How old is too old to be a mom?

[golfgal]

The people I know that had their first children after 35 for the most part did just fine because they didn't know any differently. Those that I know that had their first children in their mid to late 20's and then had a trailer closer to 40 or over 40 could not believe how much more tired they were with that last one . Personally I couldn't imagine having a toddler running around the house now, but we had our kids in our mid to late 20's and they are in college/high school now.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I had my first dd at 29 (just a few months shy of 30) and second dd 3 weeks ago today at 36. The pregnancy was more difficult with the second one and I started out in better shape physically. And as crazy as it sounds I have been more consumed with worry with this one. But I don't think I'm too old. I did decide I was done because I didn't want to be even older and have another one AND our family was complete at 4. If you want children then I don't think you are too old. Although I would also encourage you not to wait too long. Nothing is more heartbreaking than TRYING to get pregnant and being unsuccessful. It took over a year to get pregnant both times for me and those were the longest years. Actually the second one took 6 months but then I had a miscarriage and then took another year after that.

 

[orbrian]

I am pregnant now.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I would say "too old' is when you feel that you won't be alive to see your child graduate college. So, 45, maybe 50 (that's probably pushing it)?

Also, I had my kids really early. I will be 40 when my oldest starts college. At that point, I think we are going to start fostering or possibly adopt an older (5 or so) child.

 

[j's m]

I delivered our only when I was one month short of 44, and DH was almost 46. DS16 is a junior in high school. We tease him that we'll retire when he goes to college and follow him. I said I would finally start on my doctorate.

We were able to better afford him in our 40's, our house was almost paid off, our business was established, and I could work from home part time for the business.

At 90 my DM is still alive, my MIL is 87 and DFIL just passed at 90. My one GM lived to 95, the other to 96. My GMIL lived to 97. It seems like we may be also blessed with the old gene, but who ever really knows?

The hardest part is balancing DS with work, and 2 parents with dementia in nursing homes. But even if DS was in college, or long gone out of the house, I would still have the responsibility of the parents.

 

[Kimkimba]

I had my children when I was 22, 31, 37, and 41. My oldest is 22 and my youngest is 3. I do think I'm a much better mom now then when I was 22.

My parents were 38 and 40 when they had me and they were the best parents.

I think the "magic" age varies greatly from person to person. I don't think you are too old at all.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

My fiance and I will both be 37 when we get married next year. I've already asked my doctor about "being a little older" when it comes to having a first baby. She's not concerned. She explained that she's had many patients older than me having their first and only a handful had very few (if any) minor issues. Her only advice was "if possible, don't wait until you're 40. And make sure you take your prenatal vitamins. Start taking them a month before you plan to try to get pregnant. I'll take good care of you and the baby."

 

[Katieinwonderland]

I'm the product of older parents; my mom was 38 when she had me, and 42 when she had my younger sister. We never suffered, and I never thought of my parents as older. My parents were more financially stable; my father owned his own company and my mom could stay home with us without having to worry about money. They've both been lucky in that they're very healthy; never been on medication or anything.

My only concern is having grandchildren. My grandmas are both still alive, and I've loved growing up with them. My mom is in her early 60's, and we're thinking about having kids in the next year or two. I really hope my parents are around to see my kids grow up too.

 

[browneyes106]

I think there isn't clear answer on this. I don't have kids but my mom was 35 when she had me. My older siblings were 13, 11 and 8 years older than me. My parents always wanted four kids so when my sister was 2 they started trying for fourth child thinking my mom would get pregnant right away but it took her years to get pregnant with me. My maternal grandmother was 38 when she had my mom and my mom also grew up with siblings that were a lot older than me. Most of my first cousins on my mom's side were in the 20's when I was born and some had children before I was born and a few of my second cousins are the same age as me.

One of those first cousins whose son is the same age as me told me back when I was 15 that, "your mom screwed up the generation gap when she had me" because aunts and nieces don't have generally have kids that are the same age. That comment pissed me off but I realized my cousin was the dumb one. To start off she never married the father of her son and she has never been financially secure to shopping addictions and squandered child support. I don't like to judge people based on when and how they have kids, but my cousin always had this snooty attitude about my mom having me. If she was going to judge my parents' situation I was going to judge hers. My parents even though they were older when they had me they always gave my siblings and I anything we needed. At the time of my birth my father had promoted to a high ranking job in the company he worked. As a kid I did have more than what my siblings did. I think people who are older in the 30's to early 40's who have a child for the first time or more children and are financially secure shouldn't be judged by anyone.

I agree with other posters health is another big factor. To the OP if you are in good health in the future go ahead and have kids and don't worry too much about being "an old mom". As long as you do your best to support your child that is what should matter.

 

[browneyes106]

My grandmother was 40 when she had my mom, and lived until the age of 95, and met all of her great grandchildren. My FIL was 40 when DH was born - he's now 83, and on no medication (DH's mom passed when he was 12 - an early agressive cancer).

My grandmother was 38 when she had my mom and she lived until the age of 96 and she got to know my siblings and I. She was pretty healthy but she suffered from dementia in her last few years.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well if you really want to put it in perspective, from an evolutionary standpoint, human females were meant to reproduce in their teens or early 20s. We're already pushing it going into late 20s and 30's. Forties were downright elderly then, if not demised.

I was pregnant for the first time in my mid 30s. I was reading a requisition sitting in my lap one day it said "Elderly Primapara" on it. So yes, even in 30s we're considered elderly.

Realistically, and evolution aside I do believe that there are pros and cons to each - early and late. As others have mentioned, being "settled" is a bonus, but that sometimes comes with physical implications such as illness and mobility issues. In that way being young is the bonus. But being too young and not settled yet makes it more difficult in many ways as well. So it's a toss up there.

I would certainly say that late 30s and even 40s is not too old to have a baby today if your body and pocketbook cooperate.

 

[browneyes106]

I had my oldest daughter at 20 and now at 41 my youngest is 14. A couple years ago DH and I had a serious ( but very brief ) discussion of "just one more" and we squashed it. I feel like I've had kids all my life, I'm ready for some quiet.

I think when to have children is a personal decision, and everyone has a different situation. I had a child at 20 and a second at 21 but was married to a very successful business man, so I didn't have the typical " young people" financial problems. I have good friends my age who have careers and toddlers.

My only *definite* too old is these 50 and 60 year old women who are being made pregnant through science. I'm sorry but being 80 at your child's high school graduation is inappropriate and selfish.

Beyond that, it's whatever works for you.

I agree with you on that. I worry about some of those situations because I have seen several people who get in dementia or Alzheimers in their 60's and I shudder to think of 60 something year old getting an onset of dementia or Alzheimers while trying to raise a child.

 

[NotUrsula]

Eh, I come from a LONG line of "Geezer Moms", both sides. My DD is 118 years younger than her oldest maternal great-grandmother. In my family a "generation" is about 40 years, not 20 or so. (This is the female line, not the male line; we're not talking old men with young wives here.)

Take my maternal grandmother: She was born in 1889. She had her first child in 1906 and her last child in 1934; there were 9 of them. My mom was one of the middle girls, she was born in 1914. Mom had her first child in 1940, and her last in 1962 (that would be me.) I had my first child at 35 and my second at 45. I have LOTS of cousins who were born when their mothers were in their 40's, and most of us also have small childen now. AFAIK, none of us has ever required medical assistance to conceive a child. (Miscarriages are another matter.)

In my world I'm totally normal. My family comes from a culture where birth control was largely illegal until the 1980's. We never had that American wave during the 1960s and 70s when women over 35 were told they were too old to have kids. Before birth control pills women often had babies right up to menopause and thought nothing of it.

If you have the genetics for it, you'll be fine, and the vast majority of people have genetics that are good to go until at least 35. If genetics are not on your side, medical technology may be able to help you, or it may not. What I would advise is going to the older women in your family and asking around; find out what has happened to them. The odds are fairly high that the pattern that held true for your mother and any aunts or cousins is likely to hold true for you. (It's not a guarantee, of course, but it's a relatively good bet.)

 

[palavra]

I was a late in life child and it didn't work out well for me. Mom was 38 and dad was 42 when they had me. Daddy died when I was 13. I spent the rest of my time growing up having to take care of my mom due to her health. I had my kids in my 20's as I did not want to have kids after 30(so I had DD at almost 31). I understand things are different now. I'm just a little biased on the matter due to my upbringing. While I was raising my kids, I was also taking care of my elderly mother. She passed away from cancer when I was 38. My kids only had grandparents for a short time. (DH's parents are out of the picture for other reasons)

EDT: People always thought Mom was my grandma. Even when she was fighting for her life from cancer the nurses would refer to me as her "granddaughter" sometimes I wanted to scream "I'm her daughter!"

Wow, I was 36 when my daughter was born and no one has ever thought she was my granddaughter. Also, your "elderly" mother passed away when you were 38, so she was 76? My dad is turning 74 today, and I still don't consider him elderly. In fact, he's not retired. He is at work at his own business today. I guess it's all how you look at things.

 

[palavra]

I delivered our only when I was one month short of 44, and DH was almost 46. DS16 is a junior in high school. We tease him that we'll retire when he goes to college and follow him. I said I would finally start on my doctorate.

We were able to better afford him in our 40's, our house was almost paid off, our business was established, and I could work from home part time for the business.

At 90 my DM is still alive, my MIL is 87 and DFIL just passed at 90. My one GM lived to 95, the other to 96. My GMIL lived to 97. It seems like we may be also blessed with the old gene, but who ever really knows?

The hardest part is balancing DS with work, and 2 parents with dementia in nursing homes. But even if DS was in college, or long gone out of the house, I would still have the responsibility of the parents.

Sounds like your son is blessed to have stable, caring parents.

One of my friends from college just had her first at the age of 44; her husband is 48. They have been married for 12 years, but had fertility issues. They are both over the moon about their son, and I know they will be great parents.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that it depends on the person. I had my son when I was in my 30's and I'm glad that I waited. I was more settled and mature.

As for the age thing, isn't it amazing how much of our life is part of being old? If a person lives to be 90 as so many have in my family then in some eyes they spend 50 years being old.

 

[RadioNate]

I really think this is personal preference. In pretty much all cases I think over about 45 is too old especially if it is a 1st child. I just think after that the risks become too great.

For myself, I'm 35 now and done. I had my DD at 32 and that was perfect for me. I had DS several days before turning 26 and that was too young. While we thought we were ready emotionally and financially, after having DD I can see we weren't.

If I were just starting now or started w/DD at 32 I might consider pushing it to maybe 38. Anything older than that doesn't make sense *for me* YMMV.

My friends who are currently in the 34-37 age range & having their 1st child are all having struggles. I think all but one had undergone some sort of fertility treatment. Their pregnancies seem far more scary than mine ever did. I think I have 6 friends due between the 1st of the year and March, all are healthy pregnancies w/healthy babies as far as I know, but they've all undergone so much testing that I never even thought about.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Eh, I come from a LONG line of "Geezer Moms", both sides. My DD is 118 years younger than her oldest maternal great-grandmother. In my family a "generation" is about 40 years, not 20 or so. (This is the female line, not the male line; we're not talking old men with young wives here.)

Take my maternal grandmother: She was born in 1889. She had her first child in 1906 and her last child in 1934; there were 9 of them. My mom was one of the middle girls, she was born in 1914. Mom had her first child in 1940, and her last in 1962 (that would be me.) I had my first child at 35 and my second at 45. I have LOTS of cousins who were born when their mothers were in their 40's, and most of us also have small childen now. AFAIK, none of us has ever required medical assistance to conceive a child. (Miscarriages are another matter.)

In my world I'm totally normal. My family comes from a culture where birth control was largely illegal until the 1980's. We never had that American wave during the 1960s and 70s when women over 35 were told they were too old to have kids. Before birth control pills women often had babies right up to menopause and thought nothing of it.

If you have the genetics for it, you'll be fine, and the vast majority of people have genetics that are good to go until at least 35. If genetics are not on your side, medical technology may be able to help you, or it may not. What I would advise is going to the older women in your family and asking around; find out what has happened to them. The odds are fairly high that the pattern that held true for your mother and any aunts or cousins is likely to hold true for you. (It's not a guarantee, of course, but it's a relatively good bet.)

My grandmother was born in 1894 and had her first child in 1917 and her last (my mother) in 1937. Her mother was born in 1855 and had her first child in 1877 and her last in 1898 (same year her oldest daughter had her second child) There have been several cases of women conceiving naturally into their 50's these days.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, I think it is going to vary for each individual. I had my first DS when I was 22 and I had my last DS 1 month before I was 40!!

I have to say I had more patience when I was younger, but then my younger 2 kids have issues (ADHD) that my older 2 did not.

You will not be too old in your 30's, as long as it is something you and your DH want then all is good!

 

[tonilea]

We had DS when I was 34 & DH was 40, though we certainly would have liked to have had him a bit sooner. We lost twins when I was 38. If we had an "oops" baby now, it would not be ideal, but we would be happy.

Even though I am an older mom (in our circles/community most have their children in their twenties), I think I am a much better parent than I might have been if I had children early in our marriage. We had been married for 15 years when DS was born.

I will say this, if you have difficulty conceiving - don't wait, seek help right away.