How Was Bullying Handled At Your Child's School?

[Hisgirl]

Lots of folks here, educators included. I'm curious how your school systems handle serious bullying.

We have a situation at a local elementary school that is escalating as the bully ages. He has broken a child's bone, called children with disabilities horrid names, pulled off jewelry, shoved, punched, knocked down. All with witnesses. And each time, administrators, including the board, aren't doing anything.

The principal/teachers are saying boys will be boys and are not removing the child. Our community is discussing it and many educators are coming on and saying their hands are tied.

When my child was young, we had a boy in our class who was a behavioral difficulty. (I don't think that's a word). His family was famous and even though he was a terror in the class. Nothing was ever done.

So I'm wondering what you have seen happen. Was the bully ever truly dealt with successfully? What can be done to protect the other kids? Has anyone ever filed an assault charge?

Again, this isn't heresay, we're talking bruises, broken bone, knocked down and punched. All with witnesses including adults. The bully is still in class and continuing his behavior.

Does anyone know exactly how educators' hands are tied?

 

[luvsJack]

Well all of mine are out of school now but it was handled a multitude of ways.

When my sons were in 4th and 6th grades there were two boys that were basically running the school. To the point that boys in grades 6th and up had to be escorted to and from the restroom. It was ridiculous and the parents threw a fit. The principal retired, got a new one and he came in and hit the problem head on. One of the two boys was told he had aged out of junior high and was moved to the high school. The other was encouraged to play football and somehow that helped.

When yds was bullied, they again did nothing. (Had another principal by this time). Finally ds had enough and fought back. Problem ended.

Same thing with Dd. When she fought back, the girl moved on to a different target and was finally expelled for threatening people online.

All of this was in middle school/jr high.

The high school was better at handling it. The kids had a way to report it in the website to campus police. The bully would be watched, called in and if warranted, sent to alternative school or even charges pressed.

I don’t know if their hands are actually tied but I always found it interesting at the middle school/jr high level, action was taken when their hands were forced. But before then it was a “just stay away from them” sort of solution.

 

[Floridaman999]

It wasn't.

 

[TheConsciousness]

This has gotten out of hand. This last week a 12 year old from my state committed suicide after extreme bullying.
The parents aren't doing anything, the teachers can't do anything...
At this point it is time to make laws.

Telling another person to kill themselves should be treated with the same severity as a death threat.
If someone is known to be a bully, the LEAST the teachers should be doing is making note.
Then at the end of the year, the bullies spend their summer sleeping in a juvenile detention center.

 

[Hisgirl]

This has gotten out of hand. This last week a 12 year old from my state committed suicide after extreme bullying.
The parents aren't doing anything, the teachers can't do anything...
At this point it is time to make laws.

Telling another person to kill themselves should be treated with the same severity as a death threat.
If someone is known to be a bully, the LEAST the teachers should be doing is making note.
Then at the end of the year, the bullies spend their summer sleeping in a juvenile detention center.

YES. This boy is telling this kid to kill himself.

 

[disney junky]

Their hands are tied to some degree, especially if he has diagnosed behavioral issues. This is the dilemma in schools. I don't agree with the statement, 'boys will be boys' if students are being physically assaulted. That's no longer bullying, that's assault. Often the only remedy is to circumvent the school system and get the police involved. Keep in mind, administrators can't discuss another student's discipline publicly, so if a parent says, what are you doing about it, their answer will be, it's being dealt with. If they say more than that, they are violating that student's rights.

This is an incredibly difficult issue for schools.

 

[Hikergirl]

Lots of folks here, educators included. I'm curious how your school systems handle serious bullying.

We have a situation at a local elementary school that is escalating as the bully ages. He has broken a child's bone, called children with disabilities horrid names, pulled off jewelry, shoved, punched, knocked down. All with witnesses. And each time, administrators, including the board, aren't doing anything.

The principal/teachers are saying boys will be boys and are not removing the child. Our community is discussing it and many educators are coming on and saying their hands are tied.

When my child was young, we had a boy in our class who was a behavioral difficulty. (I don't think that's a word). His family was famous and even though he was a terror in the class. Nothing was ever done.

So I'm wondering what you have seen happen. Was the bully ever truly dealt with successfully? What can be done to protect the other kids? Has anyone ever filed an assault charge?

Again, this isn't heresay, we're talking bruises, broken bone, knocked down and punched. All with witnesses including adults. The bully is still in class and continuing his behavior.

Does anyone know exactly how educators' hands are tied?

In our district they didn't really do much, there were some repeat offenders who had the right parents who knew the right people.
A few bullies had mom's who were very involved with the school PTA and always volunteering for many years. Their bully children got away with everything. The sad part is the rest of us moms knew it but there wasn't much we could do about it except talk about it among ourselves.
My ds had issues with one of these kids for years in elementary school. The kid kept getting punished (barely) when he should have been expelled. He kept getting "second chances". Luckily as the years went by my ds became less of a target, but sadly that just meant that other kids became more of one.

There was another kid who when younger sounds just like you describe OP. I saw him physically pull a girl off the swings and push her to the ground one day. The punishment that day was to miss the rest of recess.
He was a special ed student with anger issues that came out violently. (I know his family personally so this isn't just me guessing). I think the school's hands were tied due to that situation.
The last straw for them was when he hit his teacher and smashed a girls head in to a desk and gave her a bloody nose. He was sent to a school in the district where they were better equipped to deal with kids like that- self contained classrooms.

My kids are older now so I'm not sure much has changed. I do know it always bothered me how the school always made it a point to teach the kids how wrong bullying was. Assemblies, and awareness days, telling kids to always speak up and do the right thing, when they just ended up brushing it all off.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I second getting the police involved. But that might be too late if the bully is telling a child to kill himself.

Maybe send a letter to the principal, cc the school board and tell them you find their lack of response in a zero tolerance environment to be dangerous. Ignoring this type of behavior helps no one. If a child is behaving like this, he may have social, mental or emotional issues or a chaotic home life. Ignoring it helps literally no one.

 

[monsterkitty]

Their hands are tied to some degree, especially if he has diagnosed behavioral issues. This is the dilemma in schools. I don't agree with the statement, 'boys will be boys' if students are being physically assaulted. That's no longer bullying, that's assault. Often the only remedy is to circumvent the school system and get the police involved. Keep in mind, administrators can't discuss another student's discipline publicly, so if a parent says, what are you doing about it, their answer will be, it's being dealt with. If they say more than that, they are violating that student's rights.

This is an incredibly difficult issue for schools.

This. If a student is identified with behavioral issues it is incredibly difficult for administrators to punish the student. If the behavior is a manifestation of the behavioral diagnosis there really is little the school can do because of the laws protecting that student. However, if administration is documenting and providing modifications for that student for behavior and consequences, due diligence can allow for an alternative placement. It may take the entire year, but it can happen.

What I highly suggest is that any student who is physically harmed press charges and request the boy's parents pay any medical costs. There really is no law on bullying, but there is on harassment, so I also suggest parents document what they boy says and does to their children and go from there.

 

[mjkacmom]

At our HS, I didn’t even know Dd was being bullied until the guidance counselor called me. She was being attacked on social media, yelled at around town, being pushed into lockers). Why? Because she started dating a boy who had a crazy ex girlfriend (Dd was a freshman, bf was a junior, ex was a senior). It was a well known group of mean girls. They were talked to, their parents had to come to school, they were suspended -and nothing really changed. One of tbe girl’s father is a police officer in town who gives a anti-bullying presentation every year at the high school (an irony known to all). Fortunately, most graduated last year and went off to college, one of the remaining girls ended up being dd’s varsity soccer big sister, and ended up apologizing.

Anyway, I’ve learned that even if the school gets involved, nothing really changes. I told Dd to shove back, but she’s pretty shy and timid (totally the opposite of her mom who got into her fair share of high school fights).

 

[monsterkitty]

I just started my 31st year of teaching in December (was hired a week before winter break here). What I can tell you about many of the students who bully their parents refuse to accept that their child is the bully and not the target. Two cases from this year:

Student 1- Continually making comments to students and staff that were highly inappropriate and was told multiple times to stop. Once he was told to stop, the behavior is now considered harassment (bullying) and he was given detentions, ISS and OSS. Behavior did not change because mom refused to acknowledge and believe her son was the instigator and not the target. I have not sent a student out of my room for behavior in at least 10 years. First week of school I sent him out for pushing a student and making comments. The physical contact and the fact that I sent him out was enough for a 3 day OSS. He comes back and the behaviors escalate in the hallways and classrooms. We went for expulsion in November and his mom fought it. We won anyway.

Student 2- Friends with student #1. Same behaviors but physical interactions with other students was worse. He would only harass or harm another student when there was no adult was around or when in a location there was no security camera. A new camera was installed and he was caught. Mom insisted we edited the video to make it look like it was her son's fault. She threatened teachers, called us names, and accused us of setting up her son. The final straw was when he punched another student and those parents had the SRO issue a ticket. Mom came storming up to the school parked behind our principal's truck, and refused to let him leave to go get his ill daughter. Police were called and she was arrested. In the mean time we were put on lockout because of her threats.

Parents enable their kids' behavior way too much. It's never their child's fault. This is the biggest problem with harassment and physical violence in the schools. Our hands are tied in many ways and while we want to solve the issue of harassment, many times it is way more difficult than just handing out a punishment.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

When we moved when DS18 was in 5th grade, he was horribly bullied by his new classmates. Mostly for him, it was exclusion since DS was always taller and bigger than his classmates, but it occasionally got physical with a push, shove, or shoulder bump in the hallway or in line (which DS handled with ease...by then, years of being a football lineman gave him no fear of physical confrontation, but he was never one to start a fight - ever). The exclusion, name-calling, and public humiliation was worse - he still struggles with self-confidence to this day. Thankfully he is aware of why, and he works through it to stay his naturally kind, intelligent, and charismatic self, but internally he thinks very lowly of himself. Grrr...I could wring those bullies necks to this day for being so terrible to a new kid who just wanted to be at peace

The school didn't do ANYTHING. There was a facebook incident, and the principal said he wouldn't get involved because it was my fault DS had social media (this was when SM was just becoming what it has evolved into today). He also said that these classmates have been friends since preschool and we couldn't expect DS to come into the school in 5th grade and become instant friends with them. Unbelievable. The 5th grade teacher didn't say a word through the whole meeting, and never talked to us about it again.

These kids were horrible to DS until he became a football "star" in HS and then everyone wanted to be friends with him. He blew all of them off and stayed friends with the few kids who actually went against the crowd in middle school and were nice to him. He never forgot these nice kids, and is still friends with them today.

The school did NOTHING to help us. I hear they are still terrible at handling bullying situations even 9 years later. And now that we have lived here for almost a decade and know the people/families involved, we see exactly why the kids were the way they were. We moved into a community of Good 'Ol Boys and mean girl moms. It all makes sense.

 

[Newsies]

I graduated from high school back in 2015 and dealt with bullying in elementary school and middle school. Elementary school was considerably the worst, where my fourth grade teacher actively supported the bullies. I told a school counselor I was speaking to that this was going on, and she kind of brushed it off, so nothing was done about it. Not sure why this teacher hated me so much, but I was out for a week with strep throat and my best friend told me (later on in life, maybe 5-6 years after the fact) that this teacher made several comments about how nice it was to "have a break" from me.

In middle school, every grade has a specific counselor devoted to helping them work out their problems and ours was pretty bad at what he did. I remember going to him in tears about normal middle school drama and instead of trying to talk me through it, he would try to distract me. One time there was a mouse in his office when I came in and he was like "Shhhh don't cry, want to see the mouse?" before the custodians came in to take care of it. Super unhelpful at the time, but a story that my friends and I laugh at today.

Our high school had an actual protocol in place, but it was flawed. A girl in my grade came to a counselor with a tricky situation that wasn't necessarily "bullying" (I think someone in her class was making fun of self-harm, at the time she was self-harming but nobody knew that) and asked to just vent/talk about it without filing a report against the student. The school ended up filing a report anyway and treating it as though she had been personally bullied, which caused more problems than it solved once people found out about it, people found out she was self-harming and she ended up transferring schools.

 

[AlohaNow]

I have said this for a few years now. With the amount of time my children have had to spend in district mandated ‘bullying prevention’ assemblies, classes, etc. – the bullies have won. The schools don’t deal with the bullies; they try to teach everyone else how to deal with being bullied. This thread just furthers the point. The bullies have won.

 

[Hikergirl]

I have said this for a few years now. With the amount of time my children have had to spend in district mandated ‘bullying prevention’ assemblies, classes, etc. – the bullies have won. The schools don’t deal with the bullies; they try to teach everyone else how to deal with being bullied. This thread just furthers the point. The bullies have won.

 

[DopeyDame]

I think one of the frustrations parents often feel is the *perception* that nothing is happening to the bullying kid, even when that's not the case. School's can't discuss other children with parents, so the kid may very well be receiving all sorts of additional punishments/support/pullouts/whatever and the parents may not know anything about it.
There is also a huge push lately to severely limit suspensions, especially for elementary kids, as they haven't been proven to do anything to curb the bad behavior.
Certainly for the most dramatic bullying above, I would hope the school is already taking steps to get the kid and one-to-one aid or something like that. Clearly, the kid isn't succeeding as it is, and it's not fair to all the other kids whose education he's impacting.

 

[DLgal]

There is absolutely zero tolerance for bullying in our school district. Kids get expelled here for repeated violations. There is a very strong program for fostering a positive environment in our schools called PBIS (Positive Behavior Intervention Supports). It is a systematic program that teaches kids from Pre K up through 12th grade to be kind, compassionate, supportive of each other and respectful of our differences. It rewards kids for exhibiting positive behaviors using a system of rewards that starts with earning pretend money (elementary level) that they can use to "buy" things like token prizes, or they can save it as a class to earn class incentives, or school wide incentives (fun stuff like inflatable bounce house parties during recess, fairs, dances, etc). In the middle and high school level, it changes to tickets they receive from teachers that they can turn in for weekly raffles with a variety of prizes. We are a very multi cultural city, and this program is in place at every school, is managed at the district level, and works very well because everyone is invested in it. My kids have been in this district from preschool age and now in middle and high school and I have seen this program work with my own eyes. My kids are autistic and have NEVER been bullied. Not once. In fact, the complete opposite has been our experience, with kids bending over backwards to include my sons, help them, be a friend, and make a real effort to learn about what makes them different, and that it's not a big deal. The schools do numerous assemblies throughout the year, but rather than being focused on "bullying", they are focused on kindness, inclusion, learning about cultural differences, disabilities, etc. Every Monday morning, every elementary school has a "Monday Morning Meeting" out on the blacktop. The principal of each school talks about any events coming up, gives the students a pep talk, and then honors "stellar students" in each grade level with a certificate, for being an exemplary model of "positive behavior" the week prior. The teachers also routinely look out for kids who appear to be struggling socially, and pair them up with a peer buddy (usually an outgoing, natural leader type student) during group work or opportunities for team exercises. My sons have been paired up with peer buddies during P.E., field trips, assemblies, and fun events like the Fun Run. At the high school level, there is a very well developed "lunch buddies" program at each high school (usually made up of around 100 students), who spend one lunch a week as a group, doing a fun activity and socializing while eating. Kids who struggle are encouraged to attend and it's totally a voluntary thing on both sides. In fact, our son's high school had to "interview" students this year who wanted to volunteer for the lunch buddy program as Peer leaders because they had TOO MANY students who wanted to do it, and they needed to limit the number based on available space (they use a multipurpose room for this program that has an occupancy limit). Maybe kids in our city are just really good kids. But, it warmed my heart to hear that there were so many kids who WANTED to participate in a program like this.

Anyway, it seems to me that more districts should get on board with programs like these, that reward kids for positive behavior rather than focusing negative attention on bullying. It is proven that positive interventions are more successful. I am grateful that we live in a place that values not just teaching our children academics, but places an equal emphasis on developing character and creating good global citizens.

Based on my own experience, I do know for a fact that the schools don't just "ignore" bad behavior. They are VERY quick to identify troubled kids and set them up with a Behavior Plan if needed, but they first try to actually HELP the student, and figure out what is at the root of the behavior.

 

[DopeyDame]

There is absolutely zero tolerance for bullying in our school district. Kids get expelled here for repeated violations. There is a very strong program for fostering a positive environment in our schools called PBIS (Positive Behavior Intervention Supports). It is a systematic program that teaches kids from Pre K up through 12th grade to be kind, compassionate, supportive of each other and respectful of our differences. It rewards kids for exhibiting positive behaviors using a system of rewards that starts with earning pretend money (elementary level) that they can use to "buy" things like token prizes, or they can save it as a class to earn class incentives, or school wide incentives (fun stuff like inflatable bounce house parties during recess, fairs, dances, etc). In the middle and high school level, it changes to tickets they receive from teachers that they can turn in for weekly raffles with a variety of prizes. We are a very multi cultural city, and this program is in place at every school, is managed at the district level, and works very well because everyone is invested in it. My kids have been in this district from preschool age and now in middle and high school and I have seen this program work with my own eyes. My kids are autistic and have NEVER been bullied. Not once. In fact, the complete opposite has been our experience, with kids bending over backwards to include my sons, help them, be a friend, and make a real effort to learn about what makes them different, and that it's not a big deal. The schools do numerous assemblies throughout the year, but rather than being focused on "bullying", they are focused on kindness, inclusion, learning about cultural differences, disabilities, etc. Every Monday morning, every elementary school has a "Monday Morning Meeting" out on the blacktop. The principal of each school talks about any events coming up, gives the students a pep talk, and then honors "stellar students" in each grade level with a certificate, for being an exemplary model of "positive behavior" the week prior. The teachers also routinely look out for kids who appear to be struggling socially, and pair them up with a peer buddy (usually an outgoing, natural leader type student) during group work or opportunities for team exercises. My sons have been paired up with peer buddies during P.E., field trips, assemblies, and fun events like the Fun Run. At the high school level, there is a very well developed "lunch buddies" program at each high school (usually made up of around 100 students), who spend one lunch a week as a group, doing a fun activity and socializing while eating. Kids who struggle are encouraged to attend and it's totally a voluntary thing on both sides. In fact, our son's high school had to "interview" students this year who wanted to volunteer for the lunch buddy program as Peer leaders because they had TOO MANY students who wanted to do it, and they needed to limit the number based on available space (they use a multipurpose room for this program that has an occupancy limit). Maybe kids in our city are just really good kids. But, it warmed my heart to hear that there were so many kids who WANTED to participate in a program like this.

Anyway, it seems to me that more districts should get on board with programs like these, that reward kids for positive behavior rather than focusing negative attention on bullying. It is proven that positive interventions are more successful. I am grateful that we live in a place that values not just teaching our children academics, but places an equal emphasis on developing character and creating good global citizens.

Based on my own experience, I do know for a fact that the schools don't just "ignore" bad behavior. They are VERY quick to identify troubled kids and set them up with a Behavior Plan if needed, but they first try to actually HELP the student, and figure out what is at the root of the behavior.

That's good to hear of somewhere where PBIS is working so well. Our district has it too, and it seems very ...meh... to me. The sense I get from my kids is that the pretend money becomes pretty meaningless after the first few months of K or 1st grade, and they seem to get their money for everything. (Last week my daughter got 5 "bucks" one day. I asked her why, and she wasn't sure. "Maybe because I was sitting on the rug when I was supposed to.") And, as with so many behavioral intervention programs, the typically well behaved kids get a zillion pretend dollars without any effort and the kids who are struggling don't get many at all. It definitely seems to be falling into the "punished by rewards" category where some kids expect their pretend money and gold stars and prizes just for behaving like they're supposed to. (Several months ago DS said that he helped clean up some trash after lunch because he only needed two more bucks to get some prize, and he wanted the bucks. That led to a long conversation about cleaning up and helping others because it's the kind, responsible thing to do, rather than to get something for yourself. Sigh.)

What do you think it is in your program that's making it work so well?

Our school has great things like the buddy bench and lunch bunch, and lots of kids participate and that's awesome. But that doesn't really address the other kids who *dont* naturally want to participate in things like that who are sometimes really horrible.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm not going to get in to personal details but while the 3 schools here (elementary, junior high and high school) didn't ignore the bully that targeted my ds, they allowed his behavior to continue from elementary through high school.
The continued BS punishments and second chances went on for years and this kid NEVER changed. All he did was torment other kids through the years with never really having serious consequences.

Our district implemented PBIS a few years ago, it's pretty much become a joke, at least according to my youngest and his friends.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I'm not sure if there are any anti-bullying programs at my children's schools but both of them have always claimed that they have never been bullied nor have they ever even seen another child bullied.

Of course, my daughter started high school this year and I haven't asked her yet if there's any bullying there. I would expect that there is. But this is a fine-arts magnet school and my daughter is pretty much streamlined with the magnet kids, not the locally-zoned kids, so she may not see much of it. She did say that there are a lot of drugs. I don't know what her definition of "a lot" is.

When I asked my son if he'd ever seen any bullying at his elementary school he didn't even know what I was talking about. I described what bullying is and he looked horrified and said that no one at his school would ever do that. I volunteer in the school quite often and I have to say all the children do seem to get along well. We live in an area with a lot of cultural representation and I think that helps. No one is "different" because everyone is.