How to handle an Activity Hog Mom

[luvmarypoppins]

I know its a strange title, but I couldnt think of a better one. Lets just say "Susy" goes to our church. Well susy paints murals around the church, teaches sunday school, does junior church, is in charges of the ladies group, teaches vacation bible school etc. You get the picture, susy does Everything. Well Susy's children also go to the same school my one ds does. Susy is now in charge of the bake sales, etc. etc. You get the picture,
Worse I was just commenting to my dh how susy is doing everything and is everywhere. I am on the school council. Well low and behold I get a call from a mom last night very upset that she wanted to run a christmas activity at the school and she found out susys name was mentioned again. This other mom, Maggie spent alot of time asking the principal to consider this project etc. and I think the principal was ready to put susy in charge again. I also asked to help with the project. I am thinking of talking to the principal and saying that he should nicely give other people besides "Susy" a chance to be involved and do a project or head a project. I don't want to offend susy, but I am just also getting sick of seeing her everywhere and doing everything etc. Do you know someone like this, how do you handle it, what to say etc.

 

[Chicago526]

No advice, but I'm just wondering where she gets the time to DO all that stuff!

 

[golfgal]

I am surprised that the principal would let that happen. I would give her a call and just say, you know, Mary did all the leg work for this project and really wants to continue. Suzy has chaired 15 events at the school already I think we should let someone else do something or we are going to start losing volunteers.

I feel sorry for Suzy's kids. She can't POSSIBLY be spending any time with them if she is chairing everything under the sun!

 

[experiment626mom]

Stand up for yourself and tell who ever makes these decisions the truth. That there are other moms and dads that would like to be involved in their child's activities. I would also politely talk to Susy and tell her that she needs to give others a chance to volunteer.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

AARRRGH! One of my pet peeves! We have one of these in our town, and you're right--her own kids get shortchanged. Her youngest DD is friends with my DD10, and the poor kid is always the last one there, waiting for a ride. Often she's picked up by her dad, who has a small business in town and has to leave it to get his child because mom is too busy! It just seems silly to me.

In my particular case, I dont' get too jazzed--DD10 is my oldest, I'm pregnant with #4, plus have a 2yo--I don't believe in dragging my toddler to schol events for the older two, so I'm happy to bake or help behind the scenes. Also, the woman in our town seems to focus on things that will get her children public recognition (so they don't do scouts, for example, or sports they can't excel in). I go for activities the kids love, not ones I can be sure they'll "win", so there's less overlap.

I would say something to the principal. If someone else wants to step up, they should be given a chance. I don't know who else you could approach (pastor?, teacher?), but I would use a phrase like, "Let's give different people a chance to head a committee. Since Suzy is doing X, let Maggie have Y and I'll take Z." Make sure you don't criticize Suzy's work, just present it form the point of view of giving Suzy a break and others a chance. I know if I crossed our town's "Suzy", there would be heck to pay!

 

[kasar]

I do know someone like that but in our case, it's a good thing because no one else is willing to chair all that stuff and she always steps up to the plate (and does a great job!). She's got 5 kids, works part-time, helps her husband' run his business, runs the hockey league and is president of the PTO. She's just one of those people that is great at running things and I'm happy to be her "worker bee". She's a great lady and I'm amazed at how much she does, all cheerfully and willingly.

Like I said, we're in need of more people to step up to the plate and I'm sure my friend would willingly step aside but for now, she's it.

I would speak to the principal - I'm sure she relies on this Suzy because she's proven herself and maybe doesn't even realize that someone else is trying. The more, the merrier as far as I'm concerned.

 

[mtblujeans]

Sounds like Susy could be headed for a nervous breakdown at any given moment!

 

[Quackmore]

Sounds like Susy could be headed for a nervous breakdown at any given moment!

No kidding!!! Suzy needs to take a chill pill. She would drive me whacko!!!!

 

[poohtown]

why don't you offer Suzy a hand!!! Maybe the reason she does eveything is because people ask for her help and she doesn't know how to say no. I know I have been 'assigned' to volunteer work because they know they can count on me to 1) show up and 2) give it my all. I tried to get out of one of my volunteer things this year and unfortunately no one else volunteered so here I am doing it again. As I type this I'm waiting to hear from 1 of the 25 people I called last week asking for help with a thank-you gift for a coach.

 

[minkydog]

why don't you offer Suzy a hand!!! Maybe the reason she does eveything is because people ask for her help and she doesn't know how to say no. I know I have been 'assigned' to volunteer work because they know they can count on me to 1) show up and 2) give it my all. I tried to get out of one of my volunteer things this year and unfortunately no one else volunteered so here I am doing it again. As I type this I'm waiting to hear from 1 of the 25 people I called last week asking for help with a thank-you gift for a coach.

Interesting perspective. I have a friend who is like this and she has said the same thing. Personally, i don't buy it. I figure if she drops dead one day, people will be sad for a day, but then they'll just step over her cold body and move on. I think people like this push themselves to do everything because it makes them feel important, useful and even necessary. It's a kind of ego trip. Of course, tehre are those peole who just have a gift of organization and can pull it off without endangering their firendships, alienating their husbands, or neglecting their kids. But not many

 

[disykat]

In this case, it sounds to me like the issue is that the principal wants "Suzy" to do it because she trusts her. I wouldn't really blame Suzy for that one. I'd call the principal and say that the other volunteer would love to do it and would do a great job. I bet the principal would jump on the chance to have more reliable volunteers. Maybe she didn't realize the other gal was pumped up for the task?

I've been a "suzy" in some ways, but it's usually because I've reluctantly agreed to do something no one else volunteered for. If is it Suzy that is the one who is truly hogging things, she needs to go to some leadership conferences and learn about how to foster volunteerism - it's NOT by keeping the same people in leadership!

 

[canwegosoon]

I agree, if you want to be doing something that Susi is doing...offer to help, ask to run something and she can be available to over see. I also agree she will eventually get burned out, or move on to something else...and what usually happens is there is a high decline because no one knows what's going on because Susi has done it for years. Two things are probablly going on here- First is this might be how she gets her affection(love). By doing a great job and people praise her, and it becomes a cycle. Second thing is she is just either a super"A" personality or can not say no. She sould be encouraged to get help from other parents.

 

[Castlebound]

I can see both sides of this. Everybody knows what to expect when Suzy heads up an event. If someone new does it then the outcome is unknown and it could even end badly. This just happened at our school and it caused a lot of mistrust. The end result is that the actions of one woman may effect peoples participation and trust in future school fundraising events.

On the other hand if new people who want to help do not get the chance to help sooner or later they will quit offering. Where will the school and church be when Suzy decides that she needs to cut back her volunteer time? A good compromise would be for Suzy and Maggie to co-chair the event. That way Maggie can work with Suzy and the powers that be get the comfort of having someone they know involved.

 

[CathrynRose]

I know its a strange title, but I couldnt think of a better one. Lets just say "Susy" goes to our church. Well susy paints murals around the church, teaches sunday school, does junior church, is in charges of the ladies group, teaches vacation bible school etc. You get the picture, susy does Everything. Well Susy's children also go to the same school my one ds does. Susy is now in charge of the bake sales, etc. etc. You get the picture,
Worse I was just commenting to my dh how susy is doing everything and is everywhere. I am on the school council. Well low and behold I get a call from a mom last night very upset that she wanted to run a christmas activity at the school and she found out susys name was mentioned again. This other mom, Maggie spent alot of time asking the principal to consider this project etc. and I think the principal was ready to put susy in charge again. I also asked to help with the project. I am thinking of talking to the principal and saying that he should nicely give other people besides "Susy" a chance to be involved and do a project or head a project. I don't want to offend susy, but I am just also getting sick of seeing her everywhere and doing everything etc. Do you know someone like this, how do you handle it, what to say etc.

Dont know - I luve in a very affluent area and all the Mom's at both my kids schools are activity hogs - theyre all home all day long, and apparently have nothing else to do. The one Mom this year told me how she was "running not only THIS (my son's) classroom party, but also her other child's ....how on earth would she do it?? <giggle>" ***Gag*** how about letting someone else do it?? That'd be a start.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

I honestly don't see this as a real problem--IMO, I always appreciate the person who is willing to step up and take charge. And often, it seems to be the same people/person over and over. I feel everyone has their own particular gifts/talents/needs--some people are go-getters, and others are not. Me, I'm always happy to help out on a project but would prefer NOT to be in charge (because of the many headaches it can end up causing!).

I don't think you need to have a confrontation with "Susy"; rather, just make yourself as available as she seems to be, if you'd like to be in charge of some of the activities she's involved with.

Good luck with it!

BK

 

[poohtown]

Interesting perspective. I have a friend who is like this and she has said the same thing. Personally, i don't buy it. I figure if she drops dead one day, people will be sad for a day, but then they'll just step over her cold body and move on.



WOW This is a Friend of yours???? I'd hate to be on your bad side LOL.



I think people like this push themselves to do everything because it makes them feel important, useful and even necessary. It's a kind of ego trip. Of course, tehre are those peole who just have a gift of organization and can pull it off without endangering their firendships, alienating their husbands, or neglecting their kids. But not many

trust me my volunteer stuff has nothing to do with an ego trip. The year I didn't volunteer to organize the christmas party for girlscouts, it didn't happen and I was the only parent to bring a thank-you gift to the leaders. They work too hard for that to happen. Same thing with cheerleading. If I don't do it it seems no one else cares. We had a pep rally and I 'volunteered' NOT. I was asked to come and help with a group of parents also asked. I ended up being the only one who showed up. Like I said before, I'm waiting for anyone of the 25 parents involved to help me. How exactly is this an ego trip?

But I understand that some people do get like that. The ones who brag at how much they do and NOT ask for help. Just let's not start giving people who volunteer their help a bad title please.

 

[Independent]

Dont know - I luve in a very affluent area and all the Mom's at both my kids schools are activity hogs - theyre all home all day long, and apparently have nothing else to do. The one Mom this year told me how she was "running not only THIS (my son's) classroom party, but also her other child's ....how on earth would she do it?? <giggle>" ***Gag*** how about letting someone else do it?? That'd be a start.

You must be in our school district. At my kid's halloween party this week, you couldn't even move in the classroom as there were more parents (many kids have both parents attend) than kids.


We also live in an affluent area and have a predominant amount of former executive SAHM's and SAHD's in our neighborhood, many of them wanting to organize everything, not quite letting go of their board room past .

But most of the go-getters are also burned out because although they look like they are taking over everything, it is still the same adage of 20% of the volunteers do 80% of the work. They would love help. Unfortunately, too many of the volunteers that do offer, only want to volunteer for fun stuff. They don't want to do the dirty work behind the scenes. So, many of our go-getter organizers tend to just do it all themselves and not delegate, as they usually end up doing most of it anyway. Unfortunately, then the people who would really like to get involved sometimes feel intimidated or get ignored, because the go-getters are a bit suspicious that the volunteer just wants to be the DJ and not want to sweep the floor after the event. It is a vicious circle

So, if Suzi is sensitive about her leadership role, and the principal is tentative about trying something new, I would just call the prinicpal and say something like:
"Wow, Suzi is just phenominal with her organizing skills. I don't know how she does it all. I would love to give her a hand, learn the ropes, and take some of the pressure off of her. I have some great ideas for the Christmas party and I would like to get more involved with the school activities. How about I co-chair the Christmas event with her so I can help out?

That way, you get your foot in the door, you get to prove to the school and parents that you have great ideas too, the principal isn't stepping into completely unfamiliar territory as she can feel comfortable that Suzi is part of the process and Suzi isn't too upset because you are "helping" and not taking over.

And then, next project, you will be established and you can fly on your own.

Or, just go in and say you would love to chair the Christmas event. At my school, even with all the type-A personalities, everybody would be on the floor kissing your feet- saying "yes, another recruit!" They would "hover" your first time, but would embrace you

 

[disykat]

You must be in our school district. At my kid's halloween party this week, you couldn't even move in the classroom as there were more parents (many kids have both parents attend) than kids.

Wow! I can't even imagine. Here, I might get accused of being a Suzy, but it won't be because people want my volunteer jobs and I'm hogging them. I've had to double up on parties, but only because no one else volunteers and the teachers call me and beg me to do it. The only people who would think poorly of me are people who certainly wouldn't be volunteering to do it themselves.

 

[nwdisgal]

She sounds like an attention horse with a severe overscheduling problem. Either that, or she's been dipping into the Ritalin. Give her a lavendar compress and nice glass of white wine and tell the woman to chill. Just hearing about this woman exhausts me.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Well heres a little update. Yest. ds came home from school and gave me 2 letters from the principal. One said thank you to our family for helping with the tag sale. The money raised is for the 8th grade class trip, oh and susy didnt help with that one. Then the other letter was a copy that had my name, susy, susy's constant helper annie, and then maggies name on it. It was about the christmas fundraiser. He just said to change some of the letter to the parents. Well this is what maggie had already called me about. She said she was putting her name and my name on the letter only, I am assuming as the chair people. Since I already asked the principal that I wanted to be involved and someone else told me maggie asked the principal every day if she could be involved with it. She said she is "assuming" that susy, annie and a few other moms she was told will assist in the project. I am happy that maggie is wanting to be in charge. I was the assistant with that christmas project and the bake sales in the past. I dont want the glory, just want to be a worker bee, but I am glad someone besides susy is getting to head up something. I just think maggie had it too and decided to take the reins so to speak. I think alot of these problems are communication problems, the principals unwillingness to delegate and his mentality about certain issues, this all grew out of the original lady in charge of alot of the events is no longer at the school this year as will be the case with me next year.
Also the principal told me we are having another tag sale in the spring, but guess what...we will be in Disney World instead most likely on the day or most of the week it needs to get ready etc. Hooray!!