How to Help my Unhappy DH?

[Rora]

Ugh.. ever since DH graduated from college, he's never been sure what he's wanted to do (drives me nuts, but okay). He worked in his field for a couple of years and then this past summer he has decided that he wants to become a teacher (he's always been interested in this but is choosing to pursue it now).

As he was making this decision, his company laid off a ton of people- DH included. So, together we decided that he would get any part time job he could for the time being so he could study for his teacher certification tests. We are fine financially so, thankfully, this decision hasn't impacted our lives too much.

He's currently working at a Retail Store and absolutely hates it. I don't blame him. They have him working full time (although he was hired at part time.. ) although he's requested fewer hours and he doesn't get too much time to study. He plans on taking his tests here in early December.

The problem?: He's downright miserable working at this job. I keep encouraging him saying he hopefully won't have to work here much longer after he takes the tests but being a teacher myself I know that it's not really likely that he'll get hired until Fall 2011. He's so upset thinking he will have to work at this store until then.

I'm at a loss. I feel that there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. He comes home and doesn't want to talk because he's frustrated. I try to make things nice by planning fun things for us to do at home, making nice dinners, etc. He's still unhappy. Then, selfishly, I get angry because I want attention from him. Then we fight about it and everything just gets worse.

Although we're okay financially, we wouldn't be okay if he quit this job. I'm trying to be his cheerleader but he just isn't happy. I don't know what to do. It's truly impacting our daily lives for the worse.

I know he loves me and I love him but all of this is getting in the way of our usually happy, loving relationship. And I feel unloved.

Any suggestions on what I can do, if anything, to improve this situation?

Sorry for the long post..

 

[Hannathy]

you aren't going to like it but:

Tell him to knock it off and grow up! To bad he doesn't like his job right now, does he think everyone just walked out of school into their dream job? We all do what we had to do to get to where we want to be and sometimes the getting there isn't pretty. He is being very immature to pout about it. If he truly doesn't like this job go get another type of job. He could try working in a restaurant, or a different type of retail, he could work in a call center, he could work in a group home. He also should be very glad he has a job and he is getting too many hours not a lot of people can say that right now.

 

[Rora]

you aren't going to like it but:

Tell him to knock it off and grow up! To bad he doesn't like his job right now, does he think everyone just walked out of school into their dream job? We all do what we had to do to get to where we want to be and sometimes the getting there isn't pretty. He is being very immature to pout about it. If he truly doesn't like this job go get another type of job. He could try working in a restaurant, or a different type of retail, he could work in a call center, he could work in a group home. He also should be very glad he has a job and he is getting too many hours not a lot of people can say that right now.

This is so true. I've definitely thought about saying something along these lines and have hinted at it before. It just causes a fight.

I'm getting to the point where I've had it though and might just have to flat out say it.

Thanks for the firm advice!

 

[SC Minnie]

Sorry but I agree with the PP.

He needs to grow up. Yeah, most people do not have a dream job that they absolutely can't wait to go to every morning. It called work for a reason. As an adult you have to do what you need to in order to provide for your family. I have had a job that I would get physically ill on Sunday's thinking about going back to my job on Monday. I started looking for something else but did not quit until I found it.

At some point you have to find a career and stick with it. It may not be your passion but it pays the bills. You can find ways to fill that passion by volunteering or hobbies.

JMO.

 

[kimblebee]

Ugh.. ever since DH graduated from college, he's never been sure what he's wanted to do (drives me nuts, but okay). He worked in his field for a couple of years and then this past summer he has decided that he wants to become a teacher (he's always been interested in this but is choosing to pursue it now).

As he was making this decision, his company laid off a ton of people- DH included. So, together we decided that he would get any part time job he could for the time being so he could study for his teacher certification tests. We are fine financially so, thankfully, this decision hasn't impacted our lives too much.

He's currently working at a Retail Store and absolutely hates it. I don't blame him. They have him working full time (although he was hired at part time.. ) although he's requested fewer hours and he doesn't get too much time to study. He plans on taking his tests here in early December.

The problem?: He's downright miserable working at this job. I keep encouraging him saying he hopefully won't have to work here much longer after he takes the tests but being a teacher myself I know that it's not really likely that he'll get hired until Fall 2011. He's so upset thinking he will have to work at this store until then.

I'm at a loss. I feel that there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. He comes home and doesn't want to talk because he's frustrated. I try to make things nice by planning fun things for us to do at home, making nice dinners, etc. He's still unhappy. Then, selfishly, I get angry because I want attention from him. Then we fight about it and everything just gets worse.

Although we're okay financially, we wouldn't be okay if he quit this job. I'm trying to be his cheerleader but he just isn't happy. I don't know what to do. It's truly impacting our daily lives for the worse.

I know he loves me and I love him but all of this is getting in the way of our usually happy, loving relationship. And I feel unloved.

Any suggestions on what I can do, if anything, to improve this situation?

Sorry for the long post..

Just following the rule in case this takes a nasty turn.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You might try just giving him more space right now. Don't talk about his job unless he brings it up, and even then try to change the subject to something more upbeat. Men tend to want to internalize these things. If that is his desire - let him.

 

[Planogirl]

I have a really bad job right now so I can relate. It's hard to go there day in and day out and be miserable every single day. It's fine to say that he needs to knock it off but it's also hard to be unhappy all the time. He just needs to realize that it's just a means to an end and do his best. Hopefully, he'll snap out of it.

I would be supportive but tell him that it is what it is and he needs to make the best of it. I wouldn't be rude or nasty about it because that might just make him even more miserable. Leave him alone and let him stew a while when he gets home. That might be all he needs.

 

[Rora]

Just following the rule in case this takes a nasty turn.

Let's hope it doesn't please.

You might try just giving him more space right now. Don't talk about his job unless he brings it up, and even then try to change the subject to something more upbeat. Men tend to want to internalize these things. If that is his desire - let him.

Thanks for a man's perspective.

I have a really bad job right now so I can relate. It's hard to go there day in and day out and be miserable every single day. It's fine to say that he needs to knock it off but it's also hard to be unhappy all the time. He just needs to realize that it's just a means to an end and do his best. Hopefully, he'll snap out of it.

I would be supportive but tell him that it is what it is and he needs to make the best of it. I wouldn't be rude or nasty about it because that might just make him even more miserable.

Thanks for the relating opinion. I know it must be tough to work at a job you really don't enjoy since you do it all day long! But, I'm just sad that it's affecting us so much.

I hope your job situation improves!

 

[cabanafrau]

Retail at holiday time generally requires lots of hours. To leave the job now probably would leave the employer in a bind & no doubt prospective employers will realize that as well.

IMO you pick your moment, try to gently explain to him he will have to suck it up for now while he looks for something more suitable until he's able to be employed as a teacher.

 

[RadioNate]

You might try just giving him more space right now. Don't talk about his job unless he brings it up, and even then try to change the subject to something more upbeat. Men tend to want to internalize these things. If that is his desire - let him.

Despite the username, I'm not a man but I am going to agree with this. I know from my experience with my DH that he doesn't want a 'cheerleader.' He wants me to shut up about it. My marriage is currently in the dumpster due to similar issues so I'm learning a lot. While my DH wants empathy he also wants to just move on when he gets home. Through our ordeal, I've been told "stop trying so hard" a zillion times.

So I'd say stop trying to make it better for him. The job isn't going to get better. I'd tell him to look for something else or quit being a baby about it.

 

[shortbun]

Look, my husband and I are best friends, very close after 27 years together, in complete sync. I wound never, never tell my husband to 'grow up.' Totally out of the question and disrespectful. I suggest that you do some quiet research and find him a talk therpist who will do that for you. You could help him by putting a resume together for him and doing a quick job search that might find something else for him. IF you are going to have a heart to heart, be organized with some options for him and get moving improving his lot in life. Last, I might give myself a 'grow up' talk. You know your husband is miserable so suck it up. This situation is new and as you have said, he went for a part time job so find him one. Quit complaining about feeling unloved; he's depressed, anxious and angry. You can't just 'get tough' and make those feelings go away in most cases. He needs some help; perhaps more than you can provide.
I know it doesn't sound like it but I really have sympathy and compassion for you. Sorry you guys are going through this rough patch. Marriage is full of them; fasten your seat belt. I'm way into it and I can tell you that things change back to good if you have a good relationship to begin with. Help him help himself.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't see why this thread would take a nasty turn. Of course, things do around here.

We all have things that bother us and some are better at handling those things than others. I mentioned that I felt unhappy too but I usually just brush it off when I leave the job. Life is too short to let a weird situation affect everything else.

Rora, how long has he done this retail thing? Is he showing no sign of getting used to it? Thanks for the well wishes by the way. I too have a plan.

 

[Rora]

Despite the username, I'm not a man but I am going to agree with this. I know from my experience with my DH that he doesn't want a 'cheerleader.' He wants me to shut up about it. My marriage is currently in the dumpster due to similar issues so I'm learning a lot. While my DH wants empathy he also wants to just move on when he gets home. Through our ordeal, I've been told "stop trying so hard" a zillion times.

So I'd say stop trying to make it better for him. The job isn't going to get better. I'd tell him to look for something else or quit being a baby about it.

This sounds slightly familiar recently.

I guess part of the problem is I'm doing what *I* think *I* would want him to do for me if I was in his shoes.. ?

So sorry about your marriage issues right now.

 

[Rora]

Look, my husband and I are best friends, very close after 27 years together, in complete sync. I wound never, never tell my husband to 'grow up.' Totally out of the question and disrespectful. I suggest that you do some quiet research and find him a talk therpist who will do that for you. You could help him by putting a resume together for him and doing a quick job search that might find something else for him. IF you are going to have a heart to heart, be organized with some options for him and get moving improving his lot in life. Last, I might give myself a 'grow up' talk. You know your husband is miserable so suck it up. This situation is new and as you have said, he went for a part time job so find him one. Quit complaining about feeling unloved; he's depressed, anxious and angry. You can't just 'get tough' and make those feelings go away in most cases. He needs some help; perhaps more than you can provide.
I know it doesn't sound like it but I really have sympathy and compassion for you. Sorry you guys are going through this rough patch. Marriage is full of them; fasten your seat belt. I'm way into it and I can tell you that things change back to good if you have a good relationship to begin with. Help him help himself.

Thank you for the honest advice. I do need to get a grip as well about the whole feeling unloved thing. It's just been tough since this is so new for us.

I will for sure do a job search for him-- good idea!

I don't see why this thread would take a nasty turn. Of course, things do around here.

We all have things that bother us and some are better at handling those things than others. I mentioned that I felt unhappy too but I usually just brush it off when I leave the job. Life is too short to let a weird situation affect everything else.

Rora, how long has he done this retail thing? Is he showing no sign of getting used to it?

He's been at this job since August. Some days are better than others, but he tells me how much he can't wait to leave pretty much every day.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

This sounds slightly familiar recently.

I guess part of the problem is I'm doing what *I* think *I* would want him to do for me if I was in his shoes.. ?

So sorry about your marriage issues right now.

Men are very different. When under stress, I exercise more, but I talk less - and almost never about the things that are causing me stress. My wife has learned that it doesn't help me to talk about it.

When my wife is stressed she eats more and talks incessantly.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm going to say it because you did ask for suggestions/help. I hope at least you give it some thought.

Between the lines I'm reading an element of "I told you so" from you.

Ugh.. ever since DH graduated from college, he's never been sure what he's wanted to do (drives me nuts, but okay). He worked in his field for a couple of years and then this past summer he has decided that he wants to become a teacher (he's always been interested in this but is choosing to pursue it now).

As he was making this decision, his company laid off a ton of people- DH included. So, together, we decided that he would get any part time job he could for the time being so he could study for his teacher certification tests. We are fine financially so, thankfully, this decision hasn't impacted our lives too much.

I'd bet your DH is kicking himself over his choices somewhat as well (although looking at your ages in your signature, you're both still very young), but disapproval from a wife, whether it's direct or indirect, can be difficult for many men to deal with. As men, they want to be the provider for their families, etc. Until he gets to a place where he feels he's "there" - especially given that his wife already is, apparently - you may see signs of unhappiness, and even depression in him.

What to do about it? That's the harder part, but recognizing this may be a good start. Be aware of any subtle put downs you either may be giving off ("well I'll just buy it then"; "well I'm off that week, why can't you be?" etc) or he may be interpreting that way, whether you intended it or not. Help him in his quest for betterment without being judgemental about it.

 

[golfgal]

If he has all of his coursework to become a teacher he might be able to sub in the district or surrounding district. Why doesn't he check into that-plus if he is subbing there is a foot in the door for a job in the fall or sooner. Even if he can't sub as a regular teacher he could probably sub as a para somewhere.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It is hard working a job you hate. I know it's hard to get a job, but is he looking for something else? It couldn't hurt.

 

[RadioNate]

This sounds slightly familiar recently.

I guess part of the problem is I'm doing what *I* think *I* would want him to do for me if I was in his shoes.. ?

So sorry about your marriage issues right now.

Thanks. We are plugging away. However, after 11 years we are finally learning things we probably should have learned years ago.

That is exactly what my problem. I do all the things *I* would like and he doesn't like them. I want to be coddled and told I'm wonderful and that things will be better. I want to talk and talk and talk and talk about it. He wants me to go away. He moves on from his 'bad day' or whatever on his own. Me nagging and discussing and trying to get him to 'cheer up' almost always backfires on me.

I'm going to have to start taking my own advice more!

 

[Rora]

I'm going to say it because you did ask for suggestions/help. I hope at least you give it some thought.

Between the lines I'm reading an element of "I told you so" from you.


I'd bet your DH is kicking himself over his choices somewhat as well (although looking at your ages in your signature, you're both still very young), but disapproval from a wife, whether it's direct or indirect, can be difficult for many men to deal with. As men, they want to be the provider for their families, etc. Until he gets to a place where he feels he's "there" - especially given that his wife already is, apparently - you may see signs of unhappiness, and even depression in him.

What to do about it? That's the harder part, but recognizing this may be a good start. Be aware of any subtle put downs you either may be giving off ("well I'll just buy it then"; "well I'm off that week, why can't you be?" etc) or he may be interpreting that way, whether you intended it or not. Help him in his quest for betterment without being judgemental about it.

Thank you for being honest. I'm going to honest: I'm sure he does feel a bit of my disapproval. He's been changing his mind about careers since he was 18. Honestly, it's been annoying. I want him to be happy but I want him to pick something, settle down with it, be happy, etc. so our lives will settle down.

I feel like we're in limbo because of his job situation. We want to move, but won't until he obtains a job he likes. We want to have kids here kind of soon, but won't until he has a secure job that he likes.

I'll be the first to say that this cannot be easy on him and yes, I am being selfish by wanting him to pay more attention to me, "just deal with it", etc.

You brought up age-- you're right, we are young. We've been together since I was a freshman in high school and have had a very happy, loving relationship up until recently. The hard part is I'm so used to us just being the way we were and this has really thrown us for a kink. That's okay. And I know everything will be fine. It's just dealing with now.

Thank you for your honest advice. You're right, I am probably making it tougher on him.