I am so mad at my mother right now.

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

Long story short: My beloved grandmother is dying. She is 90 years old and took a turn for the worse on New Year's Eve. My mother and aunt have me really angry because:

1. My grandmother is in a nursing home under hospice care. She cannot communicate and is not eating or drinking. She is curled up in a fetal position with her face contorted in pain. She is not receiving any meds for pain and I asked my mom why not. My mother and aunt are assuming that the hospice folks will give her something if they think she needs it.
I think they should ask the hospice nurses to get an order from the Dr. and administer something to ease her pain.

2. They are not spending a lot of time at her bedside. I live 2 hours away and cannot get up there due to my job. They are both retired and live 20 minutes away but will not go.

3. They are going to the funeral home tomorrow to make the arrangements. They are insisting on an open casket even though my grandmother looks HORRIBLE. She is under 100 pds and does not resemble the person she was. My grandmother was a woman of great dignity and always took great pride in appearance and I know she would not want people to see her in her current state. My mother and aunt insist it has to be open because it is "expected".

I just feel like no one is looking out for my grandmother's best interests. My question is: Should I shut my mouth and let my mother and aunt handle it or continue to fight for her. I have been accused of opening a can of worms and trying to make trouble.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry about your grandmother. It's sad that your mother isn't spending more time with your grandmother. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to change the way she is acting. But there is no reason your grandmother should be in pain. Hopefully someone who has experience in dealing with a situation similar to this can give you some good advice.

 

[shelbys mommy]

Ok, I was in a similiar situation with my mother. My aunt thought she knew best & told the drs no pain meds. I pulled the dr out of the room & told him what was going on. My aunt was not by her side, I was. I knew what was going on. The dr put her on a morphine drip, but also a pump. If we thought she needed it we could press it for her once every 15 mins. Needless to say my aunt was not happy. And she pulled me outside to let me know in a not so nice tone or words. My mom had Leukemia, she lost all her hair due to chemo. She had always told me that she did not want to die bald. Now due to her organs shutting down she was huge. My mom was always between 125-135 lbs & at her death she was 180. I made it well known that it was to be closed casket for her. I still get grief to this day about it. My best advice is, try to be there as much as you can, take time off of work if need be. Or politely make your wishes known to your mom, aunt or other family member who will listen. Always remember everyone is super stressed out & hurting at this time. Everyone was focused on "I'm losing my sister, aunt." etc. No one thought to ask me how I was dealing with it, and I'm the only child & she raised me alone from the age of 8. My prayers are with you & your family right now. PM me anytime.

 

[Poohs Pal]

Long story short: My beloved grandmother is dying. She is 90 years old and took a turn for the worse on New Year's Eve. My mother and aunt have me really angry because:

1. My grandmother is in a nursing home under hospice care. She cannot communicate and is not eating or drinking. She is curled up in a fetal position with her face contorted in pain. She is not receiving any meds for pain and I asked my mom why not. My mother and aunt are assuming that the hospice folks will give her something if they think she needs it.
I think they should ask the hospice nurses to get an order from the Dr. and administer something to ease her pain.

2. They are not spending a lot of time at her bedside. I live 2 hours away and cannot get up there due to my job. They are both retired and live 20 minutes away but will not go.

3. They are going to the funeral home tomorrow to make the arrangements. They are insisting on an open casket even though my grandmother looks HORRIBLE. She is under 100 pds and does not resemble the person she was. My grandmother was a woman of great dignity and always took great pride in appearance and I know she would not want people to see her in her current state. My mother and aunt insist it has to be open because it is "expected".

I just feel like no one is looking out for my grandmother's best interests. My question is: Should I shut my mouth and let my mother and aunt handle it or continue to fight for her. I have been accused of opening a can of worms and trying to make trouble.

She does not need to be in pain. I would speak up for her......

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Maybe your Mom doesn't visit or make sure the pain meds are given because she can't bear to think of her Mom that way. Even though she is elderly she is still her Mom. I have no advice. I am just sorry you are going through this.

 

[mickeyboat]

If I were you, I would stay out of it.

Is it possible that your grandmother made her wishes for her funeral known at some earlier time?

Is it also possible that your grandmother really is not feeling any pain? Are you sure they are not giving her anything for pain? The hospice people are pretty well-trained in making sure their patients are comfortable.

Finally, sitting at someone's bedside while they are dying is not an easy thing to do. Give your mom and aunt a little slack. This cannot be easy for them.

Do what you need to do to find some peace for yourself, but don't make a lot of waves right now.

I am so sorry for your family's pain.

 

[clh2]

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. Sounds like you have had a very close relationship with her!

I hope this will help you - in regards to the open or closed casket. My grandma died of alzheimer's about 12 years ago. She was 87. I visited her in her nursing home the weekend before she passed away. She was also unrecognizable. Almost to the point where I almost asked where my grandma was. It was very sad, and I left in tears. At her funeral, she looked remarkedly at peace with the world, and it was a relief to see her "not looking confused". At her visitation, she was clearly recognizable as my grandma, not the person who I saw a few days before she passed away.

I still have a grandma that is living, she turned 97 on Saturday. This is my last grandparent. I totally feel that between my mom and her 2 siblings, it is their responsibility to make the arrangements once this grandma passes away.

Not offering pain relief is unconscionable. Too bad you can't tell your mom that what goes around comes around - because you'll be involved in managing her end-of-life care. Are you certain the hospiie is not giving her anything???

Again - sorry to hear about your grandmother. It is a very difficult time.

 

[shelbys mommy]

I hope this will help you - in regards to the open or closed casket. My grandma died of alzheimer's about 12 years ago. She was 87. I visited her in her nursing home the weekend before she passed away. She was also unrecognizable. Almost to the point where I almost asked where my grandma was. It was very sad, and I left in tears. At her funeral, she looked remarkedly at peace with the world, and it was a relief to see her "not looking confused". At her visitation, she was clearly recognizable as my grandma, not the person who I saw a few days before she passed away.

My grandmother just passed away from this in Sept. I know exactly what you mean. It looked nothing like the grandmother I remember, but for her viewing, she looked beautiful.

 

[quasar4legs]

I am so sorry that your grandmother is unwell, it must be a sad and difficult time for your family.
In my experience everyone handles the dying process differently. Some people like to be very involved, visit constantly, talk with staff etc. Others, can not face the situation head on and become withdrawn from the person that is dying.
Another thing to consider is that if your mum and aunt are older they may have been raised in a era where you didn't question the medical staff. When my dad was dying my mother would just listen to the doctor but is was my sister and I that asked all the questions.
Maybe you could have chat with staff about the issue of pain management because in most cases hospice staff are very good at trying to make things easier for someone that is so ill.
It may be a good time to have a calm conversation with your mum about your concerns but I would just keep in mind that perhaps she is coping the only way she knows how.

Sending you all some big hugs

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

If I were you, I would stay out of it.

Is it possible that your grandmother made her wishes for her funeral known at some earlier time?

Is it also possible that your grandmother really is not feeling any pain? Are you sure they are not giving her anything for pain? The hospice people are pretty well-trained in making sure their patients are comfortable.

Finally, sitting at someone's bedside while they are dying is not an easy thing to do. Give your mom and aunt a little slack. This cannot be easy for them.

Do what you need to do to find some peace for yourself, but don't make a lot of waves right now.

I am so sorry for your family's pain.

My grandmother told me years ago she did not want an open casket but she never told my mother so they consider it invalid. Even if she was okay with an open casket before, I really do not think she would want people to see her as she is now. Again, she took a lot of pride in her appearance and was a beautiful woman. I think she would rather people remember her as she was--I am assuming here but knowing her, I think it is a solid assumption.

I know this is hard on my mom and aunt but they can be such doormats---afraid to ask the Dr. anything. Not just in this situation but all the time. It drives me nuts. I am trying to cut them slack but I am losing patience fast.

 

[shelbys mommy]

You also need to find out who has Power of Attorney. My aunt had PoA for my mom, only because my mom didn't think I could handle it. When my aunt went MIA for 6 days, I became the next in line to make decisions, so the dr went by what I said & what I saw my mom doing. None of my family asked questions. I always did. I was famous for following the dr out of the room & asking him questions on my mom's condition. If you grandmother took pride in her appearance, your mom and aunt know that. I personally think it's selfish they want an open casket. My mom had a closed one & it was the most beautiful funeral I have ever attended. Right down to the 9 white roses on her casket that I carried out following her casket to her grave site.

I really hope things work out & things go well. I had a friend stand up for me when I was too emotional to speak. I wish I could do the same for you.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

You also need to find out who has Power of Attorney. My aunt had PoA for my mom, only because my mom didn't think I could handle it. When my aunt went MIA for 6 days, I became the next in line to make decisions, so the dr went by what I said & what I saw my mom doing. None of my family asked questions. I always did. I was famous for following the dr out of the room & asking him questions on my mom's condition. If you grandmother took pride in her appearance, your mom and aunt know that. I personally think it's selfish they want an open casket. My mom had a closed one & it was the most beautiful funeral I have ever attended. Right down to the 9 white roses on her casket that I carried out following her casket to her grave site.

I really hope things work out & things go well. I had a friend stand up for me when I was too emotional to speak. I wish I could do the same for you.

Thanks, you are so sweet.

 

[shelbys mommy]

Thanks, you are so sweet.

I have been in your shoes & it sucks. Like I said before PM if you need or if you need to talk one on one, I'll give you my number. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[minkydog]

If I were you, I would stay out of it.

Is it possible that your grandmother made her wishes for her funeral known at some earlier time?

Is it also possible that your grandmother really is not feeling any pain? Are you sure they are not giving her anything for pain? The hospice people are pretty well-trained in making sure their patients are comfortable.

Finally, sitting at someone's bedside while they are dying is not an easy thing to do. Give your mom and aunt a little slack. This cannot be easy for them.

Do what you need to do to find some peace for yourself, but don't make a lot of waves right now.

I am so sorry for your family's pain.

I have to agree with this. OP, I am very sorry your grandmother is slipping away. When my father was dying I lived 15hrs away, so I really didn't have a clear day-to-day picture of what was going on. At the end I chose to go up and stay with my father until he died. I had no idea it would take 30 days, though. Not that I begrudged the time, but I have 3 kids and a sick husband. Sitting with a dying person is incredibly draining and it's not for everyone. Three of my siblings couldn't even come to the hospital, they were so freaked out.

I think you need to do whatever you think your grandmother would want FOR YOU and forget about getting your aunt & mother to change. It's their mother. They have to right to manage things any way they want and you don't have to like it. Everyone grieves in their own way and often in families that is very puzzling and upsetting. Try to give everyone a break, including yourself, and find ways to honor your grandmother that don't depend on them.

 

[Pikester]

I thought the whole point of Hospice care was that someone was there to make sure you spent the last days of your life comfortable and pain free.

Definition of Hospice care

Hospice care: Care designed to give supportive care to people in the final phase of a terminal illness and focus on comfort and quality of life, rather than cure. The goal is to enable patients to be comfortable and free of pain, so that they live each day as fully as possible. Aggressive methods of pain control may be used. Hospice programs generally are home-based, but they sometimes provide services away from home -- in freestanding facilities, in nursing homes, or within hospitals. The philosophy of hospice is to provide support for the patient's emotional, social, and spiritual needs as well as medical symptoms as part of treating the whole person.

If your grandmother is not getting this then something is wrong. There is no reason for that woman to have to be in pain. I usally hate giving advice because it tends to backfire on me but if you can please, please go visit your grandmother and see what you can find out about what is going on.

I was with my grandmother when she passed back in July of 2009 and it was not pleasant. She wasn't in pain for long as she had an attack in the morning and by 10PM that night she had passed but she did not look like the woman I knew. The hospital had taken "comfort measures" with her which means they made sure she was pain free.

I am so sorry that your grandmother is going through this.

 

[okeydokey]

I would take a day off of work and drive out there and meet with the hospice staff about pain management. You may not be able to convince anyone about the open casket, but maybe you can make her final days more comfortable. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I think that if it were my grandmother I would do what ever it took to be there and find out what is going on. I would also talk to my mom and aunt to see if something could be done and try to talk calmly to them about everything. We went through something like this with my Papaw last year before he passed away but we were all on the same page about the care that he needed. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's hard enough with out added stress.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

In this situation hospice nurses would usually have "standing orders" to administer whatever they need if they think she needs it. There is usually a variety of medicatons to choose from which cover different needs, and orders can be adjusted if needed.

It is possible for someone to die without pain. I sat at my aunt's bedside for 6 nights while she died not too long ago. She could have morphine under her tongue if she needed it, but she really didn't. Her nurses did a good job of gauging her needs (and I certainly would have advocated for her if need be).

I'd say it might ease your mind to get up there yourself and spend some time with your grandmother. I know you said you live 2 hrs away and have a job, but surely you could find some time to be with her for a little while. Nobody in my family other than myself, my mother and my cousin wanted to be there with my dying aunt. But nor did they tell us what we should be doing. I think that if you want to be part of the decision making, you really have to be there. Otherwise, you have to trust that the people that are involved are making the right decisions, even if it's just the hospice people.

To be honest, I've lost count of how many people I've been with who died alone, with just me as their nurse, in the hospital. I always struggled to give them the best, most dignified care both before and after their deaths that I could. I say this in case you're wondering how I can trust the hospice staff. If they chose to do this for a living, I believe they care and will do the right thing - especially if someone's alone.

 

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

Just remember, you can't control what others do, you can only control what you do and how you react. I would be mad too but that's just my opinion. Do what your heart tells you to do. Your grandmother is lucky to have you. I think it's great that you are respecting her wishes. Good luck to you and hopefully everything will go well for you and your family. I will be praying for you and your family

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, When my mom was in hospice I did not have to be there to ask them to administer pain meds. The nurses were very good about not letting her suffer in pain.

You obviously love your grandmother very much and losing her will leave a void in your heart but she is your mom's & aunt's mom. They are going thru the loss of their mother! This is a time to offer your support to them as difficult decisions are made and you all lose a valuable family member.

to you and your family!

TC