I am really sad about this--Wedding etiquette, sorta

[disneymom3]

I just have to get this out and you guys seemed like a good group to listen to me. My nephew is getting married in a couple of months. We got the invite recently and it was just addressed to DH and I but my sister had made mention of my kids and the wedding. (For the record they are 10, 6 and 4 almost 5 by then.) So, I went ahead and called my nephew and asked if they were planning on the kids or not. I was very tactful and said if they were planning on them then I wanted to bring them but if they did not want them there then we wanted to be respectful of that too. He said no they were not planning on having any little kids there. I said, okay, thanks for letting me know, talk to you later.

I will totally respect their wishes, and also respect that it is their decision to be made but at the same time, it reallly makes me sad. For one thing DD has been looking forward to this since when we were in CA she was talking to some of her cousins who will be coming out for the wedding about it. For another, my kids have been invited to his brother and his sisters weddings and at the first one, which was a daytime wedding, DH took the kids out and went up to our hotel room when the baby got fussy at the reception. At the other which was in the evening the boys were too little so we did have them stay with a sitter but brought DD who I swear to you was perfectly well behaved.

Here is the kicker though--my kids are his cousins. My kids are the only cousins NOT invited to the wedding. Remember I said DD was talking to her cousins in CA? Yeah, they are invited....my kids aren't. Granted they are all teens, and mine are under 10, but still. Plus, no one will be in town for long so if they don't go to the wedding they probably won't see the folks from CA which is a disappointment.

I'm just sad. I thought our family ran deeper than that.

And heck this kid was the most obnoxious 10 yo, but I didn't consider not inviting him to MY wedding.

If you got this far, thanks for listening.

 

[Tazicket]

Ouch. Unfortunately, there's not a simple happy answer to that. How much older are the cousins? Are they in their late teens? Would they be ok with you bringing the 10 yo, and leaving the other two with a sitter, or would that cause a revolt amongst the youngins?

 

[lisajl]

Awww Julie,
Sorry you are going through this. For the record, we did not have kids at our wedding. Except my niece that was the flower girl.
My DH's nephews were horrible children! HORRIBLE! I did not want them climbing all over everything. The nice thing was my SIL said, "Thank you", she did want have to fuss with them.

I don't know what else to say other than to send you a big

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Sorry to hear that your kids will be disappointed.
I can somewhat understand not wanting young kids at a wedding. But not totally.
To me, family is family. And when my ex-fiance and I talked of our wedding, we knew that we would invite everyone regardless of age. Heck, we were going to have youngs ones in the wedding.
We felt (and I still do) that a wedding is a happy occasion and you should want everyone to share in your happiness.
I don't understand why many people can't see it that way.

to your daughter for her disappointment.

 

[jfulcer]

Yeah, they are invited....my kids aren't. Granted they are all teens, and mine are under 10, but still. Plus, no one will be in town for long so if they don't go to the wedding they probably won't see the folks from CA which is a disappointment.

You just answered your own question there. Brides can be very weird about having kids running around at weddings. And yes, you may say your child is perfectly behaved - but they may not be thinking of you. They may be thinking of Joe Schmoe, friend of the groom that has 4 horrid children that will stick their fingers in the cake just to be funny.

So how can you tell them 'No' and tell you 'Yes' at the same time? You can't without being tacky. The other cousins are teens and that's a big difference - and why they are allowed to go.

I'd respect their wishes, have a talk with your kids about it being an 'adult time' at night. I would assume your kids are invited to the wedding ceremony - they can come to that, see their cousins, see the wedding, and then you take them home to a sitter. They get the best of both worlds, and you get a kid-free night!!! Woo hoo date night!!!

 

[fabumouse]

I am sorry. I think that people tend to get caught up in the moment of planning things and making decisions -- like small children will ruin the video of the wedding or will be distracting, or what-have-you -- and they don't consider all the ramifications of those decisions.

Especially those people without small children themselves.

I hope you can make other arrangments for your children to see their extended family, it sounds important to you and to them.

Good luck!

 

[jfulcer]

We felt (and I still do) that a wedding is a happy occasion and you should want everyone to share in your happiness.
I don't understand why many people can't see it that way.

to your daughter for her disappointment.

Kids should always be invited to the Wedding Ceremony. It is a happy time, a time for celebration. But at the same time, the tone of a wedding can be completely set off by a pack of 20 children running around wild on the dance floor.

And before you jump on me about being anti-kids - I have two wonderful daughters that under normal circumstances are well behaved children. Add their cousins, music, lights, and a huge dance floor and they want to dance around. Again - no problem because I will ride herd on them and if they get out of hand they will be leaving. They know that. But what about the other parents that are there that just are there to have a good time and 'kids will be kids' and don't make sure the kids are behaving? I've seen it, and I'm sure you have. It takes a 'Happy Celebration' and turns it into a free-for all.

 

[MosMom]

I might call him and gently bring up the fact that your kids are his cousins and not just any "kids". Perhaps he might have a change of heart and allow them to come. Remind him how much your daughter was looking forward to going to her cousins wedding.

 

[jfulcer]

I am sorry. I think that people tend to get caught up in the moment of planning things and making decisions -- like small children will ruin the video of the wedding or will be distracting, or what-have-you -- and they don't consider all the ramifications of those decisions.

Especially those people without small children themselves.

Ok, I see to be playing devil's advocate here again.

I've got kids myself and I can totally understand this decision. It's the brides day, it's her choice. Some wedding halls don't serve 'kids meals'. So do really want to pay $20-30 for a plate of food that a kid most likely won't like and/or finish? I'm sorry that's so harsh, but if you think about how many kids could potentially get invited, that's a ton of money.

Even if the hall does server kids food, it's the brides choice to make. If we were invited to a wedding sans kids (and we have been) - that's a time for the baby sitter. If we can't find a sitter, just one of us goes or neither.

 

[disneymom3]

You just answered your own question there. Brides can be very weird about having kids running around at weddings. And yes, you may say your child is perfectly behaved - but they may not be thinking of you. They may be thinking of Joe Schmoe, friend of the groom that has 4 horrid children that will stick their fingers in the cake just to be funny.

So how can you tell them 'No' and tell you 'Yes' at the same time? You can't without being tacky. The other cousins are teens and that's a big difference - and why they are allowed to go.

I'd respect their wishes, have a talk with your kids about it being an 'adult time' at night. I would assume your kids are invited to the wedding ceremony - they can come to that, see their cousins, see the wedding, and then you take them home to a sitter. They get the best of both worlds, and you get a kid-free night!!! Woo hoo date night!!!

Thanks. You know, this is what I am telling myself. I don't know his fiance well and maybe she has some horrid nieces and nephews or cousins or something. The other cousins are all late teens--I am the youngest by a long shot in my family. Intellectually I know this, but I am still sad. And no, they are not invited to the ceremony either. Actually I was talking to him on his cell and he first said that they didnt' want kids at the ceremony but they could come to the reception. Then his phone cut off and when I called him back a few minutes later he said, they weren't planning on the kids at all. He was in the car with his fiance at the time so I am going with the idea that this is her plan. Still.......

Thanks for all the hugs guys. These replies came fast and it really does make me feel better and not totally alone in this.

 

[minkydog]

Sorry to hear that your kids will be disappointed.
I can somewhat understand not wanting young kids at a wedding. But not totally.
To me, family is family. And when my ex-fiance and I talked of our wedding, we knew that we would invite everyone regardless of age. Heck, we were going to have youngs ones in the wedding.
We felt (and I still do) that a wedding is a happy occasion and you should want everyone to share in your happiness.
I don't understand why many people can't see it that way.

to your daughter for her disappointment.

I'm with you. In our family weddings are all about re-connecting with family. My oldest son has been included in weddings since he was 1 month old. And DD,then9, was the one and only bridesmaid for my SIL at an all-adult wedding. Even my autistic one is included in our weddings (we always take him out when he starts up.) In fact, he is often better behaved than the so-called "normal" kids.

I don' know,OP...brides can be pretty funny in a not-nice way. She's Queen for a Day and it's all about her I'd be disappointed if the kids were not invited to a family wedding. But then I find children to be entertaining and sweet at the weddings I've attended.

 

[disneymom3]

I might call him and gently bring up the fact that your kids are his cousins and not just any "kids". Perhaps he might have a change of heart and allow them to come. Remind him how much your daughter was looking forward to going to her cousins wedding.

Ooops, missed this one. No, I won't do that. If he is already in an awkward situation I am not going to make it worse. I really do love him and he's a great kid. I don't think he is seeing this from my perspective and I am sure he has no realization that I am hurt. That is okay. It is their wedding and totally their decision.

Still sad, but completely respecting their decision.

 

[minniecarousel]

"Kids should always be invited to the Wedding Ceremony." Whoa - I disagree! 2 year-olds are cute, but they can be fussy during a solemn ceremony....babies don't know when not to cry. I'd rather have kids at the reception than at the ceremony. JMO.

My DSs were not invited to their cousin's wedding. She is local, the ceremony & reception were local and our sons were 22 & 20!! She just didn't feel close to them, so didn't invite them! Yet, the cousin who came from Washington state with his parents (younger than my boys - she has seen him even less - he was invited.) Who knows why bridezillas decide on what they decide! go figure

 

[Tam1067]

Gosh, I can understand how you feel sad and disappointed, but lots of brides have an age in mind (say under 10) when kids shouldn't be there, for whatever reason.

I doubt this'll make you feel better or not, but my cousin just got married, and at the wedding we found out that she invited all the kids (including cousins' kids) except for one of her brother's kids--which is really weird since his kids are better behaved than some of those who were invited. I think brides do weird things, and you should not take it personally or think it reflects at all on how the groom views you or your kids. She may be under a budget constraint, or she may not want her ceremony and reception disrupted by crying, and it's her choice really. Just go to the wedding and enjoy yourself!

 

[robinb]

I was a bride that said "no kids" at my wedding and I was in my 30's. Honestly, those who don't have children just don't understand.

I agree with Jeff ... take your kids to the ceremony and arrange for a baby-sitter for the reception. Ask the bride for local references .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

{{HUGS}}....It will be OK.
What helps me is that I say to myself that your out of town family is here for the wedding, not a family reunion.
Gets me through. You have your chit-chat with people and that is it. Ceremonies & Receptions are not the best places to really catch up anyway.
Just go and have fun!!!

 

[Beth76]

I did not have kids at my wedding either, so I understand the bride's POV. You said you don't want to ask your nephew if your older daughter can go--I agree. What if you casually mentioned to your sister how disappointed your one daughter is that she can't go. She was really looking forward to it. Not come right out and ask, but just make a little mention. Then maybe she'll take the "hint" and see if an exception can be made for your 10yo (maybe she just missed the "cutoff".)

Also, if the ceremony is in a church, legally anyone can attend. Perhaps you can take her to the ceremony (I doubt the bride would notice) but take her home for the reception.

 

[NAB]

Sometimes guess list get pretty long too and they have to cut somewhere. I know because when I was young my sister got to go and I didn't do to age cut off and another one they didn't realize my age and made a mistake so I didn't get invited. And of course if some relatives are from out of town and can't get a babysitter that could be it too.

Sorry your sad but enjoy the wedding if you can like someone said make it a date night.

 

[Luv'sTink]

I have never understood this either. We had children and not one hitch!

Something else I have never understood is the saying "the BRIDES day," does this mean the groom doesn't have to show?

My DH invited who he wanted and I invited who I wanted and both sets of parents invited guest also. For us it was about joining as a family rather than a show for the audience.

 

[tinatark]

It's your nephew's wedding? Your kids are officially "cousins" but not first cousins. It's not like you are being stiffed by your own brother or sister. I was a bride that said "no kids" at my wedding and I was in my 30's. Honestly, those who don't have children just don't understand.

I agree with Jeff ... take your kids to the ceremony and arrange for a baby-sitter for the reception. Ask the bride for local references .

Umm, sorry, but my niece and my children are first cousins.

Apparently this is the son of the OP's brother or sister, or he wouldn't be her nephew.

What I've seen at some church weddings is that there is a room set up for kids - so they're included in the day, especially if they're family. The couple pays for help to man the room, snacks, etc. Parents will bring games, etc. Of course this only works if the couple is concerned enough to not want to step on the parents toes - esp. inviting some cousins, not all.

I would be very hurt if my niece didn't invite my children (her cousins) to her wedding, trusting me to ensure their behavior wasn't disruptive. I probably wouldn't go.