How to steer DH away from "semi" toxic friend?

[Cool-Beans]

I just pretend I don't hear it...

Atta girl! Another one hopping into my boat and sailing down the river of denial.

A little denial goes a long way, in my book.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

As a guy, I certainly wouldn't be. It sounds like a typical "guy joke" that any of my 30-something friends tell. I think that sometimes women don't get the male sense of humor. If it wasn't for constant putdowns and sports what would we guys talk about?!?!

That's what I was thinking.

There's an old Jeff Foxworthy joke about how a man can call another a Fat slob without batting an eye--but women don't go up and say "Janice--how are you--you big water retaining seacow". It just doens't go over very well.

 

[JoyG]

Atta girl! Another one hopping into my boat and sailing down the river of denial.

A little denial goes a long way, in my book.

Denial and Selective Hearing...the keys to a happy marriage!

 

[Beca]

Instead of "steering him away", I would work on being a stronger person to handle comments like that.

You don't fight someone else's insecurity with your insecurity. You straighten up and pity someone who has to live that! If I had to live comparing myself to everyone, I would be insane. Replace your irritation with pity. It works!

So true!! I do feel for him (the friend)...he must be pretty empty inside. I was like that in my 20's...I kept thinking that "keeping up with the Jones's" was something I NEEDED to do. As a result, my house was never big enough, I was never thin enough, and my house was never clean enough...and, I was NEVER happy. Then, I realized that I don't know or care about "the Jones's". My house is messy, I am not nearly as thin as I used to be, and the size of my house is now determined by what makes US happy.

I hope your dh's friend finds the self-confidence he needs to NOT compare himself to his friends. But, keeping your dh away from him is NOT going to be good for your marriage. Instead, if dh told me these things his friend said, I would smile and say, "I love you...I love our house....I love our life. I don't care how it relates to anyone else's standards...I'm just so happy that we have each other." After awhile...dh will start to see the difference.



Beca

 

[Seahunt]

I would smile and say, "I love you...I love our house....I love our life. I don't care how it relates to anyone else's standards...I'm just so happy that we have each other."

Beca -This is soooo true - my DH loves to hear this, even after 32 years of marriage!

 

[Tink522]

Thanks for the supportive responses as for the rest of you, wow, judge others much?

DH and him have been friends for 14 years. You and DH have only been married for 6.5 months and now you want to start "steering" him away from friends? I see trouble up ahead....

Divorce lawyers dream. New wife telling new husband that his best friend is "toxic" and that he shouldn't talk see hand with him.

now, if dh is out every night, etc. with friend thats different, but in this case, either there is something else there, or, you are a control nut/freak/etc.

In the interest of not writing a novel I didn't lay everything out. But I will now. Let's start with the fact that the "new wife" isn't exactly new. We've been together for almost 9 years! So more than half of that friendship includes me and the other wife. Over the course of 9 years the comments have made thier way into everything we do and don't do. Kinda annoying, wouldn't you agree? As for those of you that don't think these types of things make a toxic friend, I disagree. They hurt my DH's feelings especially since he is not a "Gotta keep with the Joneses" type guy. Why wouldn't I want to steer him away from a friend that's basically an a**hole? As far as telling him "I don't want you talking to so and so", I would never do that. Which is why I used the term "steer". I would much rather encouraging outings/vacations with other couples we know rather than going out with said friend and his wife. But like I said in the interest of time (and realizing not everyone wants to read an 8 page essay) I didn't include "all" the info in the OP.

All that being said, why must people automatically assume the worst. Why can't most people say, "There's more to this story but since this is all I have to work so I'll give the best advice I can without assuming she/he is a control nut/freak/etc (to use the term from another poster). There is no reason to say something like that. Doesn't anyone remember, "Don't say anything, if you can't say something nice"? If you don't agree then there's no need to post your negativity. I realize it's a public internet forum but still common courtesy still suggests people be civil. There are nicer ways to get your point across.

That's it, off my soapbox now.

TY&GN

 

[Crankyshank]

All that being said, we must people automatically assume the worst. Why can't most people say, "There's more to this story but since this is all I have to work so I'll give the best advice I can without assuming she/he is a control nut/freak/etc (to use the term from another poster). There is no reason to say something like that. Doesn't remember, "Don't say anything, if you can't say something nice"? If you don't agree then there's no need to post your negativity. I realize it's a public internet forum but still common courtesy still suggests people be civil. There are nicer ways to get your point across.

That's it, off my soapbox now.

TY&GN

Why couldn't you say there was more to the story but for the sake of brevity, this was the most recent example? Why couldn't you use the word "encourage" instead of "steer".

geez if you are so concerned with the type of responses you get when posting on an internet forum you may in the future want to be a bit more concise with your verbage.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I agree that you didn't give us nearly enough details in the first post. Seems that this was the only or at least the best example and all we had to work with.

Regardless, if he only gets together with the friend every 2-3 months, I would stay out of it. Odds are the friendship will naturally fizzle as you all get busier in your lives, especially if either of you end up having children. It then takes work to stay close and if you don't live close to each other and don't get together often now, it's even less likely that you will then.