how to be a good MIL

[Tiggeroo]

There are so many folks on here who don't like their in-laws. I hope I have years to go before this, oldest is 20, but I hope to be a good MIL. I don't really know how because I never had a relationship with my MIL and that side of the family, and dh had minimal relationship with my mother. I am very close to my sons and can see how difficult this will be. It will be hard to picture them spending holidays with other families, etc. But I hope to treat my future children's spouses as if they were my own. I envision having them over to bake holiday cookies, going shopping together, and if their schedule permits it doing a multi-gen. vacation (while giving them alot of freedom). I would love to be a help to them while they raise their families, giving the young couples time to be alone even when they have little ones.
I was always very envious of couples dh and I know who had involved loving parents/grandparents. The ones who took trips together, and babysat for nights out, and took the grandkids to the park and for ice cream.
Any suggestions or thoughts on how to learn to do this?

 

[Davids-Coco]

Honestly, I don't think it is something learned. My mom is a wonderful MIL to my DH. She just treats him like she would a son. They always have taken care of him though. His now divorced parents were never really great.

Its all grey though... be helpful but not overly helpful... etc.

I am sure that you will do fine when the time comes. My MIL seems a bit like yours... we haven't spoken to her in over a year and the only time we hear from his dad is because they (meaning he and DH's married, employed sister) want us to give them money. Oh well... I thank god every day for my parents and the love they have for my DH.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

Make sure you treat everyone the same with no "favorites". My MIL treats my girls horribly while my SILs kids are the favored ones. She also makes sure my girls know she has favorites which is evil IMO. My mom on the other hand loves my DH, treats him like the son she always wanted and brags about him to everyone. At work she has a picture of him and the girls (none of me ) and tells people how proud she is of her "son". She also treats my SILs kids like they are her Gkids, which is really nice and they call her Grandma Jo like my girls do.

I am sure you will be a great MIL! The fact that you care enough to ask for opinions on how to do so bodes well!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Things I love about my MIL:

#1. She is not judgemental (or if she doesn't agree she doesn't tell me.) So if she has a suggestion I don't take it personally.

She respects me as the Mother and Wife of her G'daughter and Son.

She respects me as a person.

She is a FUN Grandma, but can be firm if need be. (But less firm than Mom and Dad. )

She is so easy going. Defintely a "go with the flow" person.

She dropped everything and took sick days when I had my miscarriage to come up here and watch DD. We became a lot closer after that.

Things I love about my Mom as a MIL:

Will come to you on a moments notice if you need her. (Even to fly across the country.)

Loves my DH and DD.

Stands up with DH against me. (That sounds bad, but it is in a joking way. I don't take it personally. )

Also a fun Grandma in different ways than MIL.

 

[kimwim8]

I think that just the fact that you're conscious of it, you will be great. It's those that could care less about others that end up hurting feelings.

I have at times complained about my MIL & FIL, but they have always treated me with respect, and treat me as one of their own.

 

[Lisa F]

Ditto what Kim said. I don't think that the vast majority of MILs sit down and think about how to be mean... it just comes naturally. If you are aware of the fact that as a mother it is sometimes difficult letting go of your sons and understanding that they now have someone in their life who is a bigger part of their life than even their mother, you're way ahead of most. You can't ever really go wrong treating someone like you, yourself would like to be treated.

 

[CEDmom]

I think the fact that you have a good relationship with your children and truely have their best interest at heart will go a long way towards being a wonderful MIL . My own mom is a great MIL. She treats my DH with respect but also like he is another son. I think she has a very good relationhip with both my SILs and is always doing little things for all the grandkids. The bottom line is she would walk on fire to help any of her children, their spouses or her grandchild.

My MIL on the contrary was not that great of a mother. She is about as affectionate as a gnat and blatantly favors my BIL over my DH. What that has gotten her is one son who's a mommas boy and doesn't lift a finger to do anything and another who is successful, happily married and the father of her only grandchild but is tired of being a doormat.

So my advice is to continue to be the wonderful mother you are and everything will be fine.

 

[ahutton]

I think the relationship you have as an inlaw starts with what kind of relationship you had as a parent in the first place. My parents are loving, caring, giving people who don't pass judgments for choices I've made, even when they were HORRIBLE choices. They respect me, and they treat DH and I as a family.

DH's parents have always been the type who if he doesn't do what they want, how they see fit, they hold it against him. They didn't like our wedding plan, and told DH they weren't going to come. They didn't like that we didn't want anyone in the delivery room when having our kids, and so they didn't visit at all for over a year. DH told them because baby #3 is scheduled for delivery 12/30 that we wouldn't be able to come to their place for Christmas this year, they haven't called him in almost 3 months, since that conversation.

So do I think DH got the better MIL than I did? YEP! So does he! It isn't often a guy can say he is way more worried about a phone call from his own family than mine coming to stay with us.

 

[caitycaity]

I think the relationship you have as an inlaw starts with what kind of relationship you had as a parent in the first place. My parents are loving, caring, giving people who don't pass judgments for choices I've made, even when they were HORRIBLE choices. They respect me, and they treat DH and I as a family.

DH's parents have always been the type who if he doesn't do what they want, how they see fit, they hold it against him. They didn't like our wedding plan, and told DH they weren't going to come.

i think it has more to do with how you are as a parent in general too. my parents and my dh are much closer than i am to his family. then again, i am closer to my parents than dh is to his family too.

the other thing to keep in mind is that some people, even if no one is mean, are just different and will never be very close. i feel this way with some of my inlaws. some of them are nice people, but we are just so different i don't have much to talk to them about. don't automatically assume the things you love will be the things your children's spouse will love.

i also feel very uncomfortable calling my il's mom and dad. my mil gets very offended by this. i don't do it to be offensive; i am just not comfortable calling her that. it feels very unnatural.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by caitycaity
[B
i also feel very uncomfortable calling my il's mom and dad. my mil gets very offended by this. i don't do it to be offensive; i am just not comfortable calling her that. it feels very unnatural. [/B]

I don't call my IL's Mom and Dad either. Dh, on the other hand, called my Mom "Mom" the first day he met her (when I introduced them I said "this is my Mom..." so he said "Hi Mom". ) He calls them Mom and Dad, but it is just his personality to do so.

 

[decker96]

My MIL is annoying and irritating. I don't hate her and she's not evil like some people's on these board are, but these are the things she does that I will be sure NEVER to do as a MIL!

1. Do NOT tell me how to raise my children unless I ask you for specific advice. My mom will give me advice if I ask her, but never says things like, "You know, you really shouldn't do that or let them have that".

2. Do not undermine something I've told my children by either letting them do it anyway or disagreeing with me in front of them.
Ex. My DD then 4 had already had 4 cookies after dinner. I told her that was it, no more. MIL heard me and took another cookie, broke it in half and gave it to her, saying oh, one more half won't hurt.

3. Do not tell me dumb stories that make absolutely no sense in an effort to make me do something differently that isn't harmful, but that you don't like.
Ex. We all (kids included) sleep with fans on in our rooms for background noise. They do not blow on us at all, they are small fans pointing at the wall. MIL does not like this and doesn't understand why we do this so she told me that someone they know got a facial tic from having a fan blowing on his face every night. Ours don't blow on our faces or any other part of our body which we've told her many times. She's told me this same story about 50 times.
2nd ex. I drink a can of Coke every day with my lunch. That's it, 1 can. MIL doesn't like pop, doesn't drink it herself and doesn't think anyone else should either. So she told me this story about this guy they know (they know everyone ) that got throat cancer from drinking Coke. I said how many cans a day did he drink. She said 6 or 7. I said well, I only drink 1. It could still happen she says. Whatever!!

4. Don't try to make me feel guilty and imply that my DH is deprived because I'm not a neat freak like you, don't bake every day and I make him make his own sandwich at lunchtime.

5. Do not turn every situation around and make it about you so that you can always be the center of attention. IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!!! Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with you!!

6. Do not rely on me or your children or your grandchildren to make you feel good about yourself. Just because someone doesn't compliment your food the instant they put the first bite in their mouth or doesn't gush over your gifts as much as you think is necessary do not give me the "poor me" and "I can't do anything right" crap!

7. Don't ask me if I want you to buy something for me or my kids, if you're just going to buy it anyway even if I say no.
Ex. When I was pregnant with my DS she called me and said that the hospital auxilary was having their annual quilt auction. They had two baby quilts there, did I want one of them. We had TONS of quilts that I had gotten with my first DD(most of which we never even used), plus DS's room was going to be in the same decor as DD's (Noah's Ark) so I said we didn't need any quilts at all, she knows I'm really not that into them. DS is born and what does she bring him, yep one of the quilts. Why did you even bother to ask me?!! At least if you had just bought it without asking me I wouldn't have been mad about it.

If my MIL didn't do any of these things (there are alot more, but these are the major ones), we would get along so well. I mostly ignore her when she does most of these things, but you can only take so much BS at one time before you lose it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I love this thread!! I think somebody ought to write a book that would be the ideal gift for future inlaws/grandmas!!!

All people and situations are so very different that it would be hard to come up with real specifics. But, here would be what I would tell my inlaws, if I could.

1. Your son is now my husband. He is an adult. Therefore, he is not your 'child'. Allow him to separate from you and to live his own life and to make the decisions that are best for HIS family.... which is now Him, His Wife, and child(ren). Remember, you can no longer expect him to do as you wish. He and his wife now have their OWN wishes... Allow him, as an adult, to go about fulfilling these wishes. These most likely will NOT be what your wishes are. How could they be. He is not YOU. Cut the umbilical cord, no matter how painful that may be for you. You MUST do this.

2. Realize that you and your son and his family may have completely different ideals. Your visions and wishes may be of 'Family Holidays' and 'Family Vacations' and 'Girls day out shopping trips' Your son and his family have a busy life with a lot of other demands and their own wishes and visions. If some of these ideals match, GREAT! If not, Get Over It.

3. Realize that there are now new boundaries. Big time boundaries! Build a mental, emotional, and psychological brick wall. Realize that it is entirely inappropriate to cross this wall. It is NOT okay to cross this line and to butt in to any other adult couples personal life. And it is NOT okay to cross this line and to butt into your sons and his wifes/families personal life. It is their life. Respect that. If you do not abide by this psychological brick wall, you will force your son and his wife to have to create REAL walls in order to live their lives and to have their own autonomy and privacy.

4. Your DIL is not, I repeat NOT your daughter. She is not an extension of you and your family. She is an adult with her own way of thinking and her own way of doing things. She did NOT walk into your family to fulfill YOUR ideas. She and her husband(your son) have ideas all of their own. Just because something was always this-and-such-a-way in your family, does not mean that your DIL should be this way. Just because your family has certain 'views' does not mean that she should adopt them. She is an adult, and as such, she does NOT need another 'mother' or 'father'. Respect her as an adult individual, even if you may occasional disagree on some things.

5. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do or say anything at all that might come between your son and his wife. They are 'as one' now, and you are the outsider. HELLO... this is painful but true... Never make the common mistake of creating the situation where your son is in the position where he has to choose... 'who do I please'. Because, the wife should ALWAYS win this one. If the wife wants a 'private family vacation', without you, then expect that your son and his wife will take a 'private vacation'. It is WAY too easy to fall into a 'I don't like HER' 'HER against US' situation, just because she is now taking your son away from you, or just because you may not like every little thing that she says or does. HELLO, you are NOT going to like every single thing your DIL says or does. Expecting her to meet your wishes and expectations is simply setting up an impossible situation. HELLO, she did not take your son away from you. He is an adult. He loves her and he married her. It is HER that keeps him warm in bed at night. Do not let your feelings ever let you come anywhere between your son and his wife. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

6. A word about grandkids.... They are NOT your kids. You have NO right to tell your son and DIL exactly how to raise them. They did not have this precious baby just to raise it for you. It is their child, it is their job, it is THEIR dreams and hopes and aspirations.... Of course it is your grandchild. And you should be able to love this child, and to go to the park, and eat ice-cream... etc. But, always remember. It is NOT your child. You must respect your DIL and sons role as parents. If you want to spend time with your grandchild, you will do your best to abide by THEIR guidelines and THEIR wishes and THEIR limits. If they say, the child must have a nap, or must not have chocolate, whatever... THAT is what goes! Otherwise, if they feel that you are not respecting them as parents and are undermining how they are raising their child, well, you may find out very very quickly that you will have little-to-no time with your grandchild.

7. If you want your DIL to become a part of your 'family', then it is up to YOU to bring her into the family.... That means giving her equal consideration with everyone else. This means going out of your way to make her feel welcome. If you do not expect your son to verbally 'thank' you after you have a family meal together, then do not expect your DIL to have too. Your DIL's feelings and wishes should be given the utmost consideration. Just as your spouse, your son, etc... Do not expect her to become 'family' if she is not free to be herself, feel her feelings, have control of her life with her husband, etc... She is not your sons new 'pet'. You can not expect to train her like you would a new puppy coming into the family! She has to be respected as a full blown adult family member right from the get-go. This is not something that should have to be begged for, or earned.


As you can see, I have Inlaws that have fallen into every common trap and have broken every rule in the book!!!! To bad!!! It is their loss. They do not see much of their grandson, we would never travel together, etc....

 

[MerryPoppins]

I agree with most of what the other posters have said. I'd add that you can't assume that family traditions will always stay the same. My MIL decided "we've always had our family get together on Christmas Eve so that can't ever change". Never mind that my family always got together on Christmas Eve as well. DH and I were willing to work something out. We used to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house on the 23rd so we could spend the night and then stay until maybe 8:30 on Christmas Eve. That wasn't good enough. My family gave up spending the evening with us Christmas Eve in the process. We wouldn't get there until it was almost time to go to Midnight Mass, but they understood that we were doing the best we could. Be willing to change things a little. You are gaining new family of sorts and they have important traditions, too.

Be open to starting new traditions. My mom and dad decided to start having Thansgiving on Friday so it was easier for my brother and I to spend the whole day with them. It works just fine! What difference did the day actually make? If things don't work out, be flexible and do something different. (A thick skin helps a little. You can't expect them to make the holiday work for you. It's not their job to entertain you. So don't get hurt if something gets in the way of your plans)

Don't play the grandkids against their parents. My in-laws used to tell my kids (in private) all the reasons we should move closer to grandma and grandpa. They said they needed us. They even bribed them with the idea of buying the kids houses when they graduate from high school if they'd move nearby. They would attempt to indoctrinate them when they couldn't get DH and I to agree with them on a subject.

Don't use divide and conqueor (is that how you spell it?). Don't pull your DIL or your DS aside and try to get them to side against the other.

Don't force your child to choose between you and his wife. My husband finally got so fed up that he told his mother if he had to choose between the two of us, she'd come up short. It was hard for him to say and hard for her to hear, but she needed to hear it.

Don't use money to buy your way. My in-laws like to give gifts, but they come with strings attatched. A gift is a gift to me. Later we hear things like "if it hadn't been for us you couldn't have. . . ." or "we always have to bail you out" when it was a gift that was not even requested.

Your sons will always be your kids. That's natural. But understand that there is a time to cut the apron strings and let them make mistakes. You made them. You lived. Let them have room to think things through and do their own thing. Once they are married, they are adults and you can't continue to tell them what they "want" or what they "need" to do.

Don't call to invite them and expect that they can always come. Mine said we were involved in way too many things when we couldn't always drop everything to come. And sometimes they called at the last minute with "we just put a roast in the oven and it'll be ready in a couple of hours - come now". That
s okay if it's an invitation, but not if it's an order. Also don't invite yourself over at a moment's notice. They might have plans.

I plan to try to see in my future DIL and SIL whatever my children love in them. I think if you can find something (or hopefully many things) to love, and you are willing to be open and understanding, you will be a great MIL.

 

[patsvette]

My mom is great with my wife,they talk on the phone go to lunch,and she never gets in the middle of anything we do,its always supportive.She couldnt ask for a better MIL.

 

[lapinluv]

decker Do we have the same MIL?

Can't stand my MIL, so here are my thoughts based on what my MIL has done to me.

1) Don't look down on your DIL's decision to be a Working Mom or SAHM.

Ex: My MIL isn't aware of our financial situation, but assumes that we both work so we can have frivolous things.

2) Don't say sexist, anti-semitic or racist things in front of your grandchildren.

Ex: I try very hard to raise my daughter in an open and accepting environment. My in-laws constantly make racist and sexist comments that undermine that.

3) Don't say "Your Mom said 'No'" when your grandhild asks for or to do something after his/her parents have said 'No'.

4) Don't buy them things for Christmas or birthday sbecause you were appalled the didn't have them in my house.
Ex: My MIL has bought me dish rags, salt and pepper shakers andwine openers. We've been married for 10+ years. If we needed them, we would have gotten them ourselves.

5) Don't cook for your son husband and tell your DIL it's so he has a "home cooked meal every once in a while."

6) Don't tell your DIL that if it was good enough your son it's good enough for your granchild now.

Ex: I don't want a 50 year old bassinet. I don't want a 35 year old crib. I don't want the very first baby seat known to man. I don't agree that children should be left in the bathtub alone while I clean on the other side of the house. Things have changed, 35 years is a long time for researchers to determine new things. Raising children now is not the same as it was 35 years ago.

In short, you have to let your sons and their wives determine how much they want you in their lives. If you push for every holiday, vacations, etc, your DIL will certainly resent you and you'll never have a good relationship. The first holiday we spent with my family, my DH was guilted for months afterwards by every member of his family. So, no guilt trips or "Wouldn't it be nices". Let them live their lives and include you as they see fit.

They won't be able to come over every weekend or spend every extra moment with you. They may lean on you for help once and again; don't hold it against them as bribes to come over more or bring the kids, etc.

Don't tell them when they tell you they're pregnant - "But you're not ready! You won't be good parents! I'm not that old" (My MIL said this to us).

Just be loving and open and non-judgemental. Good relationships will come.

 

[decker96]

Originally posted by lapinluv
decker Do we have the same MIL?

Oh my gosh! I think we do!!! Mine says and does all the things you've said too, except for the SAHM thing because I do stay home. Therefore, I do make dinner pretty much every night, but since not all of them are "from scratch" it apparently really isn't a home-cooked meal.
I totally forgot about the old furniture thing!! She tried to get us to take their crib when I was pregnant with my first. I explained to her that 1) it wasn't the style we liked and 2) it really wasn't safe and she thought I was being selfish for the first reason and stupid for the second.
She also keeps trying to pawn off DH's bedroom set from when he was a kid on us for DS. It's super dark wood which I DO NOT like and it's a nautical theme (the headboard of the bed is a ship's wheel). Plus, the pieces are all huge, big heavy double bed, long dresser with a mirror and a bookcase/cabinet thing. There's no way it would all fit in DS's room and I don't want it. DH has told MIL no many times, but she just keeps bringing it up. The problem is she really wants a new bedroom set in that room, but she can't bring herself to just get rid of or sell the old one (she can't get rid of anything), so she's trying to get us to take it. Nope, sorry not going to happen!!

Sorry, Tiggeroo to get off topic!!

 

[Beth76]

Here's the problem with my MIL she's very (not quite sure how to say this) let's say "nothing". She doesn't do anything really bad, but she doesn't do anything good either. I almost wish she was flat-out mean to me or DH just so we could have an excuse to not see her. I feel no love for her. I don't like her, but I don't hate her. Again, there's nothing to dislike/hate, but there's nothing to like/love. She never visits us. When we go to visit, she doesn't really talk to us, maybe a little small talk. She doesn't really do anthing with the boys. She'll hold the baby all day if I'd let her, but won't really do anything else.

She makes a few rude comments, but never with a rude "attitude". More like it's a well-known fact that she's reiterating or a funny comment. Example: She didn't like that we named our son Quinn, so she announced in her church bulletin that she and her husband had a grandson named Alexander (his middle name). She types up the bulletin, so she can't blame it on anyone. Except my husband. She said that my husband didn't tell her the first name. She even laughed when she said it like my husband is just so silly he forgot our son's first name. She made it into a "cute" story.

She's just a giant pain-in-the-butt, but not bad enough that we can justify terminating our relationship. But, she does nothing to build a relationship either.

 

[Parkerpooh]

OooH! I would to email this to my wacko MIL!! She refuses to redecorate my DH's bedroom "just in case"! It's been 10 yrs and she still can't accept her "baby" is not living at home anymore! Where's Dr. Phil when we need him?!!!

 

[dreamgirl]

My biggest complaint about my MIL is that she can never discuss things in front of me. She will purposfully wait until she has my husband alone and try to pursuede him to do things her way. For example my husband was looking for a new job and as husband and wife we discussed the possibility of his becoming a prison guard. I know that job is a very hard and stressful job but my father did it for many years and is just fine. My husband and I both agreed he should at least go to the job fair and see what it was all about. Well next thing I know dear MIL got a hold of my dear husband and all I heard was how dangerous the job was and maybe he should just stay where he was. Whatever!

If I have one word of advice Don't discuss things with your son and not include your DIL. She is part of the family now and your son is most liking going to share with her anyway.

 

[Tinkertude]

My Mom's advice was" Keep your mouth shut and don't ask any questions" Worked for her and works for me. I refer to myself as my sil favorite mil.