I don't get it.

[AlohaPolynesian]

Long story short: My best friend (we've known each other since we were 2!) started dating the friend of a guy who lived in my dorm during college. No one liked this guy and told her she could do better.

He ended up cheating on her but she took him back. Last month she moved to where her boyfriend and I live to look for jobs and move in with him. Last week I got a call from her saying that this guy dumped her and told her to move out ASAP.

She's been sleeping on my couch in this tiny studio apartment, and I've heard their phone conversations. Basically she wants him back and tries to convince him that he made a mistake, and he tells her he's thought about it for awhile and doesn't want to be with her.

HOWEVER, they have been talking a lot and hanging out lately. She told me he wants to be friends. I was supposed to help her move in to her new apartment tonight, but she told me her ex was helping her instead.

Does anyone else think it is a bad idea for her to stay friends with him when she clearly wants more than that? He obviously wants the best of both worlds (her and any other girl he can find). Is there anything I can say to her to let her know that this is probably not a good idea?

I have definitely not loved all of the guys my friends have dated, but this kid is probably the biggest loser I've met in my life! He's already cheated on her and dumped her, and I don't want him to hurt her any more. She deserves SO MUCH BETTER.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

He wants her to be a friend with benefits. He will continue to "see" her as long as she keeps providing the "benefits. But it is her life.

 

[Andtototoo]

She deserves SO MUCH BETTER.

Problem is that SHE doesn't think she deserves better.

Until she gets some self esteem, she's going to stay with this guy or just create a chain of losers.

 

[Art 1]

It's amazing to me that young women so often choose losers. Why is that. Wild animals only mate with the toughest and strongest male that they can find, so many young women choose a bum, it's crazy.

 

[redlight]

Aside from him cheating on her, how did he treat her? Was it a one time thing or a persistent pattern? What's your general sense of him?

 

[worm761]

I am sorry to say that this is a lesson she has to learn on her own. She will eventually get there, just give her time.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

It's amazing to me that young women so often choose losers. Why is that. Wild animals only mate with the toughest and strongest male that they can find, so many young women choose a bum, it's crazy.

Actually, this probably explains it. We are animals first. His sexual promiscuity would not be a negative for animals - only humans.

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

Thanks guys. He doesn't treat her well. No one (friends or family) liked him. Do you know who Spencer Pratt is?!?! This guy could be his long lost brother!

 

[redlight]

Given that he doesn't treat her well, you have reason to be concerned. It's hard because it's her life but you don't want to see her hurt.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Guys are raised to know the difference between the marrying sort... and the other kind. Women on the other hand, are often raised with the whole "The heart wants what it wants", "Beauty and the Beast (if I love him enough he'll be a prince)", "The more I suffer the truer the love" ideas and all these beliefs combine to make the perfect doormat. Tonight I hung out with my 11 year old daughter talking about what makes a good guy good and a loser a loser. SHE knows there is a difference between thinking someone is good looking and thinking they are worthy of her attention because I make sure to talk with her about it. So many women just don't get the difference. (I talk about this with my son too but it seems as though boys, as a group, make the distinction on their own fairly young)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Guys are raised to know the difference between the marrying sort... and the other kind. Women on the other hand, are often raised with the whole "The heart wants what it wants", "Beauty and the Beast (if I love him enough he'll be a prince)", "The more I suffer the truer the love" ideas and all these beliefs combine to make the perfect doormat. Tonight I hung out with my 11 year old daughter talking about what makes a good guy good and a loser a loser. SHE knows there is a difference between thinking someone is good looking and thinking they are worthy of her attention because I make sure to talk with her about it. So many women just don't get the difference. (I talk about this with my son too but it seems as though boys, as a group, make the distinction on their own fairly young)

The reality is that men give women what they demand until emotion enters the picture, and that includes respect. If you demand it, you will get it. If you do not, you won't. And, for men, emotion usually doesn't enter the picture early on, though they might fake it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Well said

 

[Disney Doll]

It's quite simple...you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. I understand you are concerned,but whatever her reasons are for making this huge mistake, I can tell you from experience that she will not listen to you at all, she will continue chasing after this guy until she decides she's had enough. You are a good friend to be concerned, but spare yourself the heartache and angst and if she starts to talk to you about him, say "I have no desire to discuss this. You can do better and you know it".

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

It's quite simple...you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. I understand you are concenred,but whatever her reasons are for making this huge mistake, I can tell you from experience that she will not listen to you at all, she will continue chasing after this guy unti lshe decides she's had enough. You are a good friend to be concerned, but spare yourself the heartache and angst and if she starts to talk toyou about him, say "I have no desire to discuss this. You can do better and you know it".

I love this idea! Thanks.

 

[redlight]

Just out of curiosity, how old is she?

 

[pearlieq]

Of course it's a terrible idea. But unfortunately no one learns this lesson in any way other than the School of Hard Knocks.

At least you didn't have to help her move.

 

[AlohaPolynesian]

Just out of curiosity, how old is she?

We're both 23.

 

[redlight]

We're both 23.

She really should know better.

Edited to add that I made plenty of dating mistakes at that age.

 

[sndral]

Buy her a copy of He's Just Not That Into You The book is way funnier than the movie and it covers every kind of loser a woman can date and shoots down all of the lame excuses made for dating said loser. Tab the chapter 'He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you.'

 

[hereyago]

She really should know better.

Edited to add that I made plenty of dating mistakes at that age.

I stopped being friends with a girl who was 32-I am 42. She met this guy, 2 months later got pregnant ok. Moved him in with her and her DD11, he used to live with his parents up until that point. It was truly chaos. Cops were called several times. I would not allow my DD to spend the night over there, due to not knowing him and then he hit the friend when she was 5 months pregnant and hit her DD. I am truly sorry, BUT if anyone hits me and especially my kid it would be ON!!!!!!!

He finally moved out. STUPID GIRL: lets him move back in. It is one thing if you allow someone to treat you that way, but once again the DD11 was living there too. the DD has had several issues after the fact, things she learned from him and acting out. I asked the girl why she let him move back in: her reply: I wanted to make sure I tried everything to make our relationship work, i didn't want to be a quitter. HELLO HE HIT YOU, your unborn baby AND YOUR DD!!!!!! You invited that chaos into your home twice. He moved out again. But I would have her DD here a lot to try to not be around him. She called once and said he was upset. i said I will keep your DD here. she said No, I need her here so she can call 911. SORRY truly have no respect for you. He is now in the pokey for some time, drugs and stealing. She is lucky she didn't lose everything.