I don't know what to do with son..kinda long

[Myothername]

I am not sure if I even have an issue but need some advice and maybe some venting room here. Our son, only child, is almost 20. He is a good person, works hard, smart as a whip, everyone likes him. He has had 3 semesters of college. First two were pretty much a bust as he lived on campus and did not study and played the whole time. He is ADD but that is no excuse as he had his medication the whole time. He is very smart and never had to study before college. 3rd semester he lived back at home and did better. He took this semester off because he has pretty much taken all the core classes he can take and he does not really know what he wants to major in. That is fine with us as long as he is working. He has applied for the occupational therapy assistant program here and I think has at least an average chance of getting in. He is not so confident because of his grades but he did very good on his ACT and apparently from talking to people running that program a good ACT score means a lot. DH and I are fine with him not going to school as long as he is working and he had a job right after Christmas in another state but that job played out. He worked about a month and a half there but is back home now. He has worked part time at another job but has not been called to work in over a week. Money is not the issue here. We want him to be doing something, either working more or at least taking steps to see what he will be doing school wise. He says he wants to go back to school but has no idea what he wants to study. If he does not get in the OTA program I think he will have to spend at least another semester at the community college to try to pull up the GPA and take college algebra again as it is required for the senior college. I have found online sites to take tests to kinda see what you want to major in. He did take one but the results were he should major in art. He hates art and now thinks those tests probably won’t help at all.
Anyone been in this position? I just don’t know what to do. I told DH we need to start by just cutting off the money tree. He agrees but then next time DS wants to go out to eat or needs gas he will give him money.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You have it right - cut him off. Continuing to do what has already failed isn't helping him or you.

My advice, start charging him rent for any month that he lives in your home in which he is not enrolled in school...

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Your ds sounds like our middle ds 20 too. He is a 2nd semester sophmore and basically has all the core stuff done. He failed calc and physics last semester so he is taking them over again.

Tells us same thing, I dont know what I want to do etc. We have cut off the money tree too. Our ds only works on sat. nights, just enough to get gas in the car to commute to college.

Maybe some volunteer work in some different fields might give him some insight. Maybe he can take a look at the Give A Day Disney options too.

Best of luck to your ds.

 

[monkeybug]

OK I am very biased here!! Let me just say that out right!
What about something like the Coast Guard? (I do believe you can join as long as you are no longer taking meds for the ADHD. Does your son still need the meds?) I know that my younger brother struggled with staying in school, and my parents got tired of paying for him to stay at home. He kept wasting money on classes that he either didn't finish, or changed his major and the classes didn't count. He also had a hard time finding a job.
My husband is in the Coast Guard, and he suggested my brother try it. He just recently began speaking to a recruiter, but I think he is going to do it.
One of the benefits of the Coast Guard is that you get all the same pay and benefits as big military, but because there are very few over seas billets, they are always filled on a volunteer basis (actually quite hard to get).
You do have to move where ever they tell you (you get to submit a list of your top choices), and on boats may be deployed for 2 or 6 months at a time.
My brother wants to be a photo journalist, so he is trying to get a job in that arena. The great thing is that he will get college credit for some of the job training he will receive, and the GI bill to use for the rest when he gets out. He figures it will give him the chance to grow up a bit, see some cool places, and earn a living in the mean time. He only plans on doing 4 years. (all though they can call you back after your 4 years, to any branch of the military. Just something to be aware of that most recruiters aren't very up front about)
The military isn't for everyone I know, but just thought I'd throw it out there in case it might work for him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just have to ask, why the repost? You got a lot of good advice on the prior thread.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2406209

 

[monkeybug]

I just have to ask, why the repost? You got a lot of good advice on the prior thread.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2406209

Oh! Well go ahead and disregard my suggestion of the Coast Guard! LOL!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh! Well go ahead and disregard my suggestion of the Coast Guard! LOL!!

I guess I should not have posted that since I took a beating there.

OP, sounds like you have an issue with your dh first. Until you get on the same page there, you are fighting a uphill battle.

 

[Myothername]

I just have to ask, why the repost? You got a lot of good advice on the prior thread.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2406209

Oops. I actually forgot I posted that here.

 

[monkeybug]

I guess I should not have posted that since I took a beating there.

OP, sounds like you have an issue with your dh first. Until you get on the same page there, you are fighting a uphill battle.

Wow! Yeah you did!
Now somebody is going to come along and start re-hashing it!

 

[Myothername]

OK I am very biased here!! Let me just say that out right!
What about something like the Coast Guard? (I do believe you can join as long as you are no longer taking meds for the ADHD. Does your son still need the meds?) I know that my younger brother struggled with staying in school, and my parents got tired of paying for him to stay at home. He kept wasting money on classes that he either didn't finish, or changed his major and the classes didn't count. He also had a hard time finding a job.
My husband is in the Coast Guard, and he suggested my brother try it. He just recently began speaking to a recruiter, but I think he is going to do it.
One of the benefits of the Coast Guard is that you get all the same pay and benefits as big military, but because there are very few over seas billets, they are always filled on a volunteer basis (actually quite hard to get).
You do have to move where ever they tell you (you get to submit a list of your top choices), and on boats may be deployed for 2 or 6 months at a time.
My brother wants to be a photo journalist, so he is trying to get a job in that arena. The great thing is that he will get college credit for some of the job training he will receive, and the GI bill to use for the rest when he gets out. He figures it will give him the chance to grow up a bit, see some cool places, and earn a living in the mean time. He only plans on doing 4 years. (all though they can call you back after your 4 years, to any branch of the military. Just something to be aware of that most recruiters aren't very up front about)
The military isn't for everyone I know, but just thought I'd throw it out there in case it might work for him.

We have suggested the coast guard to him and will again. He loves the water and has been a lifeguard for 3 years. I think it would be a great fit.

I think for now I am going to try to get DH to stick with cutting him off the money tree. It would be different if all he were doing was drinking, smoking pot, etc. He is not. He helps out when I need him to do things around the house and I try to leave at lease 1-2 things every day for him to do. He is a good kid. Just does not know what he wants to be when he grows up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow! Yeah you did!
Now somebody is going to come along and start re-hashing it!

I don't care. All I know is when we sat down with dd and had the talk, she was happy to listen and give her opinion and discuss things without getting emotional about it.

It was done in a "professional" manner so we could be clear of her options.

OP here needs to get on the same page as with her dh and then present the options to her son.

 

[monkeybug]

We have suggested the coast guard to him and will again. He loves the water and has been a lifeguard for 3 years. I think it would be a great fit.

I think for now I am going to try to get DH to stick with cutting him off the money tree. It would be different if all he were doing was drinking, smoking pot, etc. He is not. He helps out when I need him to do things around the house and I try to leave at lease 1-2 things every day for him to do. He is a good kid. Just does not know what he wants to be when he grows up.

Maybe have him talk to someone his age who is in the Coast Guard? A recruiter may be able to arrange something like that.
I know that when my husband was young (he was 21 when he joined) he got to do a lot of really cool things. Hikes through rainforests, jumping off waterfalls, horseback riding on the beach, snorkeling in St. Thomas (sounds a little like a romantic comedy doesn't it?) Even now if it weren't for the fact that he misses us when he is gone, he really misses being on the boat. Staying up late playing Xbox with the guys, fishing, swim call...I remember him calling from the beach in Cabo. He was drinking a Corona and eating tacos....I asked him to never call me again
Not to mention that as a single guy, your son could really save up some money!!! Drive around a training center. There's a reason all those 20 year old kids have brand new cars (most nicer than mine dang it!).
When my brother found out that he might qualify for an enlistment bonus big enough to buy a new car...I think that is what put him over the edge. That and someone else would cook all his meals.
My husband got three enlistment bonuses. I don't know how much the first was, but the second was 28,000, and the third was 31,000. My brother liked the sound of that. (I believe some of those are gone or much harder to get now though)

 

[pweyl36]

We have suggested the coast guard to him and will again. He loves the water and has been a lifeguard for 3 years. I think it would be a great fit.

I think for now I am going to try to get DH to stick with cutting him off the money tree. It would be different if all he were doing was drinking, smoking pot, etc. He is not. He helps out when I need him to do things around the house and I try to leave at lease 1-2 things every day for him to do. He is a good kid. Just does not know what he wants to be when he grows up.

How about the Navy???

 

[Pumbaa_]

How about he just major in business and complete his degree. Many people have no idea what they want to do at that age. And how many of us have the job we have but never would have set out to do that (me me me! always thought i would be a teacher )

 

[DVCLiz]

How about he just major in business and complete his degree. Many people have no idea what they want to do at that age. And how many of us have the job we have but never would have set out to do that (me me me! always thought i would be a teacher )

Duh - this is exactly what I was going to suggest. He and about half the entire college population don't know by the beginning of junior year what they really, really want to do the rest of their lives. Part of college is about picking something and getting the education so you can build on it when you DO know what you want. Lounging around the house working part time until you "find yourself" is only delaying the process.

Tell him to pick a major and get 'er done so he can graduate in a reasonable time frame and then boot him back to school. Set up the expectation that he WILL have a college degree and THEN if he wants to take his time deciding who he is he can do it on his own college-educated dime.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I believe he has 3 options:

1. Back to school full time with any major, with an expected graduation date (no more failing classes).

2. Join the military, immediately.

3. Full time job, paying mom and dad rent.

Cut off the money supply NOW. Even though he is a good kid, you are doing him a grave disservice by allowing this type of behavior to continue.

 

[Myothername]

I believe he has 3 options:

1. Back to school full time with any major, with an expected graduation date (no more failing classes).

2. Join the military, immediately.

3. Full time job, paying mom and dad rent.

Cut off the money supply NOW. Even though he is a good kid, you are doing him a grave disservice by allowing this type of behavior to continue.

That is what my husband and I have been saying to each other. Did tell husband today that we need to cut that money tree down today. One thing is DS has never asked for a lot of money. He does ask for $10 here and there to go get something to eat but hubby has been filling up his truck at least once a week. No more of that. I just have to get him to commit to that.

I am really going to see if I can get DS to at least look at the Coast Guard. It would be a perfect fit for him. He wants to travel. Loves the water. Doesn't know what he wants to do. He is really smart. He scored really high on some test the military gives them in high school. He was heavily recruited by the other branches.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

That is what my husband and I have been saying to each other. Did tell husband today that we need to cut that money tree down today. One thing is DS has never asked for a lot of money. He does ask for $10 here and there to go get something to eat but hubby has been filling up his truck at least once a week. No more of that. I just have to get him to commit to that.

I am really going to see if I can get DS to at least look at the Coast Guard. It would be a perfect fit for him. He wants to travel. Loves the water. Doesn't know what he wants to do. He is really smart. He scored really high on some test the military gives them in high school. He was heavily recruited by the other branches.

I think this is a great start. Good luck with everything. My DD is only 10 so I haven't had to do this but I did with DSDs.

 

[mamacatnv]

Just because he has his core classes out of the way does not mean that there are not a gazillion other classes he could take to explore different areas and career paths.

My DS is 20, he is a college sophomore, he had a really "good" time his Freshman year too and it showed in his grades. Sophomore year, out of the dorm and into off campus student housing, not quite so hectic of an atmosphere but still right on campus. Meanwhile we encouraged him to get involved in sports, activities, clubs etc. IMO all of these things help in the overall experience. DS has met a ton of kids, some with very clear paths, some not so clear and they are all learning from each other.

DS is still undeclared. He is leaning towards Community Health Sciences to head in the direction of Physical Therapy or Sports Training. Then this semester he is in a Biology class and he loves it. He took the Bio class as an exploration towards WildLife Management since that was another area of interest. Who knows where he will end up, I am sitting back and watching.

I know the big push and the mantra is 4 years, get it done in 4 years but not every kid knows what they want to do. Some, like your DS and mine are clueless. We have told DS that if he wants our financial support he must go to school full time. I really didn't care what he chooses to study but he must learn a trade or get a degree so that he can support himself down the road. This was not up for discussion if our dollars are attached to it. I know not all kids are college material, then in that case trade school would have been my choice.

Personally I want my son to get a college education and I know that is what he wants also so that is our focus. Funny thing, after a bit of a rocky start he is starting to get the idea and get his act together. He visits his advisor regularly, he attends open forums on careers and educational paths, he is planning a couple of summer classes to help boost the GPA a bit and all this he is doing without our input. He has even secured an internship at a Physical Therapy Clinic on his Unov. campus. He is afterall 20 years old, we don't need to hold his hand, he needs to steer himself and come to us for guidance if he needs it.