how to be a good MIL

[mskani]

All of you could write a "how to " book on this subject.

Wishing on a Star, your advice hits very close to home.

Quick (long) story. My dh's bro died in 01/2003. Several weeks before this, my dh told me that his mother only wanted to have a relationship with him and his sister--not her grandkids.
Okay fine. So when the brother died, we all traveled to his funeral and had to act like we were one big happy family in front of mil's family--who I had never met any of them before that day.

After we got back, since I work for a state agency, I told mil how to get reimbursed for some of the funeral costs (bil died w/o insurance and he was on disability and received medicaid.) Well, for the next 3 or 4 months, she called me at least once/week inquiring about the status of her claim. Once the money was sent to her, she stopped calling. I didn't talk to her again until I saw her at Thanksgiving at sil's house.

People like that are phony!!! She's one of those "I will be nice to you as long as you can give me something." I don't need toxic people around me or my kids. I try not to let it bother me, but it does hurt.

 

[lapinluv]

Thought about this some more, so I'm hopping back on my soapbox.

I think one of the best things you can do as a future MIL is to raise your sons to love and respect women as equals. To bring them up in a home where women have an equal voice and men have an equal responsibility to the household.

My FiL is a very abusive/intolerant person and horrendous to my husband, the oldest. I will forever resent my MiL for never stepping up and putting an end to it. Her "women are the weaker sex" mentality made it impossible for her to speak up to her husband.

My husband has residual issues due to his childhood and we have had to work through so much as a result. Even now, when my FiL is being unreasonable about something or gets involved in our business, my MiL can't tell her husband to back off (even if, privately, she agrees with us).

To them, I'm some sort of huge feminist because I work and speak my mind. It'd be funny it it wasn't so sad. They are truly stuck in the 1950's and they are only in their mid-50s.

 

[ellyn2000]

I was a poor little girl from the wrong side of the tracks when DH brought me home to meet his parents. The welcomed me with open arms and have been like parents to me ever since. MIL has tried on occasion to be somewhat domineering and nosy but I politely refuse to play and we've gotten along fine. One of the sweetest things my oldest DS ever said was when we were discussing his upcoming wedding (06/02). He told me he hoped his marriage will be like his parents. I told him then that I intended to be a loving MIL and do my best to not be nosy. They still accept our advice sometimes, but know they are free to go home and do the opposite if that's what they choose. I'm also fortunate to have a DIL that came from a family much like our own so we blend well. We have her family over for special occasions and they do as well. Her siblings & spouses are like our "other" children. It's better than I ever hoped for because instead of either family "losing" a child, we've gained entire families to share with.

 

[septbride2002]

I think it is great that you are wanting to be a good mother-in-law. I always got along well with all of my friend's parents but when I met DH's parents it all went downhill. I tried to get to know his mom but she kept pushing me away. Her and her husband did some very hurtful things to me while we were dating and after awhile I just gave up. I feel no love towards her which is something that really nags at me. Things my Mom did for DH was...

1) She found out some things he liked and made sure to always talk to him about it. For instance she would always ask him "Seen any good movies lately?" because she knew DH loved movies. That gave them something to talk about which lead to other things.

2) She would occasionally buy or make his favorite meal and made sure he was there to eat it. I will never forget how one day my DH (then DF) ran to my Mom's house to pick something up and came back with a great big bag of Chex Mix that my Mom bought him. He loves Chex Mix (I don't) and he walked in the apartment singing, "You Mom Loves Me!"

3) She gave advice but never criticized if we didn't do things the way she would have done them. And gave credit to us when things worked out well!

After I grew up a little big (DH and I started dating when I was 16) I realized the reason my In-laws didn't like me was because they were so controlling. DH never made a decision without first running it past his Mom and Sister. And when he stopped doing that they became enraged almost. We were going to be married in 3 weeks and decided to get a new car. We traded in DH's car because mine was completely paid for and running well. DH's car still had payments and was starting to have some major issues. So we traded it in, for a car that really I liked more. But we both said that they were OUR cars not His car and my car. SIL and MIL both said to Brian - well what if you don't end up married? What if you seperate - Amanda's name is on both of those cars and she could legally take both of them! And they even said, "We are disappointed in you for trading in your car!" DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH $$$ WE SAVED!!! It wasn't a bad decision they were just mad that he didn't check with them first!

~Amanmda

 

[kasar]

Hoo boy, do we have some MIL frustrations built up around here or what???

I like my MIL, she's very nice but she doesn't really put much effort into seeing us. We used to stop by their house all the time when the kids were little and I thought we were all fine. As the kids got older and we were busier, we noticed that we'd go weeks, sometimes months at a time without seeing them. At the time, we had the only grandchildren, ILs were young and healthy and lived minutes away from us. They just never took the time. Kind of sad, especially because they see SIL's kids every day now and they have a really close relationship.

Here are my few pointers:

While you shouldn't butt into their lives, don't be so careful that you end up not being a part of their lives. Try to be approachable and welcoming as much as possible. You want them to want to be around you.

Offer to help and mean it. When grandkids come around, stop by and offer to take the kids to the park so the parents can get things done around the house or go out to eat or something. My IL's were willing IF we asked them, but they never offered.

Make sure your DIL knows that you're happy she's part of your family (and MAKE her part of the family, not just son's wife). Thank her for making your son so happy.

Bite your tongue if they're not doing things the way you think they should. You learned from your mistakes, they will too.

 

[Madi100]

The biggest reason that I'm not close to my MIL is because anytime there is a problem or a conflict inour family, I'm the blame. I'm the only DIL. My DH has only two sisters. One has only boyfriends and the other has been married an couple times. So, I"m the only outsider that is a fixture in the family. When we couldn't get pregnant it was because I was doing something wrong. When our DD was born 3 months premature, and we wouldn't go to MIL's house because of smoke and pets, it was MY fault. When we don't go visit it's because of me. None of which is true. It's a joint effort. She doesn't do anything for my kids for their birthdays, and to be quite honest I really shouldn't expect because I don't try to be a big part of her life. I think in order to have a good relationship with your inlaws you have to have mutual respect for the differences in your life. I have no respect for my MIL and her family because of the choices they've made in life. Alcohol and sex are very big negative factors in their life, as is abuse. I don't know why MIL doesn't respect me. I have made it my life goal to love her son. The only thing I can think of is that she knows I dont' respect her, and not because I've told her.

DH has a great relationship with my family because they treat him like their son. I almost think they'd pick him over me sometimes But, it's all about love and respect. My sister wanted to have a great relationship with her inlaws. Unfortunately, they don't really respect the difference in my sister. And, they also haven't learned that my sister takes everything to heart.

I think just because you care, you will be a great MIL.