How would you positively deal with a negative family member?

[Kristi391]

My adult siblings (and 5 year old nephew) and I are headed down to the world in 40 days. I have been several times in the past few years and have a good amount of experience with magic bands and FP+. My oldest brother is not a fan of Disney (or waiting or crowds or heat) and was making fun of me on my last trip for planning fast passes. He said he was not going to plan out every second of his vacation. I just told him that doing a little bit of planning ahead of time would mean less waiting in line in the park. He said that may or may not be the case. I asked him what he meant and he said he just won't wait in lines. I said that is fine, but his five year old is going to miss out on things that he would like. He responded with "He's five, he'll be happy hanging out at the pool."

So, knowing that DB doesn't enjoy anything Disney related, I don't talk to him about it, but he will throw in little jabs about Disney (and my enjoyment of it) every chance he gets, which is really frustrating (and hurtful) to me. I forsee this happening a lot when we are down there. My youngest brother says I am being too sensitive (which, he is right) and that oldest brother just looks like a jerk when he makes those comments (again, he is right), but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it when he says stuff.

Youngest brother and I are staying at a different resort so we won't be together 24/7 and I have no problem going off on my own, but that means I will miss out on my nephew experiencing things, which is the main reason I am going.

I just want to go in to this experience not feeling defensive or miserable and above all else, I want to see my nephew have a wonderful time.

Thoughts?

 

[Alesia]

You're not going to change him. You'll need to grow a thicker skin and/or stop going to WDW with him.

 

[Mousemommy1]

Yup, ignore him or don't go with him. Those are pretty much the only options.

 

[branv]

I have an older sister like this. She just likes to make her little passive aggressive jokes, which are always snarky and condescending, and if you get your feelings hurt or mad, well that's just more proof that you're the silly/dramatic one who deserves to be "teased". For some reason I have had a hard time asserting myself with her more than anyone.

Then I had a breakthrough. She was visiting after my son was born. He was a few months old, and I was exhausted. I was talking to my sister and mom about some random anxiety I had about parenting, and she made one of her dismissive, snippy "jokes". And the parting shot was, laughter with, " You're such a freak! " I just stared at her. Started to talk, then just stopped and stared at her some more. Then I deliberately turned to my mom and started talking directly to her about something else entirely.

It rattled my sister. She came up to me later and explained she didn't mean any harm. I told her that as a new parent, I doubted myself *all the time* and regularly felt like I was messing everything up. That I needed support, not to be made fun of. Seriously, she's been a different person ever since. The dynamic totally changed. Well, mostly Some habits die hard.

I say, next time he makes a joke, you have two options. Very obviously ignore him or face him and say, "I don't know why you do that, but it hurts my feelings. Don't do it again." And whenever he does, walk away.

I hope it gets better.

 

[kboo]

That's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. There is lots of good advice above.

So if your MBs are linked, you could just get FPs for everyone without needing to tell him, right? If he doesn't care about FP then he won't care and won't use them. But your 5yo nephew will, and you can take nephew on the rides! And when ODB wants to go, you could say, "Oh, I thought you didn't care! Sorry!" or you could take the high road and be like, "I got you a FP too. You're welcome."

But seriously, hopefully you and your various siblings and family members have some time away from each other so you are not always on the same schedule. And then on one of your days you can offer to take your nephew on some rides (that you've gotten FP for) and you will still get to experience your nephew's enjoyment too.

 

[Kristi391]

Thanks for all the responses everyone! I do need to stop being so sensitive when he's being a jerk, it's just really hard for me and it seems (at least from my perspective) that he only targets me. I do think that this will be the only time I ever vacation with him. Unless the trip turns out to be fabulous-I am trying to keep an open mind!

I have an older sister like this. She just likes to make her little passive aggressive jokes, which are always snarky and condescending, and if you get your feelings hurt or mad, well that's just more proof that you're the silly/dramatic one who deserves to be "teased". For some reason I have had a hard time asserting myself with her more than anyone.

Yes! This is exactly how I feel! I always feel so alone with this issue so thank you for telling me your situation. I am going to try your advice. So, thank you!

That's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. There is lots of good advice above.

So if your MBs are linked, you could just get FPs for everyone without needing to tell him, right? If he doesn't care about FP then he won't care and won't use them. But your 5yo nephew will, and you can take nephew on the rides! And when ODB wants to go, you could say, "Oh, I thought you didn't care! Sorry!" or you could take the high road and be like, "I got you a FP too. You're welcome."

But seriously, hopefully you and your various siblings and family members have some time away from each other so you are not always on the same schedule. And then on one of your days you can offer to take your nephew on some rides (that you've gotten FP for) and you will still get to experience your nephew's enjoyment too.

Our bands are not linked, so I can't make any FP selections for them. That was my plan, just to have some (for everyone), but they are not buying their tickets until closer to when we leave or when we get there. What I did do though, was for our MNSSHP night is make FP selections for Peter Pan and Mine Train for myself and younger brother and the plan is to give my band to younger brother and have him take nephew on with him. My SIL thinks that during the party we will be able to walk on to everything, but I am not so sure, so I wanted nephew to be able to have an opportunity to ride Mine Train, as he is very excited about it.

I think on our Epcot day (ODB & SIL & DN are only doing Epcot & MK/MNSSHP because they don't want to go to too many parks) I am going to offer to bring nephew on some things as most people in our group are mainly interested in the Food and Wine festival, which doesn't interest me very much (I don't really drink and my food choices are not so adventurous) and I can see a five year old getting bored. So hopefully I can bring nephew to some fun kid things and the adults can enjoy some food and wine. To me that seems like a win-win but who knows what others will have in their heads. I would love to take him for a morning and go to Animal Kingdom, but I don't think that will fly.

 

[BLAZEY]

I think that your nephew will quickly realise that Auntie Kristi391 is much more fun and knows more about Disney World than daddy.

 

[kboo]

I think that your nephew will quickly realise that Auntie Kristi391 is much more fun and knows more about Disney World than daddy.

YES!!! THIS!!!

Ugh. Bummer about not linking tickets until right then... That said, my DD at 3.5 had fun at the Epcot Flower and Garden festival. We didn't spend a TON of time at Epcot, but she loved Soarin (time for a MB switch?) and loved the acrobat show in China, and we snacked on various things around the World Showcase. Both times we've been, she's spent WAY more time than we wanted watching the model train in Germany and playing the drums in a little Africa-inspired area in the WS. It really did show me that WDW considered all ages when they designed the parks and that it's not just about the rides. It was interesting seeing Epcot through a little kid's eyes. There is a lot more to do than you think. Also there are a lot of underappreciated character meet and greets in Epcot. Oh, and DD could have gone on The Land and the Nemo ride over and over and over and over and over again.

Evil me says you should take your nephew to Club Cool at some point and have him try ALL the sodas after dinner, and then it'll be up to your brother to get him to sleep. MWAHAHAHAHA!

 

[Kristi391]

I think that your nephew will quickly realise that Auntie Kristi391 is much more fun and knows more about Disney World than daddy.

LOVE!!! It is so funny because I take care of my nephew all summer (I am a teacher so I have summers off) and we did several things to get excited for the trip and on the day we made a countdown chain and hung it in his playroom (out of the way where nobody else would really see it) and when his dad got home that night DN was all excited to show him the chain and brother's response was, "Yeah, you should keep that at Kristi's house". The next day DN was talking and he said, "I think Daddy is going to be grumpy at Disney." So, I think he is pretty well aware. It kind of makes me sad.

Ugh. Bummer about not linking tickets until right then... That said, my DD at 3.5 had fun at the Epcot Flower and Garden festival. We didn't spend a TON of time at Epcot, but she loved Soarin (time for a MB switch?) and loved the acrobat show in China, and we snacked on various things around the World Showcase. Both times we've been, she's spent WAY more time than we wanted watching the model train in Germany and playing the drums in a little Africa-inspired area in the WS. It really did show me that WDW considered all ages when they designed the parks and that it's not just about the rides. It was interesting seeing Epcot through a little kid's eyes. There is a lot more to do than you think. Also there are a lot of underappreciated character meet and greets in Epcot. Oh, and DD could have gone on The Land and the Nemo ride over and over and over and over and over again.

Evil me says you should take your nephew to Club Cool at some point and have him try ALL the sodas after dinner, and then it'll be up to your brother to get him to sleep. MWAHAHAHAHA!

I think he will love Soarin and I really want to try to get FP for that. I have been waiting to make any selections to see what everyone else was planning, but I think I might just make the 2 that I can and then change them if need be. I didn't even think of the acrobats in China. I think he will love that! I am excited to see how he likes the different areas of that park. He loves different types of music and dance so I think it will be a lot of fun with him.

The idea of Club Cool made me giggle! What a fun (evil) idea! It would be the perfect time to do it too, as the next day is a relax by the pool day so if DN is up late, he can sleep in!

I am so glad I decided to start this thread. I knew that I need to get over DB's comments and have a thicker skin and all that but last night after a comment he made I was ready to not go. I just needed some perspective from others about the positive aspects outweighing the negative ones, so thank you so much for your replies!!!

 

[hereyago]

Why be polite? He asks like a jerk because he knows he isnt getting called out on it.

I would honestly ask him why even bother going because you dont want to be around that kind of negativity.

And tell him if he wants to start running his mouth, you will not be around that and follow through.


It is sad for your DN, but it is your vacation to. Too bad you cant duct tape him to the Its a Small World ride and have him keep going through it lol

 

[Kristi391]

Why be polite? He asks like a jerk because he knows he isnt getting called out on it.

I would honestly ask him why even bother going because you dont want to be around that kind of negativity.

And tell him if he wants to start running his mouth, you will not be around that and follow through.


It is sad for your DN, but it is your vacation to. Too bad you cant duct tape him to the Its a Small World ride and have him keep going through it lol

So even though he doens't deserve it, I need to be polite when I am there because I don't want to make others miserable with our fighting. Plus, I just hate angry confrontations. Plus, I love my nephew more than anything and if I am a jerk to my brother, I run the risk of him not letting me see my nephew as much, and I am not willing to take that chance.

I actually did ask him why he agreed to go to WDW when he made the comment about the five year old being happy with just the pool. I asked why he didn't just go someplace with a nice pool or beach. His response was, "There are things at Disney he (DN) will enjoy!" I don't even try to understand his logic. I often wonder if he was switched at birth and there is a more laid back 39 year old out in the greater Boston area who grew up with a super high strung family!

Love the idea of duct taping him on Its a Small World. That would be fantastic! I have already told my youngest brother that we should tell oldest brother that Captain EO is amazing (We both hate it!) to get 17 minutes of peace! Really though, I don't plan to spend a lot of time with Oldest brother at Epcot.

 

[hereyago]

You sound like a cool aunt.

But I would have a talk before you go and say you look like a jerk when you say certain stuff and it hurts my feelings and this isnt acceptable.
Threaten to duct tape him and get personalized ears for him to wear,lol

Your feelings are your feelings, no one gets to disregard them.

Have you asked him would it be ok to take DN certain places if bro isnt into them?


Hope you have a great trip!

 

[Kristi391]

You sound like a cool aunt.

But I would have a talk before you go and say you look like a jerk when you say certain stuff and it hurts my feelings and this isnt acceptable.
Threaten to duct tape him and get personalized ears for him to wear,lol

Your feelings are your feelings, no one gets to disregard them.

Have you asked him would it be ok to take DN certain places if bro isnt into them?


Hope you have a great trip!

Thank you!

I do want to have a convo with DB before we go and hope that he can keep his hurtful comments to himself while we are in Florida. If not, I will be sure to pack my duct tape!

I want to ask DB/SIL about taking DN around Epcot while they are enjoying food and wine, but I don't know if I should do it prior to the trip or when we are there and they deeply entrenched in snacks and beverages.

 

[Fueledbycoffee]

We've been in your shoes a bit where we went with extended family that didn't quit "get" Disney like our family does. I spent countless hours trying to get the "perfect" FP+s (ours were linked)... We got there & the next day DN9 & DN6 had swimsuits on when it was time to leave for Epcot and experience Soarin' (my favorite). I was mad and hurt after all of the time I put into it but there was nothing we could do so our immediate family went on our way. I think DN & DN are bummed now that they missed a couple of rides but they didn't know any better at the time. It's hard but no matter how hard to try others may not "get" Disney and your loved ones may miss stuff. I hope you find time to enjoy lots of great things with him!

BTW: On our last day with them, we had FP+s to Kilimanjaro Safari that I had arranged and the look on their faces as we walked by the long line was PRICELESS!

 

[kwdw]

The 5 year old is going to learn the value of a FP+ VERY quickly. My niece at 5 this past spring did. She quickly understood what having a FP meant, what a LONG wait meant, and what a short wait without FP was. She was ADAMANT about waiting for POTC without a FP one time (35 minutes!), but she another time, she understood when I said "we would wait as long as we did on POTC" the one time - she opted to pass on waiting in that line - given that she was told we had a FP the next day. Even at 5 they get it - if you provide comparisons they can understand.

You can't make family who don't go to Disney all the time understand. They have to WANT to themselves. You can try - but it's hard.

 

[Madteaparty001]

What I would do, because I'm a control freak, is buy your nephew's ticket as a 'gift', whatever kind of gift to whoever you can decide for yourself, but that way you can link it to your MDE and make fast passes for him. The only fear is if your brother is vindictive enough to not allow your nephew to use the fast passes out of spite when they have to wait in the stand by line.

 

[Kristi391]

We've been in your shoes a bit where we went with extended family that didn't quit "get" Disney like our family does. I spent countless hours trying to get the "perfect" FP+s (ours were linked)... We got there & the next day DN9 & DN6 had swimsuits on when it was time to leave for Epcot and experience Soarin' (my favorite). I was mad and hurt after all of the time I put into it but there was nothing we could do so our immediate family went on our way. I think DN & DN are bummed now that they missed a couple of rides but they didn't know any better at the time. It's hard but no matter how hard to try others may not "get" Disney and your loved ones may miss stuff. I hope you find time to enjoy lots of great things with him!

BTW: On our last day with them, we had FP+s to Kilimanjaro Safari that I had arranged and the look on their faces as we walked by the long line was PRICELESS!

I would have been super upset at that too! (Soarin is also my favorite ride...I can't wait for Soarin over the World!" That's awesome that the FP for Kilimanjaro worked out so well!

What I would do, because I'm a control freak, is buy your nephew's ticket as a 'gift', whatever kind of gift to whoever you can decide for yourself, but that way you can link it to your MDE and make fast passes for him. The only fear is if your brother is vindictive enough to not allow your nephew to use the fast passes out of spite when they have to wait in the stand by line.

That's not a bad idea. I don't think DB would be vindictive against his son. He would let him ride if he had a FP. I think.

 

[powellrj]

Can I be a little harsh here. The reason your brother does these things is because he knows he can get a rise out of you because it upsets you. As long as you keep responding the way he expects, all the little digs and talks with him will do nothing to him. Stop giving him the response he wants and you will no longer be fun for him and he will stop treating you like he does.

Yes its hard, but just stop and walk away a few times and you will see a difference.

 

[Kristi391]

Can I be a little harsh here. The reason your brother does these things is because he knows he can get a rise out of you because it upsets you. As long as you keep responding the way he expects, all the little digs and talks with him will do nothing to him. Stop giving him the response he wants and you will no longer be fun for him and he will stop treating you like he does.

Yes its hard, but just stop and walk away a few times and you will see a difference.

Not harsh at all. Unfortunately walking away, or in many cases, not responding to a text, doesn't deter him. I always walk away or don't respond. I have left his house several times this summer when he has started in with the comments. On one occasion after I left, my youngest brother called him out on his treatment of me and DB did text me to apologize. But the apology didn't really mean anything because the comments started up again a short time later.

Part of it is he can't stand feeling inferior about anything, even something as simple and unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) as Disney. So the fact that I have more knowledge about this particular subject drives him nuts. Kind of classic bully mentality.

 

[powellrj]

But you made my point, by calling him out, your brother gave him the reaction he was looking for. He WANTS to upset you and he did. When I said walk away, just walk away. Don't react, don't call him out, don't do anything. A bully is looking for a reaction and by giving them one, they win. You may think that the more knowledge you have is what drives him nuts, but the truth is he just likes driving you nuts.