How to know if you really want another baby?

[wdwcoltsfan]

Hi all! I'm hoping some of you have been in this situation and can provide some insight.

Within the last year I've started really thinking about having another baby. DH and I have a ds12 and dd9. He is 39 and I'm 37. We are both healthy, so there isn't any pre-existing conditions to worry about.

One minute I think it would be great to have another little one and I know our kids would love having a little brother or sister(they have said so). I think of all the positives of having another child. Then, I start wondering if I really want to be pregnant again and what if the child isn't healthy, are we pushing our luck.

I am very involved with our missions team at our church and dh and I go on mission trips every year. I start to wonder how having a baby would affect that. Is the fact that I'm over analyzing a sign that maybe I want another child for the wrong reasons? I would love to have another little one to take to WDW and to do all the things I miss doing with my older kids, but I realize that can't be the sole reason for having a baby.

Has anyone else gone through this as their children have gotten older? I know this post is rambling, but my thoughts are so confused right now.


Rachel

 

[swald91]

Well, I have 7 brothers & sisters. (6 living now) My parents were married in 1947- most of my siblings are old enough to be my parents-haha My mother was 41 when I was born & the next oldest was 11. While growing up I had the closeness more from neices & nephews than brothers & sisters. (Just b/c of ages) I do have closer relationships with siblings now that I'm older-39 now- (I always tease them that I'm the only one under 40!!! )
I know that I have kept my parents "young" And with such an age difference they always had a babysitter!! Although my father & brother have passed I know that my unexpected arrival was a blessing to them. So, only you can answer that question. If you believe another child will make your family whole & that's what you want -you go for it. Good luck in making your decision

 

[abdmom]

Both my sister and I decided that we would like another baby when we were in our late 30's. Here are our stories.

DS first. She had her first child when she was 31. No problems. They had a healthy girl. They started trying to have the second child when she was about 33. No luck conceiving. They tried IVF several times. No luck. Then they tried an egg donor. No luck there either. It has been very expensive trying to get pregnant. Her best friend (who has two children, a boy and a girl), has been less than supportive. She tells DSis that she shouldn't want a second child. It has been a source of great anguish for DSis. DSis is now 38 years old and is still trying.

I had children when I was 32 and 34. We thought we were done. Like you, I didn't want to push my luck. But then things happened... my father died and my grandmother, in her 90's, was left childless. Her daughter had died 2 years earlier. She is still going strong at 101 and recently told me that she wished that she had had more children. It is terrible to be old and outlive your children.

So, seeing what happened to my grandmother and knowing of quite a few other people who had outlived their children, dh and I decided to go for #3. I should say, we decided to go for #3 AND #4. We had both grown up in families of 3 and really didn't like the dynamics. I was 39 at the time, as was dh. Well, after about 2 years, 4 miscarriages , 1 D and C, and many visits to the Dr where I was told I was elderly and was high risk because of my age, and 1 emergency C section, we had a healthy baby boy.

Here's the kicker though. Several days after the birth of our baby, dh was diagnosed with a rare and fatal cancer. He died 4 months later, never recovering from the surgery that diagnosed his cancer.

You see, I had been worried about the health of our child, when it was our own health that bit us in the end. DH had been very healthy... until he wasn't.

One statistic that I learned after this was: Five per cent of all children in the U.S. have a parent die before they graduate high school. I would surmise that the higher the age of the parent, the greater the risk of death.

I'm sure that this is not the story you wanted to hear. But this was my experience of having a 3rd child at an "older" age.

 

[Cinderellabride]

I am only 23 and my first baby ds 5months is sleeping in my arms right now, but as a fellow believer I would like to encourage you to pray about it both on your own and with your dh and find out if it is in God's plan for your lives
to have another baby right now. God bless!

 

[carj]

I can't really help you because although I loved my children's babyhood, I feel excited about the new era of our lives. (The youngest will be in Kindergarten next month.)

I had a tubal after the birth of our second child so there is no going back for us. (I know that it could possibly be reversed but we are not interested in doing that.) I think that if I hadn't had the tubal, I might always wonder but having the tubal gave me peace that our family is complete.

A huge factor in our decision is that DH wanted 2 children. I could have been persuaded to have another though! I think that you and your DH need to decide what is best for your family. Good luck with your decision!

 

[sk!mom]

Hi all! I'm hoping some of you have been in this situation and can provide some insight.

Within the last year I've started really thinking about having another baby. DH and I have a ds12 and dd9. He is 39 and I'm 37. We are both healthy, so there isn't any pre-existing conditions to worry about.

I'm not sure that I can be much help. I've always been very satisfied with two children and when I think of the huge responsibilty of raising quality adults, I'm amazed that anyone would want to do it more than twice.

I do understand missing the babies that my children were. I have often thought that if I had known the last time I picked them up and carried them was the last time- I would have had a very hard time putting them down. But those feelings don't make me want another. I normally embrace each new stage. My DH and I also really enjoy having more time for ourselves and each other now that our youngest is 12.

My one question for you would be, how does your Dh feel about this? You say that you might want another but does he want to parent another? If the answer is no then that would decide it for me.

 

[dbal]

Obviously, there is no right or wrong answer. My dh and I are very close in age w/ yours. Our dd's are 10 and 6. We have both been tossing around this idea for a few months. We have decided against it and dh has an appt. to make that a permanent decision in about 3 wks.

After milling back and forth for a while and really missing a little one around, we realized that we missed our own kids being small. For us, having a baby right now would be fun but difficult now w/ the older kids schedules, work, $$, etc.....

Good luck whatever you decide. I always figured once we were married and settled down that this kind of decision would be easier. It's not

 

[Tawnya]

Four years ago when I was 45 (!) I found out I was pregnant with my third child. At the time I had two teenage daughters. The pregnancy was a breeze and now I am blessed with a 4 year old son who has been to Disney 3 times already and we are going again September!
I remember about 7 years ago when my daughters seemed to be growing up I was standing next to a woman who had three kids and could not hold up all three to see the parade. So I offered to hold up the littlest one. I thought to myself , wow these days are over for me until the grandkids!
Well, little did I know those days were not over for me. When we go in September I will be with my 21 year old daughter, my 18 year old daughter and my four year old son.
If I weren't so old, I would have another one. For now I will be satisfied with my three and wait for the grandkids!!!

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

I'm not sure that I can be much help. I've always been very satisfied with two children and when I think of the huge responsibilty of raising quality adults, I'm amazed that anyone would want to do it more than twice.

I do understand missing the babies that my children were. I have often thought that if I had known the last time I picked them up and carried them was the last time- I would have had a very hard time putting them down. But those feelings don't make me want another. I normally embrace each new stage. My DH and I also really enjoy having more time for ourselves and each other now that our youngest is 12.

My one question for you would be, how does your Dh feel about this? You say that you might want another but does he want to parent another? If the answer is no then that would decide it for me.

Dh feels the same way I do. We both see the positives, but also realize there are drawbacks. I was very surprised at how much we agree on this. This will be a decision we make together.


Rachel

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

I am only 23 and my first baby ds 5months is sleeping in my arms right now, but as a fellow believer I would like to encourage you to pray about it both on your own and with your dh and find out if it is in God's plan for your lives
to have another baby right now. God bless!

Congratulations on your little one! We are praying about this. Funny thing, I'm not nearly as patient as He is! I want my answer now!


Rachel

 

[Missin'Disney]

I think since you've waited this long you should really take the time to sort through your thoughts and really KNOW that this is what you want to before making your final decision. You may find yourself going back and forth for awhile but I would think that eventually the right answer will become more apparent. For us the answer was yes, after contemplating for a couple years. We had our third right after #2's 4th birthday and #1's 6th birthday. A lot of people commented on why we waited so long, as if maybe #3 was an "oops" but the truth his, he was the most planned of all 3! And of course now we couldn't imagine life without him, and now I'm going through the same thing all over again, longing for #4. But finances may prohibit that. We kind of outgrew our house with #3! Where we live (outside Manhattan) the cost of living and raising children is obscene, so I doubt #4 will become a reality, but who knows what the universe has in store
Good luck with your decision, whatever it may be.

 

[sk!mom]

We had our third right after #2's 4th birthday and #1's 6th birthday. A lot of people commented on why we waited so long, as if maybe #3 was an "oops" but the truth his, he was the most planned of all 3!

People thought 4 years was a long time? Our children are 11 years apart- I guess your friends would really think our DD was an accident- she wasn't.

 

[mjkacmom]

People always say it's hard to know when you are done - I wasn't sure after #3. After having #4 and #5, we are DONE - it's so nice to know for sure!

In your situation, it would be pretty neat to have a baby, knowing what to do, without having to worry about other little ones. It sounds relaxing, and enjoyable.

 

[gigi1313]

we just had a baby in march and our other kids are 13 and 11 yo... i'm 45, dh is 40... and having this baby is the best thing that has ever happened to us... God so richly blessed ALL OF US when he gave us this marvelous gift...

i agree with the need to pray on it and ask the Lord what His plans are for you... then listen! (i know, that's the hard part! LOL!) (along w/being patient! LOL!)

my prayer for you is that God's will be done and that you accept whatever that is... my heart tells me it's a baby!

 

[PEANUT1]

sounds to me like you want another one.....so go for it! Some people do have a harder time as they get older, so be prepared for that and accept whatever will be.

we have 2 beautiful healthy daughters and I am very happy and blessed. I feel that a family of 4 is a wonderful thing.....however, I am only 33 and wonder how I will feel in a few years and the kids are older. (don't tell my husband ). He is totally happy with 2.

 

[stella27]

My older children were 4 and 5 when we learned that we were expecting #3. He was not planned, but I cannot describe what a gift he has been to us. He is just 10 months, but I already mourn his growing up. I know that once he can talk back and act defiantly and try to run away from me, I may feel differently, but he is such a little blessing in our lives. DH and I were both 37 when he was born. It is hard having to stay home during naps and expecting the older two to be quiet and to watch him for a minute here and there, but we all just adore the baby. It will definitely end your mission work-traveling for a while, but just for a few years. It's a hard decision, and I feel lucky that it was made for me with this oops baby.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I went through this when I hit 40. Me and DH frequently talked about how it would be nice to have another little one, but our kids were in their teens and after a lot of thought, we just realized for our lifestyle we didn't think a little one is really what we wanted at all-we were just mourning the fact that our children weren't children anymore...they were growing up. We decided to wait for grandchildren and although I ooh and ahhh and sometimes think it would be cute to have another in the brood, I realized that it really wasn't for us. You have to follow your gut and do what you both feel is right for your situation and lifestyle.

 

[StephMK]

We decided we were finished when DS turned 1 & DD3 was a terror and we also had DD9. I still sometimes wish we'd had a 4th & DH actually looked into reversal at one point but we decided the uncertainty of health, finances, etc. to be happy with our 3. As much as I still sometimes wish for a 4th, I think we made the right decision. I know there are people that say, if you want one, there is always a way but we took a hard look at our lives approach and decided not to push it.

PLus now that DS6 is the youngest, we are really enjoying the freedom. I adore my DN1 & DN3 but appreciate visiting w/o all the daily work of taking care of little ones.

One question is if you are prepared for a greater age difference between the older 2 & younger 1 if you don't get pg right away. I know DD14 has said more than once that she wishes there was someone closer to her age since DD8 & DS6 are best buddies. It worked great for years because her BFF is an only & like a surrogate sis. Now that we moved, she's on her own more when we go places. Just something else to consider.

I have friends having their 1st at 38 & 40 so you're definitely not too old imo though. Good luck w/your decision!

 

[tweedlemom]

My response to people asking if they should have another child has always been "How do you see your family as you walk down Main Street in Disney World?" Whatever you say, that's your answer! Can you see yourself with 3 kids? 2 kids? 4? In your mind, how do you picture your family when you visit the Happiest Place on Earth? Not a scientific and/or religious response, but it does make you think and bring a smile to your face! Good luck on your decision!

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and input. It helps to know that others go through this.


Rachel