Husband help needed...

[Justanopinion]

My friend sent me this message about her DH...she states that he has a temper but she's never said that he has physically hurt her or the baby before. I am sorta close with this friend but more over the phone and online, we get to see each other maybe once a year. She used to work for a great company till she got pregnant, they then fired her. She stayed home with the baby at first but they needed some more income so she has been working part time for a church at the Mother's Day out program and Wednesday night service. She also attends church every week but her DH refuses. He has never been to church and doesn't want to go. I know they have argued recently because she takes the baby to church and he doesn't want the baby to grow up going to church. Any advice I can give her? I want to tell her to just leave.


He basically said that he can't handle M anymore, that he is tired of her. What the heck does that mean? She's not the best kid in the world by far, but she's 2, give me a break. I asked him to leave if it was bad for him and he never answered me. He told me he is unhappy because of her. That's nice. So I asked him if I need to start taking her to work with me on Wednesday nights (the only night he watches her) and he never answered me, kept ignoring me. I then turned the TV off and asked him to talk to me. I told him I now do not trust him alone with her, I am afraid he could hurt her if he gets too pissed off. He didn't even argue with me, didn't say anything at all. He has never been around kids, he gets mad cause she is so independent and when he comes home she gets pissed if he comes in her territory. She runs and hugs him then is done. And when she gets upset cause he trys to mess with her it pisses him off. Who is the 2 year old???? Just leave her alone, that's all she wants. He also hates that he can't change her diaper. She will only let me, she kicks and screams if he trys too. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix that cause he does have to do it from time to time. She started doing that tonight when we were putting her to bed, and he spanked her pretty hard. I told him that she is still small and learning you can't go beating a kid just cause she fights you changing her diaper. I don't know what to do. She can be a little fussy and cry sometimes, but what 2 yr old doesn't? Back to leaving her at home with him.... When I told him I was afraid of him hurting her because people that were once normal go crazy and do stupid **** like cutting off their childs arms, all he said was he would never do that cause he can't stand the sight of blood. WHAT??? Maybe the answer should have been I would never hurt my child cause I love her. I don't know if I am making this a big deal when it's not. But this really bothers me now, I don't know if I trust him. What if he's depressed and doesn't know it. The one thing I know is that he has a bad temper. I know when I talk to him about this again he will say that he didn't say that about the blood or tell me I took it wrong. I know he loves her. I just don't know what to think.

 

[Justanopinion]

bumping

 

[GothTink]

If she were my friend, I'd urge her to leave him. How could anyone still want to be with a man that acts this way toward his own child?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

She needs to get her daughter out of there ASAP. Sounds like there has been some kind of abuse already, with the way the daughter is reacting to her father. He's obviously ambivalent to her and the baby. She needs to get the hell out of the there NOW.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Take the baby and go. Or have him removed from the home. He is clearly sending her a message that he is unsafe to be around the child. If something happens, she is now equally responsible as she recognized that he may be dangerous to the baby.

I would tell her to have him removed from the home. Given the nature of my work, if that didn't happen in 24 hours, I would call Child Protection. Better to lose a friend, than have a child hurt or killed.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Meant to add that if the baby fights just him changing her diaper (and doesn't display that sort of behavior with anyone else) the child could be reacting to abuse.

Spanking a two year old (let's not all go there right now, ok-this is much more serious than people jumping on this thread to post pretended outrage) for something of this nature is wrong. Period.

 

[fkj2]

I'd like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but there doesn't seem to be much a marriage there. If she can maintain, she needs to develop a strategy for departure: check financial obligations, have a place to go to, update her work skills if needed, ask family/friends for child care help.

If it's like this now, what will it be like if a second child comes along?

Your friend deserves better, and being a single mom may well be better than enduring the stress, anxiety, and disappointment that she's currently experiencing. I'd get my daughter away from such a negative father figure before the child internalizes that she's supposed to be treated like that. And your friend needs to escape the psychological abuse.

 

[Minnie-n-Mickey4ever]

Question - did this man ever want children in the first place? Was it a mutual decision to have a child or did this woman want the baby and became pregnant?

If the guy never wanted kids - then the way he is acting is understandable - not ACCEPTABLE mind you, but it explains his acting as a spoiled child so to speak, and being so angry with the child.

Either way - the baby and mom need to get out of that situation and fast! I would NOT leave the baby with him at all. He could hurt the child without really meaning to, but because of his anger and unhappiness (with the child, his life...etc.,) it would contribute to him hurting the child.

What a sad situation.

 

[Justanopinion]

Question - did this man ever want children in the first place? Was it a mutual decision to have a child or did this woman want the baby and became pregnant?

If the guy never wanted kids - then the way he is acting is understandable - not ACCEPTABLE mind you, but it explains his acting as a spoiled child so to speak, and being so angry with the child.

Either way - the baby and mom need to get out of that situation and fast! I would NOT leave the baby with him at all. He could hurt the child without really meaning to, but because of his anger and unhappiness (with the child, his life...etc.,) it would contribute to him hurting the child.

What a sad situation.

Yes, this man did want kids but they struggled for a long time to get pregnant(she has something, can't remember the intials and he has low sperm count). They waited for awhile to have kids because of debt, he is very selfish and likes to use his credit card on big boy toys.

They seperated for about a month and actually she got pregnant while they were seperated. He does not know the baby is not his, he thinks it's the great make up sex.

He loves this child but also has been very detached in my opinion. When you refer to your own child as having to babysit something is wrong. I told her this long ago.

I posted on her last week or so. She lost her dad Labor Day weekend and he has not been very supportive. He thinks she needs to get over it and she still cries a lot.

I agree, she needs to leave. I just wanted to hear it from someone else also before I expressed that to her. Just wanted to make sure I didn't have a biased opinion. KWIM?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Yes, this man did want kids but they struggled for a long time to get pregnant(she has something, can't remember the intials and he has low sperm count). They waited for awhile to have kids because of debt, he is very selfish and likes to use his credit card on big boy toys.

They seperated for about a month and actually she got pregnant while they were seperated. He does not know the baby is not his, he thinks it's the great make up sex.

He loves this child but also has been very detached in my opinion. When you refer to your own child as having to babysit something is wrong. I told her this long ago.

I posted on her last week or so. She lost her dad Labor Day weekend and he has not been very supportive. He thinks she needs to get over it and she still cries a lot.

I agree, she needs to leave. I just wanted to hear it from someone else also before I expressed that to her. Just wanted to make sure I didn't have a biased opinion. KWIM?

So you're saying the baby isn't his? He thinks the baby is his and he has anger issues now and you think if he finds out it's not his baby he won't hurt her or her mother!?

 

[fkj2]

They seperated for about a month and actually she got pregnant while they were seperated. He does not know the baby is not his, he thinks it's the great make up sex.

Don't bet the ranch on that. He may have suspicions which would explain some of the attitude toward the child.

I posted on her last week or so. She lost her dad Labor Day weekend and he has not been very supportive. He thinks she needs to get over it and she still cries a lot.

I agree, she needs to leave. I just wanted to hear it from someone else also before I expressed that to her. Just wanted to make sure I didn't have a biased opinion. KWIM?

She's overloaded between grief and the marriage. You're thinking more clearly than she is.

That she got pregnant during a separation and is trying to hide the fact from the husband...what is she thinking??? The marriage was over THEN.

 

[HumanLegs]

The child isn't even HIS?!?! Good God. And I'm guessing she hasn't told him? Why hasn't she spilled the beans? I'm not condoning his behavior at all. It's unacceptable that he acts this way towards the kid but perhaps he's got a 'gut feeling' about he/she and is taking it out on the kid when he should be taking it out on mom. It's not ok that she's allowing this man to believe he's the father when he's not.

I say they should both leave (mom and baby). And as an added bonus she wouldn't even have to deal with CS and all the other nasty court stuff.

 

[brockash]

My friend sent me this message about her DH...she states that he has a temper but she's never said that he has physically hurt her or the baby before. I am sorta close with this friend but more over the phone and online, we get to see each other maybe once a year. She used to work for a great company till she got pregnant, they then fired her. She stayed home with the baby at first but they needed some more income so she has been working part time for a church at the Mother's Day out program and Wednesday night service. She also attends church every week but her DH refuses. He has never been to church and doesn't want to go. I know they have argued recently because she takes the baby to church and he doesn't want the baby to grow up going to church. Any advice I can give her? I want to tell her to just leave.


He basically said that he can't handle M anymore, that he is tired of her. What the heck does that mean? She's not the best kid in the world by far, but she's 2, give me a break. I asked him to leave if it was bad for him and he never answered me. He told me he is unhappy because of her. That's nice. So I asked him if I need to start taking her to work with me on Wednesday nights (the only night he watches her) and he never answered me, kept ignoring me. I then turned the TV off and asked him to talk to me. I told him I now do not trust him alone with her, I am afraid he could hurt her if he gets too pissed off. He didn't even argue with me, didn't say anything at all. He has never been around kids, he gets mad cause she is so independent and when he comes home she gets pissed if he comes in her territory. She runs and hugs him then is done. And when she gets upset cause he trys to mess with her it pisses him off. Who is the 2 year old???? Just leave her alone, that's all she wants. He also hates that he can't change her diaper. She will only let me, she kicks and screams if he trys too. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix that cause he does have to do it from time to time. She started doing that tonight when we were putting her to bed, and he spanked her pretty hard. I told him that she is still small and learning you can't go beating a kid just cause she fights you changing her diaper. I don't know what to do. She can be a little fussy and cry sometimes, but what 2 yr old doesn't? Back to leaving her at home with him.... When I told him I was afraid of him hurting her because people that were once normal go crazy and do stupid **** like cutting off their childs arms, all he said was he would never do that cause he can't stand the sight of blood. WHAT??? Maybe the answer should have been I would never hurt my child cause I love her. I don't know if I am making this a big deal when it's not. But this really bothers me now, I don't know if I trust him. What if he's depressed and doesn't know it. The one thing I know is that he has a bad temper. I know when I talk to him about this again he will say that he didn't say that about the blood or tell me I took it wrong. I know he loves her. I just don't know what to think.

No, she's not making it a big deal. I think she's not making a big enough deal out of it. First of all you need to tell her to NEVER leave her DD with DH. -I wouldn't even leave them in the same room together alone. The husband is basically telling her not to, and that he doesn't want the child- those are about as big of red flags/signs as you can get. I can't stress how much she needs to make sure he's NEVER alone with the daughter at all. -What Dad says they can't stand their child... one that shouldn't be left alone ever with the child. What the heck is he doing spanking "pretty hard" no less, a 2 year old!!!! That's insane, and the mom shouldn't just sit back and do nothing. It's her responsibility to protect her child before anything else. I understand it's a really tough spot that she's in, but at the end of the day the only thing she needs to worry about if her DD and the safety of the DD. I absolutely think she needs to get out of that marriage, and hope he doesn't try to get custody...although it doesn't sound like he would try, but she needs to be VERY careful. I think she needs to hear as much as possible that what's happening is not okay, she's not over-reacting, and she needs to protect her child. No one is going to think she's a bad person or is mean, because she does what's best for her child (not that it should even matter.) She needs to leave him asap, but at the very least NEVER leave her DD alone with the husband. It sounds like the husband has issues or maybe he just doesn't want kids, and if it's the later, then at least he has enough courage to say that (although it's a little late) but if he's just having issues, fine but she needs to be out of there with DD until the issues are fixed.

 

[brockash]

She needs to get her daughter out of there ASAP. Sounds like there has been some kind of abuse already, with the way the daughter is reacting to her father. He's obviously ambivalent to her and the baby. She needs to get the hell out of the there NOW.

ITA. I guess maybe the child could just be being a pain about who changes her, because she might know she'll get her way, but on the other hand that could be a huge sign- and I'd rather not take the chances. -I don't know many 2 year olds that are insistant that 1 individual not change their diaper.

 

[jemgumby]

SHe needs to go now. It sounds like he could seriously hurt her or the baby when he finds out the child is not his.....As others have said he may suspect the child is not his.

 

[Pixie Tales]

Did you ever think that maybe he DOES know the baby is NOT his? Maybe he knows and never said anything about knowing. A detachment from the baby would be expected then. If he knows she had a baby by someone else when they were separated only for a month who knows what he thinks now.

She should just get out and take the baby with her

 

[brockash]

Yes, this man did want kids but they struggled for a long time to get pregnant(she has something, can't remember the intials and he has low sperm count). They waited for awhile to have kids because of debt, he is very selfish and likes to use his credit card on big boy toys.

They seperated for about a month and actually she got pregnant while they were seperated. He does not know the baby is not his, he thinks it's the great make up sex.

He loves this child but also has been very detached in my opinion. When you refer to your own child as having to babysit something is wrong. I told her this long ago.

I posted on her last week or so. She lost her dad Labor Day weekend and he has not been very supportive. He thinks she needs to get over it and she still cries a lot.

I agree, she needs to leave. I just wanted to hear it from someone else also before I expressed that to her. Just wanted to make sure I didn't have a biased opinion. KWIM?

I hadn't caught that the child is not his until this post. That makes it even easier for her to get out. He'll have no legal right to the child (nor should he) so she won't have to worry about him trying to see the child. She needs to get out with the DD and never look back. She needs to come up with some type of plan, in case he doesn't want the divorce, but she needs to go and asap. Also, I agree that at the very least he probably does have a hunch that the child might not be his, and while it does not at all excuse his behavoir...it makes it a little more understandable as to why he might feel this way towards the child- and really it's not towards the child it's towards the mother, but he's misplacing his anger. They need to get out ASAP.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I hadn't either.

Clearly, this is not an honest relationship based on trust. It should end. Now. Before anyone else is hurt.

 

[minnie56]

What an Idiot he is.
She needs to take that dear baby and GET OUT OF THERE!
Poeple like him make me sick and no way would I be there one more minute were that me! Of course- I'd like to think I would have seen the writing on the wall earlier and not even hooked up with such a creep.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

For the love of God! Dies she even have to ask what to do? Yes he sounds like a jerk but what is wrong with her? I would not leave my child with anyone who has been very clear that they don't want to be bothered. The man isn't even the child's father! As for the diaper changing, I don't that is a sign of abuse. Most kids go through a stage where they don't want anyone but Mom or Dad (whoever they decide ) to change them etc. I however would have grabbed my kids and got the heck out of dodge and not wait around for his "pretty hard" spankings to get worse. Seriously! What is wrong with HER?