How to stop hating your ex ?

[nurse.darcy]

such a great line!!!

when i first was informed that my marriage was over i was truly devastated. i have always been the man in my extended family where others had turned to for help and solace when they were experiencing troubled times, so when i was going through my breakup i was so amazed and gratified with the support i recieved from everyone. the support was so overwhelming that i truly started to realize, slowly of course, that i was a good person and i shouldnt be so down on life in general. when you receive incredible support form the ex-spouses own family you really start to feel better.

as the hurt passed i decided that i was not going to let this ruin my life. i almost let my depression cost me my long time job, so i woke up an realized i had to take control. i took what happened to me and placed it in its own little compartment, like darcy mentioned, and started to move on with my life.

then the anger started creeping into my life. any time i had felt anger like i was feeling the outcome was never ever any good. it usually made things much worse. anger clouds the rational mind like nothing else. so i refused to give in to it. i am better then that. this was a major realization for me. it was always easy to give into anger, it is harder not to give into anger.

i looked in the mirror and i liked the person i saw there. i still had the love of my sons, still had my job and my health was better then it has been in years. so it was now time to go out into the world and be me. it was odd that after giving my all for so many years and someone gives it back you usually dont feel good about yourself but i did feel good. people would ask me how much weight did i lose and i told them 35 pounds and 130 pounds. they look at me and say 165 pounds and i laugh and tell them i personally lost 35 pounds and i lost 130 pounds off of my back.

so after time i went out into the world and somehow, call it fate or just dumb luck, i met that special person. if i had given in to the anger and let it overtake me i would have never seen her there and would have missed out on what is becoming a very happy time in my life.

strangely i did ask my ex, if she was surprised at my reaction to her telling me she wanted a divorce. she said yes she was and was expecting me to react in a rather nasty and angry nature. i told her that after so many years she never really got to know me after all. i walked away from that smiling and i knew that by keeping my anger in check it changed how i felt and really socked her really good, much better then any angry outburst ever could have accomplished.

hate is just a wasted emotion. that emotion can definitly be used in much better ways

sorry if too long

Sweetheart, you have a beautiful way with words.

 

[starrzone]

Is it that he bugs you so much, or is it the memory of him and what he did or said (or didn't do or say) that bugs you so much?

If it's the latter, what I did, and what I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to put him and the memory of your life with him in its own place - as part of the story of your past life. Easier said than done, but with practice, putting your past behind you is about recognizing the past for what it is - it's history. It's not actually real right now. It was real, but it's not real now. If what bothers you are the things he did in the past, they can't continue to bother you without your permission, because what it is today is just a tale of what happened. You've dealt with whatever happened. He's no longer part of your life. You have the extraordinary power and gift to choose how the story of what happened will affect you both now and in the future.

I hope that helps. It sure helped me when I went through that .

Another vote for being some of the best advice I've read about a separation from someone you thought you meant a lot to...for me personally, I dwell far too much on the memories. I was smitten with a person I thought was there. He said things and made comments that lead me to believe that he was a good man who cared a lot about me. In the end, it turned out to be the complete opposite.

OP...without hijacking the thread, I'd say that the best way to stop hating your ex is to sit back, think of the good times, and realize that you will have them someday again with someone else who really appreciates you and realizes what a wonderful person you are. I read something somewhere once that went like this: "You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you choose to deal with those feelings". By posting in the first place, I think you are taking the high road by acknowledging your anger and not trying to hide it.

Good luck...I know it's not easy.

 

[ReaderGirl]

First, I would simply say that it's normal to feel angry. And disappointed.

This might help --
Very often when people hate someone, they think it is somehow punishing the other person. But hating another person has absolutely no effect on them; it does nothing to them. They may not know and they may not care. *But hating someone does something to you*.
Hating someone changes a person. I've seen a quote which says
"Hatred is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I think it's a helpful quote. I haven't been divorced, but of course, I've felt mad at people. If I'm mad at someone, it helps to think "I'm not going to let them take up my time, or make this a bad day, or whatever." Being angry when I'd rather be enjoying myself or getting things done means that I'm not in control of me, the subject of my anger is.

Hope this helps! Take care of you!
ReaderGirl

 

[djamel]

Hello! Pamper yourself at any affordable spa's. Or meditate.

 

[OlyWaguy]

I've never been married. But the lead singer of one of my favorite bands, a Christian band called the 77's,every so often writes music about his wife that left him( at least this is what I heard). They range from songs with tones like "why did you leave me?" to " This never would have worked out...". Not specifically those words but at least that's the feeling you get from these songs. He was telling the world how he felt. He was writing his feelings down on paper and singing his words to the world.

As Tom (Buena Vista) was saying. Leave the past in the past, and as Tracy (JadedBeauty) was saying she put her down in poems.
The past is in the history books. It's put on paper.Your future can never be written.
Put yours on paper and and put it down with passion so all will know your feelings. In your own sweet time you'll be able to close the book on those feelings.
And remember to always forgive but never forget otherwise bitterness will blind you.

 

[Master Mason]

I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband. I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!!
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!

I hated my ex for about 5 years after our divorce. Every morning I would say a little prayer that she would get run over by a bus or something. I was continually angry, everything with her was a fight, I was misserable.

Then I realized that it wasn't doing me a single bit of good.

So, I just stopped. She would call me up and start arguing, and I would hang up, when she called back and complained I simply told her that if she yelled at me again, I would hang up again. When I needed something, I would ask, if she said no, I didn't argue. Whenever she asked, as long as it wasn't completely unreasonable, I said yes, If I had to say no, I gave her a simple reason why not and refused to argue about it.

After about 6 months the arguements stopped, we could talk and be civil. After we quit fighting, I began to see some of the things I liked about her in the first place coming back out.

Almost 10 years now from that point, I actually concider her to be a friend and confidant and I know she feels the same. Its a much better place to be in trust me.

 

[santa's surpriz]

The best line of advice came from step-dad when I went thru my divorce...

"Temporary Inconvenience for Permanent Improvement"

To me it meant alot of fustration and ill feelings, but they went away and I am a much happier person today.

 

[JPN4265]

I am feeling guilty as today I am wishing very bad things on my ex husband. I wrote a list of things that makes my life better since he is gone, but he bugs me so much!!
Any tips on getting over the anger !!!!

Is he dead or alive?

 

[Jackee]

Thank you for a nice post..
Men and women both have particular things they need out of a relationship, and if they don't get them the relationship is very unlikely to succeed. Your partner probably broke up with you because one or more of these needs weren't being met, and if you can identify them and how to address them it'll be far easier to get your ex back and what's more...keep the relationship going.
-------------

 

[twinklebug]

So, next week when my divorce is final, I am celebrating with the following mantra...

"Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger."

Love it.

I celebrated mine last summer by buying 160 pts of AKV DVC.... a symbol of my new freedom and ability to be who *I* want to be. I haven't regretted the decision for a moment.

 

[MO Nurse]

As everyone else has said it's one of the hardest things you will do. I have been with the same man for 13 years off and on. We got married and divorced twice. How insane is that? Currently we are in the process of separating again. We have both done things in the past to hurt each other but there comes a time when enough is enough. It seemed we would get away from each other and get along great and that would lead us to believe maybe it would work when in reality we can be great friends but can't be in a relationship together. It's hard to accept that though. I have become a very cold hearted person and I was never like that before.

You have to remember who you are and who you want to be and as others have said put the past where it belongs. We all know that is easier said than done but you have to make a conscious decision to do it and not look back. During one of our separations of 2 years I took the step and went back to school and am now a nurse and absolutely love my job. I did something for myself and my kids that will make their future stable. Good Luck. I am going through the same thing right now but time will help.

 

[Tinkerbell_n_neverland]

The best thing I did for myself when i got divorced was I learned to have fun again w/o him! All the fun stuff drowned out the pain and anger I felt for him.

Yea he still makes me mad, but its usually cause he says or does something stupid that involves my son. I moved on away from him, and met a wonderful man that ive been dating now for 2 years. Funny thing is he lives 3 hours away from me (without traffic) but we're so good for eachother it works. He's got 2 daughters and I feel like a family again (on the weekends when we get to spend time together). During the week I work and take care of my son, and keep myself busy

I never thought when my husband and I divorced Id be happy again. Im happier now than I ever was. You will stop feeling anger and hate when you find happiness.

But dont be fooled, it takes alot of time. Years later... every once in a while I have a break down. i wonder how things could have gone so wrong. But then i think of the beautiful and all the fun im having and I'm over it.

and if all else fails... take a trip to disney world and forget about everything and be a kid again!!!!

 

[alanakelly]

I agree with the whole idea of the posts. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. However bad the relationship was, there are still seconds on it when it made you happy. Linger on those precious moments and see the bright future when you can be a lot happier in the arms of the right man.

 

[TortugaDave]

I am going though the begining of the process and hate it. I know it is over and has been over of quite a while, but I am still very hurt. I don't want to go back with her, nor does she want to get back with me. I guess I just want to feel normal again...and dating is not normal yet. I resent the X alot for doing this to my son and I, but it still was the best for us. Now I get my son alittle under half the time and I know he is in pain, but he is getting better and the time spent together is like gold. " I guess this is growing up" (stolen from Blink 182)

 

[ny to wdw]

I am going though the begining of the process and hate it. I know it is over and has been over of quite a while, but I am still very hurt. I don't want to go back with her, nor does she want to get back with me. I guess I just want to feel normal again...and dating is not normal yet.

i understand exactly what you are saying here. especially the part about dating. i was so sure i could handle dating again that i went out and dived head first into a relationship with a wonderful and beautiful woman. boy was i so wrong, very wrong. not that there was something wrong with the woman i was dating and being very involved with, she was wonderful, it was i was not ready. all my ex had to do was text me and the text would just ruin my mind. i would become so focused on trying to understand what my ex was trying to do that i could not focus on my new relationship and in turn i managed to hurt my new relationship very much.

i so wanted to hate my ex for her constant and seemingly endless texts, calls and asking for extra money for bills and adding to that my simply not being to give my all to that special person i was dating because i was so constantly distracted by all the drama but i still would refuse to give in to the anger and hate.

i was also fortunate that my special person did not give into hate and despise me for what i put her through.

i know my life will be good soon very soon.

hopefully as soon as i feel that dating is "normal" again, and i can really focus on the person i am with that maybe that special person will be there and maybe...........

 

[livingontheedge]

I have never hated anyone yet the person i was married to for 19 years turned out to be nothing but a liar. How do i stop hating and stop dwelling on the wrongs i was subjected to...
It wasn't enough for him to lie to me he had to fabricate accusations about my life with him and tell our friends (who where his friends first because i moved to his town) so many horrible lies about my life with him. He got us in so much debt and lied about everything then decided to tell me how he really felt about me which was not very nice. I was blind sided, i never saw it coming. never once did we ever speak of divorce, never once did we have arguments that we didn't get over, we did not dwell on anything; or so i thought.
i hurt so deeply, like i was raped and robbed and left for dead by a complete stranger.