How to make friends and keep them?

[PoohnPglet]

I am a very outgoing person. I love to crack jokes (mostly corny) and make people smile. I am considerate. I try to remember the little things about people. You know, like so and so likes hot chocolate, not coffee. Or that character is so and so's favorite. I am fun. Always up for outings such as movies, going to the parks even hitting the occasional night spot. I consider myself intelligent and capable of fairly interesting conversation on a variety of topics. I am sympathetic and understanding when the situation warrants it. I call/write/send texts/email/myspace people often to let them know that I am thinking of them. I do struggle with depression but I really have worked hard to not let that show to anyone. In fact, most people are surprised to find that out about me.

However, lately I have come to realize that I have no friends anymore. My incoming calls list on my phone is empty, so are my texts. No one has invited me to do anything in forever. I go to work, I come home, that is it. For all the calling/writing etc that I have done, I am barely getting any response. The responses I do get are from very random sources and not from the people that have said they are my friends. I am so lonely it is overwhelming. I recently went through some pretty scary stuff with my son being hospitalized with e.coli and really feel like he and I went through it all alone.

What am I doing wrong? How can I fix it? Or do you think I am just throwing myself a major pity party and I need to just get over it?

 

[Dina]

I think sometimes life gets in the way of us keeping our friends. I've lost touch with most of my close friends. When my son was first diagnosed with autism and asthma, I was pretty overwhelmed, and didn't keep in touch with my friends (some of whom were going through tough times of their own), and now we know longer communicate at all. I've found that I'm not close with my friends anymore but have become much more closer with my family-- my mom, my cousin, my mother and sister in law. I think at times when we get older it gets hard to maintain some friendships-- some people are better at it then others. I don't really have any advice, but I do know how you feel. Try and hang in there!!

 

[rie'smom]

I've grown apart from some friends too. It's probably nothing to do with you. It's just hard with everything going on in people's lives to keep up. Sometimes we have to make the first move.
I called one of my firends a couple of weeks ago. She has 2 sons getting married this summer and asked me to help her find fabric to make her dresses. We did this on Friday. I was so happy to see her and we've made plans to get together for lunch.
Maybe you could call one of your friends and arrange to meet him/her for lunch.

 

[kristen821]

It gets harder to keep friends when everyone's life is so busy. Most of my friends have kids around the same ages as my kids. We do a lot of stuff together with the kids. I am not sure how old your son is but is he at an age that he would have friends.
My friends mostly consist of friends from highschool who had kids, neighbors, and I have a few friends that I met at my sons sporting events. After spending so much time together at games and practices we became friends.
Good luck, I am sure it isn't you!

 

[paigevz]

We lost a lot of our friends when my husband was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness...........slowly, they just dropped out of our lives. It was a combination I think of us having a lot to deal with and not spending as much time with them and them being uncomfortable.

I've made tons of friends here on the DIS, but both because my husband is often tired and we can not accept many invitations and because I am struggling with depression too, I have not made new friends in our new neighborhood.

My friends on the DIS though are the most caring and supportive friends I think I've had since high school. It may not seem the same to those who haven't experienced it, but these friendships are just as solid as those with people who live nearby. In fact, THESE friends I can stay up until 3 am in my jammies with, and visit when I'm sick.

So I suggest you jump in on one of the friendly ongoing threads and make friends here, and then when you reconnect with your other friends, you'll have MANY friends.

 

[sweet angel]

Here's what I found out about what people think of ME several months ago when I was having a tough time -- it may relate to you as well...or not.

People assumed that since I appear (and act) strong and capable, that I would go to THEM if I wanted someone to talk to. In reality, all I wanted was someone to come to ME and ask ME if I was okay.

I really wish we lived closer -- with our kids being pretty close in age, I bet we'd be great friends. I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

 

[Lars624]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling lonely.

 

[LucyStorm]

Good friendships, like other good relationships, require work. They also require a willingness to look past other's faults and see the goodness in them. Sometimes they require being able to forgive others for their inadequacies.

I have maintained most friendships that are important to me. But it has been work. It has been the email to say "are you okay?", or the phone call when I haven't heard from them in a while, or the being there when things are tough for them. I find that if you do that for them, they will usually do it for you.

Unfortunately, friends today often walk away when things get tough. That is not what friendship is all about.

You probably need to look at those people you call friends, decide if they are truly friends or if they are just acquaintences, and decide if they are worth the work. Then get to it.

 

[LucyStorm]

I really wish we lived closer -- with our kids being pretty close in age, I bet we'd be great friends. I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

In this world of internet communications, distance makes no difference in being great friends. I wish both of you the best of luck in building a great friendship.

 

[TheGoofster]

Good friendships, like other good relationships, require work. They also require a willingness to look past other's faults and see the goodness in them. Sometimes they require being able to forgive others for their inadequacies.

I have maintained most friendships that are important to me. But it has been work. It has been the email to say "are you okay?", or the phone call when I haven't heard from them in a while, or the being there when things are tough for them. I find that if you do that for them, they will usually do it for you.

Unfortunately, friends today often walk away when things get tough. That is not what friendship is all about.

You probably need to look at those people you call friends, decide if they are truly friends or if they are just acquaintences, and decide if they are worth the work. Then get to it.

In Proverbs (18:24) it says "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother".

I know it is easy to read something like that and say, sure of course, but actually doing it is often quite a bit harder. I've noticed in my life that when I go out of my way to be friendly to others, it is a reciprical kind of thing, suddenly I have many more close friends. Yet, when I shut myself up, I start wondering where all my friends have gone. I'll be the first to admit that at times I can be a bit moody, and when I get in the mood to be "not so friendly", it isn't long before I am by myself. My wife on the other hand is one of the friendliest people you would ever want to meet, and as you can guess she has a lot more friends than I do. (whenever the phone rings, 10 to 1 it is one of her friends, as opposed to somebody calling for me).
Now, saying all that, it does seem like there are certain times in life when suddenly all of your friends just seem far away. I think this is just a normal cycle kind of thing, and not to be too worried about - they always come back soon enough.

 

[honeymom]

I just find that people are different about friendships nowadays. That friendships seem to exist in work environments. If you have kids, that you interact with other kids parents in sporting environments, school, etc. But, everybody seems so busy with work or their children's schedules that true friendships (just calling to say hi, going out for a coffee) are few and far between. And, when you are dealing with a problem in the family (we had issues in our family, too) it might affect your friendships. If it is an illness, your friends might rally around you (or they might avoid you if they are uncomfortable about talking to you about it). If it is more of an ongoing condition (i.e. previous poster mentioned autism and we have dealt with something similiar) some of your friends might think that you need space to deal with it. Or, sometimes they just do not know how to talk to you about it and they avoid you as I mentioned above.

Try to look for an activity that puts you in social situations. Is there a bunco group in your neighborhood, or can you start one? It is an easy game to play and really just an excuse to socialize. If not, is there a reading group that you can join? I think if you look around, you will find something that is social to do that will help you to make some new friends.

 

[twinklebug]

Unfortunately, friends today often walk away when things get tough. That is not what friendship is all about.

You probably need to look at those people you call friends, decide if they are truly friends or if they are just acquaintences, and decide if they are worth the work. Then get to it.

Agreed. The US is particularly bad in breeding the me-first attitude. We focus on our own lives and assume the rest will fall into place. I'm not proud of it, but I know I'm guilty of it too. I will say I think it has a lot to do with scheduling. Work, family, errands etc will tend to come before that phone call to a friend, not that I don't care or think of her often. If the friend is having difficulties I'll try to step up to the plate to help even if just offering an ear, but sometimes I can't relate, understand, or feel like I can help. In which case I tend to pull back.

OP, it sounds like you are a good friend. I know I'd love to have one like you

 

[PoohnPglet]

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you that responded. I really do appreciate it.

Funny thing is, it seems like I already do the things that you all have suggested - the calling/keeping in touch/inviting out and have been shut out. As for being friendly, I am SO friendly - and believe me - you could not do the job I do without being friendly.

But I will try harder to stay in contact and to keep my happy face on.

Again, thank you all.

 

[minkydog]

We lost a lot of our friends when my husband was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness...........slowly, they just dropped out of our lives. It was a combination I think of us having a lot to deal with and not spending as much time with them and them being uncomfortable.

I've made tons of friends here on the DIS, but both because my husband is often tired and we can not accept many invitations and because I am struggling with depression too, I have not made new friends in our new neighborhood.

My friends on the DIS though are the most caring and supportive friends I think I've had since high school. It may not seem the same to those who haven't experienced it, but these friendships are just as solid as those with people who live nearby. In fact, THESE friends I can stay up until 3 am in my jammies with, and visit when I'm sick.

So I suggest you jump in on one of the friendly ongoing threads and make friends here, and then when you reconnect with your other friends, you'll have MANY friends.

Paige, i can so identify with you. I am right there in the same boat. We have become increasingly isolated over the last 11yrs, since DS was born. DS was fragile for several years. Even now it's hard to take him to other's homes--he falls down stairs and gets into things, locks himself in the bathroom, let's the dog out,etc. DS20 went through a very difficult time in HS, including 2 trips to the psych ward. Then DH became chronically ill with heart/lung disease and has no stamina. I have to be so vigilant about illness, it borders on neurosis. It has been hard for our good friends to stick with us--we seem to have so many "conditions" placed on us by our various disabilities. After awhile, the friends just can't carry the burden of our friendship any longer.

On the flip side, we have become closer to our extended family members, particularly two of my sisters who live far away, but have made a point to visit us whenever they can. And of course, there's the DIS. DH doesn't get it,but I find a lot of support here on the DIS. It's not the same as being able to go out to lunch with a friend,but my reality is this: I can't go out with a friend, at least not easily. So I take my lunch on the DIS

 

[Stitch's O'hana]

I understand how you feel. I just moved out of state, I was in MN and now living in SD. I have 3 very good friends, one is like a sister to me. I had a hard time leaving them, when it came time to move. But I still talk to them on the phone, thru emails and I go and visit them as well. Sometimes though it's just not the same though, as I used to see two of them about every day( I worked with one). And its been very hard living here in SD, as I don't have any friends here yet. I am a shy person once you first meet me, but once I get to know someone then I could talk your ear off! LOL I know I just need to push myself more and get out there, that's why I am looking at going to the YMCA. Hey if I living in FL close to WDW, I would hang out with you!

 

[Keli]

It seems like when our children hit school age we become very, very busy until after their graduation, lol.

Saturday mornings that you used to spend talking on the phone with a friend are now spent hunting up complete soccer uniforms, feeding the family breakfast, and getting the beds made so that you can get the youngin' that's playing on the field by 11:00am while you hope that you've got dd's dress/shoes/hairstuff altogether for her recital in the afternoon.
The rest of the week has a similiar theme.

I will be honest, I drifted away from most of the friends I made when I was younger except those that lived near enough to me that our children ran in the same circles. Not because I liked any of my other friends any less but I didn't see them at soccer practice so I couldn't spend 30 minutes chatting without any extra effort like I could the friend whose son was on my dd's team. And they weren't around when I was waiting at the school for play rehersal to end like the friend whose dd was in the play also. Things like that kept my friendships with certain women strong and it wasn't really a pick and choose thing on my part.

Make new friends with the people that are around you. The ones you see all the time without extra effort. When the kids are grown you may find you still have the friendships (I do!) and the extra time to do things together.

 

[Aimee K]

I just wanted to say thank you to those of you that responded. I really do appreciate it.

Funny thing is, it seems like I already do the things that you all have suggested - the calling/keeping in touch/inviting out and have been shut out. As for being friendly, I am SO friendly - and believe me - you could not do the job I do without being friendly.

But I will try harder to stay in contact and to keep my happy face on.

Again, thank you all.

You are one of the most friendly people I have ever met. Just hanging out with you that one time, you were gracious and welcoming, bubbly and FUN! I've been going through my own year of health crisis', but it's getting better now. I would love to hang out again sometime!