How often do you call

[need2cruise]

This is primarily for people who have kids but are not with the other parent (or chime in even if not in this situation on what you would do)!

How often would you call your kids when they were at the other parent's house? Not getting into custodial/non custodial--just being basic. Child is spending time with the other parent, how often would you call?

At what point does it become intrusive to the other parent?

Would you call if you knew if affected your child and their visiting time? Example--by calling, you upset your child more than if you didn't call?

 

[usnuzuloose]

Zero, I was not allowed to call.

 

[need2cruise]

Zero, I was not allowed to call.

Seriously? Did the other parent not allow it or was it court ordered? I thought everyone was entitled contact by phone!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not divorced and not the child of divorced parents so that makes me basically unqualified to answer--but I am answering anyway

I would think that in shared custody situations where each parent sees the child regularly then there should not be any regular calls initiated by the other parent 9especially if they upset the child). I think the child should get to relax and be there in the moment at the current parent's house. Exceptions would be (especially as kids get older) short calls to check in for big events (got braces on, had a final they were worrying about, big game, birthdays, etc).

If the custody is set with bigger chunks of time (say school year with one parent and summer with the other) then I think about once a week should be god--often enough that the child still feels connected to the other parents but no so often as to disrupt the routine in the house they are living in.

 

[NMAmy]

When dd was young, our agreement stated that the parent not with the child was not to be denied telephone access to the child ever.

DD had a cell phone. Her dad could call anytime she was with me and I could call anytime she was with him. I think I spoke with her at least once a day when she was with him--sometimes she'd call me and other times I'd call her. It was never a big deal to either my ex or I. We both knew the parent who wasn't with her was going to want to talk with her every day.

 

[need2cruise]

So does one phone call a week make a bad parent if the noncustodial parent only calls once a week?

What about when kids are with noncustodial parent for weekend visit or for a week during a vacation, should the custodial parent call every day and send several texts a day?

What about a parent who doesn't call their child when they are with the other parent?

 

[usnuzuloose]

Seriously? Did the other parent not allow it or was it court ordered? I thought everyone was entitled contact by phone!!

Very long story, and sorry to say it involves a very broken heart. If I told my story it would gat flamed beyond belief.

 

[golfgal]

This is primarily for people who have kids but are not with the other parent (or chime in even if not in this situation on what you would do)!

How often would you call your kids when they were at the other parent's house? Not getting into custodial/non custodial--just being basic. Child is spending time with the other parent, how often would you call?

At what point does it become intrusive to the other parent?

Would you call if you knew if affected your child and their visiting time? Example--by calling, you upset your child more than if you didn't call?

Not divorced but the child of divorced parents and if the child lives with you all week and only sees the other parent every other weekend, for example, I would say ANY phone call is intrusive. If you split custody and the child is with you for a week and the other parent for a week, I would say it should be up to the CHILD to call the other parent as needed but I would be ok with a check in on say Wednesday night. Now, if the child wants to touch base daily, that is up to the child.

The reverse is also relevant-how often do you want your ex calling your house??

 

[NMAmy]

So does one phone call a week make a bad parent if the noncustodial parent only calls once a week?

If this is what works best for the child, then no, it does not make one a bad parent. It would have really bothered both my ex and I to only speak to our child once a week. Our calls were along the lines of dinner conversation--What did you do today? etc. I can see issues if the other parent is trying to make the child upset but my ex and I didn't do that.

What about when kids are with noncustodial parent for weekend visit or for a week during a vacation, should the custodial parent call every day and send several texts a day?

Again, I don't see anything wrong with that but I get the feeling that you're leaving out some important information.

What about a parent who doesn't call their child when they are with the other parent?

So one parent doesn't call their child during their time apart and doesn't feel the other parent should call either?

I'm having a hard time understanding the situation. So much really depends on what the custody agreement says, as well.

 

[mtemm]

when dh and I were separated, we worked out calls the way it suited us and the kids. the person who was not with the kids would call in the morning and again right before bedtime. the kids were not upset by this, it gave them a sense of connection and routine that they were comfortable with. they were also young at the time...3 and 5...so not sure if that would have changed as they got older. in a nutshell they liked hearing from the other other parent. it didn't upset the routine of the person who was with the kids because we knew when the call would happen. we also found it worked best if the person w/o the kids made the actual phone call.

this is what worked for us. I have no doubt this routine wouldn't work for others, and other routines wouldn't work for us. I don't think there is one answer, rather I think its finding a common ground that all parties are happy with (or least unhappy with, I suppose).

eta, I could not imagine going a week w/o talking to my children. neither could my husband. at least not on a regular basis! and I couldn't imagine keeping my children from talking to my dh, and vice-versa. the calls we had as I outlined above were the minimum. if the kids wanted to call/text/touch base at any time with the parent they weren't with, they were more than welcome to!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I truly think it is dependent on the relationship. There is no right or wrong answer. What may work for one situation will certainly not work for another.

I am a stepmother and 2 of my DSDs lived with us for 6 years. The first 4 years the mother wanted nothing to do with them and would call for birthdays and holidays and to tell them she wasn't coming to get them. The children wanted other calls and we never prevented them from calling her. Then things changed and she ran out of money and wanted them back for the child support. All the phone calls she missed during the 4 years were made up for in those 2 trying to pretend she was a fabulous mommy! Too long of a story to get into but she was completely disruptive calling several times a day. On the rare occasions that they did see her we did not call them as they were spending rare time with her.

On the flip side, my DSis is divorced and my niece is 15. She calls my sister constantly when she is with her father. Its a miserable situation and most phone calls consist of "Why can't I come home?" She's not in any danger just bored beyond belief because her father thinks that putting the kid in front of the TV for the entire weekend is quality time. So my sister responds with "Suck it up and ask your father to take you out or something. And stop calling every 5 minutes."

So I do not believe there is a set calling schedule. Some people have amicable divorces and parents like a daily check in. There is nothing wrong with that. Some people have a horrible divorce and don't want any contact at all.

Good luck with whatever you're going through.

 

[need2cruise]

I wasn't going to post the story first-just wanted a basis of opinions without any information. But here is what is going on.

Father is non-custodial (every other weekend visits, 1 day every week, trade holidays, half of christmas break yearly and then 6 weeks of summer and every other spring break). Father calls children 1x per week. Father works 2nd shift in a job that doesn't always have down time to make calls and kids are in school when he is home but always makes it priority to call at least one time, often his phone calls go unanswered or unreturned.

Mother has kids every other weekend and all week. Yet when kids are at their dads, she will call and text daily, up to several times. Kids leave her at 6pm on Friday and return at 6pm on Sunday. Days are filled with several texts (this can be from 2-40)and at least 1-2 calls. Summer is about the same frequency of calls and texts.

The reason for the calls are to question the kids about every event at the fathers house, from what they ate, to what is going on, who is wearing what, what size clothing does such and such wear, etc. Not the typical are you having fun convo, but questioning and making the kids feel bad for having fun. Also to find out if kids are breaking "her" rules. Example: Icarly, she wants to know if they have watched that or even the Disney channel, if so, she informs them they are grounded when they return home. Same thing with riding a 4wheeler, if they do, they are grounded. The kids are always moping around after the calls and have even expressed to family they are tired of her questioning them and they can't lie to her about what they do since they know lying is bad.

 

[need2cruise]

I should also add, my dd calls her dad daily when shes with me and calls me daily when with her dad. The daily phone calls isn't bothersome (unless it's during dinner or family talk time).

I think after reading what I wrote, it isn't about the phone calls itself, it is the content that is in the calls/texts.

 

[golfgal]

I wasn't going to post the story first-just wanted a basis of opinions without any information. But here is what is going on.

Father is non-custodial (every other weekend visits, 1 day every week, trade holidays, half of christmas break yearly and then 6 weeks of summer and every other spring break). Father calls children 1x per week. Father works 2nd shift in a job that doesn't always have down time to make calls and kids are in school when he is home but always makes it priority to call at least one time, often his phone calls go unanswered or unreturned.

Mother has kids every other weekend and all week. Yet when kids are at their dads, she will call and text daily, up to several times. Kids leave her at 6pm on Friday and return at 6pm on Sunday. Days are filled with several texts (this can be from 2-40)and at least 1-2 calls. Summer is about the same frequency of calls and texts.

The reason for the calls are to question the kids about every event at the fathers house, from what they ate, to what is going on, who is wearing what, what size clothing does such and such wear, etc. Not the typical are you having fun convo, but questioning and making the kids feel bad for having fun. Also to find out if kids are breaking "her" rules. Example: Icarly, she wants to know if they have watched that or even the Disney channel, if so, she informs them they are grounded when they return home. Same thing with riding a 4wheeler, if they do, they are grounded. The kids are always moping around after the calls and have even expressed to family they are tired of her questioning them and they can't lie to her about what they do since they know lying is bad.

I would say in this case mom needs to grow up. I agree, it isn't the amount of calls/texts (although I still think it is WAY too many even if they are good) but the content of the calls. How old are the kids? Is there anyway they can discuss with mom how much this stuff hurts them?

 

[NMAmy]

I think after reading what I wrote, it isn't about the phone calls itself, it is the content that is in the calls/texts.

I think that's probably true. Can the father speak to the mother without causing WWIII? My ex has his faults but, luckily, neither of us would have had an issue with saying, "Hey, your phone calls are upsetting the kid."

How old are the children? I wonder if they could wait until they're home and then have a conversation with their mom about how the phone calls make them feel.

ETA: Are rules at mom and dad's houses the same? That's also helpful--my ex and I agreed on rules and they were the same at both houses.

 

[need2cruise]

They are almost teens. They have tried to talk to her about the calls before but mom gets upset. Mom seems to be VERY controlling of the kids, down to every detail of what they wear (if the daughter wears a tank top, mom freaks out about it), and they can't ever close their bedroom doors.

It is bad enough that the kids have talked with other family members about their mom and the questions she asks and how they don't want to answer her but they can't lie to her and get really upset about it. They want to have their time at their dads without the fear of getting in trouble by their mom.

They are good kids (typical stuff that kids do). They aren't out running the streets, watching inappropriate stuff, etc. They just want to be allowed to do what dad lets them w/out mom being in their business and calling to question them on it. This is stuff like, riding 4wheelers (small ones-very slow in an open field), watch icarly or other disney movies (or things like marmaduke, spy kids,etc), watch a magic show on tv, stay home alone for 1-2 hrs in the middle of the day vs. going to the grocery, play on the computer, have a soda once in awhile (can't figure this one out, we aren't pop drinkers but have 1 every once in a great while--maybe 1 weekend a mth we will go to the rootbeer stand and get rootbeer & they drink pop more often at her house yet get in trouble if they have 1 at their dads), etc.

 

[disney_mommy]

I am a divorced mom and my son spends every other weekend at his dad's house. In the beginning, I would call midway through, just to say hi and see how my son was doing. Eventually, I could tell it annoyed him, so now I don't do it at all (he's 12 now). His father was always polite about it, but I could tell it annoyed him, too (though I didn't give a crap about that).

 

[Bren's Mom]

My dh's ex tended to call a LOT when ds was with dh (and then with dh and I once we lived together). When the calls got overly problematic, dh contacted his ex and said it was negatively affecting ds and to stop. (Nicely.) And she backed off a little. She still calls way more than *I* would call my ds, but she's not saying anything to make him feel bad.

In the situation you posted, seems like dad needs to set a rule that the cell phones be put away in his dresser drawer for the duration of the visit. Dad can tell mom she can call the kids twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon on the house phone. That way, they're not being bombarded with the texts, and he can't be accused of withholding the kids. After all, even if she went to court with that what could she say? Dad can say 'Hey, I just want them to unplug for a while, not be so attached to their cell phones'...and seem very reasonable.

 

[golfgal]

I would be tempted to tell the kids to tell their mom they are turning off their phones at Dad's if she can't stop. Maybe have an aunt or Grandparent there when they tell her this. Hopefully coming from them it will have more impact on mom. If I were Dad I would seriously be considering filing for full custody since mom is so over the top.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would be tempted to tell the kids to tell their mom they are turning off their phones at Dad's if she can't stop. Maybe have an aunt or Grandparent there when they tell her this. Hopefully coming from them it will have more impact on mom. If I were Dad I would seriously be considering filing for full custody since mom is so over the top.

yes this. Or just take the kids' phones away--so mom cannot blame the kids. Text her yourselves once a day to let her know they are safe.
It clearly is not an issue of phone calls but an issue of control and mom is hurting her kids by being this way. I totally agree that a revisit to custody, or at least some mediation to iron out what mom can and cannot control while the kids are at dad's is in order.