How Upset Would You Be...? MIL Related...

[AKL_Megs]

My MIL is the kind of person who EXPECTS (and gets absolutely upset if she doesn't get) the "treatment" (presents, endless phone calls, cards, dinners, etc.) on her birthday. (Mother's Day, Christmas, etc., are no exception.) If you wait, in her opinion, too long to call her that day, it's an issue.

Last year, aside from a phone call at the end of the day to DH to see if we made it to Florida alright (we were on vacation, and it happened to be my birthday), she totally forgot my birthday. Not so much as a card, a present, the suggestion of a meal... nothing... when we got back home. I let it roll off my back, because I don't need all of that, but it still hurt my feelings.

This year, again, aside from an end of the day phone call to DH, she forgot our first anniversary. It would have been nice to get even a card in the mail, but again, nothing. It really hurt my feelings. It was sort of like a slap in the face.

I always remember her on every holiday. I make her favorite cookies at Christmas, and we buy her whatever she asks for. On her birthday, it's the same thing, phone calls, cards, presents, dinner. I even call her on Mother's Day.

It's my birthday at the beginning of next month, and I already know she will probably, most likely forget it again, if history has anything to do with it.

I am tired of hurt feelings. Do I keep letting it roll off my back, or do I say something? What do I say? Am I being upset about nothing?

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

You probably don't want to get me started.

Let it roll off your back. Life is too short.

Maybe you should stop working so hard for HER just because she EXPECTS it. If you are doing it because you want to, then so be it.

 

[AKL_Megs]

You probably don't want to get me started.

Let it roll off your back. Life is too short.

Maybe you should stop working so hard for HER just because she EXPECTS it. If you are doing it because you want to, then so be it.

Eh, I used to "want" to, but I almost don't care anymore. Why bother.

 

[MinnieGirl33]

First I want to say "Been there, done that".

I am one who believes you have to assume she doesn't realize the snub UNTIL she does it again after it's been brought up.

If it bothers you I would absolutely address it... and then see what happens next time. If she does it again then I'd be totally justified in taking it personally.

Now, I also want to say that you have to get in a mindset of giving because you want to give, not because it's expected of you or because you hope it will be reciprocated. Let's face it, human nature wants that reciprocation as a form of validation.

If you don't feel it is necessary to acknowledge something then DON'T. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into it. If you want to, then by all means... Personally I would rather no acknowledgement than an insincere one but that's me.

The sooner you stop allowing for the possibility of disappointment the sooner you will stop being disappointed. People only treat you like **** if you let them.

 

[Pumbaa_]

my bday was never acknowledged by my inlaws (fil and step-mil)

DH choice what he chose to do. Heck they ignored his bday too for the most part

pass htis one off and pass hte baton to your DH. His mother, he gets to deal and get cards, etc

You get a pass on this one

 

[MichelleVW]

My MIL is the kind of person who EXPECTS (and gets absolutely upset if she doesn't get) the "treatment" (presents, endless phone calls, cards, dinners, etc.) on her birthday. (Mother's Day, Christmas, etc., are no exception.) If you wait, in her opinion, too long to call her that day, it's an issue.

Last year, aside from a phone call at the end of the day to DH to see if we made it to Florida alright (we were on vacation, and it happened to be my birthday), she totally forgot my birthday. Not so much as a card, a present, the suggestion of a meal... nothing... when we got back home. I let it roll off my back, because I don't need all of that, but it still hurt my feelings.

This year, again, aside from an end of the day phone call to DH, she forgot our first anniversary. It would have been nice to get even a card in the mail, but again, nothing. It really hurt my feelings. It was sort of like a slap in the face.

I always remember her on every holiday. I make her favorite cookies at Christmas, and we buy her whatever she asks for. On her birthday, it's the same thing, phone calls, cards, presents, dinner. I even call her on Mother's Day.

It's my birthday at the beginning of next month, and I already know she will probably, most likely forget it again, if history has anything to do with it.

I am tired of hurt feelings. Do I keep letting it roll off my back, or do I say something? What do I say? Am I being upset about nothing?

I don't think my MIL knows my birthday or our anniversary. So, no, I wouldn't get upset and I think it's a little silly to get your feelings hurt because your husband's mother doesn't tell you happy birthday.

 

[AlleyKat]

If you don't feel it is necessary to acknowledge something then DON'T. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into it. If you want to, then by all means... Personally I would rather no acknowledgement than an insincere one but that's me.

The sooner you stop allowing for the possibility of disappointment the sooner you will stop being disappointed. People only treat you like s**t if you let them.

The above post sums the situation up nicely!

It's highly unlikely that she forgot your first anniversary (unless she has dementia).

The next time she brings up the subject of a celebration, tell her you're going to get her what she got you.

 

[AKL_Megs]

The above post sums the situation up nicely!

It's highly unlikely that she forgot your first anniversary (unless she has dementia).

The next time she brings up the subject of a celebration, tell her you're going to get her what she got you.

I already lost the recipe to the cookies!

 

[phorsenuf]

Truthfully? I think you need to grow up. It's not like you're 6 or something. You are a grown woman. As long as your husband remembered that's all that should matter, right?

It bothers you the way your MIL behaves but here you are complaining that she isn't doing anything for you. Just let it go and move on.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I'm usually the one who forgets something. My life is too busy to be acknowledging every Hallmark moment. As far as I'm concerned, birthdays and Christmas are plenty of giving and receiving for gifts and cards. Other dates can be a phone call.

Personally, I would be fine without celebrating Mother's Day and anniversaries. I usually give a gift and card to my in-laws for Mother's/Father's Day and don't bother with their anniversary. MIL and I have discussed this over the years so we're good with each other.

My point is that you should establish now what dates/events you want to consistently celebrate or not through the years. If you cut back now, it will make things easier in the long run. You'll probably have kids one day, and you have to celebrate their birthdays. Celebrating many "holidays" becomes cumbersome over time.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Truthfully? I think you need to grow up. It's not like you're 6 or something. You are a grown woman. As long as your husband remembered that's all that should matter, right?

It bothers you the way your MIL behaves but here you are complaining that she isn't doing anything for you. Just let it go and move on.

But I am not complaining to her... that is the difference. I'm not having a fit and making a big deal of it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think I'm lost somewhere. Why do you expect your MIL to celebrate your birthday? Do you expect a card for your anniversary?

I think you really need to find a happy place with your MIL because she is going to be in your life for many more years. I get that she is high maintenance and needy and you I guess are feeling short changed because you do so much.

At some point you are going to have to just wrap your mind around how you want your relationship with your MIL to be. Chances are it isn't going to be the happy go lucky go get your nails done and shop for shoes. You are going to have to put away the resentment or it will affect your marriage. I can promise it.

We don't have one but two high maintenance moms and I understand how it can take a toll on a person and a marriage. Please figure out how to live with your MIL the way she is and just have your happy marriage. Your happiness and your happy marriage in no way depends on how the others outside you two treat you or your husband.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I think I'm lost somewhere. Why do you expect your MIL to celebrate your birthday? Do you expect a card for your anniversary?

I think you really need to find a happy place with your MIL because she is going to be in your life for many more years. I get that she is high maintenance and needy and you I guess are feeling short changed because you do so much.

I honestly don't care that she chooses to forget my birthday, and I don't expect EVERY anniversary to be remembered (this was our first), but it will be a cold day in hell when I keep doing for her, doing for her, doing for her, and she forgets about me. I guess I answered my own question - I am going to stop.

 

[scrapquitler]

My MIL is the kind of person who EXPECTS (and gets absolutely upset if she doesn't get) the "treatment" (presents, endless phone calls, cards, dinners, etc.) on her birthday. (Mother's Day, Christmas, etc., are no exception.) If you wait, in her opinion, too long to call her that day, it's an issue.

Do we have the same MIL? If we don't call her by noon on her birthday, FIL calls us and says "she's in the other room crying because she thinks you don't care that its her birthday".

But I have to ask, if you think she's a pain because she's so into it being her birthday, why are you letting her not celebrating yours bother you? Maybe she's doing some passive agressive thing to make you feel guilty for not making enough of a big deal about her? And if that is the case, then letting it bug you is only playing into her little game.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Do we have the same MIL? If we don't call her by noon on her birthday, FIL calls us and says "she's in the other room crying because she thinks you don't care that its her birthday".

But I have to ask, if you think she's a pain because she's so into it being her birthday, why are you letting her not celebrating yours bother you? Maybe she's doing some passive agressive thing to make you feel guilty for not making enough of a big deal about her? And if that is the case, then letting it bug you is only playing into her little game.

This is true!

I just don't get the double standard. Why can't WE forget, but she can and that's just fine.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I honestly don't care that she chooses to forget my birthday, and I don't expect EVERY anniversary to be remembered (this was our first), but it will be a cold day in hell when I keep doing for her, doing for her, doing for her, and she forgets about me. I guess I answered my own question - I am going to stop.

I'm going to tell you how and why I deal with MIL and do all I do. Simply put it's because I love my husband with my whole short, fat body and I want to make things easier for him. I keep my relationship with her good and do things for her because it shows that I support my husband.


I know my husband does the same for my mom because he loves her.

 

[C.Ann]

From now on let your DH do the "high maintenance".. It's his mother, not yours..

 

[AKL_Megs]

I'm going to tell you how and why I deal with MIL and do all I do. Simply put it's because I love my husband with my whole short, fat body and I want to make things easier for him. I keep my relationship with her good and do things for her because it shows that I support my husband.


I know my husband does the same for my mom because he loves her.

Eh, why do you have to be so RIGHT!!!

I guess I have to suck it up and keep making her her damn cookies, don't I?

This says it all, and makes me look at it differently. Thank you.

 

[KiminChicago]

Honestly, I wish my MIL would just call for my birthday instead of needing a big party. I'm 50 for goodness sake!

We have to have a party for everyone's birthday, and heaven help you if you suggest skipping one. My FIL and my son have birthdays one week apart, in late October, early November. So in addition to the kids' Halloween celebration, we had to have a party for FIL and a separate party for DS, then try and get ready for Thanksgiving and the holidays. She used to also expect us to come to Mass at her church on the anniversary of her parents' deaths (also in November) and their anniversary. One year we were having trouble trying to find free weekends to hold my son's parties (one with family, another with classmates) and I suggested that we celebrate FIL's birthday and DS's birthday at the same time. You would have thought that I suggested we shoot DFIL. No way, no how could we celebrate both birthdays at the same time.

Between DH's family and mine, there are birthdays every single month and some months have multiples. If we had an individual party for every birthday, I'd hardly ever have a free weekend. I also had to put my foot down when MIL suggested "stopping by for cake" on the weekend DH and I celebrated our first anniversary. I had to explain to DMIL and DH that if she expected grandkids, I expected to be able to celebrate my anniversary with DH alone!

Just saying, the other side of the coin isn't always great either!

 

[ols386]

I honestly don't care that she chooses to forget my birthday, and I don't expect EVERY anniversary to be remembered (this was our first), but it will be a cold day in hell when I keep doing for her, doing for her, doing for her, and she forgets about me. I guess I answered my own question - I am going to stop.

The thing is, it sounds like you do care. In your original post you said that it hurt your feelings, and honestly, it would probably hurt my feelings too if I were in your shoes.

Since she is your MIL, I think I'd just turn it all over to your dh. Let him be the one who calls her on her birthday, or sends her birthday cards, or whatever. It might be less stressful if you turn it over to him. She is his mother, so ultimately, it's his responsibility.