How to help a hoarder....

[Aristomommy]

DH and I have been talking a lot about a family member that has a hoarding problem. Our last visit really made us concerned because their house smelled horrible and there are only two rooms that are somewhat clear, every other room is filled with junk up to the ceiling. It is getting progressively worse and we are now seeing the signs of keeping meaningless things like phonebooks and boxes of papers etc.

DH has tried to help organize, only to find the rooms in their previous condition months later. We have help clean a room but there is always an argument about what to keep and what to throw away. They are ok giving stuff away to someone they know, but will not donate to charity

We would want to visit these people and enjoy their company, but the conversation always ends up being the clutter. The dust makes our two asthmatic children ill and even this does not help motivate change.

Any experiences with this type of behavior? I am lost as to what to do. DH and I along with other family members would love to ambush with an "intervention" but I'm afraid the old behavior would just cause clutter to come back.

 

[Mimi1965]

We had to wait until the hoarder (the husband) went to the hospital.
It was so bad the ER guys could not get the gurney in the bedroom


The wife asked for help
Two family members spent a day throwing away piles and piles of stuff
(Plates of old food everywhere)

The hoarder was very upset when he returned

Sad to say, in 6 months-junk piled up just as bad as before

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters I would not bring an asthmatic child to a hoarders house. I would say that since your children are getting ill, I would no longer bring them over there.

Secondly it is a mental disorder and a form of OCD so unless the person wants to change and gets help with a mental health professional, the only thing you can do is what you are doing already.

An "ambush intervention" would not be the right thing to do to someone with a mental disorder. I am sure they would love to be "normal" however they cannot.

You have to figure out how to visit with them without going to their house. And if you do go over there, do not bring your children.

 

[Aristomommy]

We had to wait until the hoarder (the husband) went to the hospital.
It was so bad the ER guys could not get the gurney in the bedroom


The wife asked for help
Two family members spent a day throwing away piles and piles of stuff
(Plates of old food everywhere)

The hoarder was very upset when he returned

Sad to say, in 6 months-junk piled up just as bad as before

Once when the hoarder was out of town, DBIL went to throw stuff away. It was not a good idea, because now they thought he threw away something valuable or papers with their private information in it. I'm afraid if we did that it would only help temporarily as in your case.

 

[Aristomommy]

For starters I would not bring an asthmatic child to a hoarders house. I would say that since your children are getting ill, I would no longer bring them over there.

Secondly it is a mental disorder and a form of OCD so unless the person wants to change and gets help with a mental health professional, the only thing you can do is what you are doing already.

An "ambush intervention" would not be the right thing to do to someone with a mental disorder. I am sure they would love to be "normal" however they cannot.

You have to figure out how to visit with them without going to their house. And if you do go over there, do not bring your children.

DH and I will bring the kids to their backyard anymore, not in the house, because the moldy smell is everywhere. We made that decision after our last visit.It's really sad to see this progression in a person's behavior. They used to love to entertain and have us over, now even that doesn't matter. And they make us sound "crazy" for setting theses limits.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I will bring the kids to their backyard anymore, not in the house, because the moldy smell is everywhere. We made that decision after our last visit.It's really sad to see this progression in a person's behavior. They used to love to entertain and have us over, now even that doesn't matter. And they make us sound "crazy" for setting theses limits.

Mold? That is bad and a serious health hazard. I would certainly make sure it is not "black mold" at least. That requires a HAZMAT suit for removal.

And certainly DO NOT clean up their house under any circumstances unless you are wearing respirator & proper gear. You are risking your own health with clean up.

 

[Luvchefmic]

DH and I will bring the kids to their backyard anymore, not in the house, because the moldy smell is everywhere. We made that decision after our last visit.It's really sad to see this progression in a person's behavior. They used to love to entertain and have us over, now even that doesn't matter. And they make us sound "crazy" for setting theses limits.

You are absolutely right to do this I GUARANTEE you there is mold in that house, possibly even black mold. When my deceased MIL was alive she had to move in with my SIL because she was getting so bad (mentally) we all were afraid she would burn the house down.

It took 4 of the largest dumpsters that exist to clean out the house. Unfortunately then DH & I rented it from her. We had a professional cleaning co come in, BUT We had strict orders not to clean out the basement or the attic. Then we had a boiler flood and all the crap had to go.

When everything was out (another 2 dumpsters) black mold was found on the basement walls I could show you pictures that would stand your hair on end. After a restoration company came in and gutted everything out and a Haz-Mat lab took samples we got out of there!

Best advice is if you can get the county board of health or an anonymous tip to the fire commissioner or someone involved you may be saving these peoples lives. Who cares what they think..this is the problem DENIAL

 

[Aristomommy]

Mold? That is bad and a serious health hazard. I would certainly make sure it is not "black mold" at least. That requires a HAZMAT suit for removal.

And certainly DO NOT clean up their house under any circumstances unless you are wearing respirator & proper gear. You are risking your own health with clean up.

Good point. I know all the windows in the "bedrooms" are moldy due to moisture. The windows should have been replaced years ago but no one can get to them because of all the junk in the rooms.They live near a lake and all the cardboard boxes have a moldy smell due to the humidity in the summer time, but I am not sure if it's truly mold. Then they got a cat that had accidents in one of the rooms, so you can imagine the smell

 

[SaraJayne]

I would call the county health dept. and they'll probably declare the house uninhabitable until it's cleaned out.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Good point. I know all the windows in the "bedrooms" are moldy due to moisture. The windows should have been replaced years ago but no one can get to them because of all the junk in the rooms.They live near a lake and all the cardboard boxes have a moldy smell due to the humidity in the summer time, but I am not sure if it's truly mold. Then they got a cat that had accidents in one of the rooms, so you can imagine the smell

Please read my post above..you smell it..its mold

 

[Aristomommy]

So the health department gets involved in these types of health hazards? I want to help them but I don't even understand this type of behavior/disorder. I understand that it is a mental illness like any other, but as it has worsened gradually it's hard to believe it has gotten to this point.

 

[Disney Ella]

As Mystery Machine said, if the person doesn't get some type of therapy, the situation won't change. Going in there and cleaning it out may make you feel better, but they will be devastated and will need to replace all of those things that gave them comfort as soon as possible. Did some traumatic event happen that seemed to trigger the hoarding or were they always slightly like this but it got worse with age? I imagine it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to convince a hoarder to seek treatment, but it sounds like a very unhealthy living environment. Is there someone in the family that they particularly like and listen to that may be able to gently convince them to seek help and clean up?

 

[Mimi1965]

So the health department gets involved in these types of health hazards?.

I seriously doubt it.
Why would they?

Mostly Hoarders just dont throw anything away. Most old people have too much stuff and technically could be called hoarders too.

I think when you cant move around a room-when things are piled to the ceiling -that's what a true hoarder is.

The sad thing is the grown kids of the Hoarder I mentioned -no longer visit. The wife goes to the adult kids for holiday celebrations-but the hoarder (the husband) is a recluse and never leaves the house (except doctor visits)

 

[Luvchefmic]

So the health department gets involved in these types of health hazards? I want to help them but I don't even understand this type of behavior/disorder. I understand that it is a mental illness like any other, but as it has worsened gradually it's hard to believe it has gotten to this point.

I seriously doubt it.
Why would they?
Mostly Hoarders just dont throw anything away. Most old people have too much stuff and technically could be called hoarders too.

I think when you cant move around a room-when things are piled to the ceiling -that's what a true hoarder is.

The sad thing is the grown kids of the Hoarder I mentioned -no longer visit. The wife goes to the adult kids for holiday celebrations-but the hoarder (the husband) is a recluse and never leaves the house (except doctor visits)

Call the county Health Department they WILL get involved because it IS a health risk

 

[minkydog]

Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change a hoarder. They hoard because they *have* to. They form unnatural attachments to possessions, almost as though their possessions have emotions. I have a neice who is a hoarder at 12yo. She cannot get rid of ANYTHING, not even old candy wrappers, because "they will miss me and be lonely." Twelve years old! Her mother is almost as bad. She's saving old baby car seats, baby clothes, plastic 7-11 cups, VCR tapes, used candles, tin cans. She has whole rooms that are literally packed head high with old things.

My mother is even worse. I can't even bring Christian to her house anymore. Mother has stuff stacked waist deep with little rabbit trails running through. To her credit, she can use her kitchen and den. And her own bedroom, although it's incredibly cluttered. But Mother is of sound mind. I can't just go in there willy-nilly throwing her precious things away.

I have learned that I just have to love her as she is. I cannot change her behavior. She says she isn't *truly* a hoarder--she just can't let go of things. Last May she did ask me to help her clean out one guest room. It was wall-to-wall waist high. It took 4 days because she just was so stressed. But it had to be her idea. For me to bring it up would be to shame her even more( BTDT, I'm not proud to say.) She was absolutely shocked at the amount of dust in there. And the cats had peed on several things, including the guest bed and braid rug. Thanks to the cats, we had to through a lot of stuff out.

Try not to stress yourself out about this. If it's a fire or health hazard you can go to Adult Services and get them involved. But I warn you, it will seriously impair your relationship with this person. They will resent you and blame you forever. And if they don't get psychiatric help the hoarding will continue until there is some kind of crisis, a fire, a broken hip, etc. YOu have my sympathy. I know how hard it is to stand by. But remedy is painful to everyone involved. Be sure you understand that before you take on this battle.

 

[Imzadi]

 

[Aristomommy]

My mother is even worse. I can't even bring Christian to her house anymore. Mother has stuff stacked waist deep with little rabbit trails running through. To her credit, she can use her kitchen and den. And her own bedroom, although it's incredibly cluttered. But Mother is of sound mind. I can't just go in there willy-nilly throwing her precious things away.


Try not to stress yourself out about this. If it's a fire or health hazard you can go to Adult Services and get them involved. But I warn you, it will seriously impair your relationship with this person. They will resent you and blame you forever. And if they don't get psychiatric help the hoarding will continue until there is some kind of crisis, a fire, a broken hip, etc. YOu have my sympathy. I know how hard it is to stand by. But remedy is painful to everyone involved. Be sure you understand that before you take on this battle.

Thanks for all your thoughts, but I agree especially with these two paragraphs. Our hoarder has a clean-ish kitchen and living room so if a person were to stop by, it would appear cluttered but not alarming. Once you step further into the diningroom and bedrooms, it is just gross and filthy.

You are right, it's hard to see this behavior unfold. From others posts though it seems it happens more often than I thought.

 

[Aristomommy]

But, I think, for them, they are able to at least recognize their condition & behaviors by discussing it, and recognizing the behaviors and thought processes of each other. Recognizing one has a problem is the first step. Being an outside observer in this mentality, when you have your own hoarder to deal with, has helped.

I think in our situation there is some denial about the severity. When Oprah did her show on hoarding, it opened some dialogue since we all watched it. Now they claim they know WHY they hoard, but there has been no desire to change the behavior. When I asked for the reason, I was told it was private.

 

[NotUrsula]

Please read my post above..you smell it..its mold

Actually, the odor is most likely mildew if there is a lot of fabric or paper, and mildew isn't nearly the crisis that black mold would be. I've worked with mildewed items professionally for years (no masks) and my colleagues and I have never had any kind of respiratory issues that I'm aware of. Ordinary mildew smells, but it generally isn't very harmful to a healthy person.