I am scared and stressed

[sdoll]

Since I have found a lot of comfort and hope in these boards I felt like I could vent here. My husband's company is close to liquidating and will more than likely not last through the summer. I am so scared that he will not be able to find work in time and we will have to survive off my income. I think for a short period of time we could be ok maybe even break even. He commutes about 1 hour each way to work. So the cost of gas and wear and tear on his car is about $150 a week. Our sitter is about $250 a week and with unemployment I know we could make it with a few cuts but I am so scared of what this could do for my husbands confidence. He is not looking as hard as I think he should be for a job but at the same time I understand. Its just been so hard the last couple of years I really can't believe this is us.

6 years ago we had dream jobs and were making a great living we were living in Chicago I asked my husband if he would consider moving home (for me) since we were expecting our first child and I wanted to be near family. It seems since we have been home everything has unravelled for us. Our son had some major health issues and our company (we were employeed by the same company) that we loved while we were in Chicago wasn't the same for us here. They put up with us for a while but we saw the writing on the wall and looked for other jobs after serious soul searching. For me I have never been the same I struggle with the guilt of working and feeling of not being as dedicated of an assocaite as I was before I had my kids. Before kids it was a career and worked hard for any advancement that I earned. To be honest right now its just a means to survive. I don't love what I do in fact I really don't like it but its flexible and allows me to be with my kids more. I am too afraid right now to look as i need the security that I have with my husbands job on the line. I just can't believe this is us. Sometimes I think we should have stayed in Chicago but then I see my kids playing with their cousins and I am so thankful we are home. I would move if we needed to and already told my husband if he can't find work he will have to move in with his mom (chicago) and we will have to commute until both of us have a job in either city. But this stinks. I know we have everything that matters (each other and our beautiful boys) and I am not a snob by any means I am willing to sacrfice I am just scared out of my mind. I know we can make it but this stinks.

Thanks for listening and please keep us and everyone else in similar or worse situations in your thoughts

 

[ADisneygirl]

I am very sorry for your troubles. It is normal to feel scared and panicked when you or your spouse face job loss. I understand how this feels -- I was laid off from my position as an elementary school teacher this year. (I have since been placed at another school) But the panic I felt was palpable. I was physically ill for days after they told me.

Stress can do terrible things to us. Please try to focus on the positives. You have a job, your husband will more than likely find another position somewhere, and if not you have a backup plan of moving back to Chicago and living with his Mom temporarily while you guys get back on your feet. As that insurance commercial says, Mayhem happens. Mayhem doesn't care if you just remodeled a kitchen, bought a new car, etc. That commercial speaks to me because it is so true. Into everyone's life good and bad seem to be sprinkled around. You can not control all the bad that happens. Sometimes crappy things just happen. It's how you deal with them that predicts the outcome.

Here is a cyber hug for you. Things will work out in the end.

 

[Bribrittmom]

i feel for you and am sending hugs and thoughts for better times!

 

[EKW]

I'm a single mom...lost my job this time last year. I was lucky and found another one right away. Given my druthers, I wouldn't be living and working where I am, but I am able to support my boys.

Here's what I would suggest: start gathering info to find out what support you can get. Even if you're working you might be able to get help with insurance premiums, etc. if your husband loses his job.

Look into bulk food programs in your area...consider buying in this month to see if the quality is something your family can live with. This may help you cut food costs.

See how much your husband can make each month without it affecting unemployment benefits...maybe he can get a part time job on weekends to bring in a little extra cash.

Then, hopefully, you will be lucky, too, and you'll never have to implement any of those ideas because your husband finds a new job quickly! Good luck!

 

[DisMN]

I really feel for you OP. You sound like you're in the trap my husband and I have been in over the years.......whereby we make decision after decision only to find out later that we should have decided something else. After doing that long enough you do tend to get beat down and feel like you've lost the game before you even started.

When it's been the worst for us we had to sit down and ask ourselves if truly what we were going through was really life or death. At times it felt like it was but given some time and patience things usually ironed themselves out.

Hang in there and keep venting your concerns and fears where you are able. There IS a light at the end of your tunnel...believe that.

Oh and for the both of you what we found important was that we network. Network network network. Network for job related stuff, network for emotional support and network with others for financial/budgeting advice during this time..

*hugs* because I know how scary it is and how much it sucks to be where you are right now. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Aliceacc]

Oh, Sara, I'm so sorry.

OK, some practical things: let anyone and everyone know that your husband is looking for work. What sort of work does he do? Does he have a college degree? In what? Let us know; people are pretty resourceful and may be able to come up with avenues you might not have considered.

Today sit down and list every single expense you have. Then see what can be cut. Cut the cable, cut the going-out budget, cut the clothing budget. Talk to your family about clothes-- all those cousins may be outgrowing things that your kids will happily use. (Don't sweat the 'hand me down' stuff... kids don't notice or care.)

But don't get tricked into the "coulda shoulda woulda" trap. What's done is done. Who's to say that things would have remained so rosy in Chicago? Maybe you wouldn't have found the doctors you did for your son, or you could have been hit by a bus. There's no way to tell, and speculating will only make you miserable.

Have your husband talk to his supervisors now about letters of recommendation. Then have him talk to those contacts in Chicago-- fill them in, let them know he's looking, and ask them for letters and ideas.

Does your husband have a resume together? Obviously that's a high priority.

My point is that looking back won't help. As comforting as it is, this is a time for action. So think about what you and your husband can do.

Good luck. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I am so sorry. As someone who chooses to live near family rather making big bucks I understand your choices and concerns. I hope that things come together. Take care of yourself in all of this. All that stess isnt good for you. Talk to the people you can, and lean on that family of yours. that is what they are there for.

 

[DisneyOHFan]

Sara, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We are actually in the same boat. My husband's company relocated and he opted to not take the relo package because we have a teenage son and it is tough for kids to move at that age (and we relo'd so many times we had 5 houses in 10 yrs).

I will say, I have been pleasantly surprised that it is much easier than I thought. He is doing consulting work, which does help, but he did check with temp agencies and they seem to be doing a lot of hiring. It appears many companies that let employees go because of the economy are bringing people back as temps first before they commit to hiring.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[bellarella]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

As hard as it is, though, it is time to dig deep and not let fear paralyze you. It sounds like it already is starting. You said you don't think your husband is being proactive enough. It also sounds like you aren't allowing yourself to look for a better job either because of fear of loss of security.

So often people focus on the risks associated with change. It's easy to do and makes sense -- they are obvious and are generally scary. But the flipside to that is that people often downplay the risks of remaining where they are. Again, it makes sense. You've already internalized those risks and have coping mechanisms. You also have viewpoint bias -- where you are influences how you view the world. (and I don't mean you personally, we all do it)

What I would do if I were in your situation (and I have been in certain parts of your situation, though obviously not the same) is the following.

Recognize that your husband is probably fighting fear with denial right now (which it sounds like you already have). Take that as an opportunity to jump in for him. Be his personal job search agent. Spend time researching jobs for him. Use Monster, Careerbuilder and every specialized job site you can think of. If he is in a particular profession, chances are there is a professional association. Many of them have career centers that will list jobs. Also use the Fortune 1000 list (and things like Money's Best places to work and the like) to find every company in every area you would consider living in and go to each company's site and look for jobs.

As you find jobs that are relevant to your husband's skills, present them to him. By giving him just good targets, it might be easier for him to engage in the process. Though you are stressed about this too, it is one level removed, so it might be easier for you to do the looking for the needle in the haystack (and it might help you feel more in control of the situation too).

As for you, I wouldn't let yourself think that this is the wrong time to look for a job. I know it is tough when you are thinking you might be the sole income, but that actually makes this a better time to look. It is always easier to find a job when you have a job. Look at this as an opportunity to find work that you might enjoy more, or if you really can't get your head there, at least to find a job that will make your survival more stable. If nothing comes of it, you still have the job you have. Looking for opportunities is always easier than looking for necessities.

Good luck to you, I know this is a scary place to be.

 

[ccgirl]

Since I have found a lot of comfort and hope in these boards I felt like I could vent here. My husband's company is close to liquidating and will more than likely not last through the summer. I am so scared that he will not be able to find work in time and we will have to survive off my income. I think for a short period of time we could be ok maybe even break even. He commutes about 1 hour each way to work. So the cost of gas and wear and tear on his car is about $150 a week. Our sitter is about $250 a week and with unemployment I know we could make it with a few cuts but I am so scared of what this could do for my husbands confidence. He is not looking as hard as I think he should be for a job but at the same time I understand. Its just been so hard the last couple of years I really can't believe this is us.

6 years ago we had dream jobs and were making a great living we were living in Chicago I asked my husband if he would consider moving home (for me) since we were expecting our first child and I wanted to be near family. It seems since we have been home everything has unravelled for us. Our son had some major health issues and our company (we were employeed by the same company) that we loved while we were in Chicago wasn't the same for us here. They put up with us for a while but we saw the writing on the wall and looked for other jobs after serious soul searching. For me I have never been the same I struggle with the guilt of working and feeling of not being as dedicated of an assocaite as I was before I had my kids. Before kids it was a career and worked hard for any advancement that I earned. To be honest right now its just a means to survive. I don't love what I do in fact I really don't like it but its flexible and allows me to be with my kids more. I am too afraid right now to look as i need the security that I have with my husbands job on the line. I just can't believe this is us. Sometimes I think we should have stayed in Chicago but then I see my kids playing with their cousins and I am so thankful we are home. I would move if we needed to and already told my husband if he can't find work he will have to move in with his mom (chicago) and we will have to commute until both of us have a job in either city. But this stinks. I know we have everything that matters (each other and our beautiful boys) and I am not a snob by any means I am willing to sacrfice I am just scared out of my mind. I know we can make it but this stinks.

Thanks for listening and please keep us and everyone else in similar or worse situations in your thoughts

I am so sorry to hear this. I wanted to comment on the bold. IT is very common and called the "working mom guilt". You always feel like if you are at work you are not a good mom, if you are at home you should be at work. It doesn't go away but does get easier! Concentrate on what does matter; your family. I was laid off twice in 3 years. Both times I was fortunate enough to find out a job. I did take quite a financial hit with a pay cut this last time but my company was just acquired by another company and things have greatly improved. Just be there to support hubby. It will all work out. Think of how lucky you are to have such a great support system to help you.

Sending good thoughts your way.