How to deal with a bully?

[LovinPooh]

My DD8 has a little girl at school that wont stop calling her names and following her around. I wrote a note to the teacher, adn now the teacher has 'designed' a schedule for my DD and her BFF to play with this child every day of the week. Seems like my kid and her bff are the ones being punished. I am so frustrated! My kid has been complaining about this kid since Sept. I am afraid that if I get the principal involved the teacher will take it out on my dd. My dd doesnt need to come home crying. ughh... any advice?? Should I contact this other kids mom?

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

Has the teacher said why shes forcing them to play together? Have you told her that you don't think that is a good idea. That is where I would start.

 

[LovinPooh]

The schedule just came home today. I havent had the chance. The teacher mentioned to me that getting them together to try to work it out. I thought okay, once a week or so, as long as the teacher is there. But nope, an actual Monday - Friday schedule. I just feel like my dd is being punished because of this other hateful child. I dont want to over react, but I so so irritated by this. I dont know if i should write another note to the teacher asking that this schedule be shredded and to just keep an eye on this bully and ask her to please not say anything at all if she has nothing nice to say. When my dd came out of school crying the other day because this kid told her she was fat adn ugly I wanted to kick someones....lol. And to top it off the bully was giving me a dirty look. I dont know if going to the principal over the teachers head will make this worse. But I will not have my daughter get up in the morning and hate to go to school because of a teachers bad decision.

who ever said parenting was the hardest job ever, wasnt lying.lol

 

[Normangirls]

Go to the principal.

You gave the teacher a chance to resolve this, and she failed. No child should be "forced" to play with another child, and NO child should be treated this way.

Be firm and direct with the teacher and principal. Your daughter's behavior is not causing this problem, and you expect them to address the other child's behavior.

Going to the other parents would be unproductive, and really isn't your place -- that's up to the school officials.

You were right on target identifying this as bullying, and this is a good opportunity for you to show your daughter how to stand up for herself (don't bully back, don't call names, tell me or a teacher), that she can count on you, and she can count on the school (remind the principal and teacher they have an obligation not to let her down).

Good luck -- this can be very unsettling and upsetting, and your daughter is lucky to have a Mom who will help her learn how to solve this!

 

[LovinPooh]

thank you very much
To be honest I think this bothers me more than her lol.
I am going to have to go to the principal. My dd knows that she has to be nice to everyone, but she can chose her own friends.
thank you for the good advice. They absolutely do have an obligation to her. I hadnt looked at it that way.

 

[3boymthr]

I swear sometimes teachers have no clue how to deal with bullies. I was the only new kid in school and I stuck out because we were poor so all I had to wear lots of hand me downs in a town where most of the people were very prosperous. In winter I wore a red velvet coat with fur trim - I was called "Mrs. Claus"; the matching green pants and shirt set got me called "the alien"; then there was the time I was punched in the stomach just because one bully dared the other. I was told to "just ignore them." Which I tried but it was so hard because the things they were saying were so hurtful (as was the punch) and then I was called snooty because I wouldn't talk to the bullies!

Just remember, you are the parent so you get final say in what happens with your child, no matter what the teacher says. If you think this is a bad idea or if the idea upsets your DD say so, tell the teacher "No Way". Point out that being together every day will just give the bully more opportunity to be mean. Also point out that isolating the bully from her own friends is actually apt to make her mad and make her blame your DD because she "tattled" thus giving her more reason to be mean to your DD. If the teacher still pushes the idea go ahead and talk to the principal.

Also, if you know who they are, don't be afraid to call the other child's parents and let them know this is happening. Many parents are unaware of the bullying behavior. They may step in and help correct their child.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I hate bullying. I was the kind of kid who was really upset by others being mean for no reason...I would cry instead of stand up to the bully...I still remember going to the park in our neighborhood to find a friend, and an older girl said F**k You to me....I didn't even know what to do. I didn't even know her, and I was so sad.

I would tell your daughter to loudly counter the bully, and bring the rule following classmates on board with her. If the bully starts again, maybe she could say something like:

"One of our class rules is "Be respectful". You are being disrespectful by calling me names. Please stop."

"I do not say mean things to you. Why do you want to hurt my feelings so much?"

She could ask the students around her "Isn't she breaking a class rule? (Whichever one applies) What is the consequence in school for breaking a rule?" (This may get the bully thinking that other students are on to her)

I find my students at this age are very much about the rules. They want to enforce them, and they can be quick to protect each other. If there is a student with a big mouth or personality in her class who is kind to everyone, maybe your daughter can say to him or her "________ has been calling me names, and it is really hurting my feelings. Do you think you can help me get him/her to stop?" Chances are the loud kid will get the teacher's attention whenever it happens, and maybe the teacher will see the frequency and really work to put a stop to it.

In my classroom, bullying is the one thing that I will come down VERY hard on kids for. In a class this age, I would prob. tell the bully "You come to school to learn, and you are not allowed to make anyone else feel bad at school. Apologize right now. Sit here, by yourself, and you may only join the class again when I think you are ready to only say nice things to others." Or something like that...

For the second occurance, the student would have to write the broken rule (Treat others with respect, or whatever) 15 times, explain its' importance, and have his/her parent sign the paper.

The third time, it would be a parent phone call or conference. Luckily, I have not gotten there yet. Students function so well in a class where they all work to support each other- I hope your daughter's teacher comes down very hard on the bully. Maybe you can ask her the consequences for this type of behavior in her classroom?

Yes, kids can be mean...but they can also be respectful, understanding, compassionate, and supportive...and bullying does not need to exist.

to you and your daughter!

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Not every child has to play or make nice with every other child. I would let the teacher know that you would prefer that she not schedule a "play date," just keep an eye on the situation. See how the teacher then responds. If she still insists on M-F play time THEN go to the principal. I can understand the teachers pov if it was for th egirls to get together supervised to maybe fine the root of the bullying, but not jus tto have to be around each other. Who knows...maybe come MS or HS they will become friends, if not that is OK too! Being civil and respecting to others is one thing...forced play is asking for trouble.

 

[MyKidsMom1820]

why isn't this bully getting in trouble?

to your dd. I would take it to the principal, or whoever it needed to be taken to, why should your dd have to "work things out" with a mean kid?

 

[disneymarie]

My DD8 has a little girl at school that wont stop calling her names and following her around. I wrote a note to the teacher, adn now the teacher has 'designed' a schedule for my DD and her BFF to play with this child every day of the week. Seems like my kid and her bff are the ones being punished. I am so frustrated! My kid has been complaining about this kid since Sept. I am afraid that if I get the principal involved the teacher will take it out on my dd. My dd doesnt need to come home crying. ughh... any advice?? Should I contact this other kids mom?

OMG that is so destructive! Without even knowing the problem, forceing the stressful emotions on these kids...My dd ended up school phobic, we could get no one to help properly and appropriatly she is now on homebound from this lack of proper addressing of the issue, not to scare you.

I can see the guidance counselor interviewing the kids seperatly and getting to the root of the problem, or just personality issues, but not force them. That is like being sent home to an abuse marriage when you left.

I would send email, print and keep records...Tell the teacher straight up this is NOT how you want it handled and to change the way to address it. In our case the Principal ended up being a bully to my dd also and she can not even go near the school afraid of seeing him.

This can be serious. As she was on homebound with only 5 hrs of instruction a week, for the end f last year, this year I enrolled her in an online charter school...
Actually she is in more gifted classes and loves the casualness (in PJ's even)

But, the best thing was removing my dd from the stress, she may go back, maybe not....But at the end of 4th grade it should ahve been addredded proffessionally and not let go on as kids will be kids, friends one day enimies the next...not so!

I hope that you receive support and can resolve it. In 7th grade the class bully had all the girls in class ignore me as I had a polish last name. I was marginalized the entire year eating alone, sitting alone, but then met one other girl that was ignored and we paled.

Wishing you well, hugs to all
di

 

[Rylee]

You have an absolute right to expect, as well as your school has a responsibilty to provide, a safe environment, for your child to learn and grow.

Tell your daughter's teacher, it is NOT important that these children become friends, however, it IS important that your daughter not be subjected to this type of treatment from a classmate. They don't have to like one another, but they need to be respectful of each other.

I would call the teacher and tell her this "plan" is not working and is unfair to your daughter. It is not your daughter's responsibility to find a way to deal with this other little girl. It is the schools responsibility to address and correct her behavior.

As for you daughter, it might help if you "role play," and talk about what she might say or should do, so she is better able to handle herself when she finds herself being bullied.

Also, it is a good time to point out to your daughter, that when other people treat others so miserably, if is usually because they are very unhappy, themselves. (This is not to say your daughter needs to do anything or act differently towards the other child, it's just to point out... it is the other child that has the "problem." Plus, I like my children to try and look beyond the "surface," as a beginning lesson in compassion.)

 

[LovinPooh]

I know this child that is bullying her doesnt have the perfect life. But that doesnt excuse this child from being mean. My dd loves school, gets straight As. My biggest fear is that she will resent school. I was bullied as a child, and I hated school. Did everything I could from not having to go.
Yesterday, before I saw this schedule, my dd and her bff came out to me and said that ___ was being mean again and the other girl said she was going to tell her mom, just as she said that the class aide said, 'now you know I handled that'. My dd looked at her and said, 'if I said what she said I would get into trouble'. She is absolutely right. The teacher tried taking away her instrument lesson for the week because of it. I said no way! You dont punish a child by taking away education. I honestly dont know what is wrong with this teacher. A Monday - Friday schedule... good grief! I dont think the principal has any idea of what is going on. The teacher doesn get along with the principal. Which is why i thought by me going to her would cause an issue. But I know I have to. I am going to send an email with the schedule as an attachment to both the teacher and the principal and save it to my computer. All I has for is this kid to stop harrassing my dd, not to have my dd rights taken away.
I appreciate everyones input and help with this. This is driving me crazy!

 

[nu2dis]

I didnt have time to read the entire thread but I went through something similar when in 5th grade. It was opposing groups, not just one girl though. It worked too. I am still friends with some of the girls that were so mean to us. I say give it a chance. Encourage your daughter to attempt to make friends with this girl. Explain that people who are being mean are usually very sad and sometimes if we are the bigger person, then it can really pay off in the end. Talk to her each day to see how it went and if it isnt going well (ie causing your daughter too much stress) then put an end to it. But I think if you have a good attitude, it could be a real growing experience for your daughter.

just my 2 cents

 

[angiejg]

I haven't read every response, however, my daughter went through something similar last year in 4th grade. The kids sat in small groups and one girl kept bullying DD and keeping her from concentrating. DD gets all A's, has a good home life, is well kept, etc. I believe it was pure ugly jealousy on the bully's part. I asked for her to be moved, but the teacher thought that if she stayed there they could work it out. I disagreed. I finally got my way.

Anyway, if you aren't an advocate for your child who will be? Keep that in mind anytime you question what you should do.

I would show up first thing next week and tell the teacher that the playdate is unacceptable to you. Tell her that your daughter has come home crying and you are not willing to jeapordize her love of school and education over someone else's problems. Then tell her that you will be happy to schedule a conference to discuss it further with you, the teacher, and the principal if she feels that is necessary. Be professional and nice, but direct.

Do you have her email? If so, you could explain your situation and request a conference right now. When we had our problem I emailed the teacher and copied it to the principal. That seemed to do the trick.

I don't think you should talk to the bully's parents. That will only make things worse for your daughter. Trust me on that.

Like I said, I've been there. This year the bully at my daughter's school has gotten her act together and is actually nice. I wouldn't say DD is good friends with her, but they can definitely get along in classroom situations without any problems. Of course there are new bullies to deal with now!

I hope that helps some. Believe me, I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY!

Angie

 

[nessz79]

I know this child that is bullying her doesnt have the perfect life. But that doesnt excuse this child from being mean. My dd loves school, gets straight As. My biggest fear is that she will resent school. I was bullied as a child, and I hated school. Did everything I could from not having to go.
Yesterday, before I saw this schedule, my dd and her bff came out to me and said that ___ was being mean again and the other girl said she was going to tell her mom, just as she said that the class aide said, 'now you know I handled that'. My dd looked at her and said, 'if I said what she said I would get into trouble'. She is absolutely right. The teacher tried taking away her instrument lesson for the week because of it. I said no way! You dont punish a child by taking away education. I honestly dont know what is wrong with this teacher. A Monday - Friday schedule... good grief! I dont think the principal has any idea of what is going on. The teacher doesn get along with the principal. Which is why i thought by me going to her would cause an issue. But I know I have to. I am going to send an email with the schedule as an attachment to both the teacher and the principal and save it to my computer. All I has for is this kid to stop harrassing my dd, not to have my dd rights taken away.
I appreciate everyones input and help with this. This is driving me crazy!

If she doesn't get along with the principal, that's a sure sign that something is wrong right there. I would most definitely talk to the principal. Most likely you are not the first to complain about this teacher, which is probably why the principal and teacher do not get along. The principal will very likely take your side in things and if the teacher won't listen to the principal, request for her to be moved to a different class. Principals WILL listen to parents, especially when they insist.

Good luck to you and keep us updated. I'm a high school teacher. While I am not clear on the dynamics of an elementary school, I do know general dynamics of any school and I think you will be ok. But speak up!

 

[Rylee]

I know this child that is bullying her doesnt have the perfect life. But that doesnt excuse this child from being mean.

Of course it doesn't. And if this is in reply to my earlier post, you misunderstood my message.

I was not saying your daughter needs to be accepting of this child's behavior because the little girl may have problems, I was trying to say...

1) Make sure your daughter understands, it is the other little girl who has the problem. Don't let your daughter become filled with self-doubt because others comments. Example - "So & so said my dress is ugly." I always say something like, "Well, I like it, do you like it? If so, then that's her problem." Or, "Little Tommy says I'm not good at playing basketball." I always say something like, "You're doing fine. Tommy is just mad because his team lost. He's being a poor sport."

2) It is the perfect opportunity to teach your daughter about compasion. Example - When my son, 10, comes home with stories about the class bully, of course we talk about his rude behavior, how it's not right, how it should be handled, etc, but I also use this as a time to make my son aware that not every child comes from the same background. My husband and I say things like... "Wow, Joey, Austin must be pretty unhappy, to come to school and be so miserable all day long." Or, "I wonder why Austin acts that way, do you thinks someone treats him like that, and that's why he acts that way?"

Does this mean I expect my son to just put up with it... NO WAY. (As the parents of 5 children, we tells our kids... "Don't you ever start something with another child, BUT, don't you ever take it from them, either.) But I do want my children to look beyond the action, NOT necessarily for the sake of the other child involved, but for my own child's sake, to become a better person.

 

[Aneille]

I would tell my kid to get the bully kid alone one day and tell her that she would really like to be friends with her but she does not like being called names. And then ask the bully if she will be her friend.

If the bully continues to call her names I would tell my DD to again confront her alone and tell her that since she calls her names she will not be her friend because she doesn't need a friend that calls her names.

Then I would as for mediation help between the 2 with an adult but where the 2 children do most of the talking.

Your DD needs to be confront the bully. She needs to stand up to her by herself at first. She needs to know you are there but she also needs to learn to not allow this. That she is worth more than that. That she can stand up for herself and that if she tries and it doesn't work that you will then step in and help her.

Forcing 2 girls that don't like each other together without help isn't going to work unless the bully knows your DD isn't going to allow the bullying to continue. And even at this age if the child isn't standing up for herself and the bully doesn't care about school reprecussions or her parents don't care and don't punish, it is going to continue.

Teach your DD. Don't worry about getting the bully to stop right now. Teach your DD ways to handle this with your support she will get through. Teach your DD that those words hurt but they are just words. Tell her to speak up to the bully. Your DD can't get too visibly upset by this bully or the bully will keep it up. And she shouldn't confront the bully with a crowd because the bully will do anything then to save face. Unless your DD is physically afraid of this girl her best bet is to talk to her alone.

Then if all this fails its time for Mom to come and get involved. Your DD then learns to handle it herself with advice from you, and then also knows that you will always be there.

 

[lntsmom]

as my son has been going through this for over a year now.

The policy here is that if an adult didn't see it, it didn't happen.

There were 2 kids bullying my son. Thankfully, one has moved. That kid gave him a bloody nose on the bus one night and the bus driver claimed he never saw anything going on, despite the fact that we're the first stop so my son sits in the seat behind the driver. The other kid was 4 years older than my son and admitted that he hadn't done anything to provoke the beating...she just thought it would be fun. When she beat on him again this year...and admitted so when asked...they said they couldn't do anything about it because the seat backs are so high that the camera doesn't show the kids...so according to them, it didn't happen.

The other kid is a boy his age. The kid is an Eddie Haskall...all the adults think he's a little angel. Yeah, a little angel who excludes kids on the playground (he has a "club" and makes up rules so the kids he doesn't like can't play, he torments my son at lunchtime, telling him that his food (anything from ravioli to egg salad to chicken noodle soup) looks like vomit, he has stolen from my son, and he taunts my son about the kids he goes to play with when bully-boy won't let him join the games.

I've contacted the school repeatedly and their stance is that they just can't believe this little boy would do such a thing...and since they haven't heard him in action, it hasn't happened.

I am doing my best to move. Hopefully out of the district. If I can't swing that, at least out of this school's attendance area!

 

[LovinPooh]

Of course it doesn't. And if this is in reply to my earlier post, you misunderstood my message.

I was not saying your daughter needs to be accepting of this child's behavior because the little girl may have problems, I was trying to say...

1) Make sure your daughter understands, it is the other little girl who has the problem. Don't let your daughter become filled with self-doubt because others comments. Example - "So & so said my dress is ugly." I always say something like, "Well, I like it, do you like it? If so, then that's her problem." Or, "Little Tommy says I'm not good at playing basketball." I always say something like, "You're doing fine. Tommy is just mad because his team lost. He's being a poor sport."

2) It is the perfect opportunity to teach your daughter about compasion. Example - When my son, 10, comes home with stories about the class bully, of course we talk about his rude behavior, how it's not right, how it should be handled, etc, but I also use this as a time to make my son aware that not every child comes from the same background. My husband and I say things like... "Wow, Joey, Austin must be pretty unhappy, to come to school and be so miserable all day long." Or, "I wonder why Austin acts that way, do you thinks someone treats him like that, and that's why he acts that way?"

Does this mean I expect my son to just put up with it... NO WAY. (As the parents of 5 children, we tells our kids... "Don't you ever start something with another child, BUT, don't you ever take it from them, either.) But I do want my children to look beyond the action, NOT necessarily for the sake of the other child involved, but for my own child's sake, to become a better person.

no, I wasnt replying to your post. I was jsut saying in general. DD is a compassionate kid, and I tihnk that is why it bothers her so much. She is nice to everyone, adn this little girl follows her adn her friend around yelling names.
I tell my kids the same thing. You dont start it, but you better defend yourself. And i told the teacher that. I just dont think this teacher is made to teach 4th graders.

I dont feel that forcing kids to hang out 5 days a week is good though. Too much. Why should my dd lose her freedom because another little girl was mean to her?

OMG lntsmom I am so sorry to hear that. Nothing like havign the peopel that are supposed to help, be completely against you. My situation doesnt compare. Good luck to you and your DS.

I was bullied when I was in 8th grade. I was a hefty gal, sure, but the boys were mean. I remember 2 of them in particular would call me 'porkchop' and throw things in my hair. The best part though, was over the summer between 8th and 9th I lost alot of weight. When i got back to school they both tried to be nice. LMAO... it was the best thing in the world to turn them down and make them feel bad
I know, that was way off topic, but that just popped into my head.

 

[livndisney]

I'm sorry but I don't think it is your childs responsibility to "fix" this child. I would never allow my child to be forced to play with a bully.

We experienced this quite a bit last year. The school's position was the bullies had a "hard" time at home and the school wanted to "work" with them. The bulling started with name calling and racial comments. It progressed to the "little darlings" trying to set a fire on the bus (full of children).

My child was protected by me as it was clear the school was not doing it's job. It sounds as if the school (or atleast the teacher) is not doing justice to your child or even the bully for that matter.

If the school is willing to sit down with these children and work it out that is one thing. But I would not allow my child around this bully without an adult to supervise.

Have you seen the new AG movie? It is about bullies.