how to talk to a friend about money?

[collegejunkie]

we've been friends since 7th grade, we are seniors in college. she has lived in my town with her grandparents footing the bill, but that has never been a problem because if she didn't have the money to go out with other friends and me, then we would just go to someone's house and watch movies or bake or something. i think we're mostly good about not letting money get in the way of our friendship or us hanging out.

however, she did the DCP last spring semester and since then has been saying that she, myself, and another friend of ours should go to disney for spring break. since it's october and nothing is planned, she messaged us and her plan was to drive either my car or our other friend's car down (she doesn't have one), use my timeshare to stay in orlando, and then drive back up while getting 2 day park tickets. now, i had no idea that she thought that we would be using my timeshare (and there was never any discussion of that whatsoever), so my family already has a trip booked with it for the summer and i told her that. she got angry and said i was "selfish" and then after she calmed down, she now said that she will drive down if we stay for 3 nights at a motel 6 type place and then come back. i said i was not willing to drive 20 hours from NY one way for 3 nights and that i would likely not even fly for that short a trip as well. so now she's mad at me for "ruining her spring break". i think she will get over the spring break aspect of it, but since then, she's been calling me a diva and saying i'm a spoiled brat, which is not very nice considering i have always been pretty careful about bringing that up and have helped her at other times without expecting anything in return. so i would like to have a conversation about how to handle things in the future, but i don't see how to do it without her saying something about how i get/have/do more than she does.

what's the best way to handle this? she is one of my best friends and this is the first time anything like this has been a problem.

 

[dakcp2001]

I would probably lead with "drive your own car, stay at your own timeshare, and get a job you lazy bum" but that is just me. But I don't care much for moochers, and the only thing worse than a moocher is a "guilt trip" user.

I know you are friends, but sounds like you might need to distance yourself and take a short break. You are blatantly ignoring this person using you and that is not a real friend. YOU did not ruin her spring break. You ruined the spring break she planned to mooch off of her friends for. Imagine a trip with this person, can she pay for gas? Can she pay for meals? Tickets? Do yourself a favor and do not vacation with her.

 

[disykat]

LOL - She's mad because you aren't driving her to WDW and giving her a free place to stay? She's calling you names? Sorry, by definition she is not a friend.

 

[MrsPete]

I grew up the kid with no money, and it's not easy. Also, I understand her desire to make y'all's last spring break someting special. However, I can't justify her actions in any way. First, she's rude to just assume that your family's timeshare would be available for her use. Second, I don't see how she can think that you're being selfish for not blindly going along with her plans -- when she made them without your input.

I think you're being both kind and wise NOT to toss out a 10-year friendship over something like this.

Ignoring the problem won't help, so I suggest that you wait for the right time and dive into the problem: Start with, "We've been friends for so long, and I hate to think anything's coming between us, but we have to talk about something, and although it's hard to say, I don't want it to wreck our friendship." Then lay it out just like you laid it out here: You had the fortune to be born into a family that can give you more financially. You understand that her family isn't so lucky, and it's never been a problem before. But now this situation . . .

 

[collegejunkie]

yeah, it's weird. this has only just started happening. i'm not sure if it's the pressure of her finding a job and figuring out her future or what is going on because of graduation, but all of a sudden i'm a brat. i'm not really sure what's going on.

we'll probably see each other over thanksgiving break so i think that might be the best time to talk about it, in person.

 

[MrsPete]

yeah, it's weird. this has only just started happening. i'm not sure if it's the pressure of her finding a job and figuring out her future or what is going on because of graduation, but all of a sudden i'm a brat. i'm not really sure what's going on.

I'd be willing to bet it does have to do with graduation.

It's scary enough to approach graduation when you have a family supporting you; it's worse when you're on your own financially. As I said in my previous post, I was the kid with no financial help from my family, and the first two years out of college were MUCH HARDER than college itself. In school I had some financial aid and some small scholarships, and I had a job with residence life that paid my dorm room. After graduation, all that stopped. I had to buy a car immediately. I had to come up with professional clothing. I had to live somewhere. I was nervous about leaving my college friends. And even in the prosperous 80s, I didn't find a job right away, and if I'd needed to move, I didn't have money to make that happen. It was stressful.

I'd be willing to bet that's what's behind her attitude. That doesn't make it okay, but it might explain part of the problem.

 

[dakcp2001]

I hate to be the mean one here, but it sounds to me like she has a problem with "entitlement".

 

[Goofyluver]

I don't think this is a conversation about money.

This is a conversation about your friendship. Friends do not presume that they have permission to take advantage of each other, call each other names such as "selfish", or get angry when others don't do what they want.

REAL friends have discussions about plans they have that include others and how those plans can be achieved. They ASK each other for help on brainstorming for solutions, whether that be how to take a vacation together or their relationship itself.

Your friend's actions may relate themselves to what sort of lifestyle you may have access to, but her behavior is rooted within her personality. It's hard for me to believe this is the first time her attitude has come to the forefront.

Your conversation doesn't have to focus on money. It can focus on how her actions, attitude and behavior have distanced you from her and how hurt you are.

 

[golfgal]

You are a senior in college and you own a timeshare already?

 

[dakcp2001]

You are a senior in college and you own a timeshare already?

I am guessing it belongs to her parents.

 

[Goofyluver]

You are a senior in college and you own a timeshare already?

So, if you were her friend, would you be ticked that she wouldn't take you on a paid vacation?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

we've been friends since 7th grade, we are seniors in college. she has lived in my town with her grandparents footing the bill, but that has never been a problem because if she didn't have the money to go out with other friends and me, then we would just go to someone's house and watch movies or bake or something. i think we're mostly good about not letting money get in the way of our friendship or us hanging out.

however, she did the DCP last spring semester and since then has been saying that she, myself, and another friend of ours should go to disney for spring break. since it's october and nothing is planned, she messaged us and her plan was to drive either my car or our other friend's car down (she doesn't have one), use my timeshare to stay in orlando, and then drive back up while getting 2 day park tickets. now, i had no idea that she thought that we would be using my timeshare (and there was never any discussion of that whatsoever), so my family already has a trip booked with it for the summer and i told her that. she got angry and said i was "selfish" and then after she calmed down, she now said that she will drive down if we stay for 3 nights at a motel 6 type place and then come back. i said i was not willing to drive 20 hours from NY one way for 3 nights and that i would likely not even fly for that short a trip as well. so now she's mad at me for "ruining her spring break". i think she will get over the spring break aspect of it, but since then, she's been calling me a diva and saying i'm a spoiled brat, which is not very nice considering i have always been pretty careful about bringing that up and have helped her at other times without expecting anything in return. so i would like to have a conversation about how to handle things in the future, but i don't see how to do it without her saying something about how i get/have/do more than she does.

what's the best way to handle this? she is one of my best friends and this is the first time anything like this has been a problem.

OK, this is a problem of the "gimmies" or entitlement. Since you DO have more she expects you to sacrifice at your expense because as you stated above...i have always been pretty careful about bringing that up and have helped her at other times without expecting anything in return.

As other posters have said she is probably feeling the pinch of reality and wants to be showered since her college time is coming to an end. You are sort of like her "surrogate" if you will.

As far as what to do? I would revert back to manipulation blocking tactics 101 in this situation and when you tell her "no" for something and then she complains or insults you, then you say..."I am sorry you feel that way". Repeat this in one form or another when she pulls out this tactic because that is what it is. She is trying to manipulate you so she can get her way.

As her friend you want to try and keep the peace so the less you say the better at this time. Keep saying, I am sorry you feel like that, I am sorry this or that.

In this way you stop the "fight" she wants to have with you and whatever is bugging her can be worked through on her own time.

 

[eliza61]

what's the best way to handle this? she is one of my best friends and this is the first time anything like this has been a problem.

Ok, she is one of your best friends and that means you know her pretty well. Is this the first time she's behaved like this? You do say this is the first time any thing like this has been a problem.

If one of my life long friends starting wacking out on me, I would not simply write them off.

Is there some thing else going on in her life? have you asked?

Sorry I don;t agree with the "entitlement" excuse. People don't just wake up one day with the "entitlement" attitude. If she was like this you would have definitely known about it before.

Truthfully everyone here is saying she's not a "real" friend but you're dropping the ball also IMO. My real friends would be asking every day "is every thing alright" if I started acting abnormally.

Step up and make sure she's ok.

 

[Dancind]

Something like this just happened with my DD. She has a fairly new car compared to most of her friends, so her "best" friend made a plan that DD would drive them to Denver for the four day fall break. It's 8 hours a way, so that's basically two days of travel for two days of play.

DD got home and thought about it, we pointed out that she needs new tires before a road trip like that, and then she found out she couldn't get off work anyway. Then she told her friend she couldn't do it. Hasn't seen her since. Although the girl is still using our Netflix password to watch instant movies on her laptop! Need to go change that...

I don't get the entitlement attitude.

 

[collegejunkie]

i did ask her if something was wrong; that was my first reaction. but she kept insisting that it was because i wasn't being flexible enough for her spring break trip so i just said i was sorry and that i wasn't able to travel on her terms, and that she could still go without me if she wanted and that i wouldn't be upset. we've talked since but it's been a little weird.

she gets mad about a lot of things, but it usually is gone fairly soon. for example, she will get upset that i go to a private school and she doesn't -- but she never applied, and she would have gotten great aid if she had been accepted and decided to come (dbf comes here for near-free because of the aid packages they give). she also gets mad that she won't make as much as i will in the future. well, i want to be a doctor, and she wants to be a college career counselor. that was a choice she made and this is the choice i made. it's things like that where she wants to do what she wants and still expects to get what everyone else will even though there are clear rules/established ways that these things work. if she wanted to go into medicine, then she certainly could have. i never talk about being a doctor for the money or anything like that, so i don't know why she always brings it back to that. i love science, i love helping people, and medicine is really cool to me, just like advising students on graduate schools and programs are fun for her.

so maybe it is an attitude thing, but then how do i bring that up starting with the spring break trip without then seeming like i'm attacking her character? i don't really get where the frustration/anger is coming from, unless it's really just extreme jealousy or something that i'm not understanding. and if it is this, then what should i do in that case?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

i did ask her if something was wrong; that was my first reaction. but she kept insisting that it was because i wasn't being flexible enough for her spring break trip so i just said i was sorry and that i wasn't able to travel on her terms, and that she could still go without me if she wanted and that i wouldn't be upset. we've talked since but it's been a little weird.

she gets mad about a lot of things, but it usually is gone fairly soon. for example, she will get upset that i go to a private school and she doesn't -- but she never applied, and she would have gotten great aid if she had been accepted and decided to come (dbf comes here for near-free because of the aid packages they give). she also gets mad that she won't make as much as i will in the future. well, i want to be a doctor, and she wants to be a college career counselor. that was a choice she made and this is the choice i made. it's things like that where she wants to do what she wants and still expects to get what everyone else will even though there are clear rules/established ways that these things work. if she wanted to go into medicine, then she certainly could have. i never talk about being a doctor for the money or anything like that, so i don't know why she always brings it back to that. i love science, i love helping people, and medicine is really cool to me, just like advising students on graduate schools and programs are fun for her.

so maybe it is an attitude thing, but then how do i bring that up starting with the spring break trip without then seeming like i'm attacking her character? i don't really get where the frustration/anger is coming from, unless it's really just extreme jealousy or something that i'm not understanding. and if it is this, then what should i do in that case?

Stop right there. You have already addressed it with her so you are done. There is no need for any further discussion with her about spring break. Drop it.

Also you do not have to figure out anything with your friend. You already know her attitude is poor at this time in her life. No matter the reason it is not something you can "fix".

So what do you do? First off, do not fall for anymore manipulation tactics from her and frankly you handled it A+ with the spring break thing. i was sorry and that i wasn't able to travel on her terms, and that she could still go without me if she wanted and that i wouldn't be upset.

Keep doing that with her. When you are faced with something that she is complaining about you say...."sorry you feel that way". It is an easy response that stops the "complaining" dead in it's tracks. She would rather you say something that she can sink her teeth into and complain some more & keep the conversation going.

 

[dfchelbay]

How about you tell her she needs to get a job, and earn her own way in the world. Seems everyone around her is enabling her "mooch" mentality. If she doesn't have to pay living expenses, why doesn't she have any money? Sounds as if she may be lazy.

 

[marcemc]

LOL - She's mad because you aren't driving her to WDW and giving her a free place to stay? She's calling you names? Sorry, by definition she is not a friend.

+1

A true friend doesn't act like this.

 

[hereyago]

This has nothing to do with money, but the fact that your "friend" is the one that is the entitlement brat.

You wrote that she gets mad about this or that, so that is nothing new.

However, YOU are not responsible for her happiness(or lack thereof). Nor are you responsible for HER spring break not being what she wanted it to be. A senior in college is what 20-21? she needs to act like a grown woman who is responsible for her actions and herself.

 

[BrerMom]

yeah, it's weird. this has only just started happening. i'm not sure if it's the pressure of her finding a job and figuring out her future or what is going on because of graduation, but all of a sudden i'm a brat. i'm not really sure what's going on.

we'll probably see each other over thanksgiving break so i think that might be the best time to talk about it, in person.

Sometimes when people are stressed, they lash out at the people they feel safest with. It doesn't make it right or easy to deal with, but it makes it easier for me to deal with them if I understand why they are being jerks. I agree with a PP - don't ditch a 10-year friendship until you've talked to her about this.