How to get pre-teen to be more greatful??

[BabyTigger99]

Okay, we all know Christmas was just a few weeks ago. Last weekend, myself, DH, and his DD(age 10) were at the mall so DH could get a haircut, and we were doing a little window shopping. Didn't stay as long at the mall as we wanted, because DD started throwing a fit because she wanted us to buy her stuff, we told her that it was just Christmas, and she got more than enough stuff then, and that there was nothing that she needed right now (she wanted 2 different sweatshirts, nevermind the fact that she had just gotten about 5 different shirts for Christmas, but swore up and down she didn't get any clothes for Christmas). Fine, we chalked it up to kid being kid.

Also, for Christmas, we had promised the kids we would go to Mall of America, to get away and break up the winter blahs. We are planning on going this weekend. DH called DD yesterday to let her know the trip was planned. She is mad because we won't let her bring a friend, just a family trip (me, DH, DD, and DS4). She called us 4 times yesterday to see if DH had changed his mind so she could bring a friend. Then she called back and said she wanted to be back at her mom's house on Saturday, so a friend could sleep over at hear house. I don't think so!! It is a 6 hour drive, ONE WAY, to Mall of America from our house. I can just see this weekend being a disaster!!!

DH and I said that when we were kids, we would have loved to have even half the stuff our kids have, or the opportunities to go the places that we go. How do we get DD to be more greatful for what she has??

 

[RUDisney]

Take her to a food kitchen and let her see how poor people really live. It can't be a one time trip, you have to make a commitment to volunteering there.

Sometimes when we see how bad some people have it, we recognize how good we have it.

Also, hold to your guns about not bringing along a friend to the mall. She has to understand that you mean what you say and that there will be ramifications for not complying nicely with your rules.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I agree with the above poster. Kids will be kids, and it might be that she just doesn't realize how bad a lot of people have it.

Take her to a shelter and have her volunteer to hand out food for a day to people who have it really rough.

Also, give her a budget when you take her to the mall. Tell her she can spend X amount of money and that's it. Might make her think more about what she gets.

 

[BabyTigger99]

We have done the charity thing at Christmastime, you know, pick a name off a tree. We try to find a girl her own age, and she helps pick things out. Also, with the money for the mall, she does know that she is getting $50 to spend on what she wants, however, keeps saying that is not enough!!

 

[tlgoblue]

I went through this very thing with my DD. I realized we had a real problem when she threw a fit in Victoria's Secret! She had gotten accustomed to getting something everytime we went out, and it had become all about her. Wherever we went, she would hav a tantrum if she didn't get something. I sat down and took inventory of what she got when we shopped, and it was disgusting! I began using that awful word that parents these days have a hard time with. NO Cruel as I am, I would take her to the toy store to buy gifts for nieces/nephews and friends, and she got nothing, not a piece of candy, nothing. It was very hard, but it eventually sunk in. Now at 10, she still makes it known that she would like thus and thus, but never makes me miserable over it.

As far as teaching them to be more greatful, that is an every day lesson. Opportunities abound. Don't fail to point out that people actually live in those boarded up homes. Make sure they learn the spirit of giving. It really is better to give than to receive, and once they see that, things will improve. Start by taking them with you to the Salvation Army or whatever your local charity is. Make sure they take something of their own to give. One thing I do, (though I'm not sure how effective it really is), is make them donate an old toy before I allow them to purchase (even with their own $$) another. Of course this is a bit self serving in that I don't have quite the clutter I used to , but it also helps them see it's ok to let go of things.

If you want them to be more greatful to you, for all you do for them, forget it! They will never understand until they have families of their own, and even then, they'll be so busy trying to raise their kids, they won't have time to think about it. One day, though, you'll see it. We all owe so much to our parents, but somehow, that inner child in us all is what shows up whenever we are in their presence, and we never really say how we feel. Have you told your parents how greatful you are to them? If you have, that's so great, but most of us don't. I hope my kids treat me better than I treat my parents, but I doubt they will. I still love them with every thing I am.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy


UGH! Just re-read your OP. Didn't catch the His part of DD. Much tougher nut to crack. Many other factors to consider, i.e. DH's relationship w/ex, DSD'S relationship with you. As a former DSD, I can tell you there was much enmity between my mom and step mom, and my mom never missed an opportunity to let me know that my dad did more for "HER" kids, than he did for his own. Hearing that constanly, made me resent my Step mom and also I was very upset at being "replaced" by another woman. Make sure there aren't any underlying resentments here before trying tackle this issue. It may just be her way of dealing with and uncomfortable situation.

Good luck!

 

[MerryPoppins]

Maybe give her a monthly allowance to spend on herself. When it's gone, that's it until the next month. You have to be specific about what she needs to make the money stretch to cover if it also covers movies, etc.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Wow, my heart goes out to you. It is hard being a blended family and trying to make things work. It sounds like you are doing a great job and are very thoughtful to your dd. I agree with the other posters to be firm in your discipline and your word. My girlfriend is also in the same position as you and sees that the kids play one parent against the other. Always laying a guilt trip on her and dh as they are the non custodial parents etc. They have to pay for a hotel etc. when they see the kids. It adds up plus work time missed and a huge commute since its several states away.
I agree the gratefulness and thankfulness is a heart attitude. This christmas as always my older ds help with a homeless shelter party and other things of this nature. My ds asked me, mom, what if they like my coat and want it? I said, give it to them. I have taught my ds we do not play keep up with the joneses. This is especially true when they see what the neighbors get for christmas etc. I am sorry I told them but you have everything you need, food, clothes, home etc. My kids know our financial situation and understand our values. They get a certain amount and that is it. Anything else they must earn by chores etc. Maybe she could do some extra chores around your home to earn the money etc. You also must take into consideration what values she is being taught when she is not with you. etc. Good luck and stay firm and strong.

 

[Lewski709]

Well, I would buy one of those sweatshirts she really wants and take her to the Homeless shelter and make her donate it. She will be happy she (thinks) she is getting it and thus the trip at the mall will not be so miserable. On the way home, spring the news. She will see that they have nothing, possibly be thankful for what she has and possibly learn that giving is better than receiving. She may hate you to pieces for the time. Maybe dad can help so you are not the evil stepmonster. Either way, she'll never forget it and I bet she'll quit nagging about wanting something. I am a mean mom.

 

[TEENEE]

I guess I'll be the one to point this out. Someone created this habit in this child. It's not going to fun fixing it. I'm not saying that my kids are perfect children, I'm the first to admit they are not but they don't beg or expect to have things bought for them everytime we go to the store. You have to out your foot down. Before you even pull out of the driveway tell her how much money she has to spend or that she's not getting anything. Stand your ground. She'll be mad at you at first but grateful when she's grown.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How I have taught them to be more appreciative is to take advantage of "learning" opportunities.

Teaching gratefulness in a mall for a pre-teen is like trying to train a tiger not to look at the antelopes in the room and pretend you don't want them.
I think the kids are kids philosophy is perfect for that situation.

Teaching gratefulness in my house includes listing what is "good" in your life, frequently. Like we live in a nice home (as opposed to homeless), we are all well, etc...bring up things (not material) that are precious to them, not you.

I was brought up with "things" and I will tell you it is nice but holds no real "feeling" of gratefulness. It is just something you are used to.

 

[RUDisney]

I feel badly for your situation since you don't have her all the time. You can try to teach her things... and they will stick, no matter what the outward signs are... but, if her mother doesn't also teach her the same values, she will be confused by the situation and it will be harder to contain. If you have a good relationship with her mother, maybe you can come up with a reinforcement strategy that works in both houses.

 

[damo]

You still have time to break this habit. She is only 10 and will get much worse if you don't stick to your guns now. We all want to spoil our kids and some kids can handle it and some kids can't.

I agree with the allowance idea. Give her an allowance and then stick to it. She can budget as she pleases. My DD, now 17, spends her own money that she earns teaching piano lessons, on "extras". I will only buy her clothing that she needs for her volunteering position where she needs to look professional. All of her own clothing and stuff, she must buy herself. She really things twice about what she buys now and is not as much of an impulse shopper.

You will actually be doing her a favour in the long run. The hardest part may be trying to figure out how much allowance is appropriate.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

Saying "No" is not mean and cruel. It means as a parent you are setting limits. Children really need to know that their parents are in charge.

By calling several times to see if her father had changed his mind, she knows that he eventually will if she keeps bugging him. Stick to your guns or you will have bigger problems when she is older.

Lori

 

[cosette24601]

Originally posted by Lewski709
Well, I would buy one of those sweatshirts she really wants and take her to the Homeless shelter and make her donate it. She will be happy she (thinks) she is getting it and thus the trip at the mall will not be so miserable. On the way home, spring the news. She will see that they have nothing, possibly be thankful for what she has and possibly learn that giving is better than receiving. She may hate you to pieces for the time. Maybe dad can help so you are not the evil stepmonster. Either way, she'll never forget it and I bet she'll quit nagging about wanting something. I am a mean mom.

That has got to be possibly the worst advice I have ever heard.

the only thing she will learn from the experience is that she can't trust her father and stepmother, and she will be very resentful.

take her to the food kitchen or the homeless shelter. but tell her that she's going before you go. maybe she has some clothes, toys, etc. that she can donate. she should be part of the process. giving should come from her.

 

[I <3 Eeyore]

I think making volunteer work a family activity and giving her an allowance that she can spend or save for treats are great ideas. I'm not sure how I feel about automatically blaming the parents for creating a monster, though. That may be the case, then again, it may not be. Kids have different personalities and some kids are just intrinsically more self centered than others are no matter what you do.

What I wouldn't do is deceive the child into believing that I was buying her a gift and then 'spring it on her' that I am a liar and I was just tricking her to teach her a lesson. There's no doubt in my mind that she would remember it for years to come but personally, I want my children to be able to trust in me and take me at my word without wondering if I'm lying to them. She's not going to be grateful to you for teaching her that particular lesson.

 

[tw1nsmom]

If it were me I would probably have my DH call her mother and discuss the situation. If it was agreeable to her mother I also would tell her she can't go to the Mall of America at all. I would tell her that it is obvious that she isn't grateful for what she has and that next time you are planning a trip you don't want to hear any begging/whining or she won't be going then either. I would only do this if the mother agrees to switch weekends so that you and DH could still get time with DD (you wouldn't want her to think that you and her father didn't want to spend time with her). It would also be important that the mother agrees or she would probably be undermining the lesson being taught. Oh well, this is just what immediately came to mind. I'm sure you'll come up with a solution that's best for your family. Good luck.

 

[mudnuri]

Geez, I'll probably get flamed for this, but here goes anyhow.

This problem didn't apear overnight. Over the course of this child's life she probably has been given into. When she's begged and pleaded, probably the answer has turned to yes.

I see this all the time. I was just at Okemo yesterday, with DD's elementary school, along with the middle and high school. A child who was 12's parents had packed her a lunch, her DF was a chaperone. She wasn't happy with the lunch, now this lunch had just about everything in it that you could ask for. She complained and complained until her DF gave into her and brought her downstairs, and proceeded to spend almost $20.00 on her NEW lunch, which she ate about 1/4 of and threw the rest away.

DD's are 6 and 7 and KNOW better than to beg and plead. Don't get me wrong, they may ask for something in Wal-Mart for instance, and if the answer is no, well thats the answer, end of story. There isn't the whiney miserable behavior coming out of them!

There are MANY times when DD's are given what they ask for, by no means are they spoiled, however they know that if I say no today, chances are next week when we're at Wal-Mart again, I'll probably say yes.

DD's also have chores that they do at home, with an allowance, they split their allowance- 25% goes to savings for something special, 50% they can spend, (they normally save it)..and 25% is put into a jar, every other month we go and buy food at the Scratch and Dent store for the local food shelf. They pick it out, they bring it to the food shelf etc... This may be why they are thankful for what they do have, and dont beg me for more.

Let the flames begin..

Brandy

 

[FOJMO]

Even as an adult, I still can't understand "window shopping". Imagine how hard it is, then for children to comprehend, particularly if you frequent the malls and buy her something each and every time.

Maybe spending some time together other than at a mall or dept store would be a good idea. Rent some movies, play some board games, make a meal together, bake something, make something...

There's many other things to do as a family that don't cost a lot and don't involve the mall.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have to agree that "tricking" her into thinking that she is getting a new shirt and then dashing her hopes is a little cruel. I sure wouldn't want somebody to treat me that way.

If your local shelter works anything like ours, when you drop off donations you will not see any current residents. They are after all human beings working on getting their lives back together, not displays meant to be used for teaching our children good morals.

If you really want her to "get" the lesson, have her spend a couple afternoons helping to watch some of the younger children or working in the kitchen. She'll get more personal contact and a much better view of what their life is truly like.

I also agree that after a certain age an allowance is a very good idea. It teaches that money isn't limitless and also allows them to make their own choices. Whenever my son starts the "I waaaannnnnts" I just reply that he'll have to save his money and then walk away or end the conversation some other way. It takes awhile, but they do eventually get the idea.

 

[Lewski709]

That has got to be possibly the worst advice I have ever heard.

To each his own, but it worked for me and I don't hear anymore nagging. Mine learned they can't have everything they want there are people out there who have NOTHING. Seeing is believing. A little harsh, yep.

Spending time at the food shelter is nice too. I spend time volunteering for what we call Hope Rescue Mission bi-monthly by perparing and serving the food. Maybe she could volunteer for big brother/big sister. You can learn all kinds of things about the people where I live, if you want to help out. Specific donations can be made to specific people there.