How to comfort someone with cancer

[honugirl]

I think this is good advice to anyone who is going through serious illness or who is standing by, watching their loved one go through serious illness.

Thanks!

I have been dealing with, and recovering from, some pretty serious stuff this year(not cancer.) After seeing some negativity from DHs side of the family, I became quite careful about who I shared my struggles with. In the end it comes down to a favored few: DH, my kids, two sisters. I feel free to say "I feel like I'm going downhill again" and know that I'm going to get some *real* support, not have platitudes shoved down my throat.

Exactly. Some just don't know how to react or they just don't care. It can be hard. I've had to make my own extended network outside my family.

I agree with you about the movies.My attention span was so short. In my disrupted state of mind about all I could watch was HGTV and World's Dumbest Criminals and read "People." Not my finest moments, but I'm glad my family was able to stand by and let me heal myself my way.

I loved World's Dumbest Criminals too! Golden Girls are always good. I always had Cosmo and Glamour. Nothing heavy.

OP, i think that's all you can do. You mother sounds like a strong woman with her own ideas about how she's going to face this. Just keep communication open. Let her know you want to be as involved as she will allow. Give her space when she needs to be alone. Even strong women need support.

Even strong women cry. Sometimes. We don't let the world see it though. Or we try not to.

Thank you for your suggestions. I am actually going to research cancer support groups in her area. I am not sure if she is interested in one, but I would like to offer it to her as an option. This is a new road for us to travel down.

Even if she doesn't want to go, you may want to go to the support group. You may get something out of it. It'll show you how much strength those of us dealing with cancer or tumors or whatever have and give you the inside scoop on new treatments and stuff. We don't mind when family comes to our little group.

 

[shortbun]

I have lost both my parents in the last two years. Plan to spend as much time with her as possible. If you work, find out about FMLA possibilities. Talk with your aunt about what kind of help she needs from you too; if she is to be your mother's primary caregiver, she'll need some relief. Form a team of sorts to help your mom keep her life going as normal as possible. Tell your mom you're there for her no matter what and that she just needs to tell you what her needs are. Reminisce about your childhood, ask her questions about hers. Try to get into 'just chilin' mode where you are enjoying each other's company rather than sitting with a sick person. Gosh, I'm so grateful for those times I had with my mom - just lying on her bed(she was sitting in her recliner) watching 'Dancing with the Stars' or the History Channel. One day we just shared a small box of Godiva Chocolates and giggled about some of the people who had been dominant in our family life. I can't help you with the chemo stuff as neither of my parents chose curative care paths due to their advanced stage diagnosis. However, it was a good thing that they both had people with them when they began to take pain meds and other new things because it didn't always go well and Mom in particular needed immediate assistance on more than one occassion due to bad drug reactions. It's a tough but rewarding road to travel. There were three of us and we tried very hard to cover each detail best we could with clear communication and keeping our personal 'stuff' out of it, rather channeling our energy into the loving care of our parent.
It would be good for you to know how your mother's insurance covers her for nursing home visits or in home health care. She may need some extra help. We were lucky to be able to hire extra help for some of the more physical stuff. We enlisted the assistance of hospice very early. This is a personal choice. Hospice was so helpful in helping us to look forward and covering all our options. They also provided an ear when one of us needed to vent. My Mom really looked forward to a weekly visit from a hospice person who just did things like foot or neck/back massage and pedicure/manicure. I think it's important that your mother stay in charge of her treatment and care as long as humanly possible but she'll need someone to be a 2nd set of ears, to remember what the doctor said or help remember when meds are due. It gets complicated and expecially since she's doing chemo and will be exhausted, plan to be around. I was a little over an hour from Mom. I put some serious miles on my car during the last year and a half. I slept in chairs, on the floor, on the couch. I left my family every weekend to be with my Mom for the last 3 months and I took a leave from work in the last few weeks to be there 4-5 days a week.
You just need to be ready to do whatever is necessary. Your Mom might need you to be physically in the house but not hovering. I took my bills, books, IPOD and other things with me so she could have her personal space and yet know she was not completely alone. Not an easy time in life but as I think back, full of good moments and love. Peace.

 

[SkyGirl]

I'm so sorry about your Mom!

Little things cheered me up, things that had nothing to do with cancer, like funny cards arriving in the mail, new books, new CD's. It was a distraction.

Let her talk if she needs to, even about the scariest stuff. It's very hard for me to be weak. My support is really only my Mom, my DD, and my best friend, who is thousands of miles away. Seeing the fear in my Mom's eyes just about kills me, and seeing it in DD's eyes is almost harder. My best friend is there for me when I need to talk about the what ifs because I really need to put those into words sometimes.

Try your best to understand any mood swings or changes. Cancer is so isolating, no matter how loving our supporters are. One of my friends at the Cancer Center likened it to being on our own island and we could see our loved ones but sometimes we couldn't get across the water to them. There were times I needed to be surrounded, times I needed to talk all about cancer and times I needed to leave it behind. There were times I needed to be alone.

I'm just so sorry this is happening to your Mom and to you. It's so hard.