How or should I, answer my sisters email...?

[BriarfoxinWA]

My nephew (sisters 2nd son) is getting married in October in California. My sister is insisting that our parents are going to attend. Our dad - who will be 80 is not all that thrilled about going. It's a 2 hour drive to the airport followed by a 2.5 hour flight. He originally was not planning to attend but my sister just assumed that they are going. I emailed my Dsis and told her that they may not atttend. The cost combined with Dad's health (he's on Coumidan and has a heart condition) are the reasons.

Her email to me today was basically that "this is a ONCE in a lifetime event for MY family. It’s not like I’m asking them to come for a vacation. This will NEVER happen again!! Plus, who knows when they will EVER get to see the girls again" (the girls are their 3 great granddaughters)

Now I have to add that over the years I can count on one hand the number of times that she and her family have come to visit them. Mom and Dad have visited several times although less frequently over the past 5 years or so. Her DS that she claims is "so close" to Dad hasn't spoken to him in years. Personally I think she is being totally selfish to put such disregard on dad's health and basically try to shame him into going.

Maybe I better just keep my thoughts to myself - in the interest of peace in the family...

 

[mickeyboat]

I might keep my thoughts to myself and let my parents handle it (as long as you think they will do what is in their best interest).

My grandfather did not come to my wedding - he was 91. I totally understood why, and was very honored and grateful that my grandmother, who was 82, was able to come. It was quite a journey for her, and we have some lovely pictures of us together. It meant a lot to me.

Denae

 

[java]

My Grandmother attended my wedding in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank. She wouldn't have missed it for the world and it means the world to me now that she is gone to have her in that video. I think this decision is up to your dad. And I wouldn't get involved. But that is just me.

 

[boppy]

Don't you just love siblings?
I think it is pretty ridiculous of your sister to expect your Dad to do all that, especially since he has expressed his own concerns. I would send a "nice" email, pretty much just saying that you don't think she should try and guilt your parents. Any rational person would understand. At 80 years old, I think the guy can make up his own mind. Maybe offer to video a message from your parents to the nephew? Good luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

While your sister is being VERY demanding...

It really was not your place to say anything about whether your parents will attend. I am assuming that they are capable of answering the RSVP themselves... And they did not request that you handle it for them.

I am assuming, that while they are indeed getting older, your parents are still fairly healthy, of sound mind and can handle the situation themselves... Even if they have not given a definite answer, and your sister is trying to guilt them.. that is still THEIR business.. Not within your realm of control. If your parents do speak with you about declining to attend the wedding, then let them know that YOU understand, and that is their decision, which you respect... (with the unsaid message being, 'even though my sister is acting like a selfish jerk who does not understand or respect you at all...)

I am so sorry for the drama... but you did kinda buy yourself a ticket to the production..

Bow out gracefully.

Make your own decision about attending the wedding based on what is right for you, and let everyone else do the same.

PS: If your parents do wish to attend, but are hesitant to do so on their own, would they welcome your help? Would you be able to help them out by traveling with them, making the travel arrangements, etc... That really is the only positive way to be involved.

 

[RickinNYC]

Honestly, I WOULD get involved for a couple of reasons, the primary of which is he's your father as well, and you have equal say in his safety, health and comfort. Secondly, your sister brought you into this situation by way of telling you her thoughts, which then allows you to state your thoughts in rebuttal. I were in your shoes, I'd most definitely 110% make sure my opinion was known, unpopular as she will think it is. Frankly, I'd also not be particularly polite about it at all and not hold back. Sounds like your sister needs a verbal slap in the face of reality.

Your father's health and well being are much, MUCH more important than a memorable photo op. Many apologies to those posters that treasure those memories (I agree that those pictures must be lovely, very much so), but I would put my Dad's health before my desire to have him attend a wedding. As much as I'd love to have him there, I would understand why he wasn't able to participate and I certainly wouldn't begrudge his decision.

The very idea that your sister wants your father to potentially risk his health and well-being simply because he can be at her son's wedding is incredibly self centered. Somehow, given what you've said about your nephew's relationship with his grandfather, the groom to be likely wouldn't care. It's your sister that does. It's not her flippin' wedding.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

While your sister is being VERY demanding...

It really was not your place to say anything about whether your parents will attend. I am assuming that they are capable of answering the RSVP themselves... And they did not request that you handle it for them.

I am assuming, that while they are indeed getting older, your parents are still fairly healthy, of sound mind and can handle the situation themselves...

I am so sorry for the drama... but you did kinda buy yourself a ticket to the production..

Bow out gracefully.

Make your own decision about attending the wedding based on what is right for you, and let everyone else do the same.

PS: If your parents do wish to attend, but are hesitant to do so on their own, would they welcome your help? Would you be able to help them out by traveling with them, making the travel arrangements, etc... That really is the only positive way to be involved.

I've offered to buy first class tickets for Dad and Mom and I'm working on either a timeshare condo or hotel for all of us. I think I will just bow out gracefully as you suggested. I'll help the folks if they decide to go or support their decision if they choose not too. I'm not going to continue to encourage dad to go, now that I know he has valid medical concerns.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Honestly, I WOULD get involved for a couple of reasons, the primary of which is he's your father as well, and you have equal say in his safety, health and comfort.

I understand what you are saying Rick, but I very respectfully disagree.

Unless her father is somewhat incapacitiated in mind and body, this is HIS decision to make.

He is an adult, not a dependant of the OP, and should be allowed to make his own decision without EITHER sister putting him in the middle of some emotional/psychological battle.

Why should anyone other than the person themselves (the OP's parents) have say-so????

 

[mjkacmom]

My grandmother was almost 90, and wouldn't have missed my wedding for anything - she was buried in the gown she wore. I can understand her feelings - this is more of than a photo-op, it might be the last time they see their parents/grandparents/great-grandparents. It's a memory. My FIL is 80, and still refs basketball and baseball games. I hope that when I am elderly, I will still have the energy to get around, even on heart medication.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I've offered to buy first class tickets for Dad and Mom and I'm working on either a timeshare condo or hotel for all of us. I think I will just bow out gracefully as you suggested. I'll help the folks if they decide to go or support their decision if they choose not too. I'm not going to continue to encourage dad to go, now that I know he has valid medical concerns.

I hope it all works out well for everyone... Whether your parents wish to attend, and no matter WHAT their reasons/excuses may be if they decline.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My grandmother was almost 90, and wouldn't have missed my wedding for anything ...

That is wonderful!!!!

However, that was HER decision and that was how she felt...
The OP's parents should be given the respect and consideration to make their own decisions based on their specific situation and their feelings.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

My mother is elderly and on heart medication. I know she'd hate to miss a wedding that far away but her health could be adversely affected I would make sure my sibling wasn't putting too much pressure on my parents. Secondly, I'd tell my parents I'd support whatever they chose to do.

 

[mselly13]

I don't know your situation...but it's sounds like you live fairly close to your parents whereas your sister doesn't.

I can see where you maybe have discussed them with them and they expressed their concerns to you. I would agree with you in stepping in to speak up for your parents so that your sister does not guilt them into making a trip they can't afford or they would hurt them heath wise.

Why don't you offer that the sister and her family come for a visit over the summer as well as the bride and groom and have a local(for your parents) reception there.

My grandmother would never have thought about coming to my wedding. I sent her an invitation, she sent a gift. But for me to expect her to come would have ridiculous.

But by all means, protect your parents and don't let your sister walk all over them. Peace or not in the family. Protect your parents.

 

[Disney Doll]

My grandmother was almost 90, and wouldn't have missed my wedding for anything - she was buried in the gown she wore. I can understand her feelings - this is more of than a photo-op, it might be the last time they see their parents/grandparents/great-grandparents. It's a memory. My FIL is 80, and still refs basketball and baseball games. I hope that when I am elderly, I will still have the energy to get around, even on heart medication.

And if the groom/grandson was so inclined, he could make the effort to get to see his 80-something year old grandparents with health issues.

According to the OP, grandson/groom hasn't made much of an effort in this regard, so how important is the relationship after all?

That being said, OP my best advice would be to bow out of the discussion, & help your parents plan their trip if they make that decision.

 

[Kirby]

I think that your sister is being very selfish. I would let your parents know that you support them in whatever decision that they make. If your sister is so worried about when they might see their great granddaughters, then maybe she should make the effort to bring them to your parents, not the other way around. My father is blind and partially deaf, I would never expect him to travel 4 1/2 plus hours just to attend my son's wedding if he didn't feel up to it. If her son was so "close" to his grandfather, he would have been keeping in contact with him.

As far as your rebuttal, I have mixed feelings about it.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I don't know your situation...but it's sounds like you live fairly close to your parents whereas your sister doesn't.

I can see where you maybe have discussed them with them and they expressed their concerns to you. I would agree with you in stepping in to speak up for your parents so that your sister does not guilt them into making a trip they can't afford or they would hurt them heath wise.

Why don't you offer that the sister and her family come for a visit over the summer as well as the bride and groom and have a local(for your parents) reception there.

My grandmother would never have thought about coming to my wedding. I sent her an invitation, she sent a gift. But for me to expect her to come would have ridiculous.

But by all means, protect your parents and don't let your sister walk all over them. Peace or not in the family. Protect your parents.

Yes we do live very close... next door in fact. My main concern is that my sister will basically shame my dad into going. Personally I feel she's being very selfish demanding that they come regardless of their health issues. I think is has been at least 3 or 4 years since the last time she came to visit. The DS that is getting married hasn't seen his grandpa since his brothers wedding 8 years ago.

I think I will suggest that if they all want to come to visit I'd be happy to host them, get a hotel at my expense etc... But I know they won't come. I had asked her if she would consider coming to visit this summer for Dad's upcoming 80th birthday and she flat told me no. They have too much going on with the wedding. (I was hoping that I could get both my sister and brother to come as a surprise to Dad for his birthday, but that obviously got shot down )

I think it boils down to the fact that she wants to see Dad but can't afford to come. My nephew with the 3 little girls has not visited them here since shortly before his wedding. Dad has only seen one of the great-granddaughters and that was at her baptism. I think the whole family has financial issues and while they can afford to buy a new boat they can't afford a plane ticket or two.

 

[RickinNYC]

I understand what you are saying Rick, but I very respectfully disagree.

Unless her father is somewhat incapacitiated in mind and body, this is HIS decision to make.

He is an adult, not a dependant of the OP, and should be allowed to make his own decision without EITHER sister putting him in the middle of some emotional/psychological battle.

Why should anyone other than the person themselves (the OP's parents) have say-so????

You're entirely correct, and I read a little too deeply into the email. If Dad were completely within his capabilities to state his opinion, I'd support whatever he decided. Given his health, nevertheless I'd still watch him like a hawk for fear that something might go wrong.

But at the same token, if I knew Dad were being cajoled and guilted into attending, regardless of her concern for his health, I'd still make sure my voice were heard. It sounds as if, per the OP, that this is typical, selfish behavior on the part of the sister. I'd have weighed that in with my thoughts and how I reacted. I'd leave Dad out of it, but rip a new one on my sibling if I were in that situation.

 

[disney4us2002]

I guess I'm selfish too. I've been in your sister's position (sort of) when my father and my mil didn't bother to come to my oldest son's (first grandchild's) high school graduation last May. My father's health issues are his own doing (alcoholic) and my mil's issues are basically in her head. She exaggerates everything and then doesn't follow her doc's advice so indeed I'm still disgusted that neither of these family members attended. My mil was then angry with me for having a framed picture made of my fil with my oldest son in his cap and gown. Her husband came -she chose not to come.

I can understand why it's important to your sister.

 

[believe]

If she can't make time to see her Dad then I don't think she has any right to guilt him into attending. That is how I feel about my sister. She hasn't talked to or seen my Dad since Christmas and she only lives 20 minutes from him. Her bday card w/gift from early January is still at his house because she hasn't come to see him. My Dad isn't the social type and has never been one to visit us, even before my Mom passed away.

I am very close to my Dad, probably to closest of the family, and I would definitely step in if someone was guilting him into something. I would not make the decision for him, but I definitely would tell someone when they have stepped over the line where my Dad is concerned.

Who is to say it is once in a lifetime

 

[Nancyg56]

Honestly, I WOULD get involved for a couple of reasons, the primary of which is he's your father as well, and you have equal say in his safety, health and comfort. Secondly, your sister brought you into this situation by way of telling you her thoughts, which then allows you to state your thoughts in rebuttal.

I agree with you. While it may be the unpopular thing to do I would make sure that my Dad did what was best for his health, and if my sister had an issue with that the issue would then be with me. Once she sent the email all bets were off.

If Dad really wanted to attend I would move Heaven and Earth to assist, if not.....I would be the brick wall that my sister walked into every time the subject came up.

My nephew married a year before my Mom passed away and even though the ride was only 20 minutes we were not sure if she could attend. My new niece was one of those Bridezillas and we were not sure how this would go over, but it was essential that my Mom see her Grandson on his wedding Day. My sister was prepared to drag them in to visit and have photos taken even though she is known to be the peacemaker in our family. Thankfully she was able to attend, we took her and my DD left right after dinner so that she could take her home but no way would she have attended if her health would be adversely affected.