I bought condoms today

[Schmeck]

Quick story: My dds are from my first marriage, and my child support was always late. One time ds (about age 13 at the time) asked me what child support was, and I told him "It's what happens when you can't keep it in your pants."

So, the sex that created your children was not consensual? Did you have to put that burden on your son, to make it sound like he was not wanted? That just seems so sad - you made it sound to me like he was an unwanted accident, and maybe the cause of your divorce too!

 

[ckay87]

Quick story: My dds are from my first marriage, and my child support was always late. One time ds (about age 13 at the time) asked me what child support was, and I told him "It's what happens when you can't keep it in your pants." Yes, it was crude, but talked to im more realistically about child suppor and how it was to be paid for 18 years, how much money it could be, etc.. My kids and I have no problems talking about sex (except dd1 obviously wasn't listening). And maybe the best birth control in my house is dd having a baby at age 18, still living with us and her sister and brother seeing how hard her life is. Sigh is right!

While this may be true in some cases....you said this about your son's father?!?! About the circumstances surrounding his conception? So THAT is how he came into the world? Your father couldn't keep it in his pants, so here you are. That's sad - I hope he took it better than I just did.

I do understand what you were trying to do, but I wouldn't have used HIS paternity as an example, you know? But you know the situation better than I do, I guess..

 

[mvazul]

Interesting exchange between mamacatnv and mvazul.

While reading I'm thinking that - besides the girl in question being 18 - in MA (and twenty or more other states), minors can get birth control without parental permission, so they would be restricted by neither disapproving parents nor money (subsidies are available for those who can't afford it).



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This may, at least in part, account for some of the differences in philosophies.

Not saying it is good or bad; it just is.

The rest of the story and other states:

Thank you for sharing this. It was extremely interesting. However, I grew up in Pennsylvania. We just moved to Florida in December. Perhaps it's my Catholic upbringing? Or the fact that my mother was a teen mother? I don't know. The one thing I do know is that I feel it is my responsibility to teach my children to be responsible for themselves and to (hopefully) not get into a situation that will change the rest of their lives until they are ready for that commitment.

I do my best to teach them and hope for the best.

Michelle

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thank you for sharing this. It was extremely interesting. However, I grew up in Pennsylvania. We just moved to Florida in December. Perhaps it's my Catholic upbringing? Or the fact that my mother was a teen mother? I don't know. The one thing I do know is that I feel it is my responsibility to teach my children to be responsible for themselves and to (hopefully) not get into a situation that will change the rest of their lives until they are ready for that commitment.

I do my best to teach them and hope for the best.

Pennsylvania is restrictive, too.

Pennsylvania

Minors who are are married, pregnant, have ever been pregnant, or graduated HS may get any health care services.

I think we all have our own personal philosophies as a result of our own upbringings and experiences. And that's ok.

I was just thinking in terms of the discussion you and mamacat were having as far as minors obtaining contraception. It could be, in part, a different mindset based on the customs and availability in our respective communities, is all I meant.

 

[mvazul]

Pennsylvania is restrictive, too.


I think we all have our own personal philosophies as a result of our own upbringings and experiences. And that's ok.

I was just thinking in terms of the discussion you and mamacat were having as far as minors obtaining contraception. It could be, in part, a different mindset based on the customs and availability in our respective communities, is all I meant.

Oh, I completely understand and agree with you.

Michelle

 

[Honeybee1983]

This weekend , one of DS's friends was missing from their basketball game. They are doing tournament play. I mentioned his absence to three of the other players who made it back to our house after the game; they are DS's friends, all of them. They sheepishly revealed that this boy missed the game because "his baby" was born on Friday. They are 15 and 16. I am still in shock, mostly because the boys just shrugged it off. They said this girl wasn't even the 'girlfriend' of the boy who fathered her child. Today, I bought a box of condoms and put it on the counter in DS's bathroom. We have 'the talk' often but we had it again...the whole talk. How easy it is to get a girl pregnant..."Mom, I took Health in school", "yeah, so did X" and the steps that lead to pregnancy. Another shiver just went through me. I have no reason to think my son is sexually active but this struck very close to home. A boy and a girl's lives changed forever...dreams changed...college deferred...a beautiful baby beginning life with teenagers for parents. sigh

Smart! Good for you! The hard stuff we have to do as parents, but so, sooo important! Way to go!

 

[NotUrsula]

It kind of seems the conversation has moved away from the initial post but I will still give my thoughts. I replied first in the "abstinence" thread as that is our main theme here. That said, my sons (now 15, 18, and 22) have been informed about all the various types of BC and why they shouldn't just believe a girl is "on the pill" and to use condoms regardless.

No, I have not and will not purchase condoms for them and here's why. If they truly believe that they are ready to be adult enough to engage in what my dh and I consider "adult" behavior, then they better be adult enough to go into a store and buy the condoms themselves. They (all the kids in high schools here) are also made aware that condoms are available for free in blank envelopes on a table at the local health department. Too embarassed to buy condoms but not too embarassed to get naked?

Eh, if you're making out in a car you're not all that likely to get naked -- just saying.

I agree in principle, but I'm afraid that I am a belt AND suspenders kind of person, so I put the box under the sink, too. I even opened it and took a couple out so that he wouldn't worry that opening the pristine box was a giveaway. The box is gathering dust right now, and that's good.

The thing is, multiple scientific studies have shown that teen brains simply don't have a solid fix on impulse control, and that males are more likely to act on impulse than females. Most teens believe that they could stop in the grip of passion, and kids who have had a good education about the theory of sex will normally try hard to stay in control, but if they slip up and get carried away, I don't want to see them possibly pay with their lives for the mistake, or handicap themselves for 18 years with the responsibility of raising a child when they don't have the resources to do it.

My DS isn't active right now, and being who he is, is not likely to be for quite some time, at least not on his own initiative. However, I don't kid myself that if some girl offers, that he won't be REALLY tempted to take her up on it.

 

[Honeybee1983]

Eh, if you're making out in a car you're not all that likely to get naked -- just saying.

hrmmmm....maybe me and my bf weren't the typical teenagers then....oops. lol Kids! That seems like aeons ago!

 

[woodkins]

To the bolded part - I can tell you for a fact if anyone is paying for birth control for my teenage daughter, I would hit the roof. And i certainly would not want to be around if my husband found out.

Michelle

Well the young lady obviously was having "relations" and wasn't getting the bc from her family, so at least she was getting it somewhere. I think as a parent I would rather find out someone was paying for BC rather than finding out I would be paying for a new grandchild.

My dd is 9 and I can tell you that condoms and BC will always be available to her. I may teach and preach abstinence to her, but we all know that teenagers don't always follow what their parents tell them & I would much rather pay for BC and have her healthy and protected then put herself at risk for STD's, HIV and pregnancy.

 

[leebee]

When one has an attitude like MINE??? Are you serious? Because I feel it is MY responsibility and my husband's responsibility to help our daughter be smart about sex and birth control??? Because I don't want some random person taking OUR child to get birth control?

I stand by my comment that I would be beyond livid if someone took my TEEN daughter and bought birth control for her. That is overstepping boundaries, in my opinion. But, to each their own.

Michelle

Considering it's birth control, your teen daughter can take HERSELF to get pills, IUD, whatever she wants to use for birth control, without your help or approval. It's her life, her body, and her decision... by law. If she can't pay for it and goes to some other parent for the money, rather than you (general), there's a bigger issue here that you need to address.

 

[erincon23]

A humorous note, if there is one -- a couple of months ago, DS19, who was in college, asked us to come and take him out to lunch that weekend, saying there was something serious he wanted to talk about and that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about over the phone. I was pretty sure it could only be one of three things -- he was gay (he was in musical theatre at the time, where 90% of the guys in his program were gay), someone was pregnant, or he was dropping out of school. I was crossing my fingers for the dropping out of school one... (and I was right). A pregnancy would have been, by far, the worst of these three!

LET ME CLARIFY, since this has come up -- had he told us he was gay, we would have had no problem with that. We have lots of gay friends, and I know it can be difficult, but we don't have any problem, and would have accepted whatever he told us. His personal situation -- we didn't feel that he belonged in musical theatre, and knew he wasn't happy in the school he was in. His grades were terrible. And we weren't sure how we were going to pay for future years -- in all, dropping out of college, while not a good thing (and we weren't happy about it, but it wasn't a surprise), was the best thing for him at the time.

Just wanted to make sure that no one thought we would have had issues with him had he been gay (and no, we didn't question his sexuality, as one poster asked).

 

[ebtbmom]

I was raised in an abstinence ONLY home, and I got pregnant with DS my junior year of college! I was afraid to talk to my mom about it, and oddly I thought that if I just went and got on BCP that she'd somehow find out and be mad!

Even though I've worked really hard to make sure that DS never went without, it's certainly not what I want for him! We've already began talking to him about sex and protection, etc. I'm not religious so "waiting for marriage" isn't really a relevant concept to me. Waiting until you are a mature responsible adult certainly is though.

Actually the other week I brought home a novelty condom from work to show DH and DS saw it. He said that he had been thinking that he needed to carry one and could he have it. DH said sure, and DS asked wasn't he mad? DH responded that he'd rather him have it if he needed it and DS said, nevermind, I don't really want it! Poor rascal can't even get a girl to be his Valentine right now, much less anything else!

 

[CathrynRose]

Illinois

Minors who require contraceptives for health reasons, who are married, have a child, are pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, or who have a refrral.

This must have changed since I was a youngin'. I remember getting BCPills, without permission and without the above reasons.

P.S. - I got pregnant with both my 20 y/o son and my 16 y/o son, while on the pill. My egg's have little capes on them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It kind of seems the conversation has moved away from the initial post but I will still give my thoughts. I replied first in the "abstinence" thread as that is our main theme here. That said, my sons (now 15, 18, and 22) have been informed about all the various types of BC and why they shouldn't just believe a girl is "on the pill" and to use condoms regardless.

No, I have not and will not purchase condoms for them and here's why. If they truly believe that they are ready to be adult enough to engage in what my dh and I consider "adult" behavior, then they better be adult enough to go into a store and buy the condoms themselves. They (all the kids in high schools here) are also made aware that condoms are available for free in blank envelopes on a table at the local health department. Too embarassed to buy condoms but not too embarassed to get naked?

In highschool I bought lots of condoms because it was known I was the one person in my circle of friends who was not too embarrassed to do so. It never really phased me and i do recall that any time I bought them for someone I would roll my eyes and ask them if they really thought they were mature enough to have sex if they weren't mature enough to buy the condoms. And they'd laugh and say "okay mom, are you going to buy them or what" and I'd buy what they needed and that was that. Obviously, YES it seems one should be able to handle the one if one is going to do the other but realistically it is not the same thing and plenty of adults are embarrassed to buy condoms. It is what it is and putting someone at risk of an STD or unwanted pregnancy over a silly point like that is, well, silly.

Besides, it is a bit of an apples to oranges comparison---it isn't like the teen who is willing to get naked in front of their SO would be willing to get naked in front of the cashier who'd ring up the condoms--I can totally see being more comfortable with someone you know well than random strangers on any number of issues--this one included.

 

[cornflake]

This must have changed since I was a youngin'. I remember getting BCPills, without permission and without the above reasons.

P.S. - I got pregnant with both my 20 y/o son and my 16 y/o son, while on the pill. My egg's have little capes on them.

It may have changed - I have no idea, I had no idea any states had any restrictions, so I dunno where the heck they came from - or the dr's involved may just have fudged the first or last for every patient as a matter of course.

They're very vague - need for 'health reasons' can be anything, including your mental health, so you wanting them may have been enough to clear that hurdle to people who thought the law was stupid, if it existed. Same as the last - 'how'd you get my name?' 'my friend...' 'referred you, great.' Even if that's not exactly how the law authors intended it.

 

[Swan4Me]

Quick story: My dds are from my first marriage, and my child support was always late.

One time ds (about age 13 at the time) asked me what child support was, and I told him "It's what happens when you can't keep it in your pants."

Yes, it was crude, but talked to im more realistically about child suppor and how it was to be paid for 18 years, how much money it could be, etc.. !

So you are chastising your first husband for having sex with you, his wife? How does that teach anything to a kid?
Huh?

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Reading these comments puts me in mind of a situation from my college years. My DH (then DBF) had received a large box of condoms from his grandmother as part of a college "care package" when he first went away to school. He remained a virgin (not by choice) until years later when he hooked up with me. He told me about his grandmother's amusing (but completely in character for her) gift, and suggested we could use them if it became necessary. I asked him if they were still good or if their expiration date had passed.

His response: "They can expire?!"

Lesson of the day? Give your kids condoms and make sure they know they expire.

 

[diamondpixienc]

Mom, I think you handled that well. My DS is just turned 9 and I am so terrified for him and my kid's these days. I mean I got the chills when he put an extra piece of candy in one little girl's valentine last week. I asked him why he replied "i think she smells nice and she is a cutie too" It was like "NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO" in my mind "my baby, my first born, my boy" So I then replied "Do you like her?" He said "Well yeah... that's why she's getting an extra chocolate" I just reminded him that now you do realize that she is a friend who happens to be a girl right. He said "Well, duh mom I can't have a girl firend until i'm a man you know in about 7 years" I so hope and pray that he will be able to resist the temptation and not fall for the "everybody's doing it" B.S. and make the right decision even if it may mean losing a friend or 2.