How would you feel?

[LiLIrishChick63]

so my DH has recently got a new job(which is AWESOME since he was laid off for a while). it's 12 hour shifts, but it's only a few days on, a few days off, and so on.

i have had two jobs for a few months now. both office-type jobs which are monday-friday 9-5(i haven't actually worked a weekend in over a year).

this morning DH apparently got a phone call from his DB asking if he wanted to go out to dinner later tonight. DH told him he had to work, and then that was the end of the conversation.

my DMIL came by later while DH was still at work, and dropped off some soup and breadsticks that she got from the restaurant they went to. she goes on to tell me that most of the family was actually there, except for DFIL who was tired.

she left and i couldn't help but feel kind of left out. i'll cut my DMIL some slack, since she's not always all ~there~ and i'll even cut out DH's one aunt who went because she probably didn't even know who was going until she got there.

but neither DBIL nor DSIL thought to ask me? they knew about it all day, they knew i'd be sitting at home by myself until DH got home at 7, and they both had my phone number.

i told DH and he was pretty upset too, he brought up the situation of "if we have kids and the family goes and does something together and i'm at work, are they just not going to call you and invite you???"

would it upset you? because i actually am upset about it. i've had some issues with this DSIL in the past....so i can't help but think maybe it was done on purpose, not calling me and asking if i'd like to come along.

i mean, like i said, i'll let it slide from DMIL and DH's aunt....but 4 out of 4 people didn't think to ask their DDIL/DSIL if she wanted to go out to dinner with them??

 

[npmommie]

I have been dealing with this type of situation with my dh's family for over 20 years. I have learned to not let it upset me anymore. It used to really upset me a lot when I would learn of things I ( or we) were left out of. But now not so much.
It is just not worth the mental energy.

Here is an example of one situation that happened here.
My BIL and SIL ( it is hubby's brother ) live up the road from us. Walking distance.
a couple years ago our other BIL and SIL ( one of my hubby's other brothers) were visiting here from Florida. They were staying up the road at BIL's home. We didn't know. They didn't even let us know there were here. No one did.

I found out because I ran into the local grocery store for something and there was my BIL from Florida picking up something. Then it all came out.
So yep I understand fully.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I have been dealing with this type of situation with my dh's family for over 20 years. I have learned to not let it upset me anymore. It used to really upset me a lot when I would learn of things I ( or we) were left out of. But now not so much.
It is just not worth the mental energy.

Here is an example of one situation that happened here.
My BIL and SIL ( it is hubby's brother ) live up the road from us. Walking distance.
a couple years ago our other BIL and SIL ( one of my hubby's other brothers) were visiting here from Florida. They were staying up the road at BIL's home. We didn't know. They didn't even let us know there were here. No one did.

I found out because I ran into the local grocery store for something and there was my BIL from Florida picking up something. Then it all came out.
So yep I understand fully.

that's horrible! i'm so sorry!

i mean, like i said i know my DSIL doesn't exactly like me(we come from really different backrounds, and i don't fit her "standards") but i didn't think she'd make it that obvious.

i guess it's good to know now rather than years down the road.

thanks for sharing your story. even tho that's crappy at least i know that i'm not alone.

 

[jwhtewolfd]

Think of it this way: if they don't want you there, would you really want to be there anyway?

My parents hated my (now-ex) fiance. They made it PERFECTLY clear that he was not wanted and not welcome. Sometimes we would go to family things together (very strained situation), sometimes we wouldn't go at all (I would get the guilt trip later for not showing) and sometimes I would go alone (seemed to be the best option).

On one occassion when I went to my parents' house alone, my dad made a comment that it was rude that DF didn't come. I turned to him and said, "Well it's not like you wanted him here." Sorry, dad, you can't have it both ways. You can't hate that he's there when he shows up, but complain that he's rude when I tell him to stay home.

In short, they (4 out of 4 people) didn't not "think to ask." They did not want to invite you. Would you be happier if they had invited you out of pity or a sense of obligation? That's not where I'd want to spend my time.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Think of it this way: if they don't want you there, would you really want to be there anyway?

My parents hated my (now-ex) fiance. They made it PERFECTLY clear that he was not wanted and not welcome. Sometimes we would go to family things together (very strained situation), sometimes we wouldn't go at all (I would get the guilt trip later for not showing) and sometimes I would go alone (seemed to be the best option).

On one occassion when I went to my parents' house alone, my dad made a comment that it was rude that DF didn't come. I turned to him and said, "Well it's not like you wanted him here." Sorry, dad, you can't have it both ways. You can't hate that he's there when he shows up, but complain that he's rude when I tell him to stay home.

In short, they (4 out of 4 people) didn't not "think to ask." They did not want to invite you. Would you be happier if they had invited you out of pity or a sense of obligation? That's not where I'd want to spend my time.

well to be honest, 3 out of the 4 of them i actually get along with really well. my DMIL, DBIL, and DH's aunt i love. they're really great people and we all have fun together.

it's DSIL who doesn't really care for me, and i think maybe i'm also in a bit of shock that she was able to make it possible for them to not want me/invite me there.

but thank you for the comment "they didn't want to invite you" and i'm serious, because i felt the same way and i had a few people tell me "oh maybe they all just forgot"...ALL 4 OF THEM?? so i'm just glad i'm not the only one noticing that it was intentional.

 

[Mommee]

ummm...why didn't your husband say that you could go? Couldn't the family have assumed that since he didn't mention it, that you weren't available? My in-laws would never turn around and call me after having just talked to my husband. That would be HIS place to talk to me, not theirs.

Now if DH said I was available to go, and they said no thank you...then we'd have an issue

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

ummm...why didn't your husband say that you could go? Couldn't the family have assumed that since he didn't mention it, that you weren't available? My in-laws would never turn around and call me after having just talked to my husband. That would be HIS place to talk to me, not theirs.

Now if DH said I was available to go, and they said no thank you...then we'd have an issue

i need my husband's permission to go out to dinner with his family?

 

[Mommee]

i need my husband's permission to go out to dinner with his family?

No, but I don't think it's reasonable to think that your husband's family needs to call each of you separately.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

No, but I don't think it's reasonable to think that your husband's family needs to call each of you separately.

oh....so if my husband is at work, i must also be unavaliable for the day as well?? i wasn't aware of this rule, thank you for sharing.

 

[kaytieeldr]

i need my husband's permission to go out to dinner with his family?

Permission? No - but maybe next time he can say, "I'm working, but where are you going and what time should LilIrishChick be there?".

 

[PaulaSB12]

so my DH has recently got a new job(which is AWESOME since he was laid off for a while). it's 12 hour shifts, but it's only a few days on, a few days off, and so on.

i have had two jobs for a few months now. both office-type jobs which are monday-friday 9-5(i haven't actually worked a weekend in over a year).

this morning DH apparently got a phone call from his DB asking if he wanted to go out to dinner later tonight. DH told him he had to work, and then that was the end of the conversation.

my DMIL came by later while DH was still at work, and dropped off some soup and breadsticks that she got from the restaurant they went to. she goes on to tell me that most of the family was actually there, except for DFIL who was tired.

she left and i couldn't help but feel kind of left out. i'll cut my DMIL some slack, since she's not always all ~there~ and i'll even cut out DH's one aunt who went because she probably didn't even know who was going until she got there.

but neither DBIL nor DSIL thought to ask me? they knew about it all day, they knew i'd be sitting at home by myself until DH got home at 7, and they both had my phone number.

i told DH and he was pretty upset too, he brought up the situation of "if we have kids and the family goes and does something together and i'm at work, are they just not going to call you and invite you???"

would it upset you? because i actually am upset about it. i've had some issues with this DSIL in the past....so i can't help but think maybe it was done on purpose, not calling me and asking if i'd like to come along.

i mean, like i said, i'll let it slide from DMIL and DH's aunt....but 4 out of 4 people didn't think to ask their DDIL/DSIL if she wanted to go out to dinner with them??

If your brother in law invited your husband for a meal and he said he was busy they probably assumed you both where as for your mother in law and your husband's aunt if they where not the ones booking the meal they wouldn't be in the position to ask you to come to the meal they where guests as well not the one organising.

 

[NMAmy]

No, but I don't think it's reasonable to think that your husband's family needs to call each of you separately.

Agreed. I'm not sure why your husband is getting a free pass on this from you but your SIL is getting all the blame. Your husband knew about the invitation AND he knew you were free. He could have said, "Hey, I can't go but I'm sure my wife would like to come along."

When I call say, my niece and ask her family to dinner, I'd assume if she said no, then the answer was no for the whole family. I wouldn't then call her husband to ask him what he was doing. Same with my IL's. If I talked to my BIL and he said he couldn't come to dinner, unless he said otherwise, I'd assume his wife was busy or not interested.

 

[MoniqueU]

My husband and I are both only children so I don't know what the whole brother in law sister in law dynamic is like but if someone in our families asked one of us to go to dinner they would either get both of us or neither of us with the exception that I would spend time with my husbands deceased grandma on my own and my husband would spend time with my grandpa on his own. We don't desire either of us to cozy up to each others familiy. My MIL will often ask me to go and do things without my husband and I decline as nice as possible, she is nice but I don't want to hang out with her unless my husband is there. Actually my kids and I were supposed to eat with her and she invited her boyfriend who she knows my husband doesn't like and I asked my kids iff they would go and my son who is 17 said he didn't want to so we came up with an excuse. Nothing against her and her boyfriend makes her happy we just choose not to spend time in that situation with them. We still like her but not all families are super close to in laws and it doesn't have to be personal.

 

[NHdisneylover]

ummm...why didn't your husband say that you could go? Couldn't the family have assumed that since he didn't mention it, that you weren't available? My in-laws would never turn around and call me after having just talked to my husband. That would be HIS place to talk to me, not theirs.

Now if DH said I was available to go, and they said no thank you...then we'd have an issue

Permission? No - but maybe next time he can say, "I'm working, but where are you going and what time should LilIrishChick be there?".

Agreed. I'm not sure why your husband is getting a free pass on this from you but your SIL is getting all the blame. Your husband knew about the invitation AND he knew you were free. He could have said, "Hey, I can't go but I'm sure my wife would like to come along."

When I call say, my niece and ask her family to dinner, I'd assume if she said no, then the answer was no for the whole family. I wouldn't then call her husband to ask him what he was doing. Same with my IL's. If I talked to my BIL and he said he couldn't come to dinner, unless he said otherwise, I'd assume his wife was busy or not interested.

I agree with these posters. I have never separately called to invite carious members of one household and would not expect that. It is odd to do so and I think you are letting your other issues with your DSiL color how you see this issue. Your DH should have said something like "I am working tonight but I bet LittleIrishChick would love to have the company, let me ask her."

I also think your other relatives had a valid reason to assume that you had been asked--DBiL was tasked with asking your family (which he did when he talked to his brother). I think I would be touched in the same situation that DMiL wanted to be sure I at least got some of the dinner from the group even though you didn't "want" to go out (as far as she knew).

 

[powellrj]

I would mark this up as more of an oversight than a true snub. My DDIL and I do lots of things without my DS because I know to always ask her. On the other hand, my ILs would never have thought to ask me.

They had a monthly Thursday lunch for over 20 years that I was never included in. It just wasn't in their nature to even THINK about me let alone include me in anything without DH.

 

[Ceila]

Mommee didn't say anything about you needing permission from your husband. She said that it was his place to pass the information on to you, and he didn't.

Your husband could have mentioned to his brother that while he had to work, you might like to go. Then he could have asked for the details or asked his brother to call you directly with the info.

 

[scrapbookworm]

I think that you are making a bigger deal of this than it really is. I'm not flaming you, I'm just trying to give a different perspective. Perhaps they thought that since your DH couldn't go, you wouldn't want/be available to go either. I agree that probably your previous issues with your SIL are contributing to your feelings. And if you have had issues with her, would you really want to go out to eat with her WITHOUT your DH? That would be like me going over to see or going out with my DH's aunt. She doesn't like me. Never has, never will.

FWIW, I probably wouldn't go out with my DH's family without him. To me, it would be kinda awkward. I guess I'm old fashioned in thinking that we are a package deal. Of course, none of them ever have gatherings unless we initiate and host it, so the point is kinda moot anyway.

 

[disneyjunkie]

i need my husband's permission to go out to dinner with his family?

oh....so if my husband is at work, i must also be unavaliable for the day as well?? i wasn't aware of this rule, thank you for sharing.

Based on these two responses. I think you want everyone to jump on the awful inlaws bandwagon.

If you want to be upset with some one, it should be your husband not your inlaws.

 

[mickeyboat]

Agreed. I'm not sure why your husband is getting a free pass on this from you but your SIL is getting all the blame. Your husband knew about the invitation AND he knew you were free. He could have said, "Hey, I can't go but I'm sure my wife would like to come along."

When I call say, my niece and ask her family to dinner, I'd assume if she said no, then the answer was no for the whole family. I wouldn't then call her husband to ask him what he was doing. Same with my IL's. If I talked to my BIL and he said he couldn't come to dinner, unless he said otherwise, I'd assume his wife was busy or not interested.

I have to say that I agree with NMAmy. A couple weeks ago we were invited to a graduation party. The girls and I were going to be at girl scout camp, so would not be able to attend. But I did ask DH if he would like to go. He said he would. I am sure my DH would not expect them to call him after I said I was not available.

It would have been nice if the family had asked your DH if you would like to come without him, but it would also have been nice if your DH has made the suggestion to them, and to you.

You could also have called back and told them you would like to come without your DH. I wouldn't hesitate to do that in this situation with family.

Just trying to give you another perspective.

 

[karibritt01]

ummm...why didn't your husband say that you could go? Couldn't the family have assumed that since he didn't mention it, that you weren't available? My in-laws would never turn around and call me after having just talked to my husband. That would be HIS place to talk to me, not theirs.

Now if DH said I was available to go, and they said no thank you...then we'd have an issue

I have to agree with this post also. I think the invitation would have been the same no matter who answered the phone based on my own IL experience. DH usually gets called on his cell phone and gets invited for the family. If he declines, then that is usually the end of the conversation. There have been many times that I have found out about invites after the fact, and he didn't think to tell me because he knew we couldn't go. There have also been things that I could have attended and missed because he never thought to mention it. Such as the dinner that my IL came and picked up my kids for, and didn't invite me to attend while DH was working. Turns out I was invited, but miscommunication and I ended up eating chinese alone at home.