How to tell a child you're going to Disney without them?

[ronnmel]

Not sure if I'm posting this in the right section, Please direct me to a better section if this isn't it.

A bit of background...

Last summer my fiance and I went to Disney with his then 10 y.o. daughter. We all loved it. We didn't think it would be financially possible for us to come back anytime soon, as we are getting married next year. Plus, we want to start trying to have kids soon after, and we prefer to wait until they are a bit older before bringing them, and thus bringing her back.

Well... we just can't get Disney out of our heads. So now we want to go on a Disneymoon a few months after (I'm a teacher, need to wait untl summer to travel). At first we were not even going to have a honeymoon, as we are having a destination wedding in the Carribean, but I think it will be possible for me to save enough money for a real honeymoon.

There are two reasons why we are not bringing his daughter with us. One, we would need to save up a lot more money, as she pays adult pricing. But mainly, it will be our ONLY opportunity to travel just the two of us (well, until we retire. LOL) It just so happens that we want to go to a place children love instead of Vegas or an all-inclusive...

How do we tell my fiance's daughter that we want to travel to Disney without her, without hurting her feelings *too much*?

 

[nurse.darcy]

You don't. You tell her what a honeymoon is about "sort of" and then let her know that you and "daddy" will be unavailable during that time. She is 10 and her desires/wishes/wants are on a need to know basis. If you choose to tell her, make sure you establish the honeymoon rules first. . .

 

[Minniemama350]

You don't. You tell her what a honeymoon is about "sort of" and then let her know that you and "daddy" will be unavailable during that time. She is 10 and her desires/wishes/wants are on a need to know basis. If you choose to tell her, make sure you establish the honeymoon rules first. . .

 

[ronnmel]

Wow. I did not expect that kind of answer. She will be 12 by the time we want to go, and I kind of think she would ask us where we would be going on our honeymoon. I would feel bad either lying to her, or staying vague... Plus, she would want to see pictures when we come back, no?

How would we handle all the questionning then if we chose not to say anything at first?

 

[tessa67]

Is there anyway she can meet you all at Disney towards the end of the honeymoon and you all spend the last few days enjoying the parks as a family? If she is 12 then she is old enough to fly by herself and you all could pick her up at the airport, or someone could travel to Orlando with her.

It just doesn't sound like a good idea to me to get married, go to Disney, and tell the child you are both unavailable. It sounds like a situation that could affect her relationship with YOU.

From the child's perspective her daddy is getting remarried and then taking off to Kid's Paradise without her and being told he will be unavailable!!?? Ouch!

A destination wedding sounds pretty expensive, isn't there some place you can trim a few dollars to be able to afford for her to join you at the end?

And as far as not trips alone together until you retire, that sounds a bit farfetched to me.

I think including her at the end of the honeymoon would be a wonderful way to start your family together.

 

[Janet Hill]

My daughter was 12 when I remarried and there's no way I would have gone on a trip like this without her. So don't let her know your honeymoon destination. This is the exact worse age for a child to accept a step parent. Remember this is adolesence, puberty and raging horomones. Life is all about her.

Oh and when I told my daughter, I was pregnant, she didn't speak to me for a few weeks.

I would include her as much as possible. Like pp said let her join you for at least part of the trip.

That said she grew up and loves her little brother and sister.

 

[JenVi]

My step sons were 10 1/2 when we got married. We got married in Grand Cayman. They came for our first week there and stood up with us as we got married. They went back home with Grandma and we spent our second week by ourselves. Isn't there anyway you could incorporate your soon to be sd into the trip. I think it would be a great start to your new family.

Jen

 

[ronnmel]

Given that she wouldn't be charged for the room, it would be almost just as expensive having her come to Disney for just a few days as opposed to a week. The plane ticket alone is about a 1000$. :-(

She will be coming with us to the destination wedding and will be included in the ceremony through a sand ceremony. She'll be sleeping a few nights with us, and a few nights with the grandparents.

Trust me, with the size of my fiance's family/friends and what they expect out of weddings, it is MUCH cheaper to get married abroad. We are saving close to 15 000$ and are cutting EVERY corner we can already.

We really do not make a lot of money, that is why I say we probably won't take any other trips alone until our kids leave the nest (aside from weekend getaways to a nearby city). We can only hope to travel with our kids once very 6-7 years. We didn't even think we could afford this Disneymoon, but I believe I can save up enough money and we plan to do a very budget trip (value resort, value season, sharing quick-service meals, etc.)

Oh, forgot to say, to sort of make up for not bringing her, we plan on bringing her to Canada's Wonderland this summer (will drive there and stay at a cousin's house to save money).

Not the answers I was looking for, though I understand why. :-(

 

[twinklebug]

To tell her that you'll be at Disney the entire trip without her is a bit too harsh. Were I in your shoes and I knew the secret would get out and I had to tell her, I would change the plans up a bit, take the focus off of Disney.

As an idea, would you consider splitting your time between Disney and another location such as a beach resort? I think the news that her dad and you will be taking in more than just the Disney magic would soften the blow.

... and add that you're planning a family trip with her for as soon as possible (for both her sake as well as for your own Disney withdrawal) and include her in the planning.

 

[GrtWtNorth]

This is hard. Unfortunately, I don't think you have a say in all this. Despite the marriage, you're not the parent, your fiance is. Your fiance is going to have to decide if she comes or not.

Telling your step-daughter that she can't come on your Walt Disney World honeymoon could be the first big step towards a Cinderella / Wicked Stepmother relationship.

What can you do? Be supportive. Listen. Understand. If this is going to cause a serious family rift, then maybe you should put off your honeymoon until you're more secure in your role as wife and step-mother. A little sacrifice for long-term peace...

I've seen a lot of blended families, and step-parenting adolescents and teenagers is very stressful and demanding. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[duffy]

You don't. You tell her what a honeymoon is about "sort of" and then let her know that you and "daddy" will be unavailable during that time. She is 10 and her desires/wishes/wants are on a need to know basis. If you choose to tell her, make sure you establish the honeymoon rules first. . .

I agree with this, sorta.

I think it's important for the parents to be available. I think it's also important for the daughter to know that a newly-wed couple goes on a honeymoon, to spend time together celebrating their love before settling down to the nitty-gritty of raising a family and sharing daily lives.

Actually, she's 10, I'd be very surprised if she didn't know what a honeymoon is already!

And I see nothing wrong with telling her that you are going to WDW. Tell her that there will be another family trip later-perhaps in a few years? Otherwise, she's going to wonder where you went and why it's such a big deal that you didn't tell her.

My husband and I went on our 25th anniversary trip a few years ago with our then-12 year old, and a neice. No way was I leaving our daughter behind, I would have felt too bad. But, this November, my husband and I are going to go down for a long weekend, and we're leaving our daughter behind. She'll be fine.

 

[Gwendolyn]

I am a stepdaughter. And it was really really hard that my dad went away on vacation without me. Even though it was his honeymoon. I felt shoved aside by my dad back then. New wife, no room for his kids.

Now I know that parents and even stepparents need time without kids. And I can understand now. But no way I understood it when I was younger.

It's less harsh for kids when you go on honeymoon, when they are already schedualled to be with the other parents. So that life goes on as normal.
If you go on honeymoon when the kids are suppost to the newly wed parent, they will feel like they are shoved aside.

So think wise. Make sure you plan the honeymoon in a wise period. Make sure it doesnt take away time with her dad when she is there. If it does, ask her mother if your fiance can have extra time with his daughter when you are back from honeymoon. Going on a (road) trip in your area, maybe camping?

I dont know how the relationship between your fiance and his daughters mother is, maybe she can have her own family vacation in the Orlando area, and then your husband can invite your stepdaughter to join you on your trip for some days.

 

[Carl Fredricksen]

It just doesn't sound like a good idea to me to get married, go to Disney, and tell the child you are both unavailable. It sounds like a situation that could affect her relationship with YOU.

From the child's perspective her daddy is getting remarried and then taking off to Kid's Paradise without her and being told he will be unavailable!!?? Ouch!

A destination wedding sounds pretty expensive, isn't there some place you can trim a few dollars to be able to afford for her to join you at the end?

And as far as not trips alone together until you retire, that sounds a bit farfetched to me.

I think including her at the end of the honeymoon would be a wonderful way to start your family together.

I agree. If you go to Disney, she should come along. She is at the age where Disney is the mecca of all kid-dom, and she will remember it forever if she is not included. Besides, half the fun of Disney is having kids around to remind us what that magic is all about! Plus, she is going to get older quick, and Disney doesn't hold the same magic for teenagers, that it does for a 12 year old.

You'll have time later in life to travel together alone. IMO, this is a compromise you make when you become a step parent to an older child. You need to accommodate within reason to establish that relationship early on, or you'll always just be the woman who stole her daddy and took him to Disney without her.

Take a shorter Disney trip with her to celebrate the new family, and you and new hubby can sneak away for a weekend getaway somewhere romantic before the end of summer. Should work out about the same financially, and will be so much better for the relationships.

 

[ronnmel]

I appreciate everyone's input, but we are not changing our minds. My FI (her dad) actually thinks she'll take the news quite well, I'm the one that's more worried. (Probably because, as some have mentionned, I am the step-mother and afraid she wouldn't accept me. She's been great so far though.) Like he says, she has been to Disneyworld without him (his parents took her 2 years ago), and last summer, eaxctly one week after we all went to Disney together, her mom brought her back to Orlando to visit Universal Studio for a week. She even enjoyed it more than Disney, because she is already growing out of the magic and way mroe into the thrill rides.

When we came back from Disney we said we would all go back as a family in 7-8 years, and that is what we'll do. Unless we somehow can afford it before. Of course she'll be included in that trip, and even be allowed to bring a friend (or boyfriend by then. LOL)

Thanks everyone.

 

[MomtoEmIs&Ow]

I think that you should go alone. My husband & I went to Cuba ALONE in Nov. THis was the first time that we had gone away alone together for more than 2 nights. WE have 3 kids. Our oldest is 14 (not my husbands bio child), and she really wanted to go too. She was the most upset the night we left.

But I think that kids need to understand that they can not do everything with their parents. Parents need time together so they can get through everday stuff and keep their relationship in tact.

It sounds like your soon to be step daughter gets to do things with her mother too, so she probably is not hard done by. I know that is a generalization but really, kids that do get to go on trips are lucky! Travel is a privelage not a right.

SO let your FH tell her, and the two of you can re-assure her that the family trip down the road is still to come. For all you know her mother may take her somewhere soon.......

Enjoy your honeymoon!

 

[duffy]

I think that you should go alone. My husband & I went to Cuba ALONE in Nov. THis was the first time that we had gone away alone together for more than 2 nights. WE have 3 kids. Our oldest is 14 (not my husbands bio child), and she really wanted to go too. She was the most upset the night we left.

But I think that kids need to understand that they can not do everything with their parents. Parents need time together so they can get through everday stuff and keep their relationship in tact.

It sounds like your soon to be step daughter gets to do things with her mother too, so she probably is not hard done by. I know that is a generalization but really, kids that do get to go on trips are lucky! Travel is a privelage not a right.

SO let your FH tell her, and the two of you can re-assure her that the family trip down the road is still to come. For all you know her mother may take her somewhere soon.......

Enjoy your honeymoon!

Totally agree.

For the record, I just asked my 14-year old daughter what she thought, and she said that she thought it would be "weird" to be brought along on somebody's honeymoon. She said that she would feel out of place and that she would "suck it up!"

How's this for another point of view: years ago, one of my other daughters got to go to Disney World PARIS!! I didn't get to go! Hey, she had the opportunity, and she took it. Good for her.

Another daughter attended WDW from Dec. 26, 1999 to Jan. 2, 2000, with her school, and without her parents. Again, I didn't go, and didn't begrudge her the trip. I realized that my time would come, and it did.

That's a valuable lesson to teach ALL kids: this isn't about you. The world doesn't revolve around you and your desires. There WILL be a time when you can go again, so be patient.

 

[ronnmel]

Thanks MomtoEmIs&Ow and Duffy! You both put into words what was in my mind. I especially appreciate to get the point of view from your 14 y.o. daughter.

 

[suzannecstarr]

Why not just say you're going to Florida? I wouldn't tell her that the trip is to Disney specifically. If my Dad took my Stepmom to Disney and left me home, I would be heartbroken, angry and resentful.

 

[VictoriaT]

I think you should just tell her- 10 year olds understand what honeymoons are! They understand much more than you think! I am taking my DH for a suprise trip the end of September (go free dining! ), and I told our kids DD12, DS9 and DS7 that mom and dad were going to DW for a surprise for dad since we honeymooned there 15 years ago. They were all fine with it- I am sure your fiance's daughter will be as well! Have fun!

 

[Poohbug]

So much depends on her relationship with you and her father. If she is taking her Dad's relationship with someone other than her mother well, then I would not give it a second thought. Go, have fun, and take advantage of the time you get to spend together.

I would just tell her what you are doing. Kids are not dumb. I think she would appreciate the truth. My DH and I are going to WDW this weekend. The kids know that this is a "Mommy and Daddy" time. They are excited to stay with Grandma and Uncle Paul and I am excited to have more than one drink at WS. No one is sad or upset at all.

Of course your situation is different because you will be a step parent and she may feel you are taking her father away. Only you and her father can make the decision to go or not, but either way, she is old enough to be told about it.