How to decide whether or not to have 2nd child?

[islandmum]

having 2 for us was never in question ..... for us having 1 just wasnt right. Everybody is so diferent -

what I would say is that both are kids are so different in many ways and we love them in different ways too - our oldest ds the son and heir! my little handsome chappie

and ds youngest is our baby boy and lights up our lives with his smile!

I would love to go for another (and maybe have a little ) but many factors hold me back including lifestyle, pregnancy again (mine were AWFUL!!), could I take a 3rd c-section, age of dh (he's 40 - I just dont want to stress him with college fees into his 60's), etc etc

so we have have hapily settled with the 2 of them.

as for Downs Syndrome - we all want our kids to be perfect, healthy children, but of the downs kids I know (3 of them) they are amongst the most special people I will ever know and have brought love to their families they never thought possible. They are a joy, and normal naughty little devils too

 

[SandrainNC]

They are a joy, and normal naughty little devils too

LOL!!!!! So true!!!!

Sandra

 

[monorailsilver]

That is a tough decision.

I have 3. I originally wanted the Brady 6 but then realized that I only wanted 4 & dh wanted zero but I wouldn't marry him until he commited to 1.

So we got preggo 3 months after getting married.

He told me we were done but then my sister kept telling him & me that when you go on a vacation & it is just us 2 & our dd that she would want us to play in the sand with her, to build, to swim, to fly a frisbee (and at home too). Which is all fine & dandy but sometimes we like to kick back & watch them play.

So we had another & I told him that I was fine with 2. Well #3 came as a surprise but now I am officially done.

It is a tough decision but like a PP said you might regret it if you don't have one & you are on the fence or you may not regret it.

Right now, I will gladly give you my 6 yo & 3 ½ yo because they are driving me batty. The 15 month old is the good one right now!

 

[VanessasMom]

If you are not totally ready for it, wait until you are. If that time doesn't come, then it doesn't happen. Don't rush into something because of something your dr. told you. Rush into it because you want to. It sounds to me like you're not sure right now. So, wait and make sure. A child is a big commitment and you need to be completely ready.

Plenty of people will tell you to have a baby because they think of it as a wonderful experience. Well, it is, but they are not the ones staying up all night and dealing with the difficulties of being a parent. You are. You need to be ready for anything.

I found that out with my dd. We planned our pregnancy with much excitment and love. We absolutely were ready for our baby. I had a textbook pregnancy with no problems until 2 weeks before my due date. Comlications started then and escalated until delivery. My baby was in stress and had meconium in the amniotic fluid, was op positioned, and was basically stuck and ripped my insides horribly. Then, after her lungs were sucked out with intabation, I finally got to hold her. It was awesome!

I decided to room-in with her. She screamed and cried horribly. I breastfed her and I consoled her. She never stopped screaming. After 5 nights of 2 hours of sleep (not consecutive), I took her to the ped. She had severe acid reflux. I was releived that I was not the horrible mother I thought I was. She went on meds immediately. As she grew, she had different meds, upper gi's, barium swallows, bleeding esophagus, medical beds, choked on her vomit and stopped breathing, excessive gag reflex, multiple hospitalizations, speech therapy, occupational therapy, massage therapy, etc. She is now 3 years old and still has reflux. Her medication was just doubled last week because of some more symptoms. She is now healthy besides the reflux. She is finally back on the growth chart and can eat pretty well (besides occasionally choking on the food). I learned to cope. I took CPR classes and used them. I learned how to administer therapy. I learned everything from how to tell if a dr is fantastic to how to syringe feed a baby. Through it all I didn't have one regret. I love my daughter so much and she was so wanted I wouldn't change a thing.

That being said, when we considered having another last year (I am now 35) the decision was pretty simple. We decided we did not have the energy or financial ability (still paying off medical bills). We enjoy being a family of 3 even though we originally planned to have 3 children. I won't regret not having another. I have my princess and she will have everything. She is a fantastic daughter and we cannot be happier with her.

So, consider all things when you make your decision. It is an emotional as well as financial decision. Don't let your age rush you. Don't let anyone talk you into or out of your decision. It is your decision. Only you and your dh can make that decision. IMHO, if you can't decide then I say wait until you are sure either way. It is not a decision to enter into lightly.

Good luck whatever you decide. My your outcome be what you dream it wil be. Enjoy your family!

 

[ashleypmo]

I always thought I'd have 2 kids. We now have 4; 3 planned by us, the fourth was God's little surprise! Once upon a time I was a big time career woman, loved freedom, dropped hundreds of bucks a weekend on entertainment, etc. But the joy you get from having one child is multiplied more than you can ever imagine when you see them together as siblings. It's magic!

BTW, our 4th--God's surprise--has Down syndrome. Oh--don't be worried that I would be offended that you're terrified by Down syndrome. I was too! But you know what? It is the most amazing blessing! I know that people who don't have children with Downs think that's just something that those of us who do say to make ourselves feel better. But I have 3 non-downs children, too, so I have a pretty good basis for comparison. They are each unique, amazing beings. Having Mason has opened up a new world of experiences for us. And that's what life is: it's the sum of the experiences you have, some more challenging than others, not just the little moments of perceived perfection inbetween.

I have met so many amazing people with Down syndrome who have done some unbelievable things--I know a 14 year old barrel racer (she competes w/ non-disabled peers and races their boots off!), a woman who does sign interpretation for Christian recording artist Sandi Patti and the Women of Faith conferences, gosh, there are so many cool stories!

It was really scary when we first found out, but then you realize this is just a child like any other. Besides, there are many, many things way more life altering than Down syndrome that can't be tested for. My DD3 has a peanut allergy--waaaayy more terrifying than Down syndrome--no joke!

So I would encourage you not to let that fear stop you from having another child either now or in the future if you decide that's what's right for your family. If my house weren't so darn full & I weren't getting so darn old I wouldn't hesitate to have another, regardless of the risk of Downs. We may adopt a child with Downs at some point also. It's really not a big deal.

Best wishes to you & your family! That little one is so cute, how could you not keep those genes going?

 

[bopper]

Some thoughts:

Did you ever have sort of a vision on how big your family would be? Did your DH? We have two kids and I always envisioned 2-3 kids.

Many things are made for families of 4, so it isn't as inconvenient when you go to 3 kids. Cars, restaurants, hotels, etc. are geared towards 4.

When your kids get older, would it be good for them to have a sibling? When you are in a nursing home, would it be good for them to have someone to lean on?

Daycare will only last a few years, but their sibling will be for a lifetime.

Limiting of travel will not be that different with one kid or two after the first few years.

One of the awesome things about more than one kid (this is in the case of biological children) is that you probably have noticed that your child has aspects of you and your Dh. He may look like one of you more, but have a personality like the other, like food like one, but have interests like the other. Another child provides a whole 'nother mix of all those attributes...they are kind of like you, kind of like your DH, kind of like the sibling, but unique in their own way.

If you don't have another, you may regret it. If you do, I bet you won't.

 

[lecach]

Some thoughts:

Did you ever have sort of a vision on how big your family would be? Did your DH? We have two kids and I always envisioned 2-3 kids.

DH always thought he'd have two - but then he grew up in a 2-kid family. I never really thought about it. I was an only but I never really envisioned what my future family would look like.

Right now we're both having issues with work. I was told that I may be laid off. And DH works for a newspaper and newspapers are pretty unstable these days. So it would be incredibly irresponsible right now to have another. I have my yearly physical scheduled for September. Hopefully by then the work front will be more settled. And I can talk to the Dr. about my egg expiration date

 

[ashbee]

I agree I think you should ask all of the questions even though they can be very difficult. For me though I would love to have four. We only have the 1 right now but I have baby fever in a bad way. If I am not thinking about our upcoming Disney trip I am thinking about babies. So, hopefully in the near future we will be having number 2. I want to have all of my kids before I am 30.

 

[Cruz91]

If you both want another child - by all means have fun making it.

If you just want another baby - remember it will become a child.

 

[Starr W.]

Oh yeah -- it's really been a blast. And since I KNOW this is my last pregnancy, I'm able to enjoy it a little more. My oldest and youngest DDs wanted a boy, but my middle DD wanted another girl so she could give makeovers and play dress-up. I suspect our son is going to sit through a lot of makeovers before he's old enough to protest ! Have a great trip in December.

My eldest was so worried when I was pregnant that I would have a girl and girls don't like to play pirates(he was 4 at the time). So when they called with the amnio results, they asked if I wanted to know what I was having. I said yes, it was another boy. Personally I was glad as I had saved alot of eldest's baby clothes and I could use them again!

Faster forward 6 yrs, and they eldest wishes he had a sister(younger son has the "annoying younger brother" act down pat.

 

[WDWorBUST]

If you both want another child - by all means have fun making it.

If you just want another baby - remember it will become a child.

I honestly think this is the best piece of advice a person deciding whether to have a child can be given. I have one DD - who is 3 1/2 now. I have always thought I wanted 2 children (still do). However, when we would talk about it we would always talk about another "baby". It finally dawned on me that we needed to be discussing another "child" because just as puppy's grow up to be dogs - babies grow up to be children. When I think of it this way - although I do want another "child" - I do think of it a little more objectively and in-depth.

 

[chrisw127]

You're smart to give this decision so much thought. I had my first at 37 and then went through numerous miscarriages before having twins earlier this year at 42. For me, having at least two children was always the goal. We never thought about the financial consequences or the stresses on the relationship and frankly, when you're heart is that set on another child, practicalities won't change your mind. To be honest, finances, lack of sleep, time for the older child are an issue, of course, but not something you can't overcome if what you truly want is another child. Having said that, I have a new understanding of how special a family of three can be and how incredibly flexible your life can be with just one child. I don't think I realized that until I tried to go to Target with all three! But I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

On the fertility front, you are smart to get crackin', as they say, if that is what you want. Having done several years of treatments and testing at fertility clinics, I can tell you that your doctor can only give you a rough guess of how much longer you have. A lot of women can't conceive at all in their late 30s. Many more can; I've met plenty of first time after-40 moms on the playground. It really is an individual thing. For me, getting pregnant happened on the first tryeverytime we decided we had the courage to try again; it was just staying that way that was difficult. You may be lucky--many women are.

Good luck in making your decision. It sounds like you have a lovely little family.

 

[slduck]

That is a really tough decision. The advice about babies growing up to become children was the best ! Thank goodness because the first year can be rough.

At age 37, I gave birth to my 2nd. It took us 4 1/2 years to forget those sleepless nights, the screaming, and REFLUX that came with our first. Now he is one, and I can't believe how fast time flies. Keeping up with a little one is much more difficult with age, but I am not ready for the "nursing home" yet. Maybe after we get both to the teenage years, we will be ready for the "psych ward."

Having said that, we waited until I was in a better position with work and family until we decided to have another. I stressed about it long before the pregnancy, but we just knew when the time was right.