How Upset Would You Be...? MIL Related...

[MinnieFlute]

My DH's birthday and mine are a week apart. We go out to eat for our birthdays and I asked Chris to perhaps mention that I'd like a separate lunch this year (which we would have if we were, say, a month apart) and they said yes and then forgot and just did one. Silly? Totally. But it was how I felt because I felt a little left out. My family doesn't do much for my birthday, and I just wanted to feel special.

It turned out fine, BTW, I just dropped it... not worth getting worked up over (and I really think they forgot rather than ignoring me). So yes, it may be a little goofy to get worked up over stuff like this, but I get it

 

[Mrs.Reese]

Let it go......

Here's another in-law story to add to the fire. Christmas. They get my hubby a $200 gift card to Express. Me? I get $25 to Bath and Body Works. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. They take us to lunch. Hubby gets a card with $50 in it. I don't get a card. Hubby sees that I'm uncomfortable. Says, "I guess you meant for Mrs. Reese and I to split this?" DH is awesome.

Seriously though we have done the audacious crime to many of taking their babies away from them. Much like some fathers only tolerate their daughter's sons. Just let it go. It's not worth it.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Let it go......

Here's another in-law story to add to the fire. Christmas. They get my hubby a $200 gift card to Express. Me? I get $25 to Bath and Body Works. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. They take us to lunch. Hubby gets a card with $50 in it. I don't get a card. Hubby sees that I'm uncomfortable. Says, "I guess you meant for Mrs. Reese and I to split this?" DH is awesome.

Seriously though we have done the audacious crime to many of taking their babies away from them. Much like some fathers only tolerate their daughter's sons. Just let it go. It's not worth it.

Ouch, now that hurts.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Seriously? Why does it always have to be give and take and a balance sheet of "happys" and "congratulations". Life is not one big equal page. If you remember her holidays? Great for you. If she forgets, shouldn't be an issue. Your holidays, particularly with your husband are yours. You should not need validation from others to celebrate or be happy. Why not just enjoy when people remember, and feel proud that you remember others'. Why take it badly ever? It just makes you look smaller. Your holidays are yours -- not others. You don;t need others -- just your own joy. I think grudges and lists about who remembers and who doesn't are simply silly. But that is me. I celebrate every moment with my husband -- but I do not expect the rest of the world to stop.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My MIL is the kind of person who EXPECTS (and gets absolutely upset if she doesn't get) the "treatment" (presents, endless phone calls, cards, dinners, etc.) on her birthday. (Mother's Day, Christmas, etc., are no exception.) If you wait, in her opinion, too long to call her that day, it's an issue.

Last year, aside from a phone call at the end of the day to DH to see if we made it to Florida alright (we were on vacation, and it happened to be my birthday), she totally forgot my birthday. Not so much as a card, a present, the suggestion of a meal... nothing... when we got back home. I let it roll off my back, because I don't need all of that, but it still hurt my feelings.

This year, again, aside from an end of the day phone call to DH, she forgot our first anniversary. It would have been nice to get even a card in the mail, but again, nothing. It really hurt my feelings. It was sort of like a slap in the face.

I always remember her on every holiday. I make her favorite cookies at Christmas, and we buy her whatever she asks for. On her birthday, it's the same thing, phone calls, cards, presents, dinner. I even call her on Mother's Day.

It's my birthday at the beginning of next month, and I already know she will probably, most likely forget it again, if history has anything to do with it.

I am tired of hurt feelings. Do I keep letting it roll off my back, or do I say something? What do I say? Am I being upset about nothing?

First, you have your dh do all the shopping, baking, outings, phone calls for his mom.

Second, you don't worry about what his MIL does.

There is a lack of reciprocity and you can't keep it up because becomes irritating.

 

[Mrs.Reese]

Ouch, now that hurts.

Yes but it's not worth getting angry about it. I long ago accepted that they will never like me much like I will never like them. We have very different views of life. The main one being that they think you should have as many children as god gives you and I don't believe in god. So things will never be a sitcom.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think I'm lost somewhere. Why do you expect your MIL to celebrate your birthday? Do you expect a card for your anniversary?

I think you really need to find a happy place with your MIL because she is going to be in your life for many more years. I get that she is high maintenance and needy and you I guess are feeling short changed because you do so much.

At some point you are going to have to just wrap your mind around how you want your relationship with your MIL to be. Chances are it isn't going to be the happy go lucky go get your nails done and shop for shoes. You are going to have to put away the resentment or it will affect your marriage. I can promise it.

We don't have one but two high maintenance moms and I understand how it can take a toll on a person and a marriage. Please figure out how to live with your MIL the way she is and just have your happy marriage. Your happiness and your happy marriage in no way depends on how the others outside you two treat you or your husband.

WOW!!!!

Amen, and AMEN!!!!!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I think an anniversary is something to be celebrated by the couple. I don't expect or want anyone else to acknowledge our anniversary and I don't acknowledge anyone elses, so I wouldn't be upset by that at all.

Your mil called on your birthday, so she did acknowledge it. I wouldn't be upset by her, as long as your dh is treating you well that's all that matters.

 

[Pigeon]

I guess I'm of the opinion that anniversaries are between the two parties involved. I don't remember anybody else's and I don't expect them to remember mine.

If you feel snubbed, take it all down a notch. Let it be your husband's job to do what he wants to do for her.

 

[DMRick]

I'm going to tell you how and why I deal with MIL and do all I do. Simply put it's because I love my husband with my whole short, fat body and I want to make things easier for him. I keep my relationship with her good and do things for her because it shows that I support my husband.

I know my husband does the same for my mom because he loves her.

Aww, and I bet you have a great marriage. I totally agree with you, and that's how it always worked here when my MIL and mom were alive.

Seriously? Why does it always have to be give and take and a balance sheet of "happys" and "congratulations". Life is not one big equal page. If you remember her holidays? Great for you. If she forgets, shouldn't be an issue. Your holidays, particularly with your husband are yours. You should not need validation from others to celebrate or be happy. Why not just enjoy when people remember, and feel proud that you remember others'. Why take it badly ever? It just makes you look smaller. Your holidays are yours -- not others. You don;t need others -- just your own joy. I think grudges and lists about who remembers and who doesn't are simply silly. But that is me. I celebrate every moment with my husband -- but I do not expect the rest of the world to stop.

Another well put post. If you let this stuff roll off you, and take it as, hey, that's the way it is, a lot less time is spent trying to figure out the why's. I would just accept it, and say to myself, he is her son, and I'm sure she has no idea I feel slighted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't get the double standard. Why can't WE forget, but she can and that's just fine.

Just because.....
She is self-centered and narcissistic.
Not gonna change. Not ever.

Learn to deal, and let it go!!!!!

PS: cards, and phone calls, and gifts, are one thing.
But, I do have to admit, in your shoes..... Heck would freeze over before I would go further or get more personal than that... (baking, etc......)

I don't know what it is with spouses (often men) but since they were raised to 'worship mother and/or father', they simply do not see that it is not healthy or appropriate to expect their wife to do the same.

Talk to your DH...
Take his lead....

 

[hentob]

This year, again, aside from an end of the day phone call to DH, she forgot our first anniversary. It would have been nice to get even a card in the mail, but again, nothing. It really hurt my feelings.

May I ask your age?

 

[AKL_Megs]

Just because.....
She is self-centered and narcissistic.
Not gonna change. Not ever.

Learn to deal, and let it go!!!!!

PS: cards, and phone calls, and gifts, are one thing.
But, I do have to admit, in your shoes..... Heck would freeze over before I would go further or get more personal than that... (baking, etc......)

I don't know what it is with spouses (often men) but since they were raised to 'worship mother and/or father', they simply do not see that it is not healthy or appropriate to expect their wife to do the same.

Talk to your DH...
Take his lead....

Thanks. I don't get it either. Who knows!

I'm going to start getting really generic with her. No need to do anything else, just the minimum. I'll put my efforts in people who actually appreciate it.

 

[AKL_Megs]

May I ask your age?

What does that matter? I'm 27.

 

[Carnie]

Let your DH deal with it.

My MIL hasn't sent my kids gifts in 3 years. Yet she goes on cruises and vacations, etc.

She says she has no money.

I stopped caring years ago. Not my mom, not my problem.

 

[Tink888]

My in-laws were both deceased by the time I married DH, I never met them so take my perspective FWIW.

If I was baking cookies, giving gifts etc. for my MIL's birthday, mother's day, etc, I'd be doing so because I either (1) genuinely liked her and wanted to build the relationship, or (2) was doing it because of my love for my DH. Either way, I wouldn't care whether or not the gestures were reciprocated. As long as my DH and my parents were remembering my birthday, etc. that would be good enough for me.

If it upsets you that these things aren't reciprocated, just have DH handle those occasions from here on out.

If she's been a good MIL to you in other ways, I'd let this roll off your back.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

What does that matter? I'm 27.

It matters because at a certain age, you choose your battles better. Stop with the balance sheet, and enjoy that you have relatives alive that care -- even if they don't remember dates that matter to you. Not a deal breaker. You need to get that what matters most to you does not matter most to everyone else.

 

[AKL_Megs]

It matters because at a certain age, you choose your battles better. Stop with the balance sheet, and enjoy that you have relatives alive that care -- even if they don't remember dates that matter to you. Not a deal breaker. You need to get that what matters most to you does not matter most to everyone else.

I get that. I still have the right to be hurt, even if I am pushing 30. I asked simply to get suggestions, and I got them, and then some, of course, per Dis standards

I'll let it slide... not worth it, as I now see.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that you're wise to let this go. You'll see that it's very minor in the overall scheme of things. I understand why it bothers you to some extent though. It's not fair but eh, things have a tendency to be unfair sometimes.

 

[bumbershoot]

I guess I have to suck it up and keep making her her damn cookies, don't I?

Well, no. You could have your DH make the cookies. Dh made cookies the other night b/c i was busy doing the finances and I'd promised cookies to DS earlier. His cookies were MUCH better tasting than what I usually make, even though it was the same darned recipe. (he always does that...cooks better, sews better, bakes better...)

I think an anniversary is something to be celebrated by the couple. I don't expect or want anyone else to acknowledge our anniversary and I don't acknowledge anyone elses, so I wouldn't be upset by that at all.

Your mil called on your birthday, so she did acknowledge it. I wouldn't be upset by her, as long as your dh is treating you well that's all that matters.

I agree with the first paragraph entirely. I don't pay any attention to anyone else's anniversary, and never expect anyone to remember ours.

But the second paragraph...i think the MIL just called to see if they got there. Didn't sound like there was any "happy birthdays" said.



OP, guess you could support your husband and make his life easier...or he could support you, he could deal with his mom, and make YOUR life easier.

We chose the way of DH making his wife's life easier, and letting MIL deal with it. MIL is unreasonable and ridiculous, and entirely hypocritical, and disliked me simply b/c I'm not Korean so it's been an uphill battle. I've given up the fight, and slowly she's come to see that I'm good to her son, her grandson, and even her, though I do it from afar. I don't do the birthday thing, I let DH call for xmas (do not ask why she celebrates that...she just got used to it when FIL was alive, even though he had converted to Buddhism...it's a mystery) and New Years (both western and Asian...but then again, it would be "bad luck" for a female to be the first to call or visit on the first day of the new year).

And slowly she's gotten a bit more normal. It's nice now. If I'd kept playing her game, bending over backwards, she'd still be the same scary lady that she was on our first meeting (wearing her diamonds and her furs, trying to make me cry since it had only been a matter of months since my mom died and she was going ON about mothers, and YES she was TRYING to get me to cry, but I didn't, so I "passed" though DH had fingernail marks in his palm for days afterwards). The nicest change is that she isn't as mean to her son! So it's made HIS life easier, too. Woo!