How to decide whether or not to have 2nd child?

[SandrainNC]

It isn't about wanting or not wanting, and it isn't about "perfection" either -- no human being is "perfect" as that is the nature of humanity.

Genetic testing is about being aware, making informed decisions, and taking into account the needs of your entire family. The test doesn't make any decisions for you, it just gives you the knowledge you need to be able to make them. Trisomies can be accompanied by many possible complications, and not every parent has the ability to accept and manage all of them; especially those which may put a mother's health in serious danger. The CVS is an early test that allows parents the time to make an informed decision without a need to rush into anything; it is an important option for people who need to think things through carefully, no matter how they may eventually decide to proceed.

That is why I put the quotes around perfect. Nobody is perfect, but a lot of people want what they consider perfect children.

I definitely hear what you are saying though. But 95% of people terminate because of Down syndrome. And I find that very sad. Especially when there are people out there who are waiting to adopt a child with Down syndrome.

One other thing I wanted to say is that there are no guarantees in life (as all of us know of course). Just because a baby is born with no problems, doesn't mean things do not happen. So if you want another child, then don't worry so much about the what ifs. Autism, for example, isn't diagnosed until a good bit after a baby is born. And I think it happens more frequent than Down syndrome (could be wrong about that though). And of course there is no test ahead of time for that. I know someone who's nephew now has a disability because he had cancer and lost one of his legs. But he was born fine. No guarantees with anything. We just do the best we can I think.

Special needs children need very special parents.

Boy, I don't think that is true at all!!! I just love my child(ren) unconditionally. That is all.

Sandra

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I'll be 38 in October and have a DD who will be 4 soon. We are due with our 2nd in a little over a month. We had long discussions regarding the pros and cons. finances, time constraints, getting back in to the sleepless nights and diapers etc., what will the temperment of the baby be... In the end the pros outweigh'd the cons. I have a close relationship with my sister, DH has a good relationship with his...We wanted DD to have that.

I just really tried to envison my life both ways with one child vs two..I was comfortable with either way but this way had the stronger pull for me.

Pregnancy was difficult with my first, preeclampsia, bed rest etc. so it was a bit scary to make. This one I had a lot more genetic tests because I was over 35..and opted for amnio because of the results from some of those tests. All came back fine from that..but it was stressful waiting. I agree with the above poster that special needs children need special moms/dads and I know unfortunately that I am not a strong enough person for that.

I think you need to go into with eyes wide open and be very comfortable with your decision. Both parents need to be completely on board as well. I still have moments of panic "what have I done " but they do pass.

Best of luck with your decision.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I too am scared of having a special needs child. Special needs children need very special parents. I'm very realistic (to a fault) honest with myself, and I don't think I could handle it.

I can understand your feelings, but be assured, those of us that are parents to special needs children didn't think we could handle it either (in most cases) and you would be amazed at what you are capable of when it is your child. I never thought I would be married to a man that was handicapped or have two children that are not the "perfect" children most crave, but you just learn to adapt and overcome.

 

[belle&beast]

That is why I put the quotes around perfect. Nobody is perfect, but a lot of people want what they consider perfect children.

I definitely hear what you are saying though. But 95% of people terminate because of Down syndrome. And I find that very sad. Especially when there are people out there who are waiting to adopt a child with Down syndrome.

One other thing I wanted to say is that there are no guarantees in life (as all of us know of course). Just because a baby is born with no problems, doesn't mean things do not happen. So if you want another child, then don't worry so much about the what ifs. Autism, for example, isn't diagnosed until a good bit after a baby is born. And I think it happens more frequent than Down syndrome (could be wrong about that though). And of course there is no test ahead of time for that. I know someone who's nephew now has a disability because he had cancer and lost one of his legs. But he was born fine. No guarantees with anything. We just do the best we can I think.



Boy, I don't think that is true at all!!! I just love my child(ren) unconditionally. That is all.

Sandra

As I said earlier, I work with special needs children, I did have the triple screen (I think that is what the test was called when I had it). I had the test to prepare if there was a neurotube defect or Down syndrome. DH and I would never have terminated a pregnancy, but we knew that we would have to educate and prepare our families. I love children with special needs- I have dedicated my career to them- DH studied special education in college, but our families would have had a tough time just because they are not familiar with Down syndrome.

I also have to say that you are right about autism being more prevalent- I have seen statistics on a commercial lately that say 1 in 150. I also am experiencing first hand that a typically developing child can develop medical issues later in childhood, so there are never any guarantees.

 

[mom2alix]

But it's also possible we have another and regret THAT decision later on.....

I've never heard anyone regret that they had one of their children. I personally know many (from my grandmother to friends my own age) who kind of wish they'd had just one more, but finances kept them from doing that.

Even if money is tight, they might regret not being able to afford something, but NEVER have I heard someone say, "I wish we'd never had that last kid, I'd rather have a trip to the Bahamas."

Keep in mind too, that some of the concerns you have money-wise will be short-term. Before you know it your DS will be starting Kindergarten and the baby would be in preschool and those costs will go away.

 

[SandrainNC]

As I said earlier, I work with special needs children, I did have the triple screen (I think that is what the test was called when I had it). I had the test to prepare if there was a neurotube defect or Down syndrome. DH and I would never have terminated a pregnancy, but we knew that we would have to educate and prepare our families.

Yes, I think it was the triple something. We didn't do it because it is such an unreliable test (lots of false negatives and false positives) and I knew I would not want an amnio if something showed up. I definitely know that not all people choose to terminate. Just the majority. And that a lot want to know ahead of time to educate themselves, etc. I was better off not knowing because I would have worried about whether he had heart problems or not the whole time I was pregnant. Since I tend to be a worrier anyway.

Sandra

 

[NotUrsula]

FYI: the triple screen is really not used anymore because it shows too many false positives. The new screening test for ALL pregnancies is a combination of a Level 2 ultrasound and a blood test, but my personal feeling is that if you are old enough to be in the high risk group you shouldn't waste time with screening tests at all, but go straight to a CVS, which will give you a definitive result at the earliest possible date.

I *did* terminate a T21 pregnancy at age 43; in my case there was no real choice, because my child's condition was lethal, and the complications that came along with it were causing my kidneys to fail. I can't say for certain if I would have made the same decision had those complications not been present, but I'm inclined to believe I would have. She would not have been our first child, and given our ages, eventual responsibility for her care would have devolved solely upon her older brother once she reached adulthood. We did not feel that it would have been fair to deliberately and with knowledge aforethought put that financial and emotional responsibility on his shoulders without his conscious agreement, but he was too young to decide for himself at the time.

 

[belle&beast]

I was better off not knowing because I would have worried about whether he had heart problems or not the whole time I was pregnant. Since I tend to be a worrier anyway.

Sandra

Me, too! I think I know just enough to be dangerous. By the way, your children are adorable!

 

[las3888]

I just thought I would add my 2 cents because you sound alot like me. I had my 1st child at 38 and I am now 40 (almost 41). I talked to my OB recently about having another (not that I was serious) and she said, the door is not totally closed, but it is CLOSING. I guess that means it's possible that you may have a little bit more time. My pregnancy was medium-risk, too, so it was a little encouraging that she said that to me.

About me: we always kind of thought we would only have one. We have one now and he is wonderful. Since I had a medium-risk pregnancy, I worried constantly throughout the pregnancy and really didn't have a chance to enjoy it. I also have worried his first 2 years, with the increase of autism etc. I just couldn't totally relax and enjoy it as much I would have liked.

I think we will be stopping now...biggest reason is that DH is now 47 (!!!). It's just too old for my taste to start with a newborn again.

There is a tiny bit of me that maybe regrets it, but I do feel pretty good with just having DS in alot of ways. Right now I don't feel "incomplete" as a family. I really look it at on the flip side: I am so happy and lucky that I have my guy...we almost didn't have kids at all!!!

Good luck with these tough decisions!

 

[Oceana]

Having another kid has nothing to do with money or time or space or your age... it has to do with your and your DH's deepest desires. Look there for an answer not here

and I want to comment... I am 34 I had my 1st baby at 30 and would not want it any other way... I have no concerns about my body being able to have babies after 40 untill I acheive menopause.

I do not feel tied down or unable to vacation with young kids and I do not foresee me being too old to travel with kidlets until I am cold in the ground. My DH and I had 10 years before kids but wouldnt trade more of that for more years without kids for the world.

We plan to have another... perhaps 2... it is my and his deepest desire to fill our home with kidlets and all of their struggles and joys. I may be over 40 when I have them I may be younger but that is for me and my eggs to decide not some doctors.

 

[SandrainNC]

By the way, your children are adorable!

Thank you! They are both sweethearts.

Sandra

 

[SandrainNC]

I *did* terminate a T21 pregnancy at age 43; in my case there was no real choice, because my child's condition was lethal, and the complications that came along with it were causing my kidneys to fail. I can't say for certain if I would have made the same decision had those complications not been present, but I'm inclined to believe I would have. She would not have been our first child, and given our ages, eventual responsibility for her care would have devolved solely upon her older brother once she reached adulthood. We did not feel that it would have been fair to deliberately and with knowledge aforethought put that financial and emotional responsibility on his shoulders without his conscious agreement, but he was too young to decide for himself at the time.

If your health was in jeopardy, then I completely understand what you had to do. That would have to be very hard. But, as far as the rest of your post, that is why I was letting people know that there are people out there who want to adopt these children. So that they can be brought up by people who want to care for them. If someone feels they simply cannot do it, there is an alternative (adoption) to termination. I want people to know that because doctors do not always tell the whole story when they give families the news. There was a news article recently about just that. How moms were told that the baby they were carrying had Down syndrome. And most doctors are very very negative, which is just wrong because it scares them so much. They need to know the whole truth about the situation. A lot of parents are starting to volunteer to let the OBs give out their name and number to pregnant parents going through this so they can talk to someone who has been there and get a better picture of how much more like other children these kids are than different.

Anyway, sorry to the OP for turning a lot of the post into a Down syndrome topic. I just feel very very strongly about my child and other children with Down syndrome and other disabilities. And what an absolute joy he is. He teaches me so much.


Sandra

 

[MrsJackSparrow]

OP, are you fulfilled as a mother?

Do you feel your family is complete?

Will you have a nagging ache if you decide not to have another child?



We can't answer these questions for you. You know what is in your heart.

 

[Hillbeans]

Leigh - I haven't read all of the responses but I will give you my thoughts. I had my first child when I was 30. He is now 6.

I never had that feeling that some people get that they could never love another child more than their first. DH and I had always said that we wanted 2 children and we both had siblings that we got along well with.

When DS was 2 we started trying to have # 2 and it took us a few years because of some issues.

My youngest son is now 20 months and while he is a complete handful, there is no question in my mind that having # 2 and pushing through fertility issues was all worth it.

My husband and I always say that the best give we could have given to our older son was his younger brother and vice versa. They are the best of friends and I can't imagine how different my DS 6's personality would be without DS 1 around. In addition, DS 1 just fit into the mix of our household so well and it's hard to imagine our lives without him in it.

Best of luck to you in your decision. BTW, my kids are 4.5 years apart and get along wonderfully. It wasn't what we planned, but for our family it seems to work out really well.

 

[wehavesix]

It's truly your decision and I haven't read all the responses so this may have already been said. I can't IMAGINE my life without my sisters. They are my best friends through thick and thin. I know they will always be there for me as I am for them. I realize that not all siblings are close. My dh and his siblings are a good example of that. But at least he knows they are there to share the history of their family with him and to support one another through the death of their father and the caring for their aging mother.

The bonds of a sibling group can be the one thing that truly lasts a lifetime. Four of my children came to us through adoption. They share a biological mother and needed to stay together. Being together has helped them heal from their trauma and loss and has made a difference in their abilty to bond with their new family (us). I guess I just wanted to add a slightly different perspective. The perspective of your child and his (possible) future sibling.

Sorry if I've muddied the waters even more.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Just have another baby.... Its been the BEST thing in the world. Our daughters are buddies and I CANNOT imagine life without either one! Maybe things will be a little tighter financially for awhile but WHO CARES.... kids don't need weekend trips to the Hamptons to make them happy---they just need the basic neccessities and love.

The amount of laughter in our family has quadrupled since my second one has been born. I love on SAturday mornings both kids crawl into bed with us and the dog.
Just my two cents....

 

[angiejg]

Well, I haven't read all the posts, but I'll give you my 2 cents.

I am now 40 and had my youngest when I was 36. I was considered "advanced maternal age" then. My doctor (a specialist) said that there isn't anything to that until you are at least 42. It's just something they have to say.

I had my first daughter at 31 and knew I wanted another child. I was worried about getting too old as well, so we carefully planned a second child. I would have had her one month short of turning 35, in my perfect plan. However, I lost her due to Trisomy 13 at 20 weeks. Deciding to try one more time was terrifying. We did and we got our son who is now 4. We had genetic testing and found that what had happened before was just a "fluke" as they say.

Anyway, to me I just knew that my family wasn't complete. Although I was scared, I was more scared by the idea of being afraid and looking back years from now wondering what could have been if that makes any sense.

What struck me in your post was that you said you couldn't get rid of your baby things. To me, I knew I was done when I could sell all that stuff at my garage sale and it didn't bother me one bit.

I will say that at 40 keeping up with my 4 year old boy is a lot tougher than it was at 35 when DD was 4 though! I can't imagine my life without him. He completed our family.

As for finances, I don't think it matters. We stressed about how we would afford Christmas, groceries, etc. with two, but you just do. Again, I'd hate to look back years from now wondering what if because of money.

So, I'm not much help! I say pray for the right decision for your family. Good luck! I think trying to decide on the second is so much tougher than trying to decide on the first!

Angie

 

[handicap18]

I'll add my thoughts from a male perspective. We had our first when DW was 31. We had one of those false postivies for Trisomy 18. That was scary. 2 1/2 years later we had #2. No false positives on this one. Definately Down syndrome. We did have some reservations afterwards about a third. However, since DD was doing so well it took away any reservations. #3 came less than 2 years later. After this though, I think we're done. Nothing to do with not wanting kids or anything, but, and she'll admit this herself, DW is not a very good pergnant lady. Plus we still have 2 in diapers. AHHHHH.

As for an age thing. I have an uncle who is 8 years older than I (I'm now 37) and his kids are the same age as my kids. My grandmother had her 7th when she was 39, and that was over 40 years ago. My MIL had her 3rd when she was 41 (that was 29 years ago). I have a cousin who had her son when she was 41. I know a lot of people who are having kids later in life. Just a fact of the age we live in.

We never thought about possible issues, our finances, what room they would sleep in, us being fulfilled, anything. We're great as we are.

My sister is having some issues getting pregnant and she is good with that. They made a decision that they would do everything they can up until it would start to cost money. After that to them it wasn't worth the effort. If it ever happens, it will happen.

If your having reservations about having another one, they maybe thats yourself telling you something.

What ever your decision, its just that, your decision.

one last thing, please please please please don't be affraid of Down syndrome. And don't let that factor into your decision. I wouldn't change anything about my DD. She is AWESOME! Its also an amazing community to belong to and one of the best things to happen to us and our family.

Best of luck in which ever decision you make.

 

[mumom95]

It's truly your decision and I haven't read all the responses so this may have already been said. I can't IMAGINE my life without my sisters. They are my best friends through thick and thin. I know they will always be there for me as I am for them. I realize that not all siblings are close. My dh and his siblings are a good example of that. But at least he knows they are there to share the history of their family with him and to support one another through the death of their father and the caring for their aging mother.

The bonds of a sibling group can be the one thing that truly lasts a lifetime. Four of my children came to us through adoption. They share a biological mother and needed to stay together. Being together has helped them heal from their trauma and loss and has made a difference in their abilty to bond with their new family (us). I guess I just wanted to add a slightly different perspective. The perspective of your child and his (possible) future sibling.

Sorry if I've muddied the waters even more.

I was thinking about the same thing, how would having another child or not having another child affect her child now and down the road.

I have one sister (she is 8 years older than me). By the time I was 28 both my parents had passed away. Although I have a husband and two children, I can't imagine having gone through that without her being there. When I think about my childhood and family, she is all that is left and the only one who I can talk about "remember when mom and dad...." with.

Only you and your dh can make this decision. But one thing to think about...I'm sure your son will love Thomas the Train and all the other vacations he will go on, but will he love those more than having someone in his life who will be there even after you are gone (I realize there is no guarantee for this)

Just some more to think about.

 

[katyjeka]

We were in this position a few months ago but, we were deciding if we wanted to have #4 or not. I know, four sounds crazy, but my husband is the youngest of ten, so this seems small to him. We have 3 dd's and have decided to start trying for our last. I'm 37 and have decided its now or never. We have friends with only one child, and I applaud their decision, as they are under a lot of pressure to have the second. Follow your hearts, this is a question only you can answer. Good luck. Janice