HP Fanfiction please leave and comment!

[disneyworldluvr349]

I have been writing a story about a young teenager who discovers that she is a witch and that she has been lied to her whole life. I have only gotten on Chapter don but feed back would be awesome!!! Here is the URL:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1320734/

 

[::Snow_White::]

It's good.
I think it kinda jumped right into it a little.
And that's not exactly how I would think anyone would react to find out that he/she is a witch and found out their father is alive.
I would expect them to be...umm more in shock and angry.
But I'm no expert.
I like it. :] It seems pretty good. If you finish anymore I would love you to please tell me. I'd like to hear the rest of it.
I have written 11 pages starting at GOF involving me and my friend. I got bored with it so I made one just about myself and I'm at 30 pages. I really like writing it in my free time. It's fun and it's...I just like writing it. :]

 

[eeyore578]

nice

 

[minnie_2006]

it's good but it's kinda a bit rushed. It's kinda like 'Oh yeah by the way Melanie you're a witch'. Your mum wouldn't suddenly tell you you're witch almost mid conversation? I know it sounds weird but imagine you've suddenly been told you're a witch, you would be seriously freaked out, 'cause witches are fantasy. And I'm sure your mum wouldn't tell you like that, she would sit you down and explain things and how it all happened. And is it a script or a novel? Because there's quite a lot of dialogue..well it is just dialogue. And I don't know, maybe that's how you want it to be but you need to paint a picture. You need a really strong description of the setting and characters.
Anyway I'm no expert and writers always have to draft and re-draft! So keep up the good work! Don't give up! And keep posting the story on the board so we can see how the story's going!

 

[Babyjustrun]

I didn't read much past the first few lines.
I am not into fanfiction that makes up new characters.
And some of your sentences were chunky... and not very well put together.

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

Thanks for the tips! It is just a draft for now. It is supposed to be a story. Harry Potter has a lot of dialog in it as well. The reason it was all so rushed was because Melanie wasn't supposed to find out that she was a witch. The only reason she found out about being a witch was because they were forced to leave there house. I agree I need a bit more back ground
Thank you very much for your tips and I will go back and fix my draft!

 

[HPGIRL]

I am also writing a story but it's really long so I don't think that you would like to see it.I also thought that it was very rushed good but you need more details.Otherwise good.

 

[tigger/winnie/tink]

i didn't read the whole thing but she wouldn't start in her sevebh year wihou any trianing she can't start at seventeen simply because you take your newts cin the seventh year and those depended on the lessons you take after your owls and your owls are made on what classes you take

 

[tigger/winnie/tink]

heres an idea of a good description storry heres an idea
not the same story and this person is inn a wizerding family and knows

it was a bright sunny summer day and woodlet dr Anna was sitting in her bedroom reading her knew books lokking ou the window waching Mr. Felen wash his old ford mustang and saw the tweeble triplets and the paterson girls playing hopscotch and blowing bubbles it was a pefectly normal day to everyone around life seemed perfectly normal on woodletdr in a small town outside london but for the winding family normal had a differnt meaning herher family was a family that was not like others her family was a family not like otheryou see annas family had magical powers

that pinted a picture in my head

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

I like that idea! Thank you very much!


The reason Melanie can be a seventh at Hogwarts without prior training is because her father's attack is trying to be silenced. Melanie's mother made a deal with Fudge that her daughter can enroll and that she won't say anything about how the attack happened or why it happened.

I have added more! I still haven't edited the first part though.

 

[::Snow_White::]

Is it the same link?
I would love to read the other things you added. :]

 

[XxCuriosityxX<3]

Its good but its a little rushed

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

This is the link.....

http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=3661627&chapter=1

I will keep you guys posted when I write more!

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

 

[::Snow_White::]

It says you have to login to access the page.

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

Sorry about that hang on I will get it for ya

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

Ok here it is sorry about that

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3661627/1/Melanie_A_Whole_New_World

 

[::Snow_White::]

Ahh that's better :]
*off to read it*

 

[disneyworldluvr349]

I am changing the location of the story and I have been editing my story. I will give you all the link when the first chapter is completed.