Husband thinks our son is gay

[Myothername]

Thanks for all the advice. I have told husband that his coworkers, all but 2 are women, do not tell him everything going on with their kids. They only tell the good stuff. Their kids are no more perfect than ours. Husband is OCD and he is obsessed with this issue for now. Hopefully it will blow over soon.

 

[Surfinpiratee]

Not an adult yet -he's acting more like a somewhat irresponsible teenager. Help/let/make him grow up. Don't be concerned about his sexuality.

I kind of agree. I definitely would not ask him about it. Nothing you said about him makes him sound like he could be gay to me. Just because he's a quiet kid doesn't mean anything. And just because he hasn't brought a girl home just means he was never that serious with them. I'm 22 as well, and have alot of friends who have never had a serious relationship before.

 

[clh2]

Maybe your husband needs to learn how to make up lies about his son, just like the other women at his work do about their own children.

Honestly. Comparing your child to what another parents says about their child is ridiculous.

This is absolutely hilarious, AND TRUE!

 

[DisneyNutMary]

OP, sounds like your son is well adjusted and you have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, it sounds like you have your hands full with your DH, over obsessing and reading into things that don't exist.
By your DH's estimation, my stepson would also be considered gay, but truth is the boy is 25 and is still afraid his parents and step parent will embarrass him, so we've never seen hide nor hair of a girl (but we have recently become aware of her existence by accident)

 

[mrsklamc]

Sounds like DS wouldn't want to bring home a girl or a boy because dad is prone to jumping to ridiculous conclusions.

(not saying it would be ridiculous if DS were gay, just crazy to decide that based on 'he hasn't brought a girl home.)

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My dad wondered the same of me at about 19 because I wasn't bringing girls home. Well, I'm not gay, but I also just didn't date much. I love women, always have. The feeling just hasn't always been mutual

 

[manning]

Advise to husband, nothing he can do about it so don't worry about it.

I have a cousin who we think is gay. Do we make a big deal about it? no, thus everyone in the family is happy and get along.

 

[aristocatz]

For many years, I thought my older brother was gay. He was very private about who he dated, never had a serious girlfriend (who I knew about). Turns out he was not (he is happily married to a woman now)-he was just extremely shy and socially awkward. If he was gay, it would have made no difference to me. I think my parents would have needed some time to get used to it, but I do not think they would have ever rejected him.

I have many close friends who are gay, and I would say to please leave it alone. If your son is, let him come to you on his own terms when he is comfortable and ready.

I remember when one of my very close friends came out to his parents about 12 years ago. He was in his early 20's and came from a very religious home. He had a few drinks and then told them over the phone. I remember he was shaking when he told them. They were very accepting and did not make a big deal over it either way. A few days later, he received a card from them in the mail that simply said "Just wanted to let you know that we love you."

 

[Disney Springs]

I would advise to NOT ask such a personal question….even if it is your son. If you and your husband don't care one way or another about his sexuality, then why ask? Just wait and see how it pans out.

My DH was 26 when we met. He had never had a girlfriend. I was his first (and only!) one. So his parents and sisters always asked him thru the years if he was gay. DH is almost 40 now, and whenever he brings this up from the past, I can tell how much it annoyed and hurt him, that his family assumed he was gay just because he never had a girlfriend until he was 26 years old.

So take my advice for what it's worth. But after seeing how much that effected my DH, I just cringe when I hear about parents who want to ask if their children are gay. Just let them be, and if or when they are ready, they'll say something. Or you could be completely wrong with your hunch, and he may not be gay.

But it is possible that some guys are just extremely shy…..that's how my DH was.

 

[JakeJenna]

I was rumored to be gay for a long time. I did not date until I was 20, that made everyone think I was gay I guess. Truth be told I had no confidence and was scared of rejection so I did not try. I started working with a bunch of girls my own age they came made the move on me and I gained confidence. Met DW two years later.

 

[dyna]

My DD is mid 30's has never dated she too is a very private person who needs lots of down alone time. As a child she never had friends was always very close to her sisters and 1 of my cousins.

DD has always known she would not be a good partner for anyone so has never gotten into a relationship. I respect that....it has nothing to do with her sexual preference

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly. He does. I don't care either way but I have never thought he was anyway. Son is 22, lives at home. He is an only child and is very private about his personal life. He always has been. I have talked to other only children and they said they were the same way. I guess having one child we were always up in his business because he was all we had so now he does not want to share.

He has dated a few girls but husband claims since he has never brought one home for us to meet those don't count. I don't know what to say to him. I am closer to our son than he is and actually their relationship is pretty thin. Husband wants me to ask our son if he is gay and tell him we don't care if he is. He thinks son is hiding this from us and that is the reason for any and all of his problems (dropping out of school, minor drug use, gets angry at us about stuff, works minimum wage job, etc. nothing that other people don't do or have done) I am not about to do that because it is none of our business.

Part of the problem is husband works with a bunch of women and all they do is talk about their kids who are all around the same age as our son. He is constantly comparing our son to their "perfect" children. I keep telling husband that our son has always done things his own way and is not ever going to change. No he is not perfect. Dropped out of college, works at a minimum wage job, very messy in his room, etc. But he is a good person and goes out of his way to help friends and total strangers.

Your DH is trying to incite drama between ALL of you. Don't take the bait.

I am glad that you already have decided you are not going to do it.

I think your DH is mourning the fact his son is not "moving on with life" compared with others at his work and it is hitting him pretty hard. I am sure he had dreams of your son going to college, getting a good job in his field and moving out.

The best thing you can do is to continue to reassure him that his son will find his own way, on his own time.

I also have a 22yodd living at home who dropped out of college, working part time, etc... who is also "very private".

Whether he is gay or not is something that you will find out in due time.

 

[eliza61]

Your DH is trying to incite drama between ALL of you. Don't take the bait.

I am glad that you already have decided you are not going to do it.


I also have a 22yodd living at home who dropped out of college, working part time, etc... who is also "very private".

Whether he is gay or not is something that you will find out in due time.

Hey MM, do you remember a couple of summers ago we had all these post about perfect kids?
Seems everyone's kids here knew exactly what they wanted to be at age 8 and had the college thing all together and as young adults were mature adults.

I kept thinking I must be the worlds worst mom because my kid doesn't have a clue what he wants to do and getting him to focus was a major chore.

I remember when I finally posted that, out of the blue, tons of post saying the same thing.

LOL. moral of the story, never compare your kids or life to the public versions.

Op, tell your dh to chill. My kids sexual orientation would be the least of the things I would worry about.

 

[Granny square]

Eh, your husband is just having a hard time and looking for answers. We all do that sometimes. Sorry you are taking the brunt. Lol, remind him he owes you next time you are fretting

 

[SydSim]

I'm not going to be too hard on your DH. In olden days (and recent days), no one said anything and no one asked anything. Gays kids suffered in silence because they thought (or knew) they would be ostracized. Parents may have had a suspicion but didn't ask because it would cement the truth (that they didn't want to face).

I don't think it's a bad thing for your husband to want to put things out in the open. Don't statistics show that closeted gay youth have a very high rate for self destructive behavior?

Maybe your DH thinks that your son would be relieved if the two of you opened the door for discussion about this, especially if DS may be struggling with himself because of it.

Now whether the things that he is doing are signs of being gay, can't say one way or the other but your DH could be picking up signals that you aren't.

 

[DWGal210]

I also wouldn't say anything to your son. If he is gay, he will tell you in his own time.

But I will echo others that say that just because he hasn't brought girls home and isn't a serious relationship doesn't mean he's gay. I'm a 31 (almost 32) year old single woman, I've never been in a serious relationship and I am not gay, just shy and a slow-mover in terms of dating and relationships.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't know what to say to him.

Oh, that's easy: "What difference would it make?"

Edit: Never mind, I see that he doesn't actually care.

 

[Liberty Belle]

 

[Liberty Belle]

My dad wondered the same of me at about 19 because I wasn't bringing girls home. Well, I'm not gay, but I also just didn't date much. I love women, always have. The feeling just hasn't always been mutual

 

[DawnM]

Interesting.

My husband comes home with co-workers' kids stories and is thankful our kids aren't dating at all.