i could use some help......

[Kteacher]

i am really worried about my DH he has put on a lot of weight in the last few years to the point where I am very concerned for his health . I try to keep healthy foods in the house for everyone to eat,and just don't buy the fattening snacks, but then he'll go out on his own and buy them. if I buy non fat creamer for coffee he gets mad and goes out and buys half and half for himself. He refuses to go to a doctor-he hasn't had a physical in over a decade. I have made appts. for him in the past, and he either cancels, or doesn't show up. i know he needs to lose the weight for himself, not because I want him to, but I don't know what to do anymore Can anyone offer me some suggestions or advice? I go back and forth between being mad at him for not taking better care of his health to being sad and afraid he will get sick (there is a history of heart disease in his family). Please help

 

[dizneegirl]

If he likes half and half, and that sort of thing, perhaps he'd like low-carb.

You obviously can't force anyone to diet, and the more you push, the more they oppose (even to the point of self-destruction...) However, you could change how the whole family eats, so that it's not a diet, but a lifestyle. If you're doing it for yourself, and the rest of the family, not specifically him, it just might work. Low-carb doesn't necessarily mean denial of the "good stuff".

If it sounds interesting, you might look at a few books at the library... some of the pretty good low-carb plans are Atkins, Protein Power, Sugar Busters, maybe even the South Beach Diet. You might even read up about the glycemic index, which is a lot of the science behind how low-carbing works.

He'd still be allowed (and encouraged) his half and half or cream... if his carbs were low enough, he'd lose his appetite for "bad" foods like chips, etc. It can be as structured or unstructured as you'd like it to be... but it does work.

Just a thought.

PS - I won't do doctors, either... I don't blame him any.

 

[LuvTigger]

Oh gosh, I really do not know what to say. My first thought was that he really needs to want to do this, but you know that already.

One thing I do know is that these things rarely occur because of the food alone...there is some kind of underlying reason that he is doing this, but he has to realize that for himself. Although it may be hard, I think that on your part, maybe you could try to control the anger, or at least any outward anger that he sees. I know it's tough, I'm not one to hold anything in myself, but I have learned that it usually just makes the other person angry too, then you just have two angry people.

Is there a way that you could sit down with him and have a serious conversation and say that you care about him and want him to be around a long time, and maybe if he could try to adjust some of his habits not only for his own benefit, but for you (and the kids, if you have any)?

((((HUGS)))) to you...please keep us posted.

 

[nonnymouse]

Hi, Kteacher! I'm a Kndg teacher, too As for the weight problem, which is really a health problem, do you think it would help if you made him a dr. appointment and insisted he go, to the point of going with him? My older brother has been in the same situation and he was in denial, too. All of the sudden he decided to work on it since my SIL, to be, insisted. I think men lose weight for themselves and how their bodies feel, as opposed to women who lose weight for others and how they look. Maybe you could get a dialog going with him where he will help to make a list of things he used to do and can't anymore. Things that he will feel better about if he takes off the extra pounds. You are right - there is no way you can MAKE him do it, but you can offer some sneaky incentives and possibly help him see the health risks. A dr. visit would be the best place to start. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Kteacher]

Thanks for the replies. We have talked about my worries about his health and how much it means to our family (we have 3 kids). I'll have to look into the different lo-carb ideas. I find that if I try to substitute anything, frozen yogurt for ice cream for instance, he just goes out and buys the ice cream .

 

[ohiominnie]

First, if you're religious, I'd say pray! You cannot change your dh's heart in this issue....you've seen what happens if you try--he goes and gets the "contra ban" stuff himself.

Secondly, I'd sit down and talk with him about your concerns and in that conversation mention that you'd like to get a decent life insurance policy on him. If he's choosing to be unhealthy (esp with his family history) then you and your 3 children need assurance that you'll be financially taken care of should something happen. Of course, getting insurance includes a physical and bloodwork, and probably higher premiums if he's at risk.

Are YOU active and eating well? When I lose weight and get active, my dh tends to lose weight too, not trying to, but just because I can outbike, outrun, outplay him and he sees that my taking care of myself is letting me lead a more vibrant life.

You can't FORCE him to do anything he doesn't want to do, unfortunately.

Just my humble $0.02.

 

[Kteacher]

thanks for all the advice everyone. he has a really good insurance policy already. As far as my weight, other than my pregnancies, I weigh pretty much the same as when we got married 19 years ago , and usually have trouble keeping weight on. I got really worried on our vacation a few weeks ago- DH couldn't keep up with the kids and me- and I noticed a lot of the time he was winded just from walking around . Lately when I bring up dr. appts. or weight/health issues he just rolls his eyes and changes the subject. The last weight he will admit to is 262 , and that was about 6 months ago. I even went to his mom for help, she goes to weight Watchers, and I was hoping she could give me advice, but she just shook her head and laughed, and said that he "just likes to eat"........sigh ....... I am so sad about this

 

[audflash]

I was having the same argument for years with my dh. I finally gave up and just asked him to up his life insurance! That made him think but the thing that has really changed his mind is Atkins. He prides himself on being a man's man and he really loves his steak. The low-carb plan has really changed how he looks at food. We have been on it for a month, together, and we both feel great. I have lost 5 pounds but he has lost 10!

I know that this can become a real power struggle - I've been there. Ultimately, you just have to tell him that you love him and want him around for a long time and then quit fighting about it.

 

[TigH]

Sending you loads of hugs! I wish there was something we could say that would help you sway him, but it seems like he is either choosing to ignore his health/weight problem or he just isn't that worried about it.

My DH was about 230 lbs. 2 years ago. He decided to start working out to lose weight and lost 15 pounds in about a year without changing his way of eating. Maybe you can get him involved in some type of family exercise, like bike riding or walking at night or just playing frisbee or ball for a while in the yard. Try coming up with something sneaky that doesn't seem like exercise, and start out slow and then build it up to a few times a week.

DH was not interested in making healthy choices at all. He would always wonder out loud why he wasn't losing any faster than he was (in between bites of carrot cake!) When I started losing on WW, that got his attention. Do the best you can, try to keep those non-healthy snacks out of the house and if he goes out to get them, don't get too upset. Just keep making healthy meals! You can only do so much, it's up to him to make the other choices for himself. As long as you aren't bringing the unhealthy stuff home, don't worry too much.

You love him and he will get the message eventually. I wish I had some good advice for you. It wasn't until I started to lose a few pounds that my DH decided that he could try eating the way I was too, but he also had a desire to lose some weight anyway. He is now 199 pounds (has taken a few months to lose 16 pounds).

Good luck to you! You care, and that is very important. Just keep on loving him and give him a gentle prod once in a while. Earlier this week I had some scary moments when my DH had a heart problem and had to go to the hospital overnight. I was frightened so much, I couldn't help thinking what if he died. He's only 34! It really hit us both hard and we are very grateful that we are exercising and eating healthy foods. You can tell your DH that he will just be doing himself a favor to cut back on a few things, he doesn't have to cut them out completely, but just cut back a little at first and see how he feels without them. Good luck!

 

[RaySharpton]

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice. For myself, I had to make up my own mind to lose weight.

God bless you, best wishes, and encouragement, RaySharpton

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

As someone who also comes from a rough family history of heart disease - my heart and PD go out to you!! My father died when he was 52, his brother was about 50, and his mom about 60 - all of heart attacks. His other brother just had one 2 years ago at about 70 and that's all just on my father's side. It is hard even when you know it to do anything about it and for a couple years I kept thinking I was too young or that I could turn it around and check things out a couple of years - all just tricks to help me easy my worries and make it easier to continue my unhealthly lifestyle!! I am very surprised his mom won't help you out considering his history - this is no laughing matter - especially when he has no idea what his BP or cholesterol is!!

Unfortunately the only thing that changed me was me!! I know that if I don't regularly exercise that I will get heart palpitations, I enjoy looking and feeling better, and I ultimately feel better knowing I am doing what I can to escape my family history. The best advice I can offer is to try and work on his mom again and explain to her how dangerous this all is. Also would your husband go to the doctor as a present to you - like for your birthday? Maybe if you told him it was the only thing you wanted he'd go. Or when DH and I first met I smoked occasionally (very, very stupid) and he wanted me to stop so we made a deal - if I stopped smoking then he'd stop doing something that annoyed me. I quit cold turkey the next day and he kept his end of the bargain.

Just some thoughts and best of luck to you and your family!!

 

[Harambe]

OMG, kteacher, we both married the same man!!!! My DH is a little different because he asks me to not buy snacks and ice cream but then roams around the kitchen slamming cupboards because "there's nothing to eat!" Unfortunately a few things happened to snap him out of it.

A co-worker dropped dead at 41yo, and he had no insurance. His wife came to his work a few days later to beg for his job so she could support their kids. That freaked DH out.

He had a knee problem but could not go to a specialist because he didn't have a Primary care Dr., so had to have a physical. His cholestoral (sp?) needed fixing!

I have some health issues. So he knows one of us has to be around for the kids!

Now - don't get me wrong! He is as big as he's ever been, but he does go to the gym to walk the tread mill and he is under a Dr.'s care - so I feel that it is just a matter of time before he wants to lose the weight.

One other thing that I did was to buy a Prevention magazine and leave it on the coffee table. I caught him reading it!

Good luck. Struggling with a food problem is so hard - because you have to eat!

 

[Kteacher]

thanks to all of you for your words of advice. We'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary this year, so maybe I can ask him to have a physical as a gift to the both of us. He doesn't have a primary care physician-he won't use mine because she's a woman . His mom goes to Weight Watcher's every week, maybe I'll ask her to bring him to one of her meetings.
It does help to have all of you to listen and give advice. thank you , all of you

 

[LuvTigger]

Just wanted to post one additional thing...you know you can't "make" him do anything and that he needs to make a conscious decision to make changes in his life.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is "lead by example." Tell him you love him and that you want him around for a long time for his own good, for you, and for your children, but that you are going to be healthy with or without him, and just start doing what you want him to do (regardless of whether or not you need to lose weight), whether he joins you or not. Hopefully, he will see the light and will decide to join you in becoming, or staying, healthy.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I agree, that you can't force him to eat healthier, but you can try to get some more activity in. going for walks, etc. I wish you luck, and send some prayers.