How to decide whether or not to have 2nd child?

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I have to add my own experience to what mumom said: There are 15 years between me and my youngest sister. No, we were not close in the normal kind of sibling way when growing up-more like a parent/child type of relationship. I was married and out of the house by the time my little sister started kindergarten. However, as she got older, we have grown incredibly close and enjoy the best friendship I could ever hope for. An age gap is not a horrific thing. I know some friends of mine who are close in age to their siblings and they don't even speak to each other now.

 

[Mainebound]

I know some moms who just "knew" after the birth of their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or whatever number child that their family was complete.

I was one of those who wavered on having a 3rd child. After a lot of dicsussions and soul-searching, DH and I decided not to.

I think any woman who has experienced the joys of mothering will naturally hesitate -- even if for just a second -- on the question of whether she has seen the last of her childbearing years.

Today I think we made the right decision to stick with our 2 boys, but acknowledging that my years of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing were behind me was, like any life passage, not an easy thing to do.

I have a dear friend who is a mom to one and I know she felt a lot of pressure from family, friends, and even herself to provide a sibling. I have another friend who has just had her fourth, and she got pretty tired of people making jokes about that too! I don't know why, but some people think they know the right number of kids for other people's families...

Good luck with your decision.

 

[dvcnewgirl]

From your posts it sounds like you are fine with one and your life is the way you want it financially. I would say go with your gut. I have 2 and it is hard ( I am 33) my daughter was 3 when I had my son and it was totally starting over again. She was becoming independent and I am back changing diapers. I love my son and I am glad I have 2 but I REALLY wanted 2 I would hate to be doing this if I was not sure. Good Luck with your decision.

 

[jenrose66]

Hmmm...this is a tough one. I personally feel that if your heart isn't really in it...if you don't desparately want a second child, then you shouldn't have one.

I am only 25. I have a 10 month old son. I love him to death, but I don't think I want another one. Actually, I feel very strongly that I don't want another baby. I would never want to give my son back, but I feel like I did it once and I don't care to do it again. My DH on the other hand came from a large family and thinks we need at least one more. This may cause problems down the line. He thinks I'll change my mind...I really don't think I will.

But, back to your situation. You can't logically look at the pros and cons of adding another life to this world. You either want one or you don't.

 

[tinaluis]

We were in this position a few months ago but, we were deciding if we wanted to have #4 or not. I know, four sounds crazy, but my husband is the youngest of ten, so this seems small to him. We have 3 dd's and have decided to start trying for our last. I'm 37 and have decided its now or never. We have friends with only one child, and I applaud their decision, as they are under a lot of pressure to have the second. Follow your hearts, this is a question only you can answer. Good luck. Janice

This sounds a lot like DH and I. We have three DDs and decided to try for one more when I turned 38. I was sure we were done long ago and was actually surprised because the decision to try one more time was my decision! We'd had fertility problems in the past so we weren't sure if I'd be able to get pregnant (or carry the pregnancy to term). Two months later, we found out I was pregnant and our son is due 8/15/07. We were a little worried about Down Syndrome and other birth defects, but were just as worried when I was pregnant with the girls. The only thing different with this pregnancy is that I had an amnio done at my OB's recommendation and I had terrible morning sickness in the beginning.

I remember reading a post like this one here on the DIS a long time ago and someone posted that you'll never regret having another but you might regret not having tried. It really stuck in my mind and I didn't want to look back on things with regret. If we tried and it didn't work, at least I'd have felt that we tried.

Good luck with your decision. I know it isn't an easy one!

 

[katyjeka]

Hate to go off subject but after 3 girls you must be having a lot of fun picking out boy stuff. I'm sure he'll make a great addition to your family( We are planning our Dec trip to WDW and I've got a feeling I won't be riding the mountains) Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and congrats. Janice

 

[bzzymom]

This will probably be long, bear with me.

I had DS (he will be 10 in 2 weeks) when I was 27 after 2 year of fertility treatment. I had a rough pregnancy. I was told I was having a miscarraige based on lab work, and I went to ultrasound and found that it was viable and I had to go on bedrest for a couple weeks. Then I had hyperemesis and lost over 20 pounds, before week 20. I did gain some of the weight back. We have a small house. We have a modest income. I am a nurse and I make more than DH. I wasn't sure we could afford another child. I was happy with only one child. DH wanted another child, but didn't push me at all. Many friends and co-workers kept telling me another child, try for more kids, don't have an only child. I didn't want another child, but I didn't do a whole lot about it. I have only 3 to 4 periods a year, and I had to get regulated to have periods to get pregnant with DS and then it was still tough. We hadn't used any birth control for 9 years when I started getting sick all the time again. I thought it was my gallbladder and I was shocked that I was pregnant. I remember going to work and I kept crying and crying and people thought I was having marital problems or had something else big going on. I finally blurted out that I was pregnant. They all knew how I felt about not having more kids. They were very supportive and helped me out a lot. I had another difficult pregnancy. I lost over 20 pounds again and had to go in for IV fluids again and all that. I have a beautiful daughter who is now 3. She is an absolute joy. We have managed well enough financially. I am blessed now, I have a boy and a girl. I had a tubal ligation the day after DD was born I took DD to WDW as a baby and other vacations that I didn't take DS to until he was older. We managed fine.

I had no intention of having a second child, but when it happened, it was meant to be. I can't imagine life without her. It is hard not to listen to what other people say. Do what is in your heart.

 

[lecach]

Of course now I am really paying attention to everything - looking for signs.

Saturday night we were in a hotel in the mountains (took DS to see Thomas at the train amusement park) and DS woke up crying around midnight. He was saying "baby, want a baby girl". DH asked "do you want Mommy to have a baby?" and DS said "yes, baby". And then went back to sleep. No idea what that was about - it was very strange and I wondered if it was a sign.

Then we were at my Aunts yesterday and I got to hold my cousins baby (a few months old). She was such a cute baby, and I always thought I wanted a little girl, but holding her I didn't have an ache in my heart telling me "I gotta get one of these". It felt so foreign to hold a little baby.

If I really look deep inside myself, I think that maybe 1 is enough. I don't know if I have the patience or energy to do the infant thing again. I don't handle sleep deprivation well at all.

BUT I don't think I am ready to make a final decision......

 

[belle&beast]

BUT I don't think I am ready to make a final decision......

I understand this completely. DH and I feel very complete with our 2 children. I don't want another baby, I don't feel like someone is missing from our home, as I said we are complete and very happy. But there is still that little part of me that will not allow DH to take care of it permanently. (and he is willing to do so)

 

[Starr W.]

But there is still that little part of me that will not allow DH to take care of it permanently. (and he is willing to do so)

My DH was willing to "do it" also, as we originally were going to stick with one child. "Yeah, I call the doctor." was his response. Well on our 6th aniver. I discovered I was pregnant. Well then we got into, if I had to have another c-section I would get it taken care of. If I had to push, he would go in.

Well my youngest was breech, so off for another c-section and got "fixed".

My youngest is a real hoot(off to kindergarten in the fall) and were glad we had him.

 

[Oceana]

BUT I don't think I am ready to make a final decision......

and dispite what your doctor says you do not have to decide now

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Of course now I am really paying attention to everything - looking for signs.

Saturday night we were in a hotel in the mountains (took DS to see Thomas at the train amusement park) and DS woke up crying around midnight. He was saying "baby, want a baby girl". DH asked "do you want Mommy to have a baby?" and DS said "yes, baby". And then went back to sleep. No idea what that was about - it was very strange and I wondered if it was a sign.

Then we were at my Aunts yesterday and I got to hold my cousins baby (a few months old). She was such a cute baby, and I always thought I wanted a little girl, but holding her I didn't have an ache in my heart telling me "I gotta get one of these". It felt so foreign to hold a little baby.

If I really look deep inside myself, I think that maybe 1 is enough. I don't know if I have the patience or energy to do the infant thing again. I don't handle sleep deprivation well at all.

BUT I don't think I am ready to make a final decision......

Makes perfect sense to me. I would hold off on making any life altering decisions just yet. I felt the exact same way after 2.

 

[MindyLuvsMickey]

Our DS will be 3 in August.

After he was born, we knew right away that we wanted to have one more. How could we not? He was a perfect baby (still is). We got pregnant 3 times after, but no baby to hold. We went the adoption route, but stopped mid-way to try fertility treatments. I chickened out just prior to having my first insemination, though.

Now here we are . . . one precious, perfect little boy. We've decided that we are going to enjoy the time we have with him and do our best to give him the world (that includes regular trips to The World).

It's a hard decision to make but a very personal one. I struggle everyday with it. I would love to have one more, but think that it's in our best interest to have only one.

 

[3jsmommy]

I can't tell you what is right for your family, but I am one of seven & now a mom of three, and I would not let family vacations or anything "material" sway you. I would never trade the bond I have w/ my siblings or watching my sons playing every day, all day for any amount of vacations in the world. I know you have other concerns but the greatest gift you will EVER give your child is a sibling. I know all about sleep deprivation I have an 8 mth old right now that is up alot still & who knows when i'll get a full night sleep! In the grand scheme of things does that matter?
Will life be easier for you if you do not have more kids...maybe...will you regret it if you do have another...after seeing your baby smile at his/her brother for the first time you won't remember ever having a doubt.

 

[CampbellScot]

I don't know if this will help, but my husband is an only child...his mom says they just could not afford another child. So they didn't have any. My husband is one of the most well adjusted, solid, stable, hard working, confident men I have ever come across in my entire life. (okay I'm a little biased, but truly he's great!) I've asked him before if was sorry he never had siblings. His immediate answer is "Not one bit". He sees that as much as I love my sisters, good lord the drama...when were young and NOW. My mom always said my older sister would have been a great only child. It's true...she resented every breath I took from the moment I was born. She didn't want me there and let me know it every chance she got. That certainly had an effect on who I became and my self esteem. Meanness aside, I love my sisters,I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but my husband was very happy to be an only child. He developed a sense of self and independence. My husband would be a different man if he had been an "older brother". He might have grown tired of always having to be the role model or having to be the one who "knew better"...He just was who he was and didn't have to behave a certain way in regards to having a sibling...if that makes any sense.

Being an only child can be a wonderful thing. Of course every child is different but I just wanted to give some perspective from one very well adjusted only child!

Good luck no matter what you choose. I believe that whatever is supposed to be...will be.

 

[MinnieTink]

This is such a personal decision, but here's my 2 cents...

When we were considering baby #3, (when my daughters were 9 and 5, and I was 33) I somewhat felt like, Boy, do I really want to start all over again w/ the diapers, etc etc, when I am out of the woods with that?? My thought process was that I MIGHT regret not trying for another child, but I would never regret or resent a child. As you can see from my sig below, we had our bouncing baby boy about 9 months ago, and the experience has just been the BEST for our entire family!! We are thrilled and feel soooooo blessed with our now complete family!

If you decide not to go for it, I was an only child too. My childhood was so calm and quiet compared to the looney bin that my house feels like sometimes! Either way, your family will be wonderful as long as it is full of love and laughter!

Best wishes!!

 

[tinaluis]

Hate to go off subject but after 3 girls you must be having a lot of fun picking out boy stuff. I'm sure he'll make a great addition to your family( We are planning our Dec trip to WDW and I've got a feeling I won't be riding the mountains) Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and congrats. Janice

Oh yeah -- it's really been a blast. And since I KNOW this is my last pregnancy, I'm able to enjoy it a little more. My oldest and youngest DDs wanted a boy, but my middle DD wanted another girl so she could give makeovers and play dress-up. I suspect our son is going to sit through a lot of makeovers before he's old enough to protest ! Have a great trip in December.

 

[MinnieTink]

Hey Tinaluis!

We just had our son after 2 girls....He is so different! In a wonderful sort of way! My daughters have "stepped up" and help take care of him and love him and make him laugh. ENJOY THE BOY!

Btw...our next door neighbors had a boy after 3 dds about 3 weeks before our son was born! It is the year of the boy, I think! And they did not find out via ultrasound, so they were super-surprised to find out that there was a stem on that apple!!!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

This is a good point. I can't say that a child would ADD something we're missing - but it would surely take away. We're lucky to be able to travel. This weekend we're taking DS to the mountains to see Thomas the Train. Even though it's not far away, by the time we pay for 2 nights hotel, food, and tickets we're looking at $350 easily. With another child we'd probably have to really rethink those plans.

I guess I worry that if we decide not to have another - we'll regret it later on. But it's also possible we have another and regret THAT decision later on.....

Did I mention that we have a tough time making decisions ?

I was on the fence about having a third child.

My sister said to me that I would never regret having the third child once it was here, but I might regret not having it down the road.

We didn't go for the third child and I've always regretted it.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

I have one right now, who is turning three soon. We go back and forth on having another one. I am a very happy only child who has many, many close friends, a best friend who is like my sister and my cousin who acts as a sibling and a great relationship with my parents. My husband is incredibly close to his brother and his parents. So we know both ways can work.

I feel like we have time and that either way, we'll be happy. It's s tough, though, isn't it???