I could cry!!!! In-law troubles!!!!

[Tenuviel]

Kind of long story, but I will try to sum it up....my DH's family and my family do not get along at all. My DH's parents are very mean towards my family and I get stressed out just having dinner with both families together. His family is very well off and they travel to multiple exotic destinations each year. My family is middle class and works hard for years to save up for a trip to their favorite destination WDW.

We have been planning on taking our son to WDW with my family and some close friends for his third birthday. We have actually been planning this trip since I was pregnant and have all been saving for it. We have been putting tax returns away and saving anything we can to make this happen. My DH (I love him, I love him, I love him) mentioned our trip to his folks yesterday and they invited themselves!!!! I am not okay with this. I am happy to vacation with them seperately but putting our families together is a recipe for disaster. My DH feels like he can't tell them no, and it is not fair that we would expect them to not be with our DS on his birthday, but if my parents had invited themselves on a trip with had planned with his family I would be telling them no.

Am I crazy/mean for wanting to tell them they are not invited?!?!? I seriously would rather not go, than to spend thousands of dollars to be stressed out and hurt the entire time. They are very hurtful towards my parents and I know I would spend the majority of the trip defending my parents and trying to calm fights.....at the happiest place on earth!!!!

Any advice, thoughts? I don't know what to do

 

[Belle4mygrl]

I have no advice.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[mickeyluvr004]

When are you going? Have you made your ressies yet? If I were you I would tell them that all the arrangements have already been made and that you can not accomodate them if they persist then say fine but when you make all your ressies for dinner don't include them let them make their own ressies, But as for your husband shame on him as he knew this was an issue so it should be HIS responsibility to tell them NO. I would let him know that also. I hope that since he knows how his family is that he wouldn't want to subject his child to that kind of unneccesary fighting. Good luck in whatever you do.

 

[AmyMama2AvaNtheo]

OUCH ...

My DHs family and mine didnt used to get along very well either. When our DD was born 4yrs ago and just said screw it, I will plan MY things and if they dont like it oh well. Since then on special occasions such as bday parties, baptisms, etc we are all together. It isnt alwasy perfect, but they manage.

A trip would be tricky though because you wouldnt want to/shouldnt favor 1side over the other, kwim?

Honestly, I would tell your DH to man up and tell them he is sorry but yall have already had this planned and yall can plan something seperate and just as special with them

 

[mom2faith]

Honestly, I would tell your DH to man up and tell them he is sorry but yall have already had this planned and yall can plan something seperate and just as special with them

As someone who has in-law problems herself, I have to agree with this. They are his parents and he has to deal with it. This is the root of most our fights (DH & I). I deal with my parents and they do overstep sometimes, and DH is a sissy with his. Your DH has to put his foot down.

Good luck!

 

[Reese'smom]

I'd tell DH to handle it. Have him tell them that you would love to have a different vacation with just them so they dont have to "share" your DS with your parents.

I have issues with my IL's too and I just make DH handle it. We couldn't invite my parents with us on our trip in Sept. because his parents would want to go too. I didnt want to hear them complain about how expensive Disney is.

good luck!

 

[Tenuviel]

We aren't going until Sept 2010, so we cannot even make reservations yet, like I said, we don't get to do this kind of stuff as often as we would like, so we plan WAY in advance. I ultimately told my DH he needs to fix this...the problem is how. I was thinking maybe we could suggest a trip for my DS 4th birthday with them, which will be hard on us financially, but would be worth it if it means my WDW trip isn't ruined!!!!!

 

[daisyyy]

Do you get along with them in general? It's too bad, because either way , even if DH "fixes" this, you may be the one they blame, and think you are a capital "B".... either way you lose.. It is disappointing, but in order to keep the peace, could you just tell them they need to stay at a different resort? (especially if they are "well off".. they might like to stay at Deluxe, while you can stay in the moderate... plan a few meals.. separate... from your family... like they could meet you for dinner one night, and then your family another night... We've been to Disney with other families... and although it's fun to share the vacation.. it's not always fun to do 100% with each other.... you might might to have some down time away from both families too... On the other hand, if the little guy gets tired, you'll have plenty of family arounf to send him back to the room for a nap, so you and DH can have a little quality one on one together... (I love my kids... I love my kids.. all 4 of them)... but I love my trips with just me and DH the most...(I wish we had more trips without the kids).. sure we miss the kids.. once in a while, we'll say, oh.. I wonder what they are doing today back home with grandma in PA... but usually we're trying to see how many more things we can fit in before our next res'y. ) Afterall... Disney is not just for kids..

 

[Steve's Girl]

I agree with others. Your DH needs to fix this. From personal experience, a trip with both sets of parents would be a disaster. I'm with you and would rather stay at home than spend our hard earned savings on a trip with both sets of parents. You are just asking for a lot of stress and a miserable trip. That is not how you want to create special memories with your son! I think the idea of planning a separate trip with your in-laws is the best way to go. Explain that this is special time with your parents and you want to have that same kind of special time with DH's parents too. You don't want your son to feel pulled between two sets of grandparents. You want him to have undivided time with each of them.

 

[Tenuviel]

I personally put up with them if I am being honest. They are very elitest and talk down to people and I find it difficult to be around them. They become unbearable to me when around my family. I don't see any way to have a good trip if they are there with us- even at another resort. They are very competitive with my parents and will insist on being around my DS anytime my parents are. The way I feel, is if they are going to go then we would have to have a very uncomfortable discussion with them about our expectation of them and their behavior on this trip. If we already have to have an uncomfortable conversation with them I figure why not have the "you are not invited on this trip" uncomfortable conversation. My DH fears that this will only elevate our problems with our parents, but I really don't see how it could get any worse.

And yeah, no matter how my DH spins this it is going to my fault and my parents fault. I, to a fault, care too much about what others think and I almost feel like no matter what we do our trip is ruined. Even if we tell them no, I am going to spend the trip with them in the back of my mind....

 

[Tenuviel]

You don't want your son to feel pulled between two sets of grandparents. You want him to have undivided time with each of them.

Oooooh I like this----forwarding to my DH now!

 

[Darcy03231]

We aren't going until Sept 2010, so we cannot even make reservations yet, like I said, we don't get to do this kind of stuff as often as we would like, so we plan WAY in advance. I ultimately told my DH he needs to fix this...the problem is how. I was thinking maybe we could suggest a trip for my DS 4th birthday with them, which will be hard on us financially, but would be worth it if it means my WDW trip isn't ruined!!!!!

I would make my plans for my family and my parents and not say anything more to his family. If they ask I woud give them the dates you're going and and let them make their own arrangements for hotel, air, dining, etc.. There's no way you can keep them from going at the same time you are, but you can limit the amount of time you're with them. If asked I would just be vague about my plans.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Seriously, if his parents are this rude all the time why has your DH not said ANYTHING to them yet? Forget the vacation. Why do you both think it is okay for them to treat your family that way? I know I sound mean but your DH has dropped the ball big time here. He should have nipped this in the bud years ago. As for the trip, a simple, we have been planning this for a long time to go with my wife's family. Perhaps we could take a trip with you guys another time. The end. Unless of course your DH thinks it is okay for his parents to be mean to everyone. Good luck.

 

[Steve's Girl]

My DH fears that this will only elevate our problems with our parents, but I really don't see how it could get any worse.

And yeah, no matter how my DH spins this it is going to my fault and my parents fault. I, to a fault, care too much about what others think and I almost feel like no matter what we do our trip is ruined. Even if we tell them no, I am going to spend the trip with them in the back of my mind....

Going on this trip will make things worse! I've just resigned myself to being the awful daughter-in-law. After dealing with similar situations, DH and I decided we had to put our foot down with both families. We were going crazy trying to please everyone. It was causing so much stress in our own family. After we had our 3rd child, we realized our priority was doing what was right for our family and our children. We couldn't keep meeting everyone else's expectations. We are respectful, kind and loving to both sets or parents. But, we are honest and authentic. They often are hurt when we don't do what they want when they want and how they want. But, we are careful to schedule time with both sets of parents, we invite them to our home often, etc. We do take a lot of grief for not going along with what everyone else wants us to do, but our family life is so much better because of it.

 

[Tenuviel]

Seriously, if his parents are this rude all the time why has your DH not said ANYTHING to them yet? Forget the vacation. Why do you both think it is okay for them to treat your family that way? I know I sound mean but your DH has dropped the ball big time here. He should have nipped this in the bud years ago. As for the trip, a simple, we have been planning this for a long time to go with my wife's family. Perhaps we could take a trip with you guys another time. The end. Unless of course your DH thinks it is okay for his parents to be mean to everyone. Good luck.

You may sound harsh, but you are right. It is partially my fault, for years I found it easier to just work to keep our families apart rather than address the issue out of fear that it would result in my DH losing his parents (they have a habit in his family to simply cut off the people they have conflicts with), but a good friend of mine pointed out that they know that we are scared to say anything and therefore know they can get away with it. I just got off the phone with my DH and when they get back from Hawaii we are going to have to sit down with them and discuss them not going on this trip AND the reason why they are not invited (their treatment of my family).

 

[Tenuviel]

Going on this trip will make things worse! I've just resigned myself to being the awful daughter-in-law. After dealing with similar situations, DH and I decided we had to put our foot down with both families. We were going crazy trying to please everyone. It was causing so much stress in our own family. After we had our 3rd child, we realized our priority was doing what was right for our family and our children. We couldn't keep meeting everyone else's expectations. We are respectful, kind and loving to both sets or parents. But, we are honest and authentic. They often are hurt when we don't do what they want when they want and how they want. But, we are careful to schedule time with both sets of parents, we invite them to our home often, etc. We do take a lot of grief for not going along with what everyone else wants us to do, but our family life is so much better because of it.

Thanks for the advice! You are all right, I guess I was questioning whether or not I was being selfish not wanting them to go, so it is nice to know that it isn't just me!!! They are gone for two weeks, so I guess I will let you all know how "the talk" goes.....

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You may sound harsh, but you are right. It is partially my fault, for years I found it easier to just work to keep our families apart rather than address the issue out of fear that it would result in my DH losing his parents (they have a habit in his family to simply cut off the people they have conflicts with), but a good friend of mine pointed out that they know that we are scared to say anything and therefore know they can get away with it. I just got off the phone with my DH and when they get back from Hawaii we are going to have to sit down with them and discuss them not going on this trip AND the reason why they are not invited (their treatment of my family).

Good for you! Your friend is right. They think they have something over on you because you know they will cut you off. The question you have to ask though is "Am I worth so little to them that they do not care if they hurt my feelings and would rather not have me in their life?" I am sorry you are going through this and I feel very bad for your dh. I don't know how any parent can just cut their kids off. I hope it all goes well for you.
Oh- and don't worry if they blame you. It is easier for them to find someone to blame rather than admit their own fault in the matter. Just stick together as a family- you, dh, and ds. Good luck!

 

[mom2faith]

Going on this trip will make things worse! I've just resigned myself to being the awful daughter-in-law. After dealing with similar situations, DH and I decided we had to put our foot down with both families. We were going crazy trying to please everyone. It was causing so much stress in our own family. After we had our 3rd child, we realized our priority was doing what was right for our family and our children. We couldn't keep meeting everyone else's expectations. We are respectful, kind and loving to both sets or parents. But, we are honest and authentic. They often are hurt when we don't do what they want when they want and how they want. But, we are careful to schedule time with both sets of parents, we invite them to our home often, etc. We do take a lot of grief for not going along with what everyone else wants us to do, but our family life is so much better because of it.

I am the evil daughter in law too!! We should form a club of some sort - LOL!!!

 

[tammy1210]

I think you've gotten lots of good advice, but I just wanted to say I feel for you - and know exactly how you feel. Hope you can get through to DH and I hope he can stand up to his parents and make things right. Good luck!

 

[a1tinkfans]

Oh my goodness. Sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It is so foreign to me as I have been very blessed with very wonderful IL's. When I lost my FIL it was very very difficult.
Just want to wish you luck, but 9/10 is so far away, perhaps time will allow them to "forget" about the trip a bit and do not talk or mention it and just plan away with your side???? Sounds crazy now that I wrote that, but no advice really, just hope it works out..