Hubby vent-update page 13, post #189

[lisaviolet]

Is there a loved one or friend who is retired that might enjoy driving them. I know not all retired people want commitments. I know but some are different. But my father LOVES driving (not to Minnesota - well I take that back he adores road trips ) and drives people with Access to Care to their dialysis, doctor's etc. He loves it. Is there no one in your life that might enjoy the outings for a few months? It's not forever - they are off to college soon

 

[tlbwriter]

I tell you what, the more I read the DIS the more I am so very grateful for how long I waited to marry and for finding the guy I did marry.

Threads like this certainly make me grateful for finding the right guy. My husband would never put us through all of this nonsense!

 

[scrapquitler]

I just had a thought: Does your state have graduated drivers licenses for 16 and 17 year olds?

If this situation were happening in our home, a 16 year old could not even drive his/her TWIN to that gold practice....so having a car for the kids to drive would only help if the 18 year old sibling were home from college and able to drive the twins to golf practice.

Carpooling for teens here...not happening unless there is a parent or an 18 year old driving.

How about buying a couple of scooters?

 

[klacey1]

I wonder how many people had to Google that term? Especially since I spelled it wrong and, in hindsight, probably isn't the right word. I probably should have kept it simple and said he's starting to look wimpish, weak, timid, ineffective, etc.

You are correct. That is not the correct definition of a cuckold-- the right meaning is a man whose woman has been unfaithful. I did not have to Google it, for reference.
OP, I think it's pretty clear a new car would help your family out tremendously. Either an old car that the twins could share, or a new car that would go to your husband (giving your kids the 1998 car). I think it's great your twins already chip in gas when possible--and I completely agree with your stance that going to school/doing activities is a teenager's job. Especially now, when getting into a great school is harder and harder, it's important for them to have top grades and a variety of activities. If you get the twins a cheap car, hopefully they could cover all gas expenses.

 

[FredinFL]

We had mopeds when I was a kid...not it "me" having one, but the resident "rich kids". They used to let us scoot around on them now and then, fun!

 

[Dictator]

There have been a few suggestions as to how to rectify the problem. The only one not dismissed by the OP is her solution.

 

[FredinFL]

There have been a few suggestions as to how to rectify the problem. The only one not dismissed by the OP is her solution.

Surprise! It's how we roll around here.

 

[Mkrop]

I got through to page 3 and realized that I am possibly the only poster who would not make her husband give up his car. He has worked hard, provided for the household (you have to and if he doesn't want to help the girls get a car, you can).

I think that the girls need to be responsible for their own car if they want one. My parents could have easily purchased me a car, but I learned responsibility etc with purchasing my own. Also, I think at that point you DH would agree to put them on the family insurance.

I do admit, I would not like that type of attitude from my husband, but I think I could understand at this point in our lives him not wanting to be the person on the bus, the girls should be.

Okay, I guess I need to go into hiding now.

No matter what does happen, I hope it works out positively for everyone in the family.

And OP hasnt provided for the family???? Maybe not in a monetary sense for years but she has provided. If there was a bus to the golf course, or there were carpools to be had, I would say dad needs his car. Since there isnt, he can suck it up for day or so, esp if the bus goes right by his work

But it's not just that he doesn't want to give up his car. He also doesn't to provide a car for the kids. And his solution for the problem is to have his wife walk four miles to work and four miles back. He doesn't sound like a "provider" to me. A man who truly wants to provide for his family wouldn't insist that his wife walk four miles to work when it's within his power to spare her. A real provider, will make compromises to take care of his family's needs, instead of saying "No, I don't WANT to" like a toddler. To me, a real provider does more than just provide a paycheck. He provides care, and protection, and a good example.

I do not believe the bus goes to the golf course.

And it doesnt sound like the OP does not want to be inconvienced, it sounds like she does not want to something illogical as driving further and wasting gas and both of their time.

 

[Carly_Roach]

And OP hasnt provided for the family???? Maybe not in a monetary sense for years but she has provided. If there was a bus to the golf course, or there were carpools to be had, I would say dad needs his car. Since there isnt, he can suck it up for day or so, esp if the bus goes right by his work





And it doesnt sound like the OP does not want to be inconvienced, it sounds like she does not want to something illogical as driving further and wasting gas and both of their time.

If it's only a day or so then she can suck it up. If we're talking wasting gas, how much gas and money is wasted on multiple tee times and heavy clubs in the trunk of a car? As far as time is concerned, whomever earns more per hour is the time that shouldn't be wasted.

 

[Bob NC]

I see no reason for the breadwinner in the family to take a bus to work for any reason, other than him wanting to.

I doubt most of the posters on this 10 page thread would voluntarily take a bus to and from work either. (I know that most of you will now post that you'd be more than happy to.)

I haven't worked hard at my career to now give up all my freedom by living on a bus schedule.

Geez, he can't stop by a Starbucks on the way to work for a coffee, ( I KNOW you will now post that he hates Starbucks and would NEVER even think of stopping anywhere on the way to work.)

He can't leave work and stop off with the guys, (I know, he's never done that either), or go by the driving range at lunch, (You don't have to say it, I know, I know), or even drive the long way home just because he wants to unwind a little.

It's very interesting to see all the posters agree with the OP when all you hear is one side of a story. And every time a little chink is put in the armor, the OP comes back to tell you, again, why she, and only she, is right.

If I was told by my wife that the only solution to our problem is for me to ride a city bus to work, I'd probably respond with, "It's not the only solution, you could walk to YOUR job." I am sure that was a totally flippant remark, used by him in a joking manner, but all of a sudden you may as well print it in the Magna Carta, cuz by God he meant every word of it....lol.

Sure, there has to be another solution to your families transportation problem right now, but, don't get all puffed up before the hubby gets home just based on all the adoring posts that agree with your one sided post.

 

[mjkacmom]

What I can't get past is that if it's "only" once or twice a week that he has to give something up, how come it's not "only" once or twice a week that she gives something up?

Oh wait....I think I found the answer. The wife REFUSES to drive her DH on those one or two paltry days a week because it's a long drive and it would inconvenience her.

Why should she have a much bigger inconvenience than her DH? Really, taking the bus to work 2 days a week, when work is by the bus station? And it takes the same amount of time? My DH drove 20 minutes to the park and ride, sat on a bus for 40 minutes, and then had a 15 minute walk or subway ride, every work day, for 18 years! So did my dad (for a lot longer).

And the OP is willing to get the kids a car to share. She's coming up with options - her DH will make no sacrifices. ETA - if he takes the bus, they save money on gas. If she has to drive him, it costs more money.

 

[sbell111]

What has two thumbs and sure as heck isn't going to take the bus to work? Me!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Why should she have a much bigger inconvenience than her DH? Really, taking the bus to work 2 days a week, when work is by the bus station? And it takes the same amount of time? My DH drove 20 minutes to the park and ride, sat on a bus for 40 minutes, and then had a 15 minute walk or subway ride, every work day, for 18 years! So did my dad (for a lot longer).

And the OP is willing to get the kids a car to share. She's coming up with options - her DH will make no sacrifices. ETA - if he takes the bus, they save money on gas. If she has to drive him, it costs more money.

Wrong. The post at the bottom of the last page listed all the sacrifices her DH would be making. Yes, the OP is offering lots of options - none of which will inconvenience her at all - and acting like her DH is a monster because he's not going along with her idea that he needs to take the bus so the kids can have the car.

Furthermore, if DH and I got into an argument and after he got home from work the day after the argument I presented him with a handful of paper showing where I'd spent the entire day discussing our argument with a few hundred strangers and they all think he's wrong and I'm right, well....let's just say there'd be a heck of a lot more to argue about. And he'd be right. I feel stupid and childish just typing that "plan of action" out.

 

[gina2000]

I see no reason for the breadwinner in the family to take a bus to work for any reason, other than him wanting to.

I doubt most of the posters on this 10 page thread would voluntarily take a bus to and from work either. (I know that most of you will now post that you'd be more than happy to.)

LOL! I had to be the first to respond to this. I commuted by train for 17 years into NYC....walked to the train station each morning.

Personally I don't see the big deal with commuting. If you're in a major metropolitan area, public transportation runs often enough that it's no big deal. I can't respond to what it's like in MN, I can only respond based on where I am. And if you can commute by public transportation, you do.

It's only for a few months. I guess I don't get the big deal.

 

[tlbwriter]

I doubt most of the posters on this 10 page thread would voluntarily take a bus to and from work either. (I know that most of you will now post that you'd be more than happy to.)

It's not an option for me. I would do it if I had to, but I wouldn't enjoy it. However...

If I was told by my wife that the only solution to our problem is for me to ride a city bus to work, I'd probably respond with, "It's not the only solution, you could walk to YOUR job."

But the OP didn't tell him this was the only solution. The possible solutions given by the OP are:

a. Dad rides the bus a couple of days a week.
b. Mom and kids do the inconvenient car-switching thing a couple of days a week.
c. The family buys a third car.
d. Mom walks to work occasionally and the kids keep her car.

A was never presented as the only option. Dad has vetoed A and C. D may have been hyperbole. I don't have an issue with dad not wanting to ride the bus. I have an issue with dad insisting that HE is the only one who should never be inconvenienced, who should never have to compromise. Why? I like having my car at work, but once in a while I have to give that up for the good of my family. Why is dad too good for that?

 

[tlbwriter]

Wrong. The post at the bottom of the last page listed all the sacrifices her DH would be making.

Well, she already said he doesn't do any of those things (this is the point where you tell me she didn't really mean that, it was just hyperbole). But even if those were all sacrifices for him, he'd be making them about two days a week. Surely he can live without Starbucks two days a week?

 

[Bob NC]

LOL! I had to be the first to respond to this. I commuted by train for 17 years into NYC....walked to the train station each morning.

Gosh, I knew this was coming too, I meant to mention this post was coming but I forgot.

In NYC, taking the bus, (mass transit), is the norm. In Minnesota I would guess a miniscule percentage of people use mass transit.

I think in some jungle areas halfway across the world people walk on hot coals. I bet if we asked the OP's hubby, he'd say he doesn't want to walk to work on hot coals either.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Well, she already said he doesn't do any of those things (this is the point where you tell me she didn't really mean that, it was just hyperbole). But even if those were all sacrifices for him, he'd be making them about two days a week. Surely he can live without Starbucks two days a week?

Of course she said he doesn't do any of those things. It's easier to garner support and get your 10 pages of "See? All my friends think you're wrong" evidence to show your husband when he comes home from work.


(sheesh that still sounds so ugly and shrewish when I type it out. I hope she was kidding when she said she was going to do that.)

 

[gina2000]

And that is why I qualified my statement with, "I can't respond to what it's like in MN, I can only respond based on where I am."

I guess you were too busy formulating your witty response to bother to read the next paragraph.

 

[ols386]

I still don't see what the problem is with the husband taking the bus a couple of days a week, especially when op said he doesn't go out for lunch and the destination bus stop is next to where he works.

Many many people in large cities use the bus and train systems to get back and forth to work. And while it may not be the husband's first choice, sometimes we all need to be flexible.

From what I can tell from the op, it just sounds like he doesn't want to be cooperative with the rest of the family.