How to help her understand??

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thanks to everyone for all the ideas. I appreciate it..well We all do!
Thanks.

 

[Mac and Us]

Last fall, a few weeks before our DD turned 3 I had to resort to sue1013 trick.

Everytime we went to somewhere she would run off. It scared me to death everytime. Then one day in the mall she thought it was funny to keep running off. I finally had enough. It was at the Disney store. I planted my mom by the entrance and told her that I was going to let her run off and not chase her to show her how it felt to be lost.

Luckily, the shelves in the Disney Store are low. I could see her at all times and felt comfortable that mom was at the door. I watch my DD start calling for me in a low voice. Then her face got panic sticken and she started to cry. It was very difficult to watch her go through this but it scared her enough that all I have to do is remind her about the time she got lost in the store.

BTW: this only went on for a few minutes before a lady and her daughter stopped to help her. I went over to the mother and tried to explain to the woman what I was doing and she just glared at me like I was a horrible mother.

Most mothers really don't want to inflict pain on their child but this sort of pain has paid off for us most of the time.

There have been times when she forgets and ignores me. In which case I just put her in the cart, she throws a fit, gets over it and we continue on. Like the other mother said, the next store we go to I give her another chance and most times she stays by me.

Our rule is: if mommy can't see you then you go in the cart.

We also had a leash or whatever they are called. We loved it when she was just walking up to 2-2.5 years old. But like others said, they have to learn and 3/4 years old is a good time to start learning.

 

[AC7179]

I will have an 18 month old when we go in March. She is 9 months now and wanting to walk everywhere.........she will sit in shopping carts or strollers but very reluctantly. She would be miserable in a stroller the WHOLE time at Disney. I am planning to get her a harness so she can have some free "walk time" and I will be able to relax too, knowing that we are "attached." Of course we will work on the staying close to Mom idea, but I think 18 monhts is a little young to expect perfection. Will people make comments to me for having her on a harness? Anyone had bad experiences with harnesses or leashes?

 

[GoofyGirlnPrincessV]

I have had some negative comments and so have some of my friends. At first I would make some sort of snappy comment back to them. Now I just ignore their ignorance. I would rather have a harness on my children and have them safe than take the risk that some wacko is watching us ready to snatch my kids and take off.. JMO

 

[DawnaJean]

---Will people make comments to me for having her on a harness?---

You probably won't get comments but you may get the "look" of disgust. I used to be one of those people who thought how could moms put their children on "leashes" but now, my third child being a very active 2 1/2 boy, I have a new appreciation for all possible ways to keep my child safe. We used the harness with him at Disney World last month and he was very happy to be walking "on his own". He would usually hold my hand but if he said he wanted to walk by himself, I would tell him we have to put on your "power belt" so that he stays close to mommy. He had a couple of times where he was not happy anywhere...harness, stroller, etc but I chalk that up to being overheated and overtired. We would go back to the hotel to rest when that happened. We did get a few of those "looks" from other "better" mothers LOL!

Do what is right for you and your child and don't worry about the opinion of other people.

Dawna

 

[emh1129]

I totally agree, Dawna.
I used to think harnesses were awful- even called them "leashes" Now I realize that all children act differently~ it's naive to think one child will act just as another one does.
Do whatever you need to do to keep your child safe- that's the most important thing. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks; they don't know your child like you do!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I totally agree, Dawna.
I used to think harnesses were awful- even called them "leashes" Now I realize that all children act differently~ it's naive to think one child will act just as another one does.
Do whatever you need to do to keep your child safe- that's the most important thing. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks; they don't know your child like you do!

 

[crisi]

I would think that your 3 year old could handle a plan like this... It serves to teach children very important lessons instead of just attaching them to you like an animal.

Kristy

Some kids can. Some kids don't respond to this sort of thing. Its nice that you know that her three year old is one that will. Personally, try not to generalize about the behavior of stranger's kids over the internet, since if it doesn't work and her daughter manages to dart off and get lost for forty minutes and I'm the one that said "don't bring a harness," I'd feel lousy.

To paraphrase, if a leash keeps my kid from getting lost, nabbed or hurt, its worth it.

If the OP has concerns about a harness, she might want to bring one anyway, as they are not sold on property. Try the other methods mentioned before the trip. We have one dwaddler and one darter, so its difficult to keep them together. But we discovered at WDW that the kids seemed to know they had to stay close to us. We used the leash the first day or two, then never again. Its possible your daughters insticts will kick in at WDW (crowds, unfamiliar environment, excitment to share with Mom - that's what keeps my kids glued to me) and the leash will stay in your bag.

 

[caribear]

My daughter is turning 3 next month and I am in the same situation you are. She runs away from me constantly. She does not care if she can't see me.....she just keeps running. This happened at JCPenney the other day. I ran around the whole store after her and I was so angry. Customers kept looking at her like "Where's the mother?" I was running as fast as I could to keep up with her....but she is fast! I bought a harness at Target, but DH refuses to let dd wear it....he hid it from me last week when I told him I was going to use it. If he only knew what I had to put up with whenever dd and I go out. She screams in her stroller that she wants to walk....and we attract so much attention as I am trying to get to the nearest exit and get to the car. I am literally at my wits end with this situation. I think I need The Nanny to come to my house for the weekend...LOL.

 

[shaylahc]

I wanted to jump in and say that harnesses don't always work. My oldest DD has always been very active and very independent. When she was about 18 mos old I had problems with her running away from me in public (I never could get her to ride in a stroller....). I bought one of these harnesses and the very first time I put it on her she threw herself on the floor and refused to move. What was I going to do, drag her around the mall? That was pretty much our experience with active toddlers and harnesses

I think with very active children it's better to 1)try and do your shopping without them/limit their time out in public until they learn to behave better or 2)find a way to either carry them in a backpack or push them in a stroller or hold their hand the whole time. We also have ours hold on to shopping carts or something when they are getting wiggly and hyper out in public, it helps remind them that they need to stay close by.

It does get better and they do grow out of it....eventually....

 

[can'twait]

Thank you all for sharing your stories, because now I don't feel so bad. My hubby thinks I'm mean because don't like to take the kids shopping or running errands. Sometimes I will take one or the other, but I try my best not to take both kids out in public together because they dart in different directions and it freaks me out. I spend most of my time chasing them through the store instead of focusing on my task at hand. Then when I get home, hubby says, what took you so long? He's watching the game on the couch the whole time, you know?! And then of course we'll see a woman with 3 kids out shopping and he'll say, see, she does it, you're overreacting! Both kids have gotten lost for a few minutes, but it was ME that got upset, not them! We are going to WDW in October and I'm bringing ID tags, maintaining a death grip and teaching them to stay put if they get lost. I bought a "leash" once but didn't have the heart to use it. My only consolation is I know that they will grow out of this phase, and the sooner the better!

 

[MrsPete]

There is no proof that a leash harms children but there is proof that teaching children about limits and boundaries creates a great framework for their lives.

I agree that children need to learn to behave without a harnass; however, it might be better to teach the child these lessons at home in small, quiet stores where you have more control and when she isn't hot /tired /overstimulated. At Disney, when she is all of these things, it's time to protect her.

My daughters were both "runners". The gravity of the situation didn't hit me until the little one learned to walk (and she could unfasten her stroller seatbelt in a heartbeat). They'd take off in different directions, and they thought it was a game. So I had to fight fire with fire: I took them out to places THEY enjoyed -- the bookstore, the toystore -- and I made sure to take them at times when I could leave. I'd explain the rules and give them one chance. If they ran, we left. Period. During that timeperiod, I tried to avoid taking them out to places like the grocery store (where I would not have the luxury of leaving) so that I wouldn't send mixed signals. It didn't take them long to grasp the concept.

However, despite the fact that they learned to stick with me, I still didn't trust them at places like Disney -- in fact, it's just been this summer that I fully trust the eight-year old to stay with me. It's just too overwhelming for a small, immature child, and the temptations are just too great. It's a parents' responsibility to PROTECT the child first and teach second.

You probably won't get comments but you may get the "look" of disgust . . . We did get a few of those "looks" from other "better" mothers LOL!

Yeah, well, I'll stack my kids up against those with "better mothers" any day of the week.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I agree that children need to learn to behave without a harnass; however, it might be better to teach the child these lessons at home in small, quiet stores where you have more control and when she isn't hot /tired /overstimulated. At Disney, when she is all of these things, it's time to protect her.

My daughters were both "runners". The gravity of the situation didn't hit me until the little one learned to walk (and she could unfasten her stroller seatbelt in a heartbeat). They'd take off in different directions, and they thought it was a game. So I had to fight fire with fire: I took them out to places THEY enjoyed -- the bookstore, the toystore -- and I made sure to take them at times when I could leave. I'd explain the rules and give them one chance. If they ran, we left. Period. During that timeperiod, I tried to avoid taking them out to places like the grocery store (where I would not have the luxury of leaving) so that I wouldn't send mixed signals. It didn't take them long to grasp the concept.

However, despite the fact that they learned to stick with me, I still didn't trust them at places like Disney -- in fact, it's just been this summer that I fully trust the eight-year old to stay with me. It's just too overwhelming for a small, immature child, and the temptations are just too great. It's a parents' responsibility to PROTECT the child first and teach second.

Yeah, well, I'll stack my kids up against those with "better mothers" any day of the week.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Since I posted this..we had an occurance at a water park while on vacation last weekend, and my dd got away from us. We lost her for about 3 min. *FELT LIKE A LIFETIME*!! We freeked and decided the vacation was over and we went home. *a 5 hour drive* Was the last day anyway..but this wasn't the first time that day she had run off on us. We had tried everything..read books on the issue, did a few of the tricks that you all have suggested in this thread..and she just dosen't care...she just keeps going.. I don't know if its the "I'm 3, i will do it my way" thing..or what. But I hope she comes out of it..b/c I am out of my mind here. She went from the cutest little angel to this "I Will do everything myself when I want, and how I want to do it" person..what do i do??? I bought one of those Tot Tails and we will be trying it next vacation..*a trip to Marineland next weekend. I don't think we will use it at the grocery store and stuff..as I see these as a chance to teach her how to act w/less of a chance of losing her.
Has anyone else gone through this w/their kids? I assume its all part of growing..but how did you handle it???
We do give her boundries, and she is a very polite and well behaved girl when it comes to most everything. Very smart and articulate with most everything for her age..its just this..should we be concerned??
Thanks again for all the ideas and suggestions.

 

[snowy76]

Hope I don't offend -- what was your daughter's consequence for running off?

If it was me, I would tell her she is NOT going to Marineland unless she can follow certain directions with you in outings prior to the trip. But you MUST be willing to cancel your plans if she does not keep her end of the bargain. Then you use similar bargaining for certain parts of the Disney trip. The Marineland thing should show her you mean business.

It IS a fine line between this kind of negotiation and bribing. You can't cut a deal with her on everything lest she start thinking she's going to get a reward all the time for doing what she just ought to be doing! But if you look for bargaining tools in the things you would have given her anyway, youu are just using a situation to your advantage.

Most importantly stand by your promise, even if that means you have to suffer the consequence with her. You gotta be willing to be the bad guy sometimes, you know? My kids know I mean what I say and say what I mean.

 

[ReAnSt]

First of all for some kids this is normal behavior, they only feel the world is safe. Everyone they have met has been nice and kind and not done anything to them so they feel everyone is like this, no one will hurt them. Lots of kids learn better with experience than through listening. That is why I am suggesting this.

I'm putting on my flame suit, but I am only suggesting this only for situations where nothing else seems to work. My suggestion is to go to a store or place like you normally do, leave your child walk on their own alongside you. Before you go arrange for a friend or co-worker whom you trust but your child does not know to be at the store. Have them arrive before you do and watch you and your child. When your child runs or wanders have them approach your child use their name ask them about their pets, tell them they lost something etc. to gain their trust.

Have them try to walk away with your child, such as help me look for my wallet I lost it somewhere in the store. I know this sounds harsh and some people might be totally against it but for some children this might be the only way for them to realize they are in danger. Your child may cry, panic, or flip out. Go back and approach your friend/co-worker start talking to the, You must also be prepared to comfort and explain to your child why you did this. It might highly upset some children. But for some children it is the only way for them to realize how real the danger is.

Becky

 

[Pea-n-Me]

First of all.. no flame throwing. I am responding to the OP's question and trying to point out that she has an option other than putting a leash on her preschooler. I won't hide the fact that I despise leashes on children but this is just my opinion. There is no proof that a leash harms children but there is proof that teaching children about limits and boundaries creates a great framework for their lives.

My DD is going to be 3 in September and I too have to deal with her trying to be more independent than she is truly ready for. We have a deal that works really well for us. We remind her of the safety rule, stay with Mommy or Daddy, before going into any public place. I tell her that she has one chance to walk and stay with us. If she takes off, or even tries to, she loses her walking privelege for the trip. For instance, we went into Wal Mart this morning. She walked alongside me for the first 5 minutes. She saw a Strawberry Shortcake thing and TOOK OFF! I got her, explained that she didn't show me she could be safe. I put her in the stroller for the remainder of the trip. We went directly to the grocery store after and she got to try again. This time she behaved perfectly! Allison knows I mean business, even without threatning. She knows that I promise to keep her safe and sometimes that means restraining her in a shopping cart or stroller if she can't make safe choices.

We are heading to WDW for Allison's 3rd trip (for her r3rd birthday) and we will continue to follow through this method. She has never once "gotten away" from us even in the crowded world of Disney.

I would think that your 3 year old could handle a plan like this... It serves to teach children very important lessons instead of just attaching them to you like an animal.

Kristy

Lots of thoughts and memories come to my mind reading this thread. Like the time we unsuccessfully tried to save the life of a 2 yr old boy who dashed into the street while his mother was putting her baby in the car - I worked in the ER where he died and vividly recall the screams of his family upon hearing the news of his death. I also well remember the days long afterward when my own twins thought it was pretty funny to run in different directions - not so funny to me when I had to decide which one to go after first, having some close calls before I smartened up. Did I use leashes and harnesses? Yes, I sure did. Did I care if certain people despised leashes and felt I was treating my children like animals? No, I didn't.

DISLOVE, I'm not flaming and I respect your right to voice your opinion. Here's mine. I found the tone of your post unfortunate. You're reinforcing the negativity that those of us who choose to keep our children absolutely, 100% safe have to endure.

I'm certainly glad your DD has never gotten away from you but like the OP, you may well see changes in her as she gets older and more savvy. A 3 yr old cannot be relied upon to make safe choices. There have been lots of threads here on the DIS about people losing their children at WDW, most of whom believed it would never happen to them. And all bets are off when you have a second child to care for - do you just have the one right now? If so then please don't rush to judge others whose children's temperaments and family situations may be different from yours.

I'd like to suggest to the OP a series of books which I found very helpful in reassuring me my three year olds' behavior was indeed normal, called Your Three Year Old. It's an older series and covers each age up to ten I believe, but the information is extremely helpful and reassuring. I must have read that book five times during my kids' third year! Good luck with your DD, she sure is adorable!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thanks to everyone for the ongoing support and ideas.

Snowy76 : The first time she ran off, she was not allowed to ride the train at the park..something she was really looking forward too. The second time she ran off, was when she got lost and we took her home. So, I hope we handled that right. Thank you for your advice.

Pea-n-Me: Thanks for your thoughtful words of encouragment. I am so sorry to hear about your terrifying experience with a child that ran off. So scary to even think about! I am looking for the suggested book on Amazon right now. Thanks for the suggestion. I agree that all children are different and its always better to be safe than sorry.

ReAnSt : Thank you as well. This is not a bad idea. How would you explain this to your child afterwards? I was thinking of how I would then make her understand what I had just done..as her 3 yo attention span seems to be wandering as well.

 

[snowy76]

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right stuff, for all that my opinion's worth Patience and persistence are the name of the game, like anything with kids! Let us know how things work out.

 

[MrsPete]

If it was me, I would tell her she is NOT going to Marineland unless she can follow certain directions with you in outings prior to the trip.

Here's the thing: you can never "make a threat" that you're not willing to back up with action. Say you're waiting in line at the movies. Sure, you want to see the movie, but if she runs away, you can leave. From an adult persepective, nothing's really lost -- in fact, you might see it as a victory because you'd be making your point.

Marineland is different. I don't live anywhere nearby, but I assume the tickets are expensive. If we're already inside the park, having paid mega-bucks for tickets, WE'RE NOT LEAVING! So I'd make sure that she is wearing the new Tot-harnass, and she doesn't have the opportunity to run away, forcing you to take action. Save the lessons for at-home times when it doesn't matter (to you) if you leave.

 

[DISLOVE]

I will have an 18 month old when we go in March. She is 9 months now and wanting to walk everywhere.........she will sit in shopping carts or strollers but very reluctantly. She would be miserable in a stroller the WHOLE time at Disney. I am planning to get her a harness so she can have some free "walk time" and I will be able to relax too, knowing that we are "attached." Of course we will work on the staying close to Mom idea, but I think 18 monhts is a little young to expect perfection. Will people make comments to me for having her on a harness? Anyone had bad experiences with harnesses or leashes?

Why do you feel that it is necessary to put a leash on her? We took our daughter to Disney when she was about 14 months and newly walking. My husband and I took turns watching her, letting her toddle in front of us and being sure that we didn't take our eyes off of her. It wasn't stressful, it was quite fun, although we did enjoy the switching off so we could just wander around a bit.

I can almost, almost, understand if you are a single parents or if you have 3 or more kids. But otherwise it is entirely doable as long as you communicate with your DH and are clear on who is in charge of who...
Good luck!