How to comfort someone with cancer

[TAKitty]

My mom was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Her prognosis is not good. I don’t know how to comfort her. She is “tough” and doesn’t need help, she says. My father died when I was eight, and she is currently divorced and alone. Any suggestions? Any good books I could maybe buy her? I live an hour and a half away and drive out when I can, but I can't just drop by on a daily basis.

Thanks for any suggestions.

 

[live4christp1]

To you! We experienced the same thing last year about this same time. Mom had part of her lung removed. Then a couple months later found out it had spread throughout.

Just be there for her as she will allow you too. I found that mom just wanted someone to be there when she'd wake up to talk too. I'd read to her sometimes. Just do things she needed done.

I know this is a very tough road to walk and my heart breaks for you. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and if you ever need someone to just talk to about any of it, please feel free to PM me.

Cristy

 

[Disney Doll]

I think yo need to let Mom "drive" what she wants.

By that I mean, if she has always been "tough" and a "coper", then she is not going to change now that she has cancer. So ask her "Mom, what do you want me to do for you?" and see what she says.

 

[ahhappy]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. My mother battled stage 4 lung cancer for 6 years before passing in 2004.

It can be a delicate balancing act to manage how much to be involved. But if I were you I would err on the side of too much help. Be there often to assess things and figure out where you can help. Then step in and do those things.

Driving and being there for doctors appointments can be very important. Even the most intelligent, do-it-yourself type person can benefit from having a second set of ears in the room. There's just so much information, its hard to take it all in, hard to remember all the questions you wanted to ask, etc.

My last piece of advice is to head to this website if you haven't found it yet: http://lungevity.org/l_community/index.php

This is a fabulous group of people with such a great support network. Its a good place for family and caregivers as well. I found a lot of support here.

Good luck with everything.

Amy

 

[xkwisit]

1st & foremost I am sorry about your mom. My MIL was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer & lympoma a few months ago & was inoperatable. She just finished an aggresive treatment of radiation everyday for 6 weeks & chemo once a week for the 6 weeks. The docs said she was doing better than she thought she would have been.

Just tell your mom to stay positive. The law of similars~positive attracts positive. If she thinks she can fight it~she can & wll. Good luck... Healing prayers & thoughts her way.

 

[Hercules10]

When my wife was told she had leukemia we discussed the options. Went with a plan and then pretty much went about things in a normal manner. I knew she always wanted to see other parts of the world so I quickly made plans to do that around her treatments and we just went. Just getting on with life seemed to be the best therapy.

Best of luck

 

[powellrj]

My DFIL died last year from lung cancer. The number #1 thing you can do for her is be there for her. His family all used the I can't be there I live too far excuse for not seeing him, but, if they had only taken the time to visit him, it would have made the end so much easier. All he wanted was someone to talk to. Seriously, no book can take the place of actual human contact and conversation.

We believe that my father going over and spending time with him on saturday afternoons at the end gave him a few extra weeks. He would be so much better on sunday and monday after spending saturday afternoon watching old cowboy movies with my dad.

 

[karibritt01]

I'm so sorry about your mom. That is a tough thing to hear, and takes quite a while for everything to sink in, I know.

My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer in August 2006. The Drs thought she only had about 6 months of quality life left. She held out for 26 months, and was active right up until the last 2 months.

We learned that my sister did not want to spend time talking about or thinking about her cancer. She had 6 children between the ages of 3 and 16 when she was diagnosed, and the thought of leaving them was very hard on her. So we did everything we could to keep everything "normal" for her. We talked, laughed, cut up, and argued as we had before she ever got sick. It helped her for life to continue as if nothing was wrong.

We did get her some of her favorite books for reading when she was getting her chemo treatments, and a portable DVD player. Sometimes it would take 6 hours or more for the IV drugs to run, and that helped her pass the time.

We also went about the business of creating memories for her children. (You could do this for the grandchildren if there are any.) We sent her family to WDW for a week, as it was always on their "to do when we have time" list. We rented a beach house for a week, and went with the whole family. Little things to give the kids extra, happy memories to combat the sadder ones sure to come. We also made sure to get family portraits made while she was feeling good, and before she lost her hair. We went back and did it again 18 months later.

I hope you are able to find some of this info useful.

 

[teacups]

When my wife was told she had leukemia we discussed the options. Went with a plan and then pretty much went about things in a normal manner. I knew she always wanted to see other parts of the world so I quickly made plans to do that around her treatments and we just went. Just getting on with life seemed to be the best therapy.

Best of luck

I agree with this. By the time my brother told anyone he had lung cancer, it was too late to travel or anything. He had so much he still wanted to do and see but it was too late. My best advice to anyone, sick or not, is to act like this is your last week (and I should take my own advice). Hugs to you and you Mom.

 

[TAKitty]

Thank you for the suggestions. She goes for a port next Friday. I am going with her. Her sister has gone with her to every doctors appointment and test. I have made about half of them.

I am going to check out the website. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts. This is all very unreal to me.

 

[C.Ann]

I think yo need to let Mom "drive" what she wants.

By that I mean, if she has always been "tough" and a "coper", then she is not going to change now that she has cancer. So ask her "Mom, what do you want me to do for you?" and see what she says.

First of all, I am sorry for everyone here who has lost someone dear to them.. It's a hard road to walk..

Secondly, I think Disney Doll's advice is right on target.. I dealt with my late DH's cancer - as well as several friends who fought this horrible disease and ultimately lost the battle.. Each one handled it differently and what I learned along the way was to follow their lead..

Be there as much as your mom wants.. Call on a regular basis - but not to the point where she feels like you're "hovering".. Let her know that if she needs anything - or wants to talk - all she has to do is call.. As long as she knows that you are "available", she'll be better equipped to handle this dreadful news in her own way - the way that makes her the most comfortable..

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.. It won't be easy on either of you..

 

[Pakey]

I'm a loner and people would probably say I'm "tough". When I found out I had advanced stage breast cancer, I didn't even tell anyone for as long as I could (once hair started falling out, it was pretty obvious).

I did not want anyone trying to comfort me, I didn't want to discuss it and I certainly didn't want hugs, etc. Once I told my husband and my family, I made them swear they would not discuss it with me or anyone else. But the things that I appreciated were:

Food that was brought to the house. During chemo, everything tastes awful but I had to eat some things anyway. Sweets were the best; the flavor was not as different. Also, if she goes through chemo, crackers are good to have around. I also tried to eat homemade soups.

Rides to/from treatments, doctors, etc. I didn't want anyone sitting there with me through my chemo treatments (each one was 6 hours) but I did appreciate the rides. I drove myself every day for radiation for 8 weeks but there is no way I could have done it through those months of chemo.

This one is kind of odd but I was given the entire series of Sex and the City on DVD. I had never watched this show but I loved it. Many days, I didn't feel strong enough to read but this show was pure escape. The best part is that every episode was shorter than a movie so I didn't feel like I had to force myself to stay awake for 2 hours at a time.

 

[MSB123]

(((hugs))) that's rough.

I went through it with my dad... he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he had a month or two left.

One of the most important things about that time is that we really let each other know how we feel about each other. Talked about memories... told each other we loved each other.

I took cues from him. If he was feeling in good spirits, we joked and laughed. If he wanted to talk about his death, funeral, life after death, etc... I talked with him about those things without trying to pretend it wasn't going to happen. If he was feeling down, or quiet, or scared, I just tried to be there for him, call him to talk to him or go sit by his side and put on the tv and sat in silence.


It's a hard situation, I don't know that there is a great way to handle it, it's just something you kind of get through together one day at a time.

 

[TAKitty]

Food that was brought to the house. During chemo, everything tastes awful but I had to eat some things anyway. Sweets were the best; the flavor was not as different. Also, if she goes through chemo, crackers are good to have around. I also tried to eat homemade soups.

Rides to/from treatments, doctors, etc. I didn't want anyone sitting there with me through my chemo treatments (each one was 6 hours) but I did appreciate the rides. I drove myself every day for radiation for 8 weeks but there is no way I could have done it through those months of chemo.

This one is kind of odd but I was given the entire series of Sex and the City on DVD. I had never watched this show but I loved it. Many days, I didn't feel strong enough to read but this show was pure escape. The best part is that every episode was shorter than a movie so I didn't feel like I had to force myself to stay awake for 2 hours at a time.

Thank you for these suggestions. I just gave her a subscription to Netflix so that she can have some movies to watch. We are not sure of her treatment schedule yet. I had no idea that chemo ect. lasted for so many hours. I may get her an i-pod so that she has something to listen to.

Cancer sucks! My dad died in a car crash and it was sudden. Watching my mom suffer is not fun.

Thank you to all for your suggestions.

 

[Pakey]

Thank you for these suggestions. I just gave her a subscription to Netflix so that she can have some movies to watch. We are not sure of her treatment schedule yet. I had no idea that chemo ect. lasted for so many hours. I may get her an i-pod so that she has something to listen to.

Cancer sucks! My dad died in a car crash and it was sudden. Watching my mom suffer is not fun.

Thank you to all for your suggestions.

All chemo treatments are different. Mine lasted 6 hours but your mom's may be shorter (or longer). An ipod would be great regardless of the duration of the treatments.

And yes, cancer definitely sucks.

 

[honugirl]

I definitely say take your cues from her. I have days when I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I just won't answer the phone. I also have days when I'm really chatty. TV shows are way better than movies, when I was in the hospital after my last surgery, movies were too long.

I think the one thing that annoys me the most about my family is that I'm not allowed to talk about my disease and if anyone asks how I'm doing, I have to answer fine, or my standard answer now, hanging in there. It's an uncomfortable subject for all. Let her dictate how much she wants to talk about it.

Good luck! It's a long road.

 

[minkydog]

I definitely say take your cues from her. I have days when I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I just won't answer the phone. I also have days when I'm really chatty. TV shows are way better than movies, when I was in the hospital after my last surgery, movies were too long.

I think the one thing that annoys me the most about my family is that I'm not allowed to talk about my disease and if anyone asks how I'm doing, I have to answer fine, or my standard answer now, hanging in there. It's an uncomfortable subject for all. Let her dictate how much she wants to talk about it.

Good luck! It's a long road.

I think this is good advice to anyone who is going through serious illness or who is standing by, watching their loved one go through serious illness. I have been dealing with, and recovering from, some pretty serious stuff this year(not cancer.) After seeing some negativity from DHs side of the family, I became quite careful about who I shared my struggles with. In the end it comes down to a favored few: DH, my kids, two sisters. I feel free to say "I feel like I'm going downhill again" and know that I'm going to get some *real* support, not have platitudes shoved down my throat.

I agree with you about the movies.My attention span was so short. In my disrupted state of mind about all I could watch was HGTV and World's Dumbest Criminals and read "People." Not my finest moments, but I'm glad my family was able to stand by and let me heal myself my way.

OP, i think that's all you can do. You mother sounds like a strong woman with her own ideas about how she's going to face this. Just keep communication open. Let her know you want to be as involved as she will allow. Give her space when she needs to be alone. Even strong women need support.

 

[TAKitty]

Thank you for your suggestions. I am actually going to research cancer support groups in her area. I am not sure if she is interested in one, but I would like to offer it to her as an option. This is a new road for us to travel down.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

My mom was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Her prognosis is not good. I don’t know how to comfort her. She is “tough” and doesn’t need help, she says. My father died when I was eight, and she is currently divorced and alone. Any suggestions? Any good books I could maybe buy her? I live an hour and a half away and drive out when I can, but I can't just drop by on a daily basis.

Thanks for any suggestions.

So sorry for you and your Mom.

I think there is no easy answer to your question. Does your Mom have a circle of friends that live close to her that could visit with her? Would she consider a support group through her hospital or community?

Sometimes the best thing is a hobby that she may enjoy......It's creative which is an enormous emotional outlet & keeps your mind busy.

How about an Ipod with her favorite music downloaded or a subscription to Netflix where you could send her some surprise movies & comedies?
Maybe your Mom would like to start a journal?

Could she visit you at your home?

Please keep us posted....

 

[bumbershoot]

I wish I knew...I avoided it entirely with my mom.


to both of you.