Part 1. When FastPass lines are longer than standby
Never knew that it could happen
Til it happened to me
I didnt know it before
But now its easy to see
Its a start of something new
Blech. Out of my head, inferior wakeup call music. OUT!
[slams phone down.]
Well here we are. My first full day of solo-ism. Or solo-ness. Or solo-ment. Or solo-tion. You get the idea. Its a day chocked with nothing but Hucifer, Hucifer, Hucifer! I am one lucky girl.
I have my coffee and eat some oatmeal in the room. After my shower, I had a dilemma. How do I apply sunscreen on my back by myself? Ive got a handful of lotion but no idea on how to get it back there. Besides contortion, I mean. I bend my arm backwards, struggling to get every inch that I can back there. Over the shoulder, around the sides
this is near impossible to do alone, I found out. If I really needed it back there and I couldnt physically do it, who could you possibly ask to apply it for you? How would you ask without looking like a creep?
Uh, excuse me sir
after I lift up my shirt, please rub your hands all over my naked back. It should only take a second, those trash cans can wait. Why yes, they ARE real. And theyre fantastic.
So I guess I found one disadvantage to doing the solo thing.
After my inadequate attempts of applying sunscreen to my solo back, I slip on my shirt and apply my
Hucifer nametag to my solo front. Yes, I still have it. Yes, I still plan on wearing it. Yes, I enjoy playing Imposter Cast Member. It was a role I was sort of born to do. Its also a great way to get attention. Case-in-point
I walked outside into the hot morning and down to the back side of the main entrance. I cut through the lobby and approached the main set of doors to the bus stop. There were two cast members standing at the doors, apparently they were the Official Port Orleans French Quarter Door Openers. The one on the right opens the door for me, says good morning, sees my nametag, then sings: And Hucifer has stormy eyes
Seriously. The very first person to see my nametag serenades me. And now that I have that crappy song in your head, Ill move along.
And no, my name tag doesnt really say
Hucifer. Ill let you figure that one out all on your own.
I walk down to the bus stop and wait for my very first solo bus. (Yeah, yeah, everything is first solo this and first solo that. Im pretty excited about this trip, okay? Dont worry, my firsts are coming to an end soon.) Not much of a wait here, and my MGM bus (yep, still calling it that) arrives shortly after I sit down. The morning is going well enough. Ive got my purse (not fanny pack), Unofficial Guide tour plan (not winging it), mostly empty bus (no big lines yet), and a big smile on my face (no crying in Disney World). Ive got high hopes for today. Well, except for my back. I dont have high expectations that it wont get burned. But other than that, I feel pretty good.
My empty bus drops me off at the entrance and I wait for the park to open. I give the Unofficial Guide another once-over to ensure accuracy and compliancy, and then I safely tuck it away again. The morning is a hot one, and although Ive already hinted at that, its a bit more evident with the foggy camera shots.
My camera was completely fogging up because of going from cold to hot so many times. While waiting for park opening, the American Idol Experience was getting promoting big-time. The loudspeakers kept blasting information about tryouts every few minutes or so. Some AI producers were off to the left of the crowd, encouraging people to sign up. Is it going to be like this every day at park opening? And is it me or is AI getting a little old? Like Disney is waaaaaaaay behind the ball on bringing this attraction to their park. Kind of like Universal opening up Harrys Hangout or Potter Planet or whatever years after the last book was published.
I look ahead of me and I see a woman in a wheelchair who is wearing a Coke bottle cap pin on her shirt, which is almost better than my
Hucifer one. Almost. Then I notice that every person in her group is wearing one, and they all show different sodas. Curiosity got the better of me, so I walked up, complimented her pin selection, and then asked her where she got it. Actually, my brother made them, she said, pointing to a gentleman in her group who was wearing a 7-up pin. Arent they great?
Im surprised Disney doesnt sell them, I said. I would totally buy one.
Then I went back in line.
What seemed like forever goes by, and finally the Were-About-To-Open music pipes in. We all shuffle forward and Dorma Nesmond arrives with her director.
I am soooooo star-struck right about now.
She, in all her drama glory, sweeps her arms up in grand style to officially open the park. And we all go charging in like cattle. Moooooo.
So my Unofficial Guide says to go directly to Toy Story Mania. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Unfortunately, 75% of everybody else (which was a lot of freaking people, by the way) have the same freaking idea. So about 30,000 mad and overheated guests shuffle, run, skip, dash, hop, and roll over to Toy Story Mania.
Park Opening Madness, Exhibit A. Stuck in the middle of the madness.
Park Opening Madness, Exhibit B. Those behind me hide themselves from being associated with said madness.
Park opening Madness, Exhibit C. Everyone and their brother will all be first guest to ride TSM.
Now, I was somewhat near the front of Park Opening Madness. And Im a very fast walker. And Im alone (read: no one else to hold me back). Yet I was still way behind the masses somehow, and by the time I reached TSM, the standby line was already out the door (I kid you not), and the lines for FastPass were starting to double up. It was MADNESS.
Confusion, mayhem, madness...welcome to park opening!
At ease, soldier. You got a FastPass on you? Does that hand grenade work on thinning out crowds?
I got in line for one of the FastPass machines. Because thats what the Unofficial Guide told me to do. And, being the obedient slave that I am, I obey. Except the line is moving like molasses. Its funny
all these people sprinted like cheetahs to a gazelle in order to get to this attraction, but as soon as you stick a FastPass machine in front of them, suddenly they are as bright as a 10-watt bulb. They become confused, holding park passes and staring at the machines as if they are supposed to just spit out passes by telepathy. So while Im impatiently hopping from one foot to the other while Brains of the Century figures out how to work the machine, Im seeing both FastPass lines next to me zoom by like an emergency vehicle zooming by stopped traffic. Or something like that. You get the idea. Anyway, after about six or seven minutes of waiting, I decide to abandon this line and jump into the one next to me.
At first it seemed like an award-winning idea. I snicker at the person who used to be behind me in line at the other machine as I inch forward. And then
well, Murphy is still hanging around. My new line comes to a stop. A woman at the machine in my line is frantically trying to put her passes into it, but it keeps rejecting them. Eventually a cast member stops by. You know theres a problem when one of them gets involved. Sure enough, several minutes later, hes opening up the machine and scratching his head. Then hes waving us folks in line to other lines. You have got to be KIDDING ME.
And then I watch as the person who used to stand behind me in the old line walk away, grinning at me while waving his FastPasses in the air. ARRRRRRGGHHHHH! Serenity now!
So I get in a third line, swear silently to myself (theres no swearing in Disney World), and wait ever-so-impatiently for the opportunity to obtain a FastPass. By the time I actually had one in my hand, it is twenty freaking minutes after park opening. Yes. Twenty.
But, strangely enough, Im feeling adventurous. I throw caution to the wind (not my FastPass I wasnt feeling THAT lucky) and jump into the TSM standby line. Sure, it goes against the touring plan. Sure, the world will probably implode from this random act of spontaneity inside a Disney park. But I am up for living dangerously, my friend. By now the TSM standby line is thirty minutes, but I didnt care. I laugh at the wait time. Ha ha ha! I have all day for line waiting, may as well start now. And my devil-may-care attitude pays off. I become The Chosen One. I am asked to hold the red card thingee. The cast member hands it to me and says, With this card there is great responsibility. But I tell him I accept, and proudly carry it into the building.
The thirty-minute wait notice is fairly accurate. But since Im a TSM virgin and all, I want to check out the queue anyway. It is way too detailed to skip through it the first time, I decide. Not only that, this will probably be the only time of the day that I can wait thirty minutes or less for the standby line. The best part of the queue is Mr. Potato Head. The idiot in me thought that it was voiced by a live Don Rickles. He asks, Say kids, what is your favorite toy? And then I hear some kids say, Buzz! Woody! When he says, Lets try this again
what is your favorite toy? Again, the answer is the same, Buzz! Woody! I actually thought that children in line were saying that. Maybe I still think that. I dont know, but it was funny. That was also the shortest part of the line, needless to say.
Then theres a part in the line where a singles line forms and splits off from the masses. Did I mention it was near the end? What was the point of that? Anyway, I was able to leap ahead of about four people in line, so it was a real win for me, I guess.
I climb aboard my vehicle and get ready for some target shooting. This ride is so much fun. I think I was laughing the entire time. I dont remember my score, but I do remember it was fairly high, considering it was my first time. What I dont like about the attraction is the awkwardness of the shooters. You know what I mean. That last screen, the one where you try to hit the target as many times as possible, well its
awkward. You keep pulling your hand back and forth really fast and it looks like
um
yeah.
Fruit bats come to mind.
Moving along.
Okay, this is where it gets to pot with the Unofficial Guide. That didnt take long. Although I already broke a rule by doing TSM this morning, and I was exactly one step deep into the instructions, I decide to (gasp!) just wing the rest of the day. Looking down the plan, I see few things that I actually want to do today: I already did the Lame Movie Ride a few days ago, so I felt no compulsion to ride it again. I did not enjoy the Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast show enough to see it again, the Backlot Tour is so abbreviated now that it hardly is worth the trip to the other side of the park these days, Im not really in a Lights! Motors! Action! kind! of! mood!, and Ive seen that darn Indiana Jones (with and without a dying husband) show more times than I care to admit. Whats left? Some new attractions, some thrill attractions. Other than that, this is going to be a sit-back-and-enjoy-whats-going-on-around-me kind of day. And I feel really good about that decision. Dammit.
Coming up: Part 2. Conversations with myself