How rude is this

[BostonTigger]

One month from tomorrow I'll be getting married to my long time girlfriend. As expected, the wedding planning has been on going and with the exception of a few minor glitches, the unity candle wasn't what we expected, and the guest list and who's invited...or not. Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions, we're not fighting over who's invited or not, it's who invited who. You see, a mutual friend of ours invited someone along as a date for the wedding, and they were not invited. When we put together the invitation her name was the only one on it and not Jane Doe and Guest. So now this throws off the seating chart and who sits with who (it's hard work trying to figure out who sits with who and where) and has also irriated my fiancee and her mother. We've tried to drop hints off to her but to no avail. And from what I understand this friend kind of infiltrated herself into the wedding party at a brdal shower this past weekend. What I meant by that is she started handing out presents at the bridal shower and started taking control of the party. Now bear in mind I don't know propert bridal shower etiquette, but from what I understand it's the Maid of Honor that hands out the presents and does the party, and this really upset my fiancee. Hints have been dropped left and right and she just doesn't get it. Well, I guess that's enough venting, thanks for listening.

TTFN
BT

 

[Alicnwondrln]

thats to bad as your wedding and all wedding stuff should be special
'if shes not taking the hint then you might need to be more direct
unfortunate yes but if you dont and this person does this stuff at your wedding it could ruin it for you guys which is unfortunate

 

[Tigger_Magic]

I agree with Kelly -- if the hints don't work, just come out and say it. After all, it is your wedding and it should be the way you want it. People just don't invite themselves into these events; that's just rude. Unfortunately, some people are oblivious to their own rudeness.

 

[Jennasis]

There are two camps of thought on this problem. You can either come clean and just tell this lady that she can't bring a date as you have budgeted for X number of guests and seats and have already had to tell several others that they can't bring dates too.

OR...

You could just let her bring her date and try to shift the seating around as needed.

I probably would do the latter just because I am a non-confrontational person. In fact I am planning my August wedding and one of my Dfi's Mom's friends asked his mom if she could bring her sister...not a date...and the invitation did not say "And guest". We are allowing it just to keep the peace.

 

[BostonTigger]

It is unfortunate, because it's making life difficult for everyone right now. Her mother said she was going to deal with it, and she will, but my fiancee has gotten to the point that she has just said to this friend, "do what ever you want." I hate seeing my fiancee like this.

 

[pw2pp]

When you invite an adult to a wedding, aren't you usually supposed to put "Jane Doe and Guest"? So you didn't want her to bring ANY guest with her at all?
It just seems like alot of worry over nothing to me. Just try to relax and enjoy your many years of marriage to come.

 

[powellrj]

When you invite an adult to a wedding, aren't you usually supposed to put "Jane Doe and Guest"? So you didn't want her to bring ANY guest with her at all?
It just seems like alot of worry over nothing to me. Just try to relax and enjoy your many years of marriage to come.

I didn't realize the rules had changed. When we got married, you always put "and guest" for single people even if they weren't seeing anyone. I don't think she did this to make you angry, maybe she just didn't know any better.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

For my wedding we had two folks call and ask if they could bring a guest (I thought that was rude) but to just go and invite one is really rude!

Hey weddings are expensive and it is difficult to decide who to inculde /exclude!! I think you (Or whomevers name is on the invite as the invitor..) should call this person and explain that the guest list did not include her bringing a guest.... and that right now there is not enough room to accomodate anyone extra....

(this is especially important if you have others that you did not allow to bring a guest.....or you cuold end up with quite a few extra!!)

I just wanted to add that whatever you chose to do about this it is important to just let things go and enjoy the happy times!!

Have a wonderful wedding and a fantastic marriage!! I wish you much happiness!!

 

[BostonTigger]

In fact I am planning my August wedding and one of my Dfi's Mom's friends asked his mom if she could bring her sister...not a date...and the invitation did not say "And guest". We are allowing it just to keep the peace.

If she had just asked, it might have been different. We might have said no, but it could have been yes.

 

[4greatboys]

May they didnt realize they werent allowed to bring a guest. I would not invite someone to my wedding and expect them to come alone. In the grand scheme of things its really just not that big of deal. Relax, let them bring a guest and everyone have good time.

 

[BostonTigger]

When you invite an adult to a wedding, aren't you usually supposed to put "Jane Doe and Guest"? So you didn't want her to bring ANY guest with her at all?

Right before we sent out the invitations she broken up with her boyfriend and moved out here to Boston from Ohio. So 1) we didn't think she would be able to bring anyone, having just moved to Boston, and 2) We only put her name down, and not "and guest". Whether there's a writtn or unwritten rule about inviting guests is irrelevant. It's rude to invite someone who hasn't been invited. Now as I said before, if she had asked, it might have been different, but she didn't ask.

eta: Don't worry, I plan on having a great time regardless of what happens.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Right before we sent out the invitations she broken up with her boyfriend and moved out here to Boston from Ohio. So 1) we didn't think she would be able to bring anyone, having just moved to Boston, and 2) We only put her name down, and not "and guest". Whether there's a writtn or unwritten rule about inviting guests is irrelevant. It's rude to invite someone who hasn't been invited. Now as I said before, if she had asked, it might have been different, but she didn't aks.

I completely agree with you.

As you (or family) are paying for this wedding...you are allowed to invite who you want. And you are NOT obligated to put "and guest" on invitations. (yes it's nice...but if you are on a budget, there is no need for you to host a bunch of random people you do not know.)

straight out tell your friend that only HE was invited...not this girl. if you can't do it - have a family member do it.

it's not rude...the only "rudeness" was this person inviting an extra person.

trust me...we received a reply card back for 8 people. um...only 4 were invited from that family. we were on a budget and put that to an end PDQ.

best of luck...but, overall, don't let it ruin your wedding. it's so minimal. trust me, the day after the wedding...when everything is over, you'll laugh that you stressed over such small details.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

Right before we sent out the invitations she broken up with her boyfriend and moved out here to Boston from Ohio. So 1) we didn't think she would be able to bring anyone, having just moved to Boston, and 2) We only put her name down, and not "and guest". Whether there's a writtn or unwritten rule about inviting guests is irrelevant. It's rude to invite someone who hasn't been invited. Now as I said before, if she had asked, it might have been different, but she didn't ask.

eta: Don't worry, I plan on having a great time irregardless of what happens.

With the huge expense of formal weddings I feel that if I have to chose between a friend/relative bringing a guest who I don't know (assuming they are not seeing someone regularly) and having another actual friend or relative attend the wedding I would chose to have someone I know come to the wedding!!

In a perfect world with unlimited resources, sure anyone over a ceratin age should be allowed to bring a guest....but sometimes choices have to be made!

The op is upset that the choice they made was not honored....

can't blame him for being bothered.....
and its better to vent here and think through a situation..... imho

 

[LindsayDunn228]

eta: Don't worry, I plan on having a great time irregardless of what happens.

Sweetie, there's no such word. Sorry, peeve of mine

 

[avdeane]

Why not tell this woman that you only budgeted for so many people for the meal. But she is more than welcome to have her guest meet her afterwards to enjoy the reception.

My daughter was married last year and we had several people show up that weren't personally invited (older child coming with parents, single person only stated themselves but brought a date). Of course there were also the few who said they were coming but didn't show up or the person who was supposed to have a guest with them but didn't. The only bother from this was shuffling around some seating arrangements at the reception hall. It wasn't a big problem and it didn't disrupt the day either. Hopefully your wedding will go smoothly too!! Try not to stress too much over it!!

 

[BostonTigger]

Sweetie, there's no such word. Sorry, peeve of mine

Thanks, I tried to edit it after I originally posted it, but my internet has been acting funny lately and I got booted off....sorry, I'll edit it right now.

Thanks again.

 

[pixiedust23]

You did the right thing. My brother and his fiancee are currently planning their wedding and those thigns are dang expensive. I couldnt believe it. If people on their guest lists are dating anyone theyre not putting "and guest" and even some people who are and they dont know them well, they are not getting a guest either. I mean they would rather celebrate their special day with people they love and not people they barely even know.

 

[BostonTigger]

My daughter was married last year and we had several people show up that weren't personally invited (older child coming with parents, single person only stated themselves but brought a date). Of course there were also the few who said they were coming but didn't show up or the person who was supposed to have a guest with them but didn't. The only bother from this was shuffling around some seating arrangements at the reception hall. It wasn't a big problem and it didn't disrupt the day either. Hopefully your wedding will go smoothly too!! Try not to stress too much over it!!

This is a big fear mine, people showing up that wasn't invited. May this not happen to at my wedding.

 

[Cheap-n-Dale]

Whether there's a writtn or unwritten rule about inviting guests is irrelevant.

Its really not irrelevant. If something is so ridiculously uncommon, it would be easy to assume either 1) you made an oversight or 2) she never read the inner envelope.

If it's a problem, tell her. It's your wedding.

 

[jellymanoffspring]

This is a big fear mine, people showing up that wasn't invited. May this not happen to at my wedding.

Don't worry......what you need to do is put a trusted person....FIL, Brother, bestman whomever.....in charge of things like that
have them work with the matre de' or banquet manager on the wedding day...they can handle it if someone extra shows up and you should not even give it a second thought!

Go with the flow on the wedding day...you have already done all of the planning /work .... just enjoy the experience and laugh off anything that goes wrong.........