How old to date?

[raysnkaysmom]

I would have to say it really depends on how the movies situation is handled. The dance is no problem at all, IMHO.

As for the movies; my DD13 and her boyfriend go to the movies, but only when there's a group going OR if myself and DH or his parents are going as well, to the same movie. Not that we don't trust them, we just remember how WE were at that age

That is exactly what I was thinking about the movie. If its a group of friends, or I am at the theater complex (a different movie or the same). The movie I am not 100% on. But the dance, it just seems harmless to me. I mean the school flyer on the dance mentions something to the affect of "ask that special person" kind of thing.

To me the dance is a good way for him to begin the process of dating.

As far as dating? My kids will be 16 (I know, blanket statement, but thats what I'm shooting for)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Going to a school dance is going to a dance, I don't consider that "dating".

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks everyone! To clarify, I do trust my son not to sneak out of a movie. He has been to movies several times with his friend who is a 14 yo boy as well. DD who is 12 is only allowed to go without me when her big brother is along. My rule is that I drop them off (no biking or walking there, its too far anyway) and then as soon as they are in the theater, they call me from ds' cell phone so I know they are settled in (and I can see them buying the tickets from the outdoor ticket booth and go in which is when I pull away). Then as soon as the credits begin to roll at the end, he calls me again. I tell them to sit there until those are over then wait in the lobby until they see me pull up. They generaly are in the lobby about 2-3 minutes before I pull up. This whole process began just a few months ago. So if he went to a movie with a girl, it would be the same process. Still not 100% sure on that one, if I'd let him go with a girl or not. Maybe when he's 15 which will be in October.

As for my critic, she's was married very briefly almost 50 years ago and to my knowledge never dated much if any after that. In the 17 years I've known her, she's never dated anyone nor has her daughter (who is 50). They feel that no dating until deep in high school and no marriage before 30. So they have what I think is a somewhat unrealistic view of the dating process!

I just feel like if kids don't at least begin to have some interraction with the opposite sex, it will seem forbidden. I know I had a friend who had very strict parents and never late her date, even in high school. But I do remember her sneaking out constantly and I have a lengthy and scary list of all the creative ways she found to date, and become sexually active. So I want to give my kids some freedom in baby steps and let them work into this slowly!

I let him ask her if she was going and if she'd like to "meet" up at the dance, we'll see what she says!

I am sooooo glad I'm not 14 anymore!

 

[Cindyluwho]

Going to a school dance is going to a dance, I don't consider that "dating".

In DD's High School this is how dating works:
Boy tells girl he likes her, girl says she likes him too. This may take place via text message, thru another party, etc. At this point they are "dating". They may barely speak to each other in the hallway, hardly ever make eye contact but in their eyes and in the eyes of their classmates, they are dating.
WIERD!! but that is the way it is. Oh, and when they break up - DRAMA!!

Of course, dating can also mean holding hands, going for ice cream after school or going to the movies but in 9 & 10 grade and even the older grades if a "like" is proclaimed, then you are definately dating!

 

[horseshowmom]

My reason for not letting him go to the movies wouldn't have anything to do with his sneaking out or not being trustworthy. I just think that a lot of kids are growing up much too fast in today's society. My daughter had to be 16 to date. Before that, she did "hang out" with guys at horseshows, 4-H activities, church, or other social situations. They talked on the phone at length. She's dated several guys since then and hasn't had any trouble "adjusting" to her late start. I know of kids who start dating at 13 or 14, and I just personally think it's too young. JMHO though!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In DD's High School this is how dating works:
Boy tells girl he likes her, girl says she likes him too. This may take place via text message, thru another party, etc. At this point they are "dating". They may barely speak to each other in the hallway, hardly ever make eye contact but in their eyes and in the eyes of their classmates, they are dating.
WIERD!! but that is the way it is. Oh, and when they break up - DRAMA!!

Of course, dating can also mean holding hands, going for ice cream after school or going to the movies but in 9 & 10 grade and even the older grades if a "like" is proclaimed, then you are definately dating!

That may be the kid definition however it is not a real date until the guy picks you up in his car and takes you out and pays for "the date".

Now we are dealing with 18yo drama, of dating in another state. Yep....

 

[minniebeth]

In DD's High School this is how dating works:
Boy tells girl he likes her, girl says she likes him too. This may take place via text message, thru another party, etc. At this point they are "dating". They may barely speak to each other in the hallway, hardly ever make eye contact but in their eyes and in the eyes of their classmates, they are dating.
WIERD!! but that is the way it is. Oh, and when they break up - DRAMA!!

Of course, dating can also mean holding hands, going for ice cream after school or going to the movies but in 9 & 10 grade and even the older grades if a "like" is proclaimed, then you are definately dating!

THis is EXACTLY the way it is in DS14's 8th grade!

Amy&Dan, yes, I think the dance is perfectly great for your DS and yes, those were the days when lunchboxes were the big decisions! As far as the rest of it, you know your DS best and go along with what your heart says and like LuvOrlando says, have open communication as much as possible.
You are his parent and sometimes you have to put family's opinions on mute!

 

[hichewlova]

I think both the dance and a movie are fine. They are only 14 so you could offer to drive and pick them up from the movie- that seems pretty normal to me. I think High School is usually when most kids start dating.

 

[Darsa]

Oh oh! Lemme tell my DD's story

She was the new kid, and the kids on her bus seemed to be really nice, taking turns sitting with her and talking to her, asking her about herself and telling her about themselves (this is what she told me). Then about two weeks into the new year she was sitting with Justin, and they were talking about who they "liked" this year. He asked her "guess who I like!" and she guessed a few names (she said "I guessed the prettiest girls I could think of because he's really cute, mom!"). He said no, no, no to all of them. Then he took a scrap of paper and wrote the answer on it, crumpled it up and handed it to her and told her not to look at it 'til she got off the bus. She got off at her stop and opened it IMMEDIATELY, and all it said was "you". She said she looked back at the bus and he was waving from the back window.

When she called me at work that day, I thought something was wrong because she was out of breath and the first thing she said was "Mumma! Mumma!!" I almost had a heart attack until she told me what she was so excited about Oh, and she still has the scrap that says "you"

So yeah, that's her story. They've been "dating" since early October, and it pretty much consists of a bunch of friends coming over to play video games/watch a movie/play outside or going to movies, skating, bowling with a group, etc. This kind of "dating" I can handle!

 

[Amy&Dan]

I think both the dance and a movie are fine. They are only 14 so you could offer to drive and pick them up from the movie- that seems pretty normal to me. I think High School is usually when most kids start dating.

Yeah, to me what ds is about to begin (I think) to do isn't really true dating. If I let him do this movie thing, chances are I'll just hang out at the Barnes and Noble right next to the movie theater. But as far as dating, where there is driving alone in a car, no supervision kind of thing, that will be 16. To me this dating practice! Sort of like half day kindegarten before the big show starts in first grade! I mean, he's going on a one week long church camp out of state in July and there will be girls on that trip. So I should probably be way more worried about that than taking him to see a movie with a girl. But I trust him and his youth sponsors/chaperones enough to realize it will be fine. I just wasn't ready for this yet, I guess as parents we never are. And yet I am excited for him, I do remember the thrill of being 14 and liking a guy and then realzing he liked me too!

I am wondering all day if ds is on cloud 9 because she said yes, or if he's going to be bummed!

Darsa: I love your dd's story. Ahhh, youth!!

 

[KSchwagg86]

Dance is fine and you know what? Even if you tell him no about the movies, he will probably find a way to do it anyway!

 

[englishteacha]

I think going to the dance is a fine idea. The movies...maybe. I would talk to the girl's parents to see how they feel about it.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Not meaning to rock the boat, but here goes: Why do parents believe that just because their child hasn't asked them permission to go on a "real" date, that they haven't? Just because no one is of driving age, doesn't mean that "real" dating isn't going on. You don't think that your kids find a way to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend? You don't think that just because it's not a real date in your eyes, they're not kissing, hugging, etc.?

I'm not saying all children do, but I'm really amazed at how many parents think their kids ask for permission/tell them everything that goes on. Do any of you remember asking your parents when you could smoke/drink/have sex? Again, I'm not saying that is what is happening with anyone's children, I'm just saying that I believe it's a little naive to think your kids will come to you every step of the way.

(Stepping aside to put on my flame suit now)

 

[Shelton123]

I date, and I've gone to the movies alone with my G. My mom/dad would drop her and me off, or her mom/dad. However, we are good kids and the relationship is... I don't know if it is "serious" but we actually (well, it's between like and love, whatever the word is for that) each other. I mean, she got cancer and stuff (she's doing very very well ) so I mean it's not just a silly thing.

Point is, if neither of them are troublemakers, let them go. If either of them cause trouble a bit, I would say no. Definitely let him go to the dance.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Not meaning to rock the boat, but here goes: Why do parents believe that just because their child hasn't asked them permission to go on a "real" date, that they haven't? Just because no one is of driving age, doesn't mean that "real" dating isn't going on. You don't think that your kids find a way to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend? You don't think that just because it's not a real date in your eyes, they're not kissing, hugging, etc.?

I'm not saying all children do, but I'm really amazed at how many parents think their kids ask for permission/tell them everything that goes on. Do any of you remember asking your parents when you could smoke/drink/have sex? Again, I'm not saying that is what is happening with anyone's children, I'm just saying that I believe it's a little naive to think your kids will come to you every step of the way.

(Stepping aside to put on my flame suit now)

No flames from me because I think you're right! Like I was saying in an earlier post, I had a friend who had parents that had a no dating before 17 rule. And by no dating, I mean no contact with boys at all. No group mixed group outings ever until she was 17. But it didn't work out that way. By ninth grade that girl had been dating for some time. By high school, she was sexually active. By graduation, she was pregnant. I always thought that if her parents would have given her a bit more freedom to date in stages a bit earlier, it might have turned out different. Her mom had been a teen mom and I think she was trying so hard for her daughter to have a different kind of life. It turned out okay though, this friend of mine married the guy and they are still together, 26 years later. But it was scary there for awhile and I always was amazed at how resourceful she was at doing exactly what her mom forbid her to do!

That is what I was trying to tell my aunt in law last night. Kids will find ways to do things, especially things we forbid them to do! I'm hoping that by letting ds date in stages, maybe that whole forbidden fruit aspect won't come up as much. My son so far has been a great kid. No problems to speak of as far as causing me trouble, he doesn't lie and he's good about telling me what's on his mind. Of course this is what I know as far as what I think I know! But I feel very good about him and trust him.

As for real dating, my son would have a hard time with that right now. He's in middle school with a closed campus and I am still home so in the afternoons he's home and so am I. Next year, he'll be in high school and that's open campus. There is absolutely nothing to stop him from leaving school at lunch and going where he pleases. Nothing but hopefully his good judgement. But I am not kidding myself. It scares me to death!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

No flames from me because I think you're right! Like I was saying in an earlier post, I had a friend who had parents that had a no dating before 17 rule. By ninth grade that girl had been dating for some time. By high school, she was sexually active. By graduation, she was pregnant. I always thought that if her parents would have given her a bit more freedom to date in stages a bit earlier, it might have turned out different.

That is what I was trying to tell my aunt in law last night. Kids will find ways to do things, especially things we forbid them to do! I'm hoping that by letting ds date in stages, maybe that whole forbidden fruit aspect won't come up as much.

As for real dating, my son would have a hard time with that right now. He's in middle school with a closed campus and I am still home so in the afternoons he's home and so am I. Next year, he'll be in high school and that's open campus. There is absolutely nothing to stop him from leaving school at lunch and going where he pleases. Nothing but hopefully his good judgement. But I am not kidding myself. It scares me to death!

Glad you weren't offended, and hopefully no one else will be. I believe my DD hasn't begun dating yet, but I know some of her friends have. At this point it's still "I like him, he likes me so we're dating", but I can't imagine having a child in high school and thinking that they are going to abide by my wishes and will come to be to ask permission for dating, kissing, etc. I have one DD and my mom would still like I haven't "done the deed"! I always thought I would tell my DD she needed to wait until 16 (I don't know why everyone chooses that age), but I realize that's probably not realistic. Agreed that in grammar school it's much easier to keep tabs on them, but once high school comes around -- it's out of my hands.

 

[Cindyluwho]

Not meaning to rock the boat, but here goes: Why do parents believe that just because their child hasn't asked them permission to go on a "real" date, that they haven't? Just because no one is of driving age, doesn't mean that "real" dating isn't going on. You don't think that your kids find a way to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend? You don't think that just because it's not a real date in your eyes, they're not kissing, hugging, etc.?

I'm not saying all children do, but I'm really amazed at how many parents think their kids ask for permission/tell them everything that goes on. Do any of you remember asking your parents when you could smoke/drink/have sex? Again, I'm not saying that is what is happening with anyone's children, I'm just saying that I believe it's a little naive to think your kids will come to you every step of the way.

(Stepping aside to put on my flame suit now)

No flames from me! I think you explained the situation very well.

My DD15 has had a boyfriend for 7+ months now. It started with the "I like you, you like me" scenario and then the Homecoming Dance and now he comes to our home to watch movies, or she goes over there, or even out to the movies with parents taking them, etc. In the first few months she took a lot of razzing (so did he) because they hadn't kissed yet she talked to me about it, I assured her there was nothing wrong with being very sure before that step. After 4 1/2 months she finally got her first kiss.

We talk about "everything" TO A POINT. She knows I'm willing to talk about anything and everything but let's be honest, she is a teenager and as long as she continues to make good decisions it's up to her to keep certain things private if she feels the need. She knows full well that I do not approve of her having "relations" until she is older and that as far as I can I never give them the chance. That being said, she also knows that I trust her to make good decisions. She knows that I will take her to the Dr. or Planned Parenthood if that's what she needs, she also knows where it is located and that any teen can go without a parent if that's what they need. My job as a parent is to make sure my DD knows what my standards are and to know that I trust her to set her standards. At this point, her standards are higher than mine were at that age At this point, she chooses to share quite a lot with me about her relationship with her BF and I'm glad they are taking things slow.

I cannot watch my DD every second. I can only make sure she & BF are not alone on my watch; but with an open campus at school, etc there is always a way to ummmm...you know... so I have to make sure DD knows of my expectations and I have to trust her to make good decisions for herself.

Holy Moly, I am long winded aren't I???...

 

[Amy&Dan]

Holy Moly, I am long winded aren't I???...

But you made such good points!

The open campus thing scares me on so many levels. Just the thought of him being able to drive in a car driven by a kid to a destination that I have no say so in drives me bonkers. I really wish our school would have closed campus for the freshmen but no such luck.

I'll probably have to start another thread to ask parents of kids how they handle that issue! I mean one simple fast food run can turn deadly when you have several kids in the car, radio blaring etc. I am just so not ready for that.

 

[TJ's Mom]

I taught 8th grade for years. I can't tell you how many kids had a boyfriend or girlfriend without their parents knowing. Parents would tell me that their son/daughter could not date until they were X years old and then a week later I would see him/her holding hands with someone. Many kids are dating at that age. My daughter is going into middle school next year and it scares me to death! I want to keep her in a little bubble but I know I can't.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well poor ds, he got up the guts to ask this girl and she turned him down! He seems only slightly bummed, he did mention he'll probably have more fun going with just his guy friends! But I still felt bad for him. But its part of life and in some ways, I have to say I am a tiny bit relieved!