I am really sad about this--Wedding etiquette, sorta

[robinb]

Umm, sorry, but my niece and my children are first cousins.

Apparently this is the son of the OP's brother or sister, or he wouldn't be her nephew.

Yeah, I know! I just figured that out on my 10 minute dog walk and you caught me already .

 

[Keli]

But then I find children to be entertaining and sweet at the weddings I've attended.

I've been to weddings where the kids were quietly entertaining and sweet but I've been to some where they ruined the wedding (in my opinion) by crying non stop or running around while their parents sat oblivious to it all.

Brides can't always trust parents to make their children behave and often they just want to say "No Children" so they don't take the chance of a little one drowning out the vows during the ceremony or knocking over the wedding cake at the reception.

 

[miss missy]

I would plan something fun for your kids. You have to either go with their wishes or don't go to the wedding. But maybe if your kids could have something fun to do... and don't stay long if ya don't want to.. you do have some control. Yep families stink sometimes!

 

[mickeysgal]

Still sad, but completely respecting their decision.

I see both sides. I understand your disappointment, I really do, yet I understand the reasons why people decide on a no kids rule for their wedding reception. If the ceremony will be in a church, then this is usually open to the public. Can the kids go to the ceremony to see the actual wedding and then off to a sitter for the reception? This way, maybe they can still feel a part of the actual wedding. The wedding is the important, meaningful part anyway, the reception is just a big 'ole party.

 

[poohandwendy]

I can understand why you are sad too. I had kids at my wedding, but can understand and respect why others may want to do things differently. I don't agree with other suggestions to try to change their mind on it, for one or more of your kids. They made their wishes clear and it is their wedding event, pushing the issue would be rude, IMO. I think it speaks highly of your character that you intend to respect their wishes.

Maybe ask some of the out of town guests (who may not see your DD, otherwise) if they would like to stay with you, if that is a feasible idea in your circumstances. Then, your kids could have the opportunity to have some time with them. Just an idea.

 

[Esmerelda]

If my kids were deeply hurt by his actions...I just don't think I could even bring myself to go to the wedding. When my kids hurt, I hurt.

I have been to many many weddings in my lifetime. I can honestly say that I've never seen a really bad scene with a small child. Grant you, if I had VERY young children (under 4 we'll say) then I definitely would not bring them to a wedding/reception. They get bored and tired at the age. If however, my children were old enough and looking forward to it and then were not invited...I would probably just stay home myself.

I myself just got married in May of 05 (yes, I finally found my prince charming after all these years). I did have all of my family at my wedding (kids included) with no problems at all. The most special two were my own...my boys...10 and 13 walked me down the aisle and it was the most special ceremony I've ever witnessed.

best of luck,
Esmerelda

 

[froglady]

I had an evening wedding with no children, except for one teenaged niece.

Because we both came from large families, and were both the youngest children of youngest children, there were a lot of children of sibs and 1st cousins! Add in the children of close friends, and the children would have outnumbered the adults. I had also attended weddings with misbehaving children (thank God it was before videotaping, so the crying and fussing was not recorded for posterity, unlike my niece's recent wedding) so opted to plan accordingly. I did NOT have any flower girls/ringbearers because of this, as I felt that would have been unfair to other parents and their children, and had also seen too many meltdowns.

BTW, I was working in a female dominated field where coworkers were frequently invited to weddings, so there were some months (May and June)when I was attending a wedding a weekend, and I had been a bridesmaid 6 times before my own wedding, so I really did have definite opinions about what I did and did not want.

 

[ducklite]

We had a daytime wedding and no kids. We had a very small guest list--under 50 people. I only invited two cousins who are both substatially older than me and have always been more like uncles. Had I invited ALL the cousins and their respective spouses, it would have sent my invitation list to well over 75, something we couldn't afford. Had it been cousins, spouses, and children, it would have more than doubled our list.

The other reason I didn't invite them is because many would have had a hissy fit when their kids weren't invited. One of my cousins would have started WWII if her kids weren't invited, and another of my cousins has a history of bringing her WILD CHILD of a daughter even if she isn't invited. I just didn't want the headaches, so I didn't invite any of them.

Unless your cousin ever specifically told you that your children would be invited, I'm not sure why you would have asumed it, even if his mother mentioned it. SHe's not the one making the guest list And there is a big difference between a teenager and ten year old. It's quite possible that they have an age cut for a number of reasons--financial, brats on the brides side of the family, who knows.

The way I look at it, it's the bride and groom's event. You had your own wedding and could choose how you wanted it. If you don't like the way they are doing things, send a card and gift but just stay home.

Anne

 

[aprilgail2]

I have the same thing in my family, my daughter is the only young child under 13 and is left out of family weddings when they don't have kids at their wedding but all the rest of my families kids are invited since they are older. I went to one without her and when they wanted to take "family portraits" I declined to be in any since MY family was not there and it didn't seem right ot be in a bunch of fmaily pictures with everyone and their kids when mine was not there. That was the day I decided to just decline any wedding invitation that does not include my daughter and I am much happier about it!

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Kids should always be invited to the Wedding Ceremony. It is a happy time, a time for celebration. But at the same time, the tone of a wedding can be completely set off by a pack of 20 children running around wild on the dance floor.

Sorry - can't agree to this or some other posts. Children shouldn't ALWAYS be invited to the Ceremony. I wanted an intimate and very serious ceremony. We were getting married in a large Cathedral and noise carries. If there were children who didn't know how to behave (and isnt that the case too often these days) ... I doubt I would have even heard my own vows.

ps - I do have children and still feel this way!!

Sorry - I think everyone ought to respect the decision of the bride and groom. It is their day. You can be sad, mad or upset - but it is their decision!!!! Let it be! You've already called once. Please don't make this akward and call again as has been suggested.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Sorry - can't agree to this or some other posts. Children shouldn't ALWAYS be invited to the Ceremony. I wanted an intimate and very serious ceremony. We were getting married in a large Cathedral and noise carries. If there were children who didn't know how to behave (and isnt that the case too often these days) ... I doubt I would have even heard my own vows.

ps - I do have children and still feel this way!!

Sorry - I think everyone ought to respect the decision of the bride and groom. It is their day. You can be sad, mad or upset - but it is their decision!!!! Let it be! You've already called once. Please don't make this akward and call again as has been suggested.

Yeah, what she said!!!

"Legally since the wedding is in a church everyone is welcome." WHAT?!?!?!? I could NEVER pull such a card on the bride and groom! If they don't want kids under a certain age at the wedding, I could be mad and pout all I wanted to, but I would certainly respect their wishes. This is not your children's day. If it bothers you so much, then don't go.

 

[PaulaSue]

Sorry, it's the bride and grooms chioce.

 

[Jennasis]

When my ex and I got married many moons ago, his brother (his only brother) had a baby who was I believe just about a year old. However, we were having an evening wedding, and I didn't want children around. This meant I would have to exclude my own young nieces and nephews (who were also quite rambunctious, but I do love them). Everybody was cool except my FBIL. He put up a huge stink about the baby not being able to come. We told them "NO", because then we'd have to allow ALL the kids to come, plus the reception was going to be quite late, loud, and unsuitable for an infant (his wife's parents were not invited and had offered to baby-sit).

Well, they brought the baby anyway! Made me look like a fool in front of my family (why can THEY bring a kid and not us?) and then had the GALL to ask the DJ to make the music lower because it was upsetting the baby!! The DJ came to me with the request laughing his head off at the idea, and then my BIL asked. I laughed and walked away.

My point is, I understand your upsettment and your DD's disappointment, but it's not your day or her day. The day belongs to the bride and groom and their wishes should be respected, whether we like them or not. Hire a sitter and enjoy the night out.

 

[roseprincess]

I would say to take your kids to the ceremony only and then have your kids go to a sitter and you and dh go to the reception without the kids. If the ceremony is at a church, it is legal for anyone to show up to the ceremony. Maybe show up to the ceremony with the kids about 10 min before the ceremony begins, don't show up way before that, then the bride may find out the kids are there, if she really dislikes kids. I really can't see how the bride and groom is really going to care who's kids show up to the ceremony part the day of their wedding, or the hour before they get married. The bride and groom will be so focused on if their wedding party is there, photographer, videographer is there, that they don't flub up saying their wedding vows, cold feet, etc, etc. What I'm trying to say is the bride and groom will be SO focused on the wedding logistics themselves that they are not going to focus on who showed up at the time of the ceremony. The bride and groom may focus on who showed up at their reception, I suppose.
I would also suggest whoever is paying for the wedding reception part (is it the nephew and his mom or the bride's family?). If it is your sister and nephew paying for the reception food, etc, then I can't see why they wouldn't let your kids be at the reception. If the bride's family is paying the reception, then you would probably have to respect the bride's and her side of the family's wishes of no kids at the reception.

Just go and take the kids to the ceremony!
Hope everything works out ok.

Rosemarie

 

[darrose]

So sorry to hear that your kids are not welcome. I am from a family and married into a family that includes children in their weddings and receptions. Been to a lot of weddings with children and so far no child has ruined a wedding that I keep hearing people worry about. I know it must happen because I hear it said a lot, but just havent seen it. The last wedding we went to it was my two year
old nephew dancing with his mom that really, really enjoyed the dance floor. LOL
However, at the end of the day its the bride and grooms choice and my choice to not attend if my family is not included.

 

[roseprincess]

My wedding 13 yrs. ago was a daytime wedding, dh and I paid for everything. My parents and dh's parents did not pay a dime for our wedding. Anyways, we invited kids to our wedding. Nothing bad happened, none of hte kids were real rowdy, etc. The kids didn't ruin our wedding ceremony and/or reception. Kids ranging from 2 months old to 11 yrs old were at our wedding. I would say about 10 to 15 kids were there at our wedding.
The only part of the reception that was strange was cutting into our wedding cake. the way our wedding cake and tiers were made, there was alot of cardboard. So we were cutting into cardboard, which dh and I had no clue about. My own dmother kinda made a stink about hte wedding cake to the waitresses. We have it on videotape. It is too funny for dh and I to see it. So, my dmother almost ruined our wedding reception
Otherwise, everything else worked out fine.


Rosemarie

 

[ozarkmom]

I'm sorry that your upset but I can't believe some people are suggesting that you just take your kids to the ceremony. How rude is that? This is their wedding and for whatever reason they've decided against kids being there period. We've had alot of family weddings with kids and a few without. My DH's nephew was the last one to get married. It was in a beautiful old Catholic church. In the middle of the ceremony some small child started whining which was very annoying then it turned into full blown crying and when the mom finally took the child out we got to listen to the clump,clump,clump of her shoes and child crying. I knew then why some would choose to not include children. The bottom line is that it's their day and if they want to hang upside down that's the way it should be done. I think you know this though and just wanted to get it off of your chest.

 

[mtemm]

I agree, I can't believe people are suggesting you go ahead and bring the kids to the ceremony anyway. If they want to go because they want to see their CA family, that really isn't the time/place for a reunion with them, so that kind of defeats that purpose. And I would guess a child would be far more interested in the reception (cake! music! fun!) rather than a solemn ceremony where they need to be quiet an on their best behavior, so again, that kind of defeats the purpose.

I know your daughter is disappointed. Isn't there any way that they can see their CA family at another point? Could you have them over after the wedding, if its a daytime wedding (my 11 am wedding was over by 5 or 6), or if its an evening wedding, have them over for breakfast or the like? just some thoughts.

 

[Laura]

OP, do not crash the ceremony with your kids. I think that's terrible advice, and I hope you're ignoring it. If your children are not invited, they're not invited. I know it sucks, but there may be reasons why that you do not know about. It very well could be that someone else's children are horrible monsters, but not inviting those children while inviting others would cause a big stink. Maybe the reception isn't made for children in mind. My wedding was an all-ages affair, but some weddings are definitely geared to adults.

Just FYI to those who suggest crashing wedding ceremonies: I had some family members who were not invited come to my ceremony anyway. It was not in a church and it was NOT open to the public. There were only so many chairs set up for guests, so if "just anyone" wanted to wander in an watch, they were stealing a seat from someone I invited. Fortunately, these were only two family members, and the seating arrangement had extra chairs. But if ten or so people wanted to crash my ceremony, there would have been some problems.

 

[Nancyg56]

A DD of a friend of mine did not want children at her wedding. Her family was fine with this (at least to her knowledge), and so Mom arranged for my DD to babysit all of the kids. They were all from out of town. Now the brides parents had no problem if the children were included, but went along with DD.

FF to today. The DD has two children of her own, and was invited to a family wedding. She is the one traveling with kids, and you guessed it, no children invited. She cannot understand why she can't ring her children, after all she had to travel with them.

Funny how the prospective changes depending on who is impacted by the decision.