How to convince parents to join us? (long vent)

[ksoehrlein]

We bought into DVC hoping to share it. And share we have -- with in-laws, grand-in-laws, and best friends. But my parents, who live 900 miles from us, refuse to join the party. They have seen 4yo DD 4 times and 18mo DS only once. They live in a retirement community, so visiting them is not exactly fun for the kids (or us). I thought having them join us, all expenses paid, would be great for all of us.

Their response? "Oh no. We've been to Disney World before." (Yeah, twice -- for day trips 12 years apart!)

Anyone have this kind of situation? How did you handle it? Any hope that I can convince them to come?

Guilting them about never making the effort to see their grandchildren hasn't worked. I really want the kids to have great memories of my parents and what better place than WDW to make memories?

 

[kathleena]

Hmmmmm. Ok, so they refuse to go to WDW because they have "been there, done that". Even when it will be free to them.

Sounds like there is more going on here. Any idea why they keep themselves scarce from you?

 

[ellyn2000]

I have to agree with the above poster. There has to be another reason. Would you really enjoy spending time with them if you had to "force" them to go? Your situation could describe my relationship with my parents perfectly. I have finally accepted that they are never going to be the kind of grandparents that I hoped and I am not going to have the "friendly" adult relationship with them that I crave. I honor them, do anything I can for them and am there for them when/if they need me. For some reason I don't think they're as comfortable with me as they are with my siblings and I had to just give up my "dream family". My DH and children are so fabulous. I just think my parents are missing out. I'm sorry you can't have the Disney family experience with your parents that you want so badly, but maybe it just wouldn't be what you bargained for. I hope it works out.

 

[Sammie]

Based on dealings with my parents and grandparents. I will offer an opinion. Certainly this might not be the case with your parents but something to consider.

It is very possible it has nothing to do with going to WDW or even seeing you or the kids. Many at a certain age are just not comfortable anymore leaving what is familar to them. It would not matter where you are going. Are you parents on any type of medications or special diet that they feel would be harder to manage on a trip.

Saying that they have been before might just be an easy way to get out of going without confronting why they really don't want to go.

Good luck and just remember that if they are uncomfortable going for whatever reason no one will enjoy the trip.

 

[jimmytammy]

We live very near my parents and they are a big part of our lives and our childrens lives. Not trying to rub it in, just letting you know the scenario. They went with us to WDW one time and we commandoed the whole time. I wanted them to see it all. Now they have no desire to return.

My Dad is 73 and Mom is 65. I think for them, they need something very relaxing. And they are from a time when WDW would have been a dream place, not real, like we are so fortunate to have.

I wish I could give you more insight.

 

[spiceycat]

my mother is 82 and still goes WITH me to WDW.

but I definitely understand about the traveling problems - she won't drive to visit me - I live 2 1/2 miles from her house - will only come in an emergency.....

She has never visited my brother and his family in Georgia without me.

She did go visit my elder brother once for CHristmas without me - but came back complainting of the trip.

some elder people think if you want to see them - you should visit them. They shouldn't have to go visit you.

 

[AJKMOM]

The older people get, the less likely they are to change their ways, especially when it comes to travel. I have in-laws who hated to travel across town to visit us. My father-in-law was at my house less than 10 times in 15 years. WE, however, went there almost every weekend.

It's too bad it has to be like that because someday they will regret not knowing their grandchildren, and then it will be too late. I would chalk this up to ornery senior citizens.

 

[crisi]

I'm also wondering if its Disney or that they just don't like to travel. Next time it comes up, ask them "well, is there somewhere else you'd like to meet up with us and the kids for a vacation?" I'm going to bet that the answer isn't "well, we'd love to go to the Bahamas" and that the truth is, they aren't comfortable traveling. They may forget that young kids aren't that interested in the activities in a retirement community - or they may feel that that is the price young kids need to pay.

If the answer is "we'd love to see the Grand Canyon," then change your plans to accomodate them. Speaking of the Bahamas, maybe they'd like to cruise?

 

[Degli]

Please don't take this as being disrespectful, but only seeing their grandchildren a handful of times in their lives is inexcusable. As a parent, I believe your children come first. And, as a grandparent, I believe your grandchildren should come first. Yes, I think, "we've already been to Disney" is just an excuse. I guess you have to accept the fact that your parents don't see their grandchildren as that important. This is hard to accept, but I've seen it with some of my friends and in my own family. I know that when I become a grandparent, I am gonna spend every waking moment wondering how I can spend time with and spoil my grandchildren.

 

[Jenn]

Honestly, I know it hurts, but if they don't want to go, they don't want to go.

If you force them to go, you will probably all have a lousy time.

 

[Par8hed]

Funny. I'm trying to slip in a trip to Disney WITHOUT the Grandparents knowing about it so that they DONT join us.

 

[SueOKW]

Please don't take this as being disrespectful, but only seeing their grandchildren a handful of times in their lives is inexcusable. As a parent, I believe your children come first

I wish my inlaws felt the same way. My parents are both gone, and DHs mother is too. His dad and his step mom RARELY come over.. and as a result my kids are shy around them. It's a shame they won't have what so many kids do have - but I tell you what - my sister is making up for it BIG TIME!!!

back to the OP - I'm inclined to agree that it's not liking travel - and forgetting that Disney is a little more exciting than a retirement village....

 

[Lesley]

I'm sorry you're in this situation....but I think its something you just have to let go. If you want the kids to have a relationship with their grandparents apparently it has to be on the grandparent's terms. I don't know that it would be much of a relationship....but if you want to try I think you'll have to be making all the effort to visit them.

Honestly, remembering being a kid I would think that pretty quickly the kids will come to see visiting their grandparents as a chore rather than something enjoyable. I know its not something you want to happen....but remember that this is their relationship and you can only do so much to facilitate it, since you're on the outside (despite being the transportation and facilitator) You just can't force people to want to spend time together...you can only force them to spend time together.

 

[disneyberry]

<font face="times" size="+0">I agree that there could be some other underlying reason like fear of travel/flying or something.
Then again, there are just some people that have a "been there, done that" mentality.

DBF's parents are kind of like that... they keep saying "oh we've been to WDW already." They also happen to have a stupid grudge against WDW because they were treated poorly once by a CM during their last trip (10+ years ago). The other thing is they've only experienced WDW from the perspective of someone who stays at some shabby motel offsite, and the park they remember the most is MK on a super crowded day. So it's hard to have any fond memories based on that.

Anyway, I feel your pain, but some things just can't be forced. It would really suck to somehow get them to go, and then what if they hate it?

Of course, I haven't taken my own advice yet and given up on DBF's parents. There might be a trip on the horizon, but whenever I think about planning that trip, I dread the what-if-they-hate-it part non-stop.</font>

 

[VAN]

I have to agree with the others - it's probably nothing personal, but they just don't want to travel or leave their little bubble.

You on the other hand, need to accept your parents for what they are and get on with life. You have expectations for how they should behave and they are not meeting your expectations. Don't let this become your problem.

I am from a large family and my parents had a certain way of doing things. The bottom line was that I knew they loved me and were proud of me. Were they involved in every aspect of my children's lives? No. But that's okay, because they loved us. Were they there for me and my kids when we really needed them -- yes!

Accept them and move on.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

My parents are the same way. I live close so we see them on a regular basis but they will not go anywhere (either with or without us). They are both afraid to get too far away from their doctors and just prefer the security of their own home. Hotels are never clean enough, restaurant food doesn't taste right, etc. I could go on and on. They also feel like seeing WDW once was enough. I know it's hard to believe...but some people don't feel the magic (gasp!).

If you want to see them, go visit. Hopefully they live somewhere that you can combine it with something fun for you and the kids and still spend time with your parents. Could it be that some of the frustration stems from feeling guilty that you'd rather go to WDW than spend the time/money to visit them? If so, just get over it and try to find some type of compromise...

 

[crisi]

I was thinking about this.

When I was little we lived far away from our grandparents. My parents visited them twice a year, summer and winter. It was expected. That was the only vacation we ever took for a long time. They (both sides) came to visit us once in the ten years we lived "away" from them.

The trips were fun in that our cousins were often there. In the summer the cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles would rent cabins up at a lake - which was fun. And over Christmas we had presents. But it wasn't DisneyWorld/Amusement Park/ constantly entertained fun. It was local museum/play with cousins/visit the zoo fun.

I can't remember my parents expectation ever being that they would make regular trips to visit us. This was "just the way it was."

Perhaps your parents have different expectations about who is responsible for doing the travel in order for them to have a relationship with their grandchildren. I'm not saying they are right, or that you are, but that if they are "old school" they may just expect this (and may in fact be a little upset you don't take every vacation to visit them).

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

I hate my opposite problem - my kids live 3000 miles away and so I can only see my grandchildren every 3 or 4 months. I'm lucky to be able to have enough frequent flyer miles to do the traveling, but honestly, it just kills me to know that they don't recognize me when I first see them (they're still very young), then be able to see them for just a few days, and have to leave. Plus, the older I get, the more the traveling is taking it's toll. There are good reasons why neither we nor my kids can relocate right now, so we're all making the best of it, but jeesh!

I don't know why it always seems to work this way. I would kill to be able to see my grandchildren all the time. My dream was to have a standing Friday night offer to baby-sit. My husband and I would have loved to have had all the cousins together for a big sleep-over, feed them Mickey Mouse pancakes on Sat morning and send them home. Instead, I'm the one with the kids who settled across the country, and other people have to be begged to walk across the street to see their grandchildren.

If your parents have changed over the years, and have just recently become reluctant to put themselves out to see you, that's one thing - probably health/age related. But really, if they have always been like this, you shouldn't have to beg!

 

[DeeDeeDis]

My mom had 4 children, Grandchildren-nervous, not real warm & fuzzy
my mom-in-law had 5. Grandchildren-standoffish, critical

My step-dad, who entered my life when I was 15, had no children of his own. The number one grandparent. He was great with my boys, he'd babysit, take the kids to the movies, or out to lunch once a week, as they got a little older each one got a special day with Nonno each month (i have 3 sons). Very relaxed around them, he actually enjoyed spending time with them and it showed. They were very lucky to get to have that type of relationship with a grandparent.

How people turn out- funny,huh

I hope when my time comes, i'm just like nonno

 

[CarolA]

Please don't take this as being disrespectful, but only seeing their grandchildren a handful of times in their lives is inexcusable

Sorry, but this is just as inexcusable.... we are not here to pass judgement on these grandparents based on the little we know...