I feel like I can't win (long vent)

[RadioNate]

Big hugs for you. My mom is the exact same way. She's divorced so it's my grandmother who calls me and tells me that I wasn't thankful enough in the 'right' way.

I totally understand why you are frustrated and torn. I'm dreading my mom coming for DS's brithday for the same reason. She is going to choose to go overboard then we won't be grateful enough. Then she'll be upset. Then I'll have to make it up to her. It is exhausting.

While everyone has some very cute responses, I know it would be 100 times worse if I tried to talk to my mom about the game playing. I've tried. Then she flips it all around, cries and it ends up being far more drama than it started out as.

I'd love to go with salmoneous's suggesting but my mom would freak and deny deny deny. Do you think your's would be open to that? I think sending some flowers is a great idea. I may try that next time.

 

[diskids2]

I couldn't help but feeling I was reading a story about Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond!

Try some of the tricks Debra and Ray used.

Seriously, you are not wrong.

 

[laurajetter]

Big hugs for you. My mom is the exact same way. She's divorced so it's my grandmother who calls me and tells me that I wasn't thankful enough in the 'right' way.

I totally understand why you are frustrated and torn. I'm dreading my mom coming for DS's brithday for the same reason. She is going to choose to go overboard then we won't be grateful enough. Then she'll be upset. Then I'll have to make it up to her. It is exhausting.

While everyone has some very cute responses, I know it would be 100 times worse if I tried to talk to my mom about the game playing. I've tried. Then she flips it all around, cries and it ends up being far more drama than it started out as.

I'd love to go with salmoneous's suggesting but my mom would freak and deny deny deny. Do you think your's would be open to that? I think sending some flowers is a great idea. I may try that next time.

Thanks for your understanding. I think my mom would just feel very hurt if I called her out on it, and I envision things not being the same again. I think she would kind of withdraw, but not just in terms of refraining from going overboard doing things, but also just in how she would socialize and interact with us. It wouldn't be the silent treatment, she would probably hold a 'friendly' conversation, but it may be strained and not genuine if she is feeling hurt.

I have learned a lot from everyone's posts, I thank you all for your honesty and helping me view this situation from different perspectives. Although a lot of the suggestions of what to say/do are right in line with the emotions I feel, I think some would do more damage in my family than good. I think I will send a thank you note, perhaps flowers (haven't decided since that might seem out of character for me; not something I'd usually do and therefore may come across as overly guilty or something), and I will just not let this get to me.

You all have helped me realize that this just is the way she is. I don't want to cause a rift, so I will not take this to heart, thank her again in the note, and let it be. And if I get any more phone calls from my dad in the future, i will definitely tell him that him doing that makes it a difficult, uncomfortable situation and puts me in an awkward position; it would be different if I was 7, but I'm 30!

Thanks again to all who answered.
Laura

 

[Nancyg56]

First, a for you. I 'm sorry that this happened between you and you Mom. Can I take this from a Mom's POV? Sometimes I don't hear what I need to hear from my kids. They are all adults, and I would do anything for them, but there are times when I am feeling a little let down. I would discuss this with them, never through my DH. Having said that, your Mom chose to make sure that you heard that she needed more thanks, so maybe you should talk to her. I would expect to have my DD or DS express to me what you have expressed here. It is clear that you love your Mom, and feel that she loves you, so tell her that. ASK her what she needs to hear so that you can make sure that she understands your appreciation. I would also ask that she come to you if she needs more from you, and not use your Dad as a conduit, because this causes pain and embarrassment to you. Let her know that your relationship with her is strong enough to allow her to talk frankly with you, and that if she can do this for you, you will try to be responsive in a manner that she if comfortable with. Sometimes a parent "forgets" that their adult children are adults, and then falls back on behaviors that worked when their family was growing up. This may be a tempest in a teapot that can be fixed if you just talk to her.

Good luck to you.

 

[nliedel]

I'm at a loss why the OP can't send flowers and a thank you note? Seriously. It does sound like her Mother went way out of her way and that would not be out of line.

 

[Disney Doll]

Although my head is telling me, "do it ALL yourself next time, it will be easier" my heart is telling me that if she offers to help and I turn her down, she will be offended, or hurt at the very least, and I don't want to seem like a cold person to her, when all she wants to do is help.

Well, if you are going to choose not to change your behavior, then decide that the next time your mother does something for you that you will go over each detail one by one and lavish praise on her for every single thing she has done for you and then prepare yourself to be disappointed, hurt, and upset when you forget to complement how fresh she made the air smell, she tells your father and he calls you.

 

[Disney Doll]

OK here goes. Yes she seems to be needy and know she is loved BUT it would be really nice of you to send her some flowers and a thank you note. Mention the tray in it. She just wants to know you love and appreciate her and while you may think your thanks are effusive enough she does not. She does not sound hard to please. Really.

A few years ago our son died. My stepmother did the greeting thing with food afterward (reception) and we thanked her but apparently not very effusivly (I was just devastated and probably did not even think about it). She was deeply hurt and it caused a huge rift for years and years. It was NOT worth it. I love and had hurt her deeply. Should she have understood more? I don't know, maybe but in the end we were not as apprciative to her as we should have been and it hurt us both for many years. Flowers would have taken little time and been so kind.

Quite frankly, your stepmpother was quite petty to expect anything out of you at all after just losing your son.

I hate agendas!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's one way to work the thank you into a future conversation - call up your Mom and say, "Dad just called. He said you were disappointed that I didn't specifically mention how the deli tray turned out. I love you Mom, and 99 times out of 100 you are the best. But your habit of being disappointed if I don't specifically thank you for sometime is driving a wedge between us. I thanked you for everything - and I meant it - and that included the deli tray. You are the best. But if you want to know what I thought of the deli tray, ask!"

It sounds like your wonderful Mom has a hangup that is driving a wedge between you. I don't think you are being a spoiled brat for not wanting to play this game anymore. However, the solution of avoiding the problem and just doing everything yourself doesn't sound like the best one - and I'm really surprised at the number of people recommending it.

PS - If you don't want to talk this out with your Mom, how about confronting your Dad. Next time he brings up something that you really should thank your Mom for, tell him the little game is driving you nuts. He needs to stop telling your Mom that you will eventually come around to thank her and encourage her to talk to you directly.

Why is it avoiding the problem for an adult to decide that she will handle things on her own? Particularly when the rest of my advice was for the OP to tel her mother that her habit of requiring superlative amounts of thanks is what precipitated the decision?

 

[VSL]

OP - I at least think you need to say something to your dad. These games aren't helping anyone. All he's got to do is not say anything to you, or say, on your behalf, 'I'm sure she thought it was all lovely - and she already thanked you'.

Also, when it happens next, I just wouldn't call. You've thanked her already.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The thing about just completely doing it on my own that I would feel bad about is that I know deep down my mother goes overboard with trying to help in these kinds of things because she loves us so much.

STOP RIGHT THERE! There it is...bingo.

I am not saying she doesn't love you, not at all.

I am saying she is very insecure and looks for ways to "fill her up". So she jumps on things and goes overboard to receive "praise".

Your dad is calling because she is probably "ranting" at home and he wants her to stop. So he calls.

Bottom line....this is not about you. In fact you can look at it in a very sad way. Your mother goes overboard, is THANKED, and cannot "feel it". That must be an awful feeling to not be able to appreciate the love you give to her. Confronting will solve nothimg.

Now if you want to include her, I would know ahead of time that she has a "insecurity issue" and that way you can choose to play her game or not play if you are not up for it.

 

[hentob]

A few years ago our son died. My stepmother did the greeting thing with food afterward (reception) and we thanked her but apparently not very effusivly (I was just devastated and probably did not even think about it). She was deeply hurt and it caused a huge rift for years and years. It was NOT worth it. I love and had hurt her deeply. .

Not to take away from the OP, but I couldn't imagine how cold hearted your stepmother must be to get angry at you, a parent whose child has just died, b/c you didn't thank her enough. That is one of the most selfish and cruelest things I have ever heard. Hugs to you on your loss of a child . I cannot think of a more devastating situation