I feel horrible MIL related/ long

[pandora174]

OK, MIL is visiting. She lives out of the country & comes to visit us & her 2 other sons about once a year or every year & a half. Short story she was not the best mom for my DH & brothers & there was a very huge issue about 15 years ago that still mars her relationship to her sons. Trust me it was very bad what she did. Anyway the relations are much better. As she is DS only living granparent & I genuinely see a change in her.

Anyway she's older now late 60's & she's here for a few weeks. It was our first turn to have her stay over. No problem, we have a 3rd bedroom with a queen sized futon. DS was so exited he even slept in the bottom half of the futon with her. Well I guess she's getting forgetful but she had told us that she as leaving this Sunday to my DH other brother's house (even though DS is her only minor grandson she always has preferred her older son - whatever. Sat we visited with her other son, she insisted on eating at Denny's at 9 pm (DS was tired but he said he would eat) I wanted to make everyone happy though it was a long day. So today she woke up & again wants to go out to eat. I told her that we have plenty of food in the house & were planning a barbecue. She told me all very nicely that she put everything back in the freezer since let's go out. I told her niecely we can't be wasting $ like that we just ate out last night, she then insists she'll pay. No winning then DS very vocally says " I want to stay home & relax & just watch TV" So my I tell my DH just you & her go get a bite & I'll stay with DS & then drop her off. WELL she said " but I wanted to stay another night ?" First we heard. We tried to explain, then she starts to cry & packs her things DH & I are looking at each other like it's a bad dream. We explain over & over again then she says it's better off since DH has to drop off my car at the bodyshop tomorrow & he works from home but that means I'm taking DH's car (2 seater) & she'll have to wait till I get home for her to get to her other son's house. So she'll be at my house with DH & DS but no transportation (TO WHAT ? another restaurant) I don't get it I call DH on the cell because he feels as horrible & confused as I do & he said "she's fine we're headed to Denny's & she says she'll stay with us another time". DH says not to feel too bad b/c she's done weird things & decisions. Thankfully I made sure since she lives out of the country she get a complete physical last week just in case as she's getting older & she's healthy as a horse but I feel like I kicked out a little old lady into the street & I'm still confused on how this happened

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Are you saying you think she's showing signs of dementia?

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm very confused.

I hope your MIL realizes her mistake? Sorry, I really don't get what you were saying, but I hope it all works out.

 

[pandora174]

Are you saying you think she's showing signs of dementia?

I don't know. I've known her since I was 16 & I'm 40 now & trust me she's always had a little screw loose just by choices she made (easily influenced, puts others & herself over her kids, very ignorant decision 15 years ago) but a few years ago I really say a positive change but then this. It's just weird.

 

[pandora174]

I'm very confused.

I hope your MIL realizes her mistake? Sorry, I really don't get what you were saying, but I hope it all works out.

Trust me I am just as confused. What I posted is exactly as the situation happened. I just called DH on his cell & he swears she's fine. That it was a spur of the moment decision to stay another night which she forgot to tell us but even after he told her we can always come back to our house after lunch she was already making plans with my other BIL & about seeing a friend tomorrow ???? That's it I need a drink even at this time

 

[FayeW]

I must be missing something because from the post all I get is that she first said that she was going to her other son's house on Sunday, and then this morning changed her mind and wanted stay another day at your house. Your statement of "we tried to explain, then she starts to cry" sounds like she didn't really understand your "explanation". What were you trying to explain, that she couldn't stay or that she was confused about wanting to stay?

She obviously felt like she wasn't welcome to stay any longer.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you think so, then you're on the right track with starting with a complete physical, as there can be many roots of mental status changes. Your DH may also want to discuss his concerns with her doctor, as she may not be able to do it herself (not sure she has anyone else around her, wherever she lives). He might also want to check with her friends or neighbors (whoever's around her) to see what they've noticed. Safety is always a concern. If she does have dementia, it will be quite a challenge to deal with from afar.

When my aunt developed dementia, it started off very subtley (?sp). Addresses were wrong on cards - or we got two or three cards. Phone messages had an unusually angry tone. She became lost going to familiar places. Conversations were sometimes bizarre. This is what made me think of this in your post.

Good luck. I'm sure others will have suggestions.

 

[disykat]

I understood your post.

MIL told you she was leaving to brother's house Saturday night. When it came time to take her to brother's house, she got upset thinking you were kicking her out - despite her being the one who told you she was leaving.

You didn't kick her out. She got confused or changed her mind without telling you. It sounds like she was "milking it" for some attention for whatever reason. A simple misunderstanding. If she can't "get" that, than there are some other issues going on.

 

[Serena]

If I get this right. She's been wanting to go out to eat a lot. She probably feels bad and wants to make sure she doesn't make any more trouble that just being there.
Anyway, she likes it at your house and wanted to stay longer but you all had other things planned. She got her feelings hurt, but is ok now.

I would make sure to call and visit where she is now. Make sure she knows she isn't burdening you when she visits.

 

[pandora174]

I must be missing something because from the post all I get is that she first said that she was going to her other son's house on Sunday, and then this morning changed her mind and wanted stay another day at your house. Your statement of "we tried to explain, then she starts to cry" sounds like she didn't really understand your "explanation". What were you trying to explain, that she couldn't stay or that she was confused about wanting to stay?

She obviously felt like she wasn't welcome to stay any longer.

NOO, we just mentioned that she had told us that she was going to her other son's house but that was fine she could stay with us just that tomorrow I would need to drive DH car & she would need to wait till I got home from work to get her ride back, she wanted to get to other son's house at noon. & trust me I bent over backwards making her feel welcome vs her other sons. I know she gets sentimental every time we drop her off before but not like this. Still confused.

 

[pandora174]

i understood your post.

mil told you she was leaving to brother's house saturday night. When it came time to take her to brother's house, she got upset thinking you were kicking her out - despite her being the one who told you she was leaving.

You didn't kick her out. She got confused or changed her mind without telling you. It sounds like she was "milking it" for some attention for whatever reason. A simple misunderstanding. If she can't "get" that, than there are some other issues going on.

exactly !!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well words like forgetful and confused; someone crying ? inappropriately, ? labile emotions; ? forgetting things; "healthy as a horse", but now "little old lady", to me are red flags. It could just be the way the post is written, but I read concern on the DIL's part, and this, I thnk, is confirmed with her suggestion of a physical (looks like OP was edited to say she already had one).

If I'm wrong, then color me confused.

Pandora, for clarification, would you put your main thoughts about your MIL in one sentence?

 

[SundancePass]

Sounds like early dementia to me....my 90 year old Mother has it and it started in her 60s. Late 60s she forgot my father's birthday....etc.etc. And the decision she made 10 mintues ago was not only not communciated but not remembered.

It is most frustratinng to you and your family Pandora for whatever the reason. But if she is developing dementia, she cannot help it and neither can you.

Good thing you had a physical last week, but if she didn't see a neurologist (sp), nothing may show up.

Good luck!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

She MIGHT have some dementia coming on, but considering she has always been a difficult and unpleasant person (if I'm getting your drift here), I'm leaning toward thinking she kind of enjoys making trouble and creating drama.

I know you feel bad but I'll tell you, people generally do not "mellow out" as they age and it doesn't sound like you have anything to feel bad about. Since you don't see your M-I-L very often since she lives out of the country, I would venture a guess that this is just same old, same old for her. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

 

[lizanne]

It doesn't seem to me that you did anything wrong. You apparently tried to make her feel welcome and even though there was some confusion about her staying another night, you said she could stay and just wanted her to know about the car situation.

Don't feel bad, I don't know what else you could have done. There are some people that you just can't please. Hopefully this will all be forgotten very soon.

I also think it's very considerate of you to make sure she has a physical. Even though she's had some issues in the past and this could just be another time she's trying to be difficult, you never know.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Trust me I am just as confused. What I posted is exactly as the situation happened. I just called DH on his cell & he swears she's fine. That it was a spur of the moment decision to stay another night which she forgot to tell us but even after he told her we can always come back to our house after lunch she was already making plans with my other BIL & about seeing a friend tomorrow ???? That's it I need a drink even at this time

She sounds awful flighty. I hope that's all it is.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like Mama threw a little hissy fit to get her way and when that didn't really work, she backed off.

I don't know what behaviors she has had in the past with regard to the very bad thing she did, but if your DH (her son) isn't upset or distressed about her current behavior, then I think you shouldn't worry about it either.

Perhaps also some cultural differences in regard to her behavior in her country vs. here???

In any event, you sound nice to be concerned, you guys had her have a physical while she was here, she checked out OK, she has a history of some "off" behavior...I don't think I'd be too concerned about what sounds like a little dust up that has since settled down.