I am totally and utterly depressed *Update 4/4/10*

[jfoofj]

Jen~

Years ago I had to leave my exH when my son was 7 months old. I went home to my mother and felt like the world's biggest failure. It was a rough time for me. I was lucky to have a good job, and a supportive family who helped me endlessly with childcare and even finacial support so I could pay some bills and get an apartment. My ex and I obviously divorced, but it was for the best. He is a great dad to our son, better than I think he would have been if we had stayed together. Yes, I mourned the loss of the "perfect family" with the mom, dad, and child all together and was depressed that my marriage failed. I was hard.

Today, years later, my ex is a huge part of my sons life, he has him every other weekend and 1-2 nights a week. We get along very well and we are raising a pretty great kid, if I do say so myself. Both my ex and I have moved on into happy relationships. It all worked out, maybe not the way I had orginally planned, but it worked out nonetheless.

It WILL be ok, things WILL get better. You just have to get through the rough times first!

Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

 

[DizBelle]

Jen - do you have an update for us?

 

[ohiomom28]

 

[luvsJack]

I am a bit late to this thread, but OP

First off, you have an absolutely gorgeous little girl! Her pictures are just adorable!


I may have missed it in here somewhere, but I noticed that your husband was fired from his jobs. Was he fired for the same thing both times? I mean, that would show a pattern of employment problems and may be a connection to whatever else is wrong.

He sounds depressed. I mean, most men want to support their family; especially one that is so close to his baby. I am not excusing him, but just saying. That would also explain his lashing out at your for having a job and going to work.

I think I would still leave, but I would tell him that he needs to get some help and that when (and only when) he does then we can talk.

As for your daughter crying when he leaves, only you know if you can trust him completely. But it would be normal for her to act that way considering the tension she must be feeling. She may actually be afraid that you won't come back. I am not saying that she knows what you are planning to do, but children are very perceptive and will develop fears because of those perceptions.


I know how painful all of this is for all of you and I can only offers my hopes and prayers that everything turns out well for all of you.

And remember, you are probably doing the best thing for all of you by leaving. Hopefully it will wake him up and cause him to get the help he needs. And it will give you and your daughter back the security that both of you need.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with LuvsJac...sometimes you have to decide what is more important. Your dd's security is way more important than anything else. It IS hard to start over. But, we don't know what the future holds. This may be the catalysis for your dh to rethink some things in his life and move forward into getting help, becoming what the family needs etc. The road will not always be easy but you certainly will know ahead of time what can be done.

Mental illness is a hard thing to live with..untreated is dangerous. It does not get better...it always gets worse. A total mental breakdown could occur with too much stress/responsibility/family troubles. I would, personally, understand that unless he gets treatment, you probably can not take the chance of living together and he being the sole caregiver for your dd. It has nothing to do with love. He loves her, your dd loves him. But, he is not in control of the illness and that is not good.

I hope you are able to figure out what you would like to do. Going and living with family for a time doesn't mean you are giving up. It means that you are seeing that a change has to be made..by both of you and that someone has to make sure your dd is safe, loved and cared for. It doesn't mean you are headed for divorce. It means that both of you have decisions to make and how you want to proceed down the road. With counseling individually and together there might be A LOT you can do to save this marriage. You just have to be prepared and educated about what you are dealing with and he has to know what the boundaries and limits are for you.

The first step is the hardest. It always is. But with support and a loving family to help you, you have the ability to make a good life for you and dd. Your dh has to come to that conclusion as well. Many hugs to you!

Kelly

 

[TigerKat]

Was hoping Jen had checked in.

 

[claudia]

checking in to see if there is any news....hope all is ok

 

[hello kitty]

I've seen her posts floating around here and she seems in good spirits. He probably apologized and promised to go back on his meds. She's not going anywhere. JMHO

Been there. Done that. Prayers for the little girl.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Speaking as a person who was married to a man with mental health issues, I can tell you this. Things WILL NOT get better unless he is willing to get treatment and handle his illness aggressively. It will only get progressively worse and his highs will become higher and his lows will become lower. Do the difficult but loving thing-- leave him and take your precious baby with you. If he loves your DD as much as he says he does then he will get well for her sake, as well as his own. Otherwise you are just setting yourself and your DD up for more uncertaintly and instability.
I know how difficult it is. I understand wishing he could be the way he used to be--- but trust me without medical help it will get worse. Please consider your baby girl.

 

[si-am]

I've seen her posts floating around here and she seems in good spirits. He probably apologized and promised to go back on his meds. She's not going anywhere. JMHO

Been there. Done that. Prayers for the little girl.

Agreed.

He will probably turn aggressive again and eventually there will be another thread. Seems to be a pattern.

 

[luvsJack]

I had missed the part about his being bi-polar and went back and read to find it.

I dont' think its fair to judge her or her dh without knowing what is going on. He may have very well went back on his meds. If she loves her husband and wants to make this work and if he is willing to do what he needs to (and we do not know if he is not) then I hope it works for them.

Its hard with somone who is bi-polar. About the time you get ready to wash your hands of them, they swing the other way and it seems like things are getting better. Its especially hard when its someone you love and you can't turn your back on them.

OP, if you are still checking this thread; I hope things are going better for you. If his reasons for not being on the meds are due to no insurance, there should be govt. programs to help. Not medicaid or anything like that but a program that charges based on your income. (my son went to a program like that for awhile)

 

[vettechick99]

Jen, I hope all is well. Give us an update!

 

[Motherofboys]

I had missed the part about his being bi-polar and went back and read to find it.

I dont' think its fair to judge her or her dh without knowing what is going on. He may have very well went back on his meds. If she loves her husband and wants to make this work and if he is willing to do what he needs to (and we do not know if he is not) then I hope it works for them.

Its hard with somone who is bi-polar. About the time you get ready to wash your hands of them, they swing the other way and it seems like things are getting better. Its especially hard when its someone you love and you can't turn your back on them.

OP, if you are still checking this thread; I hope things are going better for you. If his reasons for not being on the meds are due to no insurance, there should be govt. programs to help. Not medicaid or anything like that but a program that charges based on your income. (my son went to a program like that for awhile)

Amen, great advice.

For those of you that are so harsh to judge her...please consider how you would like to be treated if you were in her situation. Or if you were in her husband's situation. Dealing with mental illness is really difficult for those in the situation, especially when you love someone and want so badly to help them.

It's not always black and white and none of us knows the whole situation.

Jen if you are still reading this -- I hope you and DD are doing better, I hope you guys find the peace and happiness you deserve!

 

[ohiomom28]

Any updates?

 

[DizBelle]

Any updates?

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I happened upon this earlier today and read on and off till now. This touched me for a couple of reasone. First, Jen, your Trip Report was the first one I read when I found Dis. I was drawn to it because of your beautiful little girl and how your mom went with you on your trip and how she was MiMi. My grandma is MiMi to my kids and goes with us on all our trips.

This also caught me because a good friend of mine is in an abusive relationship and she always said it woulnd't effect her kids, and though she has never told me differently, I don't necessarily believe it based on things she has caught herself saying. But you know, it has effected her kids. Mentally what they have gone through, as they got older especially having to call the police or get in the middle of mom and dad, it has done a number on them.

I wish you all the best, we have had to deal with mental health issues, though not bi-polar specifically and I know it is difficult but he needs to do it for your family. I wish you all the best. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Hope you all are well OP!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Were you able to get moved out?

 

[ccgirl]

Hi Jenvenza. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Also, I grew up as a child in this environment and it affected me big time. Bad grades etc.... Just because a mom and dad do not live together doesn't mean it is not a happy family. Having your DD watch your DH throw something at you was very traumatic for her, I'm sure. Kids are very perceptive even if we don't say anything. Please don't think you are a failure. You are quite the opposite for putting your DD first. Please know I'm thinking about you.

 

[Jenvenza]

Hello everyone! I know I have MIA for some time, but a lot has been going on. I have not posted since February 1st, because I was laid off from my job. And a week after that, I left my husband. Nothing has changed and I dont think it ever will. I am in a goo dplace right now and I am actually going to Disney in 4 weeks!!! My parents, myself and my DD, and my sister and her son are all going to stay for a week! I am so excited about it! Thank you all who supported me, even when I wasnt around to check this post I made. I am going to start a PTR and I hope you all will read!

Thank you again for everything. I helped me a lot!