I am really sad about this--Wedding etiquette, sorta

[disneymom3]

Well, I had a lovely post all typed out and then got the dreaded "server is busy" message. So this one will be shorter.

Just want to clarify--I am not bent out of shape, I am not going to be "pressing" any issues or calling to try and get them to change their minds etc. As far as people telling me to "move on" well, I don't think I deserved that at all. I am not saying I am planning to do anything more than I have already done which was to call my nephew and ask him what they wanted. I called because I wanted to respect whatever their wishes were. That is what I am going to do. Please make sure that when you respond to a thread and address the OP, that you are only reading what the OP intends to do, not what other people have suggested.

The wedding ceremony is not in a church and even if it was he specifically said that they didn't want kids at the ceremony so I won't be bringing them to that either. And even if they were invited to that, it's about an hour drive from our house so I couldn't bring them home in between. Our original plan was to stay in a hotel in that area so DH could leave when the kids got tired and go put them to bed. Now we will try to find a sitter which I am not sure we will be able to do. If we can't I suppose I will go by myself which really sucks.

As far as why I assumed they would be invited, it honestly never occurred to me that they would not be. Every family wedding we have had, everyone has been invited. It's just the way we are.

I really appreciate the perspective of those who posted saying maybe the cost involved is part of the issue or perhaps there are other children or too many children that they would prefer not to have there. I have no idea and maybe the bride has lots of little cousins that they don't want to deal with. There are a lot of possibilities and it helps me to not take it personally.

Thanks for all the input. But again, please don't assume I have some rude plan because I don't. As rosemarie as well as some others said, I was just feeling sad, which is why my title is what it is. I do feel better about it but am still kind of bummed, honestly. I am sure I will deal with it.

 

[CathrynRose]

I think Im the only bride on the planet who encouraged kids to be brought to my wedding.

If you dont get kids used to knowing *how* to behave at events such as a wedding, how can you expect them to ever know??

Im sorry OP - that stinks.

 

[Nancyg56]

As far as why I assumed they would be invited, it honestly never occurred to me that they would not be. Every family wedding we have had, everyone has been invited. It's just the way we are.

I really appreciate the perspective of those who posted saying maybe the cost involved is part of the issue or perhaps there are other children or too many children that they would prefer not to have there. I have no idea and maybe the bride has lots of little cousins that they don't want to deal with. There are a lot of possibilities and it helps me to not take it personally.

When my DD married, she and her DF did not want to include the kids on his side of the family. She said that they were out of control monsters. Now my DH and I felt that weddings meant family, and while there was expense associated with their meals, we wanted them there. They came up with an age to cut kids off so as to exclude these children. In our case, this allowed all of my nieces and nephews to attend because they were over the age, which was exactly their intention. DH and I did not approve, but went along with this, but I have always wondered how many feelings were hurt on my DSIL's side of the family.

I think that wedding planning has taken on a life of it's own these days, with the "show" taking precedence over the true reason for the gathering of famiky and friends to witness this occasion. I hope that all works out for you and your family.

 

[tuckerkeys]

7 yrs ago i was "forced" into having all my little cousins at my wedding. i did not really want kids, but there were so many other things for me to worry about that i just shrugged it off. They were OK at the ceremony and the reception. I had A LOT of DRUNK adults who behaved worse then they did ( and i was tipsy too!) the funny thing was that after the wedding, I heard that the 2 older boys were drinking beer, and they took a disposable camera from 1 of the tables & shot butt shots in the bathroom for our viewing pleasure. so they sure did have a good time, and i didn't even really know they were even there.....

But if the couple does not want kids then you have to respect their wishes.... and i'm sure they got other calls about the kids that you weren't the only one....

 

[EthansMom]

I have kids and I have been to wedding ceremonies that were punctuated by the whining and crying of young children, so I can understand a bride wanting to have an adult-only wedding.

If I were invited to an adult-only wedding that was in/near my town, I would arrange for a friend or family member to watch the kids and go to the wedding.

If I were invited to a wedding that was far away and required spending money on plane tickets, gas and/or hotel rooms, I would not want to pay to take the kids if they aren't included. And I don't like to be away from my kids for too long. So, if my kids weren't invited to a wedding on the other side of the U.S. (my family's on the West Coast and we're on the East Coast), then I would send my regrets and not attend.

 

[roseprincess]

I think that wedding planning has taken on a life of it's own these days, with the "show" taking precedence over the true reason for the gathering of famiky and friends to witness this occasion. I hope that all works out for you and your family.

I agree that some, not all weddings seem to be for "show" also than more of a family event. I know this is somewhat OT, but so many of the bride's family or bride and groom(whoever is paying for the wedding and reception)just put in too much money for these elaborate weddings and receptions.
I know for my wedding, dh and I had a simple wedding at our church, had the reception in a big, nice, carpeted room in a room downstairs from the chapel. We had about 100 guests, including 15 kids. We had a luncheon(sandwiches,salads,fruit,wedding cake), all at our church. Our wedding ceremony started at 1pm and by the time people started leaving our reception around 5pm. We didn't have really any entertainment during our reception, no dancing or DJ or any of that,no open bar or any bar. We had put in music cassette tapes for background music during our reception part. Our church has a stereo system in this certain room they have wedding receptions, that you can put in cassette tapes and it will be feeded thru all these speakers in the room. Now the room uses CDs(newer technology than from the early 1990's). I know it sounds cheesy to some people here we did our reception this way, but it worked out really well. Dh and I paid for our whole wedding and reception, so we couldn't afford the DJ, having a reception in a big, fancy banquet hall somewhere.
When people and families were leaving to go home from the reception,we got so many compliments that they really enjoyed the ceremony and reception. One family said they thought the wedding was just right, not too much fancy stuff,it wasn't too long, and the wedding and ceremony was elegant, too, in their eyes. Dh and I were very surprised how many nice compliments we got from family and friends that attended. I know some of them were just trying to say nice things, but I think they truly enjoyed the simpler wedding and reception we had.

To the OP, I am sorry you are still bummed about no kids to your nephew's wedding . I do hope it works out about getting a sitter for the kids while you and your dh enjoy the wedding.


Rosemarie