How would you respond? Issue with instructor (long)

[padams]

I think you need a new drum teacher.

When I was a kid, I took flute lessons at the local music store. My mom took me there because it was convenient. I always thought the lesson room smelled weird but I didn't know what the smell was. My instructor was > He often ate spaghettios during my lessons, which sometimes fell into his long beard. I was grossed out as a kid, but I thought "ok, whatever". On the top of the piano in the room, there were several bottle/vase type things. Didn't think much about what they were, but I remember them.

I didn't realize until my horizons were broadened in college that my music instructor was spending my lesson stoned on marijuana with his water pipes and curing his munchies with spaghettios. What were my parents thinking sending me to this guy? My mom hung out at the music store usually during my lessons or wandered around the strip mall. Apparently, she didn't get what was going on.

In hindsight, I understand why the school band director was always encouraging me to go to a different flute teacher. My mom didn't want to drive 30 minutes away so I stayed with the druggie hippie.

Parents, pay attention. Know the adults who are with your children.

 

[Tink888]

Ehhh, yeah that's a little weird. I'd bring it up with the teacher and owner and also starting looking for another drum instructor.

How old is the instructor? If he was a pretty young kid I'd probably think that maybe he's just really immature and doesn't know that that's inappropriate.....possibly just a harmless idiot. If they're older, I don't know......that just brings the creepiness factor way up for me and I'd be out of there.

 

[karibritt01]

I would trust what my daughter said in the context that was given by the OP though, and not the (for parent's eyes) set of pics that the instructor had set aside.

I don't think anyone suggested that there were 2 sets of pics, only that the poop picture might have been misinterpretted, and really been something innocent. My cousin has a pic on her FB of herself and her mom sitting by a bronze seal sculpture... I always think it looks like a giant pile of poop.

But OP, definitely question the instructor and ask to see the photos. And if you continue on with this instructor, I would be sticking my head around that corner and checking in OFTEN!

 

[smkiya]

I don't think anyone suggested that there were 2 sets of pics, only that the poop picture might have been misinterpretted, and really been something innocent. My cousin has a pic on her FB of herself and her mom sitting by a bronze seal sculpture... I always think it looks like a giant pile of poop.

But OP, definitely question the instructor and ask to see the photos. And if you continue on with this instructor, I would be sticking my head around that corner and checking in OFTEN!

I know it wasn't suggested. What I am suggesting is that if the instructor had shown inappropriate pics, he's not going to show those to the parent if asked. He would either say he didn't have them, or show other harmless pictures.

What happens when children say things, that make red flags go up. People try to dismiss it like, "Oh, I'm sure she/he misinterpreted." "Oh, it's probably nothing." Then they speak to the (in this case) instructor, who confirms how silly it sounds. "Oh, I just had some pics out and little Johnny picked them up, no big deal."

Well, the conversation the OP had with her son should be enough. I would at the very least tell the owner of the studio and find another drum instructor.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

(snip)
How old is the instructor? If he was a pretty young kid I'd probably think that maybe he's just really immature and doesn't know that that's inappropriate.....possibly just a harmless idiot.

He's young. I'd guess a senior in high school or early college. This is where I am torn- Is he a 'harmless idiot' vs. a 'junior creep'?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I know it wasn't suggested. What I am suggesting is that if the instructor had shown inappropriate pics, he's not going to show those to the parent if asked. He would either say he didn't have them, or show other harmless pictures.

What happens when children say things, that make red flags go up. People try to dismiss it like, "Oh, I'm sure she/he misinterpreted." "Oh, it's probably nothing." Then they speak to the (in this case) instructor, who confirms how silly it sounds. "Oh, I just had some pics out and little Johnny picked them up, no big deal."

Well, the conversation the OP had with her son should be enough. I would at the very least tell the owner of the studio and find another drum instructor.

I don't know. There are a lot of ways it could go. The instructor might not think any of it's inappropriate. He might think it's a little inappropriate but not lie about it. He might think it's a little inappropriate but be caught off guard and show the pictures and/or show only some (then the OP could ask about the rest assuming they are all still together and mention the ones her DS referred to). The OP could gain some insight in how the instructor responds to her open ended questions. There are many ways it could go.

I think there is value in asking the instructor. It is in the realm of possibility that the pictures were not what her DS thought and it could clear up a misunderstanding. It could help a young man that doesn't know boundaries, not saying that is the case for sure, but better to know and address it or try to. It could make someone stop pushing boundaries when they see there is follow up with parents and consequences (even if it is just switching instructors) which would help another child in the long run.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Better safe than sorry. Something seems off, I'd request a new instructor and never leave your ds alone with that teacher again.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Better safe than sorry. Something seems off, I'd request a new instructor and never leave your ds alone with that teacher again.

I would do that too.

 

[RachelEllen]

I don't think anyone suggested that there were 2 sets of pics, only that the poop picture might have been misinterpretted, and really been something innocent. My cousin has a pic on her FB of herself and her mom sitting by a bronze seal sculpture... I always think it looks like a giant pile of poop.

Umm, not to hijack, but two quick things

1) She should take that off her facebook.

2) It's not poop that it looks like.

 

[smkiya]

I don't know. There are a lot of ways it could go. The instructor might not think any of it's inappropriate. He might think it's a little inappropriate but not lie about it. He might think it's a little inappropriate but be caught off guard and show the pictures and/or show only some (then the OP could ask about the rest assuming they are all still together and mention the ones her DS referred to). The OP could gain some insight in how the instructor responds to her open ended questions. There are many ways it could go.

I think there is value in asking the instructor. It is in the realm of possibility that the pictures were not what her DS thought and it could clear up a misunderstanding. It could help a young man that doesn't know boundaries, not saying that is the case for sure, but better to know and address it or try to. It could make someone stop pushing boundaries when they see there is follow up with parents and consequences (even if it is just switching instructors) which would help another child in the long run.

Which is why the owner should definitely be involved. It is his business, and however innocent the pictures are, he would have at least lost me as a customer and all of my potential referrals because the whole incident just smells...

 

[OceanAnnie]

Which is why the owner should definitely be involved. It is his business, and however innocent the pictures are, he would have at least lost me as a customer and all of my potential referrals because the whole incident just smells...

Yes. I would have the owner present too. I wouldn't mention it until you are in person with both of them. It might be nothing, but it does smell like something.

 

[aprilgail2]

RED FLAG
Bring it up to the owner and the authorities! If he's innocent then there's nothing he has to worry about. If you just switch instructors, who will he harm next?

Call the authorities over a picture of poop in a toilet?? Wow---thats a bit extreem!!

 

[nskjerven]

He's young. I'd guess a senior in high school or early college. This is where I am torn- Is he a 'harmless idiot' vs. a 'junior creep'?

why would you risk it on your child? it's just not worth the cost if he is a "junior creep"

 

[lovesmurfs]

Umm, not to hijack, but two quick things

1) She should take that off her facebook.

2) It's not poop that it looks like.

 

[Tink888]

He's young. I'd guess a senior in high school or early college. This is where I am torn- Is he a 'harmless idiot' vs. a 'junior creep'?

In that case I'd ask what kind of vibe you get from him? Have you talked to him before.....what does your son think about him? If you've gotten a creepy vibe from him before this, I'd talk to the owner and switch instructors.

If you've always gotten a normal vibe up to this point, I'd chalk it up to immaturity. Boys generally are immature KWIM? It's amazing some of the things that they find humor in and a lot of times young people don't make the connection that what they find amusing is just not appropriate for younger kids, especially a six year old.

I think I'd speak with the instructor directly before the next class. Let him know about the pictures, that you didn't find it appropriate for him to be showing (really any) pictures to your son and to focus on the music lessons. That will let him know that you and your child talk and you know what goes on during class. It will also allow you to gauge his reaction and make a decision whether or not to take further with the owner or switching instructors.

 

[IDoDis]

Could be one of two things, but definitely worth checking into. My first thought is that the guy is setting up a relationship with the kid. Often adult predators act like kids themselves to get the trust of the child. Hence, the poop in the toilet picture. Something young kids would think was funny, but certainly what normal adult would take a picture of poop in a toilet and show it to a child? He's trying to gain the trust of your son.

My other thought is that since the instructor showed him a photo of a cat, could it be possible that the cat was trained to poop in the toilet instead of in a litter box? There are people who have trained their cats to do this. That's the only possible reason for showing your DS a picture of poop in the toilet. It would be interesting if it was the cat's poop.

My gut tells me it's not cat poop though and that this guy is working towards something bigger.

 

[smkiya]

Call the authorities over a picture of poop in a toilet?? Wow---thats a bit extreem!!

That's exactly why these child predators are able to have so many victims.
Was that picture of an eye really an eye? Maybe, maybe not.... What was the picture he couldn't show? Will he show it next week? Did he show it to the kid he instructed after the OP's son?

The authorities can't really do anything without proof anyway, but it will put them on notice. Maybe this isn't the first complaint. They may also pull up a record. Since the guy is young, a predator history may not show on a background check if he was a minor when it happened, but the authorities may have it. They may decide to do an investigation to see if there is anything to it. Maybe there isn't, but maybe there is.... I don't think very many people who have read the OP's description truly believe there is anything innocent in what went down that day.

Nobody wants to be the one to report suspicious activity. Suspicious activity should be reported.

So to answer your question. I would talk to the instructor with the owner and I would report it to the authorities. They can do what they choose with the info, but at least I know I did my part.

 

[karibritt01]

Umm, not to hijack, but two quick things

1) She should take that off her facebook.

2) It's not poop that it looks like.

You kinda proved my point. If we as adults can see things into an innocent picture, a 5 yr old certainly can.

Now I am in no way saying this guy is innocent, or that it didn't happen just the way the kid says it did. All I am saying is that further investigation is warranted. And I would definitely do it with the instructor and the owner present. And if they determine that is truly was something innocent, or just immaturity and bad judgement, and decide to continue on with this instructor, I would be more observant while he is in the lessons. I just hate to think this guy could get a record if it was something innocent like he had pictures in his bag that fell out when he took out the music books for his first lesson of the day, KWIM?

But if OP has a bad feeling after meeting with the instructor and owner, then pursue it to the fullest extent of the law.

 

[Tink888]

I also want to add that I'm not quick to judge, but this was totally inappropriate and should be dealt with quickly and tactfully. I would tell the other parents what your child described. I'm sure your child isn't the only one he's showed those pics to. Maybe he may have crossed the line with another child. IMO if I were a parent of a child there, I would want to know. I said report it to the authorities too, it doesn't hurt to make a phone call. Don't let this go. Please.

That's exactly why these child predators are able to have so many victims.
Was that picture of an eye really an eye? Maybe, maybe not.... What was the picture he couldn't show? Will he show it next week? Did he show it to the kid he instructed after the OP's son?

The authorities can't really do anything without proof anyway, but it will put them on notice. Maybe this isn't the first complaint. They may also pull up a record. Since the guy is young, a predator history may not show on a background check if he was a minor when it happened, but the authorities may have it. They may decide to do an investigation to see if there is anything to it. Maybe there isn't, but maybe there is.... I don't think very many people who have read the OP's description truly believe there is anything innocent in what went down that day.

Nobody wants to be the one to report suspicious activity. Suspicious activity should be reported.

So to answer your question. I would talk to the instructor with the owner and I would report it to the authorities. They can do what they choose with the info, but at least I know I did my part.

Respectfully, for someone who isn't quick to judge, it seems like you are making an awful lot of assumptions and judgments here. Does the incident warrant a talk with the instructor? Absolutely. The owner? Yeah, probably. But to call the authorities to investigate and tell every parent with a set of ears who will listen? At this point? It almost seems as if you've branded the instructor as a sex offender and we only have one side of the story. IMHO that's a little paranoid and extreme. The OP can still protect her child and investigate the matter before it reaches that point.

From the OP's posts, we have a high school/college age young man who, at a music lesson, showed a picture of an eye, a cat, and poo in a toilet (granted the last pic was weird). He had a picture that wasn't appropriate (not that the poo pic was) and didn't show it to her son. That pic could have been anything from nudity, to people drinking, to profanity. We don't know.

The OP didn't say if her son said the instructor did anything else out of the ordinary. Didn't say if he told the boy not to tell (which would be a sign of something sinister), didn't say the boy was touched by the instructor (which would be something sinister). Just showed him a few pictures. Teachers at school show students pictures. Not pics of poo, but pictures. A picture of poo is strange but not uncommon for adolescent humor. Search "poo" on Youtube and see how many hundreds of videos you come up with. There is a popular series of children's books, Captain Underpants, marketed specifically to elementary readers, the stories of which revolve around poo and other bodily functions, noises, etc.. Popular because kids at that age think it's funny.

I think everyone can agree that at this point it's a little strange and needs looked into but IMHO not by the authorities......not at this point.

You kinda proved my point. If we as adults can see things into an innocent picture, a 5 yr old certainly can.

Now I am in no way saying this guy is innocent, or that it didn't happen just the way the kid says it did. All I am saying is that further investigation is warranted. And I would definitely do it with the instructor and the owner present. And if they determine that is truly was something innocent, or just immaturity and bad judgement, and decide to continue on with this instructor, I would be more observant while he is in the lessons. I just hate to think this guy could get a record if it was something innocent like he had pictures in his bag that fell out when he took out the music books for his first lesson of the day, KWIM?

But if OP has a bad feeling after meeting with the instructor and owner, then pursue it to the fullest extent of the law.

 

[hegsag]

DS said "No, one was a picture he took of his eye, one was of his cat, one was a poop in a toilet, and there was another that he said he couldn't show me".

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that he said he had one he couldn't show.....