I don't get my friend... should SHE or HE concede... marriage? *Another UPDATE*

[AKL_Megs]

My really good friend has been "dating" her BF for, oh, about 5 years now. She is my age, 27, and he is slightly older at 34... and he has been married before, for a short time, with no kids.

They are practically married. She lives with him in his house, and works (rarely) as a "forever" substitute teacher, having turned down countless teaching positions while she waits (forever) for the "perfect" position at her favorite school district. She pretty much lives off of the allowance he gives her monthly.

He is what I would describe as a "financial guru". He saves and is frugal, and will retire early in about 10 years a millionare. He invests and watches his money and doesn't buy anything that isn't a "need".

He would like to marry her, and she would like to marry him.

The problem? She is second generation of a HUGE Asian family. In her culture, it is almost "necessary" to have a huge wedding, and invite everyone and their brother. For whatever reason (and I don't know), she knows her parents will not be paying for the wedding. Therefore, HE would end up paying for it. And "IT" will be HUGE, if it happens the way she wants it.

I would have married my DH even if it meant we were standing in front of a judge. I know my MIL wanted kids at the wedding, and was mad as could be for a while when we said "no kids", but she has gotten over it.

I think my friend is crazy and should concede and just have the small wedding he wants (and can afford). He has a retirement plan, and she isn't even really contributing to the household income. If she loves him, she should understand, right? Or is it the other way around?

INSANE Update on post #72...

ANOTHER update, post #110!!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Since she's not a Diser--

I can call her an idiot.

Her priorities are mixed up and I feel she is with him only b/c he is her sugar daddy.

Let it be.

He'll walk from the princess eventually if all she sees is $$$$$.


Getting married is about spending a lifetime together. She's too focused on the big day and I don't find him at fault at all nor think he should concede.

ETA: there were things I wanted our wedding that weren't necessary nor in by budget. No ultimatums were issued or anything and I realized that getting married was more important than say....a dove release. LOL! The only regret, I really really really wished we had gotten the limo. But nearly 12 years later, we're still married--limo not required.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Since she's not a Diser--

I can call her an idiot.

Her priorities are mixed up and I feel she is with him only b/c he is her sugar daddy.

Let it be.

He'll walk from the princess eventually if all she sees is $$$$$.


Getting married is about spending a lifetime together. She's too focused on the big day and I don't find him at fault at all nor think he should concede.

See, this is EXACTLY how I feel. I am SO tired of hearing about how "he won't propose". And how she keeps turning down jobs! It drives me nuts!

He has no problem being her "sugar daddy". I guess he would like her to stay at home anyways, so... but still. The wedding thing is crazy. She just can't tell her parents, "no big wedding".

 

[AKL_Megs]

Since she's not a Diser--

I can call her an idiot.

Her priorities are mixed up and I feel she is with him only b/c he is her sugar daddy.

Let it be.

He'll walk from the princess eventually if all she sees is $$$$$.


Getting married is about spending a lifetime together. She's too focused on the big day and I don't find him at fault at all nor think he should concede.

ETA: there were things I wanted our wedding that weren't necessary nor in by budget. No ultimatums were issued or anything and I realized that getting married was more important than say....a dove release. LOL! The only regret, I really really really wished we had gotten the limo. But nearly 12 years later, we're still married--limo not required.

Aww, sweetie! Get a limo on your next anniversary!

DH surprised me with a limo ride from our reception to our house. It was nice, we drank champagne from the bottle the whole way home, but IMO, it wasn't worth the money, but STILL it was fun. Something to do once in your life, I guess.

 

[FireDancer]

Marriage is about the commitment, not the party. If the person footing the bill doesn't want a big wedding it shouldn't be a big wedding. If her parents are so adamant that they have a big wedding they can pony up the cash.

He sounds like a level headed person who doesn't want to blow a wad of cash on what is basically an overpriced party. This isn't really the best way to start off a marriage. Financial matters are a big reason for divorce and I know I would would not marry someone so willing to spend my money on something so expensive that I really didn't want while not really contributing to it (as in full time job).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Aww, sweetie! Get a limo on your next anniversary!

DH surprised me with a limo ride from our reception to our house. It was nice, we drank champagne from the bottle the whole way home, but IMO, it wasn't worth the money, but STILL it was fun. Something to do once in your life, I guess.

True--

We did have a lovely convertible though and the best man drove us to the reception.

 

[AKL_Megs]

True--

We did have a lovely convertible though and the best man drove us to the reception.

From a "the grass is always greener" point of view, I would have rather had a convertible!

 

[JessicaR]

I'm wondering if its her that wants the big wedding and blaming it on her parents. If its her parents that want the big wedding they can pay for it. If its her he should ditch her cause being married isnt her ultimate desire. It sounds like maybe she doesnt want to marry him. Whats more important, and doesnt he notice this as well?

 

[*Fantasia*]

Her parents wants her to have a huge wedding and he is paying for all of it?
Sorry but.. if she really loves this man, they will marry with or without the big wedding. What kind of wedding does she want? In this day of age.. both parties usually pay for the wedding not just the bride's side or the groom's.
She needs to tell her parents that it's about exhanging vows and celebrating their unity... this is not about the party. If the bride's family wants a huge party, go ahead, have their own family reunion party! That's what it is to me.. a family reunion party!

 

[minkydog]

This situation is not about the wedding at all. It's about two people with big cultural differences who need to have some serious communication before they get married. This is right up there with marrying someone of a different religion, ethnic group, or political persuasion. You have to work those things out before the wedding and get on the same page. If she is set on a big wedding and he isn't, somebody has to give. If he's willing to pay for it all AND go for the huge over-the-top wedding, then it's a match made in heaven.

 

[Goofyzgurl]

If her and her family want a big wedding then she should accept one of those full time teaching jobs and save up. If her family wants a big wedding then they should help her pay for it b/c he's saving for their retirement. Or they both come up with a budget and she pays for anything over that budget. It just doesn't make sense to put all your money into one day when you have the rest of your lives that you have to worry about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, does this mean that they are having an active disagreement... He is telling her that he wants to marry her, but will not spend $$$$ on a wedding??? She telling him that she wants to marry him, but will not, unless he does spend $$$$ to host her family at a huge wedding...

Or, is it just ongoing hemming-and-hawing????
(To be honest, they sound like they may just be perpetual bachelor(ette)s.)

Anyhow, if this has come down to brass tacks, and if she were asking me for advice, I would tell her that if she wants to marry him, JUST DO IT.....

If your friends affection for her mother and your friends affection for money out-weigh her love and affection and commitment to her man, then if he were asking me for advice... I would tell him to RUNNNNNNN!!!!!

PS: From my very limited experience, and yes I am saying very limited... I do know what you mean when you mention the Asian customs and culture.

I am not Asian, but there are Asian members in my DH's family.
(NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE HERE!!!!) but from what I have seen and heard of DH's Asian aunts and female cousins... And from a few other examples... There is just no limit. DH's aunt would not rest until she had spent many thousands of dollars on her female daughters wedding. There was just no way that it was going to anything but a huge, extravagant, very expensive, affair.

 

[Wishing on a star]

will retire early in about 10 years a millionare.

If you write this in your post because this is what has been quoted to you by your friend.... Man, that says it all...

 

[AKL_Megs]

So, does this mean that they are having an active disagreement... He is telling her that he wants to marry her, but will not spend $$$$ on a wedding??? She telling him that she wants to marry him, but will not, unless he does spend $$$$ to host her family at a huge wedding...

Or, is it just ongoing hemming-and-hawing????
(To be honest, they sound like they may just be perpetual bachelor(ette)s.)

Anyhow, if this has come down to brass tacks, and if she were asking me for advice, I would tell her that if she wants to marry him, JUST DO IT.....

If your friends affection for her mother and your friends affection for money out-weigh her love and affection and commitment to her man, then if he were asking me for advice... I would tell him to RUNNNNNNN!!!!!

PS: From my very limited experience, and yes I am saying very limited... I do know what you mean when you mention the Asian customs and culture.

I am not Asian, but there are Asian members in my DH's family.
(NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE HERE!!!!) but from what I have seen and heard of DH's Asian aunts and female cousins... And from a few other examples... There is just no limit. DH's aunt would not rest until she had spent many thousands of dollars on her female daughters wedding. There was just no way that it was going to anything but a huge, extravagant, very expensive, affair.

This is how it is with her.

And he hasn't told me (or HER, from what I gather), but he HAS told my DH that he would marry her tomorrow if "he didn't have to spend $10,000 to feed 300 members of her family".

I am right there with him.

 

[AKL_Megs]

If you write this in your post because this is what has been quoted to you by your friend.... Man, that says it all...

Oh yeah, if we don't have a repeat of the Great Depression, he'll be set for life... to live a luxurious life... at 45.

 

[Rora]

Since she's not a Diser--

I can call her an idiot.

Her priorities are mixed up and I feel she is with him only b/c he is her sugar daddy.

Let it be.

He'll walk from the princess eventually if all she sees is $$$$$.


Getting married is about spending a lifetime together. She's too focused on the big day and I don't find him at fault at all nor think he should concede.

ETA: there were things I wanted our wedding that weren't necessary nor in by budget. No ultimatums were issued or anything and I realized that getting married was more important than say....a dove release. LOL! The only regret, I really really really wished we had gotten the limo. But nearly 12 years later, we're still married--limo not required.

Amen!!

I'm getting married in less than a month. There were SO MANY THINGS that I wanted at our wedding- ice sculpture, horse and carriage ride, fancy favors, a lighting designer, a huge cake, a wedding planner.. I could go on and on- that we're not having simply because we aren't going to spend our money that way (plus, we probably couldn't afford half of those things! ). Honestly, I'd elope today if DFiance wanted to and if I knew I wouldn't break my mother's heart.

This girl needs to get herself together! It sounds like she has it made- not working, living off someone, etc- she should either give in to his wishes, quit whining about not being engaged, OR move on to another man.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

This is how it is with her.

And he hasn't told me (or HER, from what I gather), but he HAS told my DH that he would marry her tomorrow if "he didn't have to spend $10,000 to feed 300 members of her family".

I am right there with him.

On a side note--$10K ain't all that bad.

The average wedding is about $25K or so.

But on another note--it sounds like she is demanding and unwilling to compromise and that makes sense given the comment he told your husband. Some brides are like that--even without the cultural defense.

 

[JessicaR]

This is how it is with her.

And he hasn't told me (or HER, from what I gather), but he HAS told my DH that he would marry her tomorrow if "he didn't have to spend $10,000 to feed 300 members of her family".

I am right there with him.

$10,000 for a 300 guest wedding? In his dreams maybe.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Amen!!

I'm getting married in less than a month. There were SO MANY THINGS that I wanted at our wedding- ice sculpture, horse and carriage ride, fancy favors, a lighting designer, a huge cake, a wedding planner.. I could go on and on- that we're not having simply because we aren't going to spend our money that way (plus, we probably couldn't afford half of those things! ). Honestly, I'd elope today if DFiance wanted to and if I knew I wouldn't break my mother's heart.

This girl needs to get herself together! It sounds like she has it made- not working, living off someone, etc- she should either give in to his wishes, quit whining about not being engaged, OR move on to another man.

Well shoot-what I really wanted was a Disney Fairytale wedding.

I had to settle for a Mickey and Minnie cake topper on my wedding cake at a local venue.

 

[disykat]

Marriage is about the commitment, not the party. If the person footing the bill doesn't want a big wedding it shouldn't be a big wedding. If her parents are so adamant that they have a big wedding they can pony up the cash.

ITA!

To me, this isn't a cultural argument at all - it's financial. I also have Asian family and they do the big weddings - but they don't ask anyone else to pay for them! It's one thing to compromise and do a wedding that fits both family's expectations - it's another thing to expect one person/family to pay for what the other wants.

To get the "say" you have to pay!